Broken Family Loneliness

[TheSpoon2Big]

Really hard to pick a single section of this forum to post under lol. I guess Emotions and Feelings are as general and vague yet all encompassing as they get!

This is more of a vent post since no one will read it. And that's OK it's not really my goal. I can't make anyone like me or offer any amazing words of wisdom or encouragement based on some minimalist post on the internet. All I can hope is that I can't make it any worse.

I'm at a seriously low, low point in my life. I used to post a lot on this forum under a different name once upon a time, mostly focused on girls I was dating and the subsequent lead up to or fallout thereof the relationships with them. Those days seem long ago and if only I had those worries in my life, it'd seem a lot easier than what I have to deal with now. And I can't blame anyone but myself, right?

It's a new level of hopelessness and loneliness I feel, especially lately, especially today. Thank God for my dog. She's about all I've got. I tried to call my father earlier tonight in my excitement to tell him I might have a job again, although I don't know where it's going and don't want to get my hopes up. He didn't answer, of course. I got a text from him that just said, "What" and, "Text". I said I just wanted to talk. He said his back hurts. So I guess he can't pick up the phone call from his only son? That's a lie if I've ever heard one... I suggested I'd just come to his house then to visit (2 hours drive). He said "Don't recommend". ***? What's the grand conspiracy here? I know it has to have something to do with the rest of my small, broken and messed up family. My sister has effectively disowned me without saying it. It's been about a year since we last spoke in some drunken argument on the phone. We both said very hurtful things, but that wasn't the first time. Come to find out in May (my birthday month), I ran across my sister's post on Facebook welcoming the birth of her third child. Great news! I had no idea. Everyone in the family specifically sought to either keep this information from me, or just didn't care to even mention it one time in any conversation? Like, "hey your sister is having a girl this time!" or something? Nope, nothing. Like I wasn't going to eventually find out anyway? I mean, why go out of your way to obscure this from me? It's just weird. And hurtful. Feels like I'm being further and further excluded from the family. 

My nephew won't talk to me, maybe ever again now. It was like 2 weeks ago, he finally answered a call from me (been trying since April) and wouldn't let me speak, said he had earplugs in and he would not be able to hear anything I was saying. He said stuff like, "I can't hear you so don't even bother but just listen to me you're crazy you need help and I'm never talking to you" and came out of left field saying I needed to go to NA, Rehab, and to a church! Which is some insanely confusing stuff coming from someone who hasn't talked to me in months and has no clue what's going on in my life etc. I have no idea why he thinks I would need rehab or NA. I'm not any kind of addict at all. If anything maybe he meant AA, but not even that is a big deal. I hardly ever drink anymore these days. Being broke and unemployed sure cuts down on your ability to spend money on drugs and alcohol even if I wanted to, which I don't. So I don't know where he got that information. Probably from my Mom. She's a basket case herself.

Then there's my cousin who's about my age. I haven't talked to her in decades. I don't know where she lives, I know nothing about her life. Except that we were following each other on Instagram, that's about it. And out of nowhere, also a few weeks ago, she starts messaging me the most hateful and vile things in response to some post I put on my profile story or something. She's calling me a "***" and a "***" and saying I'm gross and that my girlfriends have all left me because I have a mental illness and all this *** about how my dad has an anger problem and I'm this and that etc. Really hateful hurtful stuff. I took a screenshot and showed my Mom asking her, "How the hell does this girl think she knows anything about me or my life?" and my Mom's response?, "I don't know don't underestimate her, she's clever". Wow thanks mom.

 

i could write for hours but what's the po;int

[greendots]

Hi TheSpoon2Big,

This is a friendly community so feel free to write here any time. How did it go with that potential job in the end?

Would you be interested in volunteering? It's a great way to help the community and meet other people / socialize without having to spend money. I honestly think you'd benefit from it. Plus, it's a good way to network, learn new skills, add work experience on your CV and find jobs through your newfound contacts.

FYI - you're courageous for writing in so much depth about how you're feeling and what you're going through. Like you, there are others currently struggling and I hope your post encourages them to come out and share their stories with us. They are not alone. Neither are you.

Be abundantly blessed! 🙂

 

 

[SooSad33]

 One good thing is you mentioned potential for a new job?  That's good then 🙂 

Sorry to hear about all of your family issue's 😕 .

Has everyone been this... bitter forever?  Or have things been going on to cause this kind if uproar?  Just sounds so negative & dysfunctional.  Is so hard to live all the negativity.

Is there a problem or two you may have, in your eyes?  eg drinking?

So your dad is 'cold' towards you?  Has he gotten more grumpy due to things like an unhappy life or something? ( do your parents get along?).

Do you have any friends to do things with?  Because the worst thing to do is be stuck in your head for too long 😕 .  Is good to get out there & do things.. go for walks & get some air. etc.  And as mentioned above, even some volunteer work.. or a sport...hobby?

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, TheSpoon2Big said:

 I used to post a lot on this forum under a different name once upon a time, mostly focused on girls I was dating 

What was your username then? Why are you posting under a different account?

[tattoobunnie]

Well, if your sister, nephew, dad, cousin are telling you you have some issues to work out, maybe try listening.  I don't know what you are posting on social media, maybe you are posting hateful things.  The common denominator here is you.  I am sorry to hear you are feeling low, but maybe try sending a baby gift, and saying, "I'm sorry for being the biggest Sh*tbag, and I hope one day you can forgive me."  Don't make it about what she said...be accountable for yourself.

And just because it was a year ago doesn't matter.  It was the last thing you are known for by her son and her and everyone else.  Stop getting in your own way, and make amends.  None of the "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I only said it because you said this" lame apology.  You can only control yourself, so you can apologize for your behavior.  No more victim or excuses.  Just because you are in a rut does not mean you get to drag everyone else down with you.

Good luck at the new job.

[Wiseman2]

Is

On 9/27/2022 at 1:26 AM, TheSpoon2Big said:

I used to post a lot on this forum under a different name once upon a time, mostly focused on girls I was dating

Is this you?:
https://www.enotalone.com/profile/77059-bigspoon/

[TheSpoon2Big]

On 9/29/2022 at 1:07 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Is

Is this you?:
https://www.enotalone.com/profile/77059-bigspoon/

Holy crap yes!!! I don't know why I thought the account was deleted or something! I couldn't remember my old log in details. I'm surprised someone remembered! Maybe I should go back onto that account although it's hard to feel like some of the same person as I used to be when I was so active with my problems here 9-10 years ago lol.

On 9/29/2022 at 10:39 AM, tattoobunnie said:

Well, if your sister, nephew, dad, cousin are telling you you have some issues to work out, maybe try listening.  I don't know what you are posting on social media, maybe you are posting hateful things.  The common denominator here is you.  I am sorry to hear you are feeling low, but maybe try sending a baby gift, and saying, "I'm sorry for being the biggest Sh*tbag, and I hope one day you can forgive me."  Don't make it about what she said...be accountable for yourself.

And just because it was a year ago doesn't matter.  It was the last thing you are known for by her son and her and everyone else.  Stop getting in your own way, and make amends.  None of the "I'm sorry you feel that way," or "I only said it because you said this" lame apology.  You can only control yourself, so you can apologize for your behavior.  No more victim or excuses.  Just because you are in a rut does not mean you get to drag everyone else down with you.

Good luck at the new job.

I appreciate the response, and I'm not disagreeing with you or anyone who says I need to work on things. I'm not shucking off responsibility or any ownership. But without going into my entire family history, it's hard to make a judgement on this whole thing as a third party observer. Again, I know I have issues, and I've taken steps to work on them. I could go into how my attempts keep getting ruined i.e. a few months ago, I was doing an intensive outpatient group therapy program with a local hospital via Zoom 3-4 days per week for 2-3hrs each time. I was also unemployed at that time and had a job opportunity come up to work out of state for a month or two and make good money. I couldn't say no to that! I didn't think it would be a problem to still attend the therapy because it was virtual. But as soon as I told my therapists in the group what I was doing, they just discharged me from the program "because I crossed state lines". And then when I got back into town and tried to get involved again, they said they did not have the capacity or capability to help me. This was all arranged by the VA (I'm a Veteran) and they referred me back to the VA to get them to find me yet another "Community Care" provider. This kind of thing has been rinse and repeat for over a year. I'll get matched with a provider, and then after a few sessions that provider will essentially kick me out, saying it's not a good fit. 

 

My family is far from perfect. If you only knew the things that have been said and done by them against me. The pot calling the kettle black. And they know exactly the knife to twist inside me to hurt me, and they use it frequently.

[TheSpoon2Big]

On 9/27/2022 at 12:05 AM, greendots said:

Hi TheSpoon2Big,

This is a friendly community so feel free to write here any time. How did it go with that potential job in the end?

Would you be interested in volunteering? It's a great way to help the community and meet other people / socialize without having to spend money. I honestly think you'd benefit from it. Plus, it's a good way to network, learn new skills, add work experience on your CV and find jobs through your newfound contacts.

FYI - you're courageous for writing in so much depth about how you're feeling and what you're going through. Like you, there are others currently struggling and I hope your post encourages them to come out and share their stories with us. They are not alone. Neither are you.

Be abundantly blessed! 🙂

 

 

Thanks for being kind. The potential job thing isn't what I thought it would be. I've helped the guy out a few times, but haven't gotten paid yet. It's not a real official job. Just something to get some experience and pass the time I guess. 

I'm currently in a VA program for Veterans for job training. I'm doing IT computer stuff. Will have some professional certifications soon that carry some weight. It's just hard to get into a job without experience and can't get experience without a job. I like your volunteering suggestion. That's somewhat of what I'm doing at the moment.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, Spoon, and thank you for your service.

I'm stepping out at the moment, but I'd like to respond shortly.

[greendots]

On 10/1/2022 at 1:37 PM, TheSpoon2Big said:

Thanks for being kind. The potential job thing isn't what I thought it would be. I've helped the guy out a few times, but haven't gotten paid yet. It's not a real official job. Just something to get some experience and pass the time I guess. 

I'm currently in a VA program for Veterans for job training. I'm doing IT computer stuff. Will have some professional certifications soon that carry some weight. It's just hard to get into a job without experience and can't get experience without a job. I like your volunteering suggestion. That's somewhat of what I'm doing at the moment.

You're a veteran? Kudos to you!! Also, awesome you're obtaining a professional certification soon! That with your IT skills and volunteering will certainly open some fabulous doors for you.

Feel free to volunteer elsewhere too, which widens your network and means you've got higher chances of getting a paid job. As for the guy who hasn't paid you yet, see if he can recommend you to others.

What you're currently achieving is great! You're moving forward. Keep us posted. 🙂

[catfeeder]

On 9/27/2022 at 1:26 AM, TheSpoon2Big said:

My sister has effectively disowned me without saying it. It's been about a year since we last spoke in some drunken argument on the phone. We both said very hurtful things, but that wasn't the first time.

It sounds as though this argument may have shaken up your sister more than you realize, and that your family is aware of this.

Do you remember what happened, or do you have an idea why your family members are upset with you?