Trying to grow a relationship with my Nana and getting no reciprocity

[1a1a]

My grandad passed away a couple of years ago and my mum said ‘please spend more time with your nana while she’s still alive to do so’.

So I did call sometimes and ask her if she’d like a visit and she always says ‘let me check my diary’ and then finds a day that’s free so there is that but in any other connection that I was trying to grow after a few times of me taking the lead I would step back and wait and see if the other person was going to reciprocate. I don’t think she’ll ever reciprocate, she’s in her 80s, maybe she’s too old to form any new connections without there being Strong simpatico (which we for sure do not have).

 

My mum has started seeing her every Monday and they’ll go out for a meal so I thought ‘great, maybe I can join them for lunch and get some contact time in that way. But I’ve been doing this on and off for a year now. My mum and I will get into a conversation and my nana just tunes out because she’s hard of hearing and doesn’t understand me At All. Sometimes my mum will repeat what I’ve said some she can be included in the conversation but not often enough I don’t think. I speak slower and louder and make eye contact, I’m not just there to talk to my mum, the whole point of making the trip is to build a relationship with my nana but it’s not happening. 
 

Sometimes my mum and Nana will start reminiscing about things from when they were both still in England and enjoy listening to those conversations, at least I can learn a little family history. But that doesn’t happen every time and I am disheartened. Today I ran late (I know) and after half an hour nanas like ‘ok I’ll head home now and leave you two to chat’. Which was big of her really but if she leaves my mum misses out on spending time with her too (not to mention the element of risk with her walking home). I’m really glad she spoke up and made moves to leave when she wasn’t enjoying it anymore but it has not gone unnoticed that she doesn’t enjoy it. I want to give up. The very abstract and hands off relationship we had before was better than this trying to get to know someone better who’s not available to be known. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

my mum said ‘please spend more time with your nana while she’s still alive to do so’.

You're doing what your Mum asked, and you're being helpful to her.

I wouldn't try to make this about what you're not getting--keep it about what you are giving.

Your Nana will have days where she enjoys you and your Mum more than others. She'll have other days when it's not so much.

Head high. You're doing the right thing, and you will thank yourself later.

[MissCanuck]

OP, don't make this about you. 

The lady is old and probably doesn't have many years left in front of her. Go and give what you can, while you still have that opportunity. Try not to keep score and treat this like other friendships that need more reciprocity - she's your family and probably just enjoys the company. 

 

 

[Batya33]

I would stop contacting her to see if you should visit.  Figure out what she needs in the way of food, services, what she likes -treats, etc - and where it's harder for her to get those things and call her and say "guess what I found your favorite coffee at ____ - I'd love to drop it off for you but wanted to make sure you were home first -how does [day/time] sound?" Then do the drop off and if you're invited to stay, do so.  

Also showing up is 80% - show up, look pleasant and approachable at lunch and make good eye contact. So if your mom has to repeat what you said -ok it can be annoying but do it.  

My mom is 87.  She lives alone.  She has tons of friends and acquaintances especially over the last 6 years when she stopped being my dad's main caregiver. She is in local senior citizen groups, now attends religious services and meals with one of the women in the group, goes to lectures at local libraries, goes out to eat etc (all walking or her friend will drive -she does not drive). 

She's met many new people over the last years and has lifelong friends too who live a distance away (unfortunately more than a few have passed).  She's close with my sister and me, and keeps up with her grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

When she got to see my son this summer I mean they were thick as thieves -they reconnected since they hadn't seen each other in 2 years (covid) and you bet they bonded -nothing to grow -they just clicked -nothing forced. 

He helped her by holding her elbow while we walked at times, helped her make breakfast, etc.  They had a blast. She repeats herself more these days but it's fine -my son who is 13 recognizes she is in her 80s and slowing down a tad and he gets that she's not going to dash around like a teenager.  You have to meet a person where he or she is, whatever age.  She meets him where he is, too.  

Do small and large kindnesses for her.  Find out what local senior citizen activities there are -offer to take her to one and drive her back or arrange for a car service.  

And I know you have trouble with timeliness - I mean she's in her 80s. Be on time for her - like I said 80% is showing up and especially older people -who somehow made it places on time with no smartphone -imagine that - can notice that a whole lot more.  If someone is a half hour late for me even if they "call" it's not ok more than once unless I get the call before I leave, unless I can fill in that time with an errand or work etc - emergencies are fine -those are exceptions -so are tentative plans or tentative time range -then I can plan in advance. 

Maybe your nana doesn't want to be more open around you because she's seeing you as unreliable -and it's a vulnerable feeling when you're older - like if you made a plan to see her one on one and were "running late" by a half hour - she's likely not to have a smartphone to call you and find out why.  

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, 1a1a said:

my mum said ‘please spend more time with your nana while she’s still alive to do so’.

Do what is right for you and in your heart. If you wish some more one-on-one time with her, try to arrange it but not to appease your mother's angst and guilt.

[Seraphim]

It is very very very difficult to be hard of hearing. It is a disability even if it happens when you are elderly. They become very disenfranchised. My dad became deaf as a toddler and my mom is almost completely stone deaf her hearing aids won’t work much longer to help her hear. She prefers to communicate by text when apart because she can’t hear on the phone. In person you have to sit right next to her and look into her face and speak or she can’t hear and understand you. Try sitting directly next to your grandmother and looking directly at her when you speak. 

[Seraphim]

Also very difficult to build reciprocity if there was none to start. Building a relationship takes time. 

[Cherylyn]

Do what you can and expect less.  Don't expect reciprocation.  Any love you give your grandmother is unconditional and one way to her only.  If you expect anymore, you'll only feel hurt and disappointed. 

Many old people have outstanding long term memory yet have poor short term memory.  Embrace her stories about England, the good old days, childhood or young adulthood memories, etc.  I agree, it's a good way to learn family history.  Just listen and when she's tired and ready to leave, know she's fatigued and needs rest.  Sometimes the elderly don't want to socialize as long as younger people so remain patient.  Go with the flow.