Chapter 3

[dias]

Usually you don't get taxed on your income when it comes to the first 10K as a Greek resident. However, I am still a UK resident meaning this doesn't apply to me and I have to pay 700 euros. Next year it would be 1000 euros. Not only Greece has higher taxes than the UK (big difference believe me), I also have to pay because I am not a Greek resident (I mean from a tax perspective). 

Tax return -1K. Just great. Everything is going great these days.

[dias]

A start-up based in London reached out today. They said they offer remote working. I am not leaving the consultancy but it's easy to get tempted when they reach out with good offers. Now, my problem with getting a better job is that it does not solve the problem. Building your own successful start-up only solves it. 

I am at a stage in my life where I want and need permanent solutions on every level: job, women, location. I can't keep going with short-term fixes to long-term problems. I just can't. 

[dias]

I need to watch RocknRolla again for the 5 time. I love almost all the Guy Ritchie movies. I love the humor, it's so British. 

Mark Strong plays the coolest underboss ever. Well, he is half Italian, it makes sense. 

 

 

 

 

"I was trying to use initiative"

"what is this a tennis match Arch"

"he never went to school"

"you cut them or you pay them but you keep the receipts because this ain't the mafia"

Those four lines in the above scene always get me. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, dias said:

A start-up based in London reached out today. They said they offer remote working. I am not leaving the consultancy but it's easy to get tempted when they reach out with good offers. Now, my problem with getting a better job is that it does not solve the problem. Building your own successful start-up only solves it. 

I am at a stage in my life where I want and need permanent solutions on every level: job, women, location. I can't keep going with short-term fixes to long-term problems. I just can't. 

As you know it’s a tall order and yes seems to come easily for some. And for others it “seems” but only on social media. I had the job part very early on. And the marriage part about 15 years later. 

[dias]

I must been cursed, I can't explain it otherwise. I am interviewing with multiple clients and generally all interviews go well. However, when I really like the team and the project somehow things stall. Always something happens and the process stalls. One client changed its mind, the other says I am very expensive, there is always something. I am talking with two clients from the UK, one from Switzerland and one from the US. I would be fine with either the projects in the US or the UK but they have been flaky so far. The only concrete answer I got is from the Swiss client that I am not really interested in working. And I can't reject clients for no serious reason as the consultancy is losing money. 

I can't even get a mutual interest on a client level. Like wth? 

God, give me a break for once and give me something I like. You don't give me mutual interest with the women I like, at least give me a project I like. 

[mylolita]

On 5/24/2024 at 2:23 PM, dias said:

I must been cursed, I can't explain it otherwise. I am interviewing with multiple clients and generally all interviews go well. However, when I really like the team and the project somehow things stall. Always something happens and the process stalls. One client changed its mind, the other says I am very expensive, there is always something. I am talking with two clients from the UK, one from Switzerland and one from the US. I would be fine with either the projects in the US or the UK but they have been flaky so far. The only concrete answer I got is from the Swiss client that I am not really interested in working. And I can't reject clients for no serious reason as the consultancy is losing money. 

I can't even get a mutual interest on a client level. Like wth? 

God, give me a break for once and give me something I like. You don't give me mutual interest with the women I like, at least give me a project I like. 

Dias! 
 

Hear this - I often would read your journal and think to myself, “How lucky is Dias?! How talented! How INTELLIGENT! I wish I could code, do maths, understand computers?! I wish I had discipline for the gym! I wish I was health conscious! I wish I had motivation and drive! I wish I could save money, be responsible financially! And think before acting!” And on and on.

 

Things will pick up. This whole life, it seems to be swings and roundabouts. Swings and bloody roundabouts! Round and round and up and up.

 

Try not to beat yourself up. Ruts happen to everyone.

 

x

[mylolita]

On 5/21/2024 at 8:49 PM, Batya33 said:

As you know it’s a tall order and yes seems to come easily for some. And for others it “seems” but only on social media. I had the job part very early on. And the marriage part about 15 years later. 

We do and can sometimes have it all, but seldom all at once.

 

So very true. 
 

x

[dias]

Thank you for your kind words @mylolita  and your compliments, you making me blush!!!

I do get what you are saying, I do. I am the kind of person though that I only believe when I see. And so far I have been on slippery slope trying to resolve long term problems with short term fixes. I am trying to change it consciously but I won't believe until something pretty good comes up for real. Fingers crossed!

[dias]

Man, the hip-hop lessons have become more intense, I can barely talk after each session, especially since I joined a second team. It's physically demanding as it's very fast cardio in conjunction with right technique. The instructor already pointed 3 things I have to practice a lot and I am like I tried it's just my legs that don't obey as they should lol. I do want to participate to the performance of course for multiple reasons, mainly for becoming comfortable with stage performances, having 300+ people watching you, it would be a good lesson for sure. Second, I like it. There is a good chance I will freeze for some seconds. Hope not!

The performance is essentially some kind of musical so it includes many choreographies which narrate a story. Kids start first followed by the adult teams. Unfortunately the owner decided to change the story and do it more kid friendly so the main story revolves around Disney characters. Of course the music would be a cool remix  but the stage set and the outfits would be Disney like lol. I have to play Donald Duck...hahahahahahahaha I haven't done this kind of stuff since I was 10 years old in primary school. It will go great hahahahahaha

The only thing I am worried about is that I am also looking for new clients and having interviews which is stressful, now doubling the frequency of the rehearsals for 2 months is adding much more weight on my shoulders and I am struggling to cope with both. 

Let's see how things go on both fronts.....I have to say though, I really wish I had found hip-hop when I was a kid. Sad indeed. 

[mylolita]

22 hours ago, dias said:

Thank you for your kind words @mylolita  and your compliments, you making me blush!!!

I do get what you are saying, I do. I am the kind of person though that I only believe when I see. And so far I have been on slippery slope trying to resolve long term problems with short term fixes. I am trying to change it consciously but I won't believe until something pretty good comes up for real. Fingers crossed!

I understand Dias and no problem at all! 
 

We’re all in the same boat. Everyone gets dips and troughs. You’ll be a-okay!

 

x

[dias]

Ok, these last 4 days were one of the most strange and unique experiences I have ever had. Film-like experience I would say. Or dream like experience. 

I put bumble again last Friday, probably I was bored. I matched with a 28 years old girl, I was not that much attracted to her appearance but when she sent me a voice message then I got hooked because she had one of the nicest voices I have ever heard. We started sending voice messages and then having video calls and spending endless hours every day chatting. We met almost one week later on Thursday for a coffee. She was a bit heavier than the photos or what I could see on the videos but other than that the same person. We got along very well, and here is the thing, I haven't got along so well with a girl before. First time I was truly myself and I didn't have to filter what I say or just conversing about the standard things you say so you won't say something you shouldn't. We went for a walk and then we drove to a nice hill-top view. Lot's of kissing and foreplay, we tried sex but I couldn't get fully erected so we stopped. The story would have ended here normally. She was a little bit disappointed, I was in a bad mood because I couldn't get an erection, we would part ways and that's it. 

However, there was an unexpected turn of events. I left my car at a parking lot and when I arrived it was closed. She said I could sleep at her place, I thanked her and I said I would find a hotel. It was difficult to find a hotel at 1am in the morning though so we ended up at her place. She lives with her rich dad and step-mom. I felt really uncomfortable sleeping in a stranger's house at first but she was very forthcoming and I didn't meet her parents thankfully. We had sex that night. Relatively good sex but nothing crazy. We slept together holding hands. 

We woke up together. For some reason I felt serenity and peace. I really enjoyed her company and spending time together even though I wasn't attracted to her much physically-wise. She had a nice smile, an amazing voice, nice lips and perky boobs but other than that I wasn't attracted to her from this perspective. I really really liked her personality though and we got along great, certainly the most beautiful moments I have experienced with a girl.  It's difficult to explain because I had very mixed feelings. Anyhow, we decided to see each other again the same day. She drove me to my car, I went home, changed and went back (2 hours each way in traffic - believe me when I say I would never do it for a girl I didn't like - I know because I had never done it before). We spent Friday at her place, imagine one of those 3+ million dollar mansions with swimming pools etc etc. We had fun, the awkwardness of the first day was gone and it was much better. Saturday we visited my parents house as it is near there. We had sex there as well. She met my parents too. We went for a stroll at the beach, I met her mother who happened to be there and then we went at a restaurant. We slept at my parents house and went back to her place. Swam in the swimming pool, watched TV etc. We slept there and we spent the morning today. I danced our hip-hop choreographies and did magic mike a bit with all those stripper's moves which she loved. I left this morning. 

On the way back, I processed my feelings because I didn't have any time to do that as we were 3 and a half days together 24/7. We had a video call, I told her I liked her, she is one of the cutest girl I have seen and it's the best time I have ever had with a girl. All true. 100% true. Then I told her I wasn't in love with her which is also true. I said we can stay friends but she didn't want. This is it pretty much. I have omitted some activities but this is the summary. 

The thing is, I was very confused about my feelings from the beginning as I wasn't physically attracted to her. On the other hand, aside from the first incident with my erection issue we had sex and foreplay about 15 times in 3 and a half days. We spent 6-7 hours having foreplay and sex every day which is a lot. Spent a lot of time saying sweet things too. She told me she was in love. Problem is I wasn't. She had everything I would like on a girl personality wise. Same sense of humour, witty, easy-going, fun, clever, same outlook on life and she also brought me this feeling of serenity I have never experienced before. Also, turned out later on, she was a kinky sub in bed which is a perfect fit for me. 

Personality wise and sex-wise she was hands down the perfect girl. I just wasn't attracted to her physically. In our last call, I could tell she was about to cry. She said that she feels all those things we experienced together and all those sweet words were a lie. It wasn't. I had the most beautiful time I have ever had with a girl. If I were physically attracted to her I would say she was the one for sure. 

I am also sad but I knew I wasn't in love with her while I could tell she was. Although I would have liked to continue seeing her because I was really into her personality I believe I did the right thing. It would be much more difficult later on. 

I might be shallow, I am thinking about it. Dunno. 

 

 

 

[dias]

It feels like a dream. I think it's better to stay this way. One beautiful memory to reminisce some day. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, dias said:

It feels like a dream. I think it's better to stay this way. One beautiful memory to reminisce some day. 

Yes -I'd go with that for her sake too since she obviously has intense feelings whether love or infatuation -but they are intense.  Perhaps her eagerness and availability  and taking such obvious risks with her safety with a stranger somehow turned you off in a way -although obviously you were ready to move fast (although not with the same feelings about it, apparently).  She does sound like a very good and genuine and caring person as an early impression.

[dias]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Perhaps her eagerness and availability  and taking such obvious risks with her safety with a stranger somehow turned you off in a way -although obviously you were ready to move fast (although not with the same feelings about it, apparently)

No her eagerness was nothing to do with it. I liked she was genuine. I was not sure about my feelings. If I had the same feelings she would be the one for sure.  

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

She does sound like a very good and genuine and caring person as an early impression.

She is. Very unique as a person for sure. 

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -I'd go with that for her sake too

Yes I believe it's better now than later. She un-followed me on insta so that's a good sign. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, dias said:

No her eagerness was nothing to do with it. I liked she was genuine. I was not sure about my feelings. If I had the same feelings she would be the one for sure.  

 

She is. Very unique as a person for sure. 

 

Yes I believe it's better now than later. She un-followed me on insta so that's a good sign. 

Good.  I'd be wary about someone expressing such intense feelings upon first meeting.  It sounds like it was a fun fling and she smartly is moving on.  As are you.  

[dias]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Good.  I'd be wary about someone expressing such intense feelings upon first meeting.  It sounds like it was a fun fling and she smartly is moving on.  As are you.  

I wasn't put off or have any trouble by the intense feelings personally. I had and expressed intense feelings too. This part was fine with me. Yes it's good she moved on. I am sad because our communication was 10/10 which is very rare for me. I talked it with my friend, and yes he agrees this girl had 3 out of 4 which is very rare. Communication was 10/10, sex was 10/10, she was wealthy and although I paid for everything she always offered to split so the financial aspect was out of the equation anyway. She will inherit millions so I am pretty certain there are many guys chasing her for that alone. 

3 out of 4 is pretty rare, especially the communication part and the chemistry. She wasn't for me looks-wise but I do feel lucky and blessed I met a person like her. Hope she will have a great life. 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

This is your journal so I respect your opinions and perspective. 

[mylolita]

On 6/2/2024 at 2:31 PM, dias said:

No her eagerness was nothing to do with it. I liked she was genuine. I was not sure about my feelings. If I had the same feelings she would be the one for sure.  

 

She is. Very unique as a person for sure. 

 

Yes I believe it's better now than later. She un-followed me on insta so that's a good sign. 

Dias! 
 

As a romantic, part of this is hard for me to hear! 
 

I can see, from her perspective, why she thought you were in love also. Even if you didn’t say it; this seems much more than an intense sexual fling! I understand where she is coming from.

 

All is fair in the art of love and war! Strange things will happen.

 

I never speak of this with anyone, but the first night me and D slept with each other, after weeks and weeks of intensely being together, I fell asleep on his chest and I have to say, I was so besotted and such a virgin that I wanted to indulge in all these intimidate things I’d dreamt of.. but after an hour on a hot night, it was so UNCOMFORTABLE! He has a very hairy chest 🥲🤣 and I just wanted off, but I didn’t, at the same time… I don’t know; maybe I wanted to savour that moment? 
 

Anyway, I managed to fall into this light sleep and I woke up to him in the dark trying to pull the bed sheets from underneath me. I didn’t know what to say so I pretended to still be asleep… HA! Turns out at 28 he had wet the bed for the first time since he was 3 years old. 
 

It was such a one off, strange psychological thing. We laugh about it now and then. He said he was so content but beyond nervous, he forgot himself? I don’t think either of us really slept that night, truth be told.

 

Funny things happen when intense emotions are involved - these things are truly, the spice of life! 
 

Just be careful with women’s feelings.
 

No way you want to see her again and make a try?

 

x

[mylolita]

*I feel like I have to defend the hubs and say, by the way, the next 16 years that has followed he has never had an accident in bed again 🤣

 

I often wonder about the psychology behind that and why! Maybe no rhyme or reason! 
 

Anyway, don’t mean to finger wag Dias - by the by, sounds like you had ONE WEEKEND!

 

x

[dias]

On 6/4/2024 at 7:16 PM, mylolita said:

Just be careful with women’s feelings.
 

No way you want to see her again and make a try?

I will. To be honest I told her so many sweet things (things I have never said to a girl before) that I understand why she felt I took her hope away. I think because her mother abandoned her as a child she has an immense need to be loved and hear sweet words. 

I do. I want to make a try because I don't think it was just a casual fling, I really felt something. I reached out to her again. Apparently she was very hurt and angry and I had to listen to all the "you are a nutcase and an *sshole" things before I swayed her again. I bought her a couple of gifts too. We started talking again. She went back to Germany as she works there and comes back every 2 weeks. I do want to see how this will unfold. As you know I am not exactly the relationship type, however, I want to try in this case as we match on many levels. 

Let's see how things will play out. 

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, dias said:

I will. To be honest I told her so many sweet things (things I have never said to a girl before) that I understand why she felt I took her hope away. I think because her mother abandoned her as a child she has an immense need to be loved and hear sweet words. 

I do. I want to make a try because I don't think it was just a casual fling, I really felt something. I reached out to her again. Apparently she was very hurt and angry and I had to listen to all the "you are a nutcase and an *sshole" things before I swayed her again. I bought her a couple of gifts too. We started talking again. She went back to Germany as she works there and comes back every 2 weeks. I do want to see how this will unfold. As you know I am not exactly the relationship type, however, I want to try in this case as we match on many levels. 

Let's see how things will play out. 

 

Yes as long as you are honest with her and yourself.  I wouldn't try to analyze why -many people especially when they have sex feel vulnerable.  I'm sorry she was abandoned and it's speculation that she needs sweet words from a near stranger because of her childhood experiences. 

I think it's fine you expressed feelings, etc - she wanted to have sex with you right away and you with her and that involves risk of emotional attachment.  You didn't promise to be her exclusive boyfriend and it doesn't sound like you even made specific plans for another date.  

(In 2003 I dated a self-described reformed player - who was looking for his person, a wife. He never fell in love with me -I fell for him- he ended things after 5 months.  He'd never been the relationship type and was then 40.  6 months later he met his future wife through a dating site -we met through friends- and they've been married almost 20 years-now he might not have been the relationship type still based on how he contacted me when he was engaged and early in his marriage -but from all I know they are still together). My point is -he definitely fell for her -and then became a "relationship type."  With me -he cared for me a lot -it was obvious -and never fell for me so he kept his distance in that way and ended things after 5 months.

[itsallgrand]

Whoa what a story!

The physical attraction part...is the chemistry there? I'm a bit confused on that. I'm confused if it's just that you don't find her particularly beautiful or if you aren't really attracted physically and your body doesn't respond that much to being with her? Sorry if too personal. I think it's important to figure out though if it's lack of raw attraction  or your ideas of who you would normally be attracted to getting in the way. One you can be changed and the other not so much.

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Whoa what a story!

The physical attraction part...is the chemistry there? I'm a bit confused on that. I'm confused if it's just that you don't find her particularly beautiful or if you aren't really attracted physically and your body doesn't respond that much to being with her? Sorry if too personal. I think it's important to figure out though if it's lack of raw attraction  or your ideas of who you would normally be attracted to getting in the way. One you can be changed and the other not so much.

 

 

 

 

I also was confused/wondering

[dias]

On 6/6/2024 at 9:12 PM, itsallgrand said:

Whoa what a story!

Yeah, I can't believe I am the one who lived it hahaha One of the highlights of my life. 

On 6/6/2024 at 9:12 PM, itsallgrand said:

The physical attraction part...is the chemistry there? I'm a bit confused on that. I'm confused if it's just that you don't find her particularly beautiful or if you aren't really attracted physically and your body doesn't respond that much to being with her? Sorry if too personal. I think it's important to figure out though if it's lack of raw attraction  or your ideas of who you would normally be attracted to getting in the way. One you can be changed and the other not so much.

This is the thing, it's complicated. When I see her in the old photos that she was 10-12 kilos less I see a nice body and a cute face. She was not a head-turner, you wouldn't say she was pretty but if she checked me out at a bar I believe I might approached her. When I saw her now that she put weight and was a bit unkempt, to be honest I wouldn't notice her in a room with people or if she walked past me. In some people, extra pounds can look good, she is the opposite. 

Now, strangely, even though I don't find her objectively attractive right now, I do feel attracted to her on a sexual level. Very strange feeling. Certainly there is chemistry, I am not sure if it's that we have so much chemistry on the personality level that extends in bed or it is raw attraction. I can't figure it out. 

I think the incident the first day was irrelevant, I am 99.9% certain it has nothing to do with her. I was very horny. Since you are into fitness yourself you might know that when guys have low body fat and they are tired it's difficult to keep an erection. Yeah, having abs has this drawback. It's nothing new to me, this is how my body responds with low body fat and exhaustion. I hadn't eaten since noon and it was 1am in the morning the next day, I was very tired. After the incident we went to a pizza place and I ate 6 big slices of pizza. In this state, your body responds with an erection when you eat junk food. Yeah, I am going deep into fitness here, only fitness addicts understand these things. Anyway, then we had a lot of sex all the time. So bottom line, I am attracted to her sexually without objectively saying wow what a girl when I see her. 

She has a nice body (nice proportions), if she loses 10-12 kilos she would be a pistol. I told her, she says she will try. To be honest, I don't believe something will change so I take what I see now. 

Having said that, she is pretty good in bed and we match on everything there. This is extremely important to me as I have high sex drive. I know this is also very rare and I love it. I would prefer it 1 million times than having a pretty girl that does not like sex or she is boring in bed. 

The thing is, we match sooooooooooooooooooooo good personality-wise that I am 10000% sure I will never find this again. Communication and company is 15 out of 10. You know this feeling when you get an once in a lifetime opportunities? This is how I felt, I thought she is one of those cases and I would be stupid not to at least try and see how things go. Can I find a prettier girl? Yes. Can I find a girl that we match so amazingly? No, I am sure about that. 

To be honest, if she loses some kilos and takes care of herself she would be perfect. She would have all the things I want. She had a rough time with health issues and also her dad was diagnosed with cancer (she only has her dad) so I completely understand why she wouldn't care about her appearance. 

Even my parents who told me to find a prettier girl said that I looked infatuated with her (I think this is what scared them). Am I infatuated with her because of her appearance? No. I am certainly infatuated with her as a person though. It's difficult to describe because I only got infatuated with the British girl in Liverpool in my life but she was also very pretty. Now it's a different case. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Do you want a prettier girl for your ego -so others will see you with a prettier girl -obviously there is no chemistry issue and so far -so far -since you really have to get to know someone over a longer period of time to know if your temperaments/outlooks/values and personality match -so far you click.  Assume she will never lose weight and might gain -so I'd accept and assume that because it's totally up to her whether she wants to change her weight/fitness. Also assume that she may choose to look unkempt when she goes out with you- that's also her -and those choices are part of her personality and outlook and values.

I'd also assume she is a near stranger- this initial rush of chemistry and compatibility is awesome and don't assume that over time it will stay as is -it might improve, decrease, whatever.  

As far as the extra weight - I know you're very active with the hip hop etc - is she fit -separate and apart from the extra pounds or is she more sedentary -also consider how important that is to you.