Not Feeling a Connection

[bluecastle]

Agree that weeks of texting is excessive and often sabotaging.

For whatever it's worth, when I did the apps—and have gotten in relationships, including my current, thanks to them—I would text back and forth for about 20 minutes and then ask, "Want to continue this chat in 3D? How's Friday or Tuesday around 7 work for you?" 

Personally, this generally worked well. Weeded out people who wanted to chitchat over phones, which I generally have no interest in, and allowed me to go into dates with very low expectations. Maybe it went nowhere, maybe somewhere, maybe a random make out leading to silence—all good, since I hadn't devoted a ton of time hyping someone up in my imagination. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Brand11 said:

For some reason everyone i go out with says "they dont feel a genuine connection and we dont vibe" literally i could copy and past tons of these text messages.

In actual english language what does that even mean. We talk about eachothers lives, what kinds of things we are into, and then kiss and go home. What special thing are other people doing that they are getting into relationships?

It usually means that they dont like you enough for more. Again, it may not be entirely up to you. If you would "dig deeper" into your examples who knows what you would find. From just a desire to hookup(just because they say they want relationship doesnt mean they actually do) to various other reasons that influenced their decision. You seem to think that its maybe you doing something wrong. But its usually a combination of factors involved.

3 hours ago, Brand11 said:

What are types of women can you tell me what types of women there are? I see them all the same like i dont see any difference, you are who you are. As long as i find you cute, you like similar things as i do, and i like talking to you then that's all you can go off of. Am i supposed to go with someone i dont like is that the trick?

You like what you like, for better or worst. Think nobody is going to argue you with that. Just saying that you are maybe chasing the type of girls where commitment is not on the menu. Again, average dating apps girl probably gets 10 messages from different guys a day. Beatiful one depending on various factors, maybe over 100. There is a pretty good scientific research regarding the ammount of happiness and number of options. When options are high, happiness is getting low. Because no matter what you choose, there is always the next best thing. So, maybe its the same with your girls. Its hard to commit whn there is always the next better thing.

Anyway, again its just something to think about. You know that you have a lot to offer, are confident enough and are actually getting an insane ammount of dates. So, you should be at least having breakthrough with the numbers game alone. 

[waffle]

22 hours ago, Brand11 said:

The only girls that dont say that and want to move on are ones I'm not crazy about and dont want to move foward.

What is the reason or reasons why you don't want to see these particular women again?

 

[Brand11]

22 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Agree that weeks of texting is excessive and often sabotaging.

For whatever it's worth, when I did the apps—and have gotten in relationships, including my current, thanks to them—I would text back and forth for about 20 minutes and then ask, "Want to continue this chat in 3D? How's Friday or Tuesday around 7 work for you?" 

Personally, this generally worked well. Weeded out people who wanted to chitchat over phones, which I generally have no interest in, and allowed me to go into dates with very low expectations. Maybe it went nowhere, maybe somewhere, maybe a random make out leading to silence—all good, since I hadn't devoted a ton of time hyping someone up in my imagination. 

That's actually a good thought I like what you said there. Me personally i would like this the most. But the problem is majority of girls I've tried anything even close to that with, even after 1 or 2 days, just say "im not ready to be going out i dont know nearly enough about you yet" or they just get turned off about it so it might chase away someone good.

Also there have been girls that after months of texting finally were "not busy enough" to go out and we went out and i liked them a lot 

[Brand11]

20 hours ago, waffle said:

What is the reason or reasons why you don't want to see these particular women again?

 

I forget if i put it in my reply.

But theres multiple very valid reasons. They do not stop talking and you cant get any kind of decent communication, they dont talk at all and are just completely closed off to any kind of convo, they arent into a single thing I'm into and there's no way of talking about any interests, they are just crazy and have no job or drivers license or future, they live really far and its just too difficult. Lots of reasons 

[Brand11]

21 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

It usually means that they dont like you enough for more. Again, it may not be entirely up to you. If you would "dig deeper" into your examples who knows what you would find. From just a desire to hookup(just because they say they want relationship doesnt mean they actually do) to various other reasons that influenced their decision. You seem to think that its maybe you doing something wrong. But its usually a combination of factors involved.

You like what you like, for better or worst. Think nobody is going to argue you with that. Just saying that you are maybe chasing the type of girls where commitment is not on the menu. Again, average dating apps girl probably gets 10 messages from different guys a day. Beatiful one depending on various factors, maybe over 100. There is a pretty good scientific research regarding the ammount of happiness and number of options. When options are high, happiness is getting low. Because no matter what you choose, there is always the next best thing. So, maybe its the same with your girls. Its hard to commit whn there is always the next better thing.

Anyway, again its just something to think about. You know that you have a lot to offer, are confident enough and are actually getting an insane ammount of dates. So, you should be at least having breakthrough with the numbers game alone. 

It just seems like everything goes so well from both the physical and the not physical aspects of it. Like we seem to get along great and then bam the next day they arent interested in anything, so what are they interested in? So I'll ask them and they never give an answer. They can never give any actual explanation such as "you smell bad" or "you talk too much" or "you dont listen to me" they dont say any actual reason so like ? 

So with all these options they never get in a relationship? Most of these girls im on social media with and a month after telling me no, they are in a happy relationship with some guy that personally doesnt even seem close to my league. Someone once told me it's possible that im almost too good that it's intimidating to them? Idk lol

You could say the numbers are in my favor, but this has been 4 years of nonstop dating. I got close with 1 girl, we went out for about a month multiple times, then in the end said "i lost interest"

[bluecastle]

5 minutes ago, Brand11 said:

But the problem is majority of girls I've tried anything even close to that with, even after 1 or 2 days, just say "im not ready to be going out i dont know nearly enough about you yet" or they just get turned off about it so it might chase away someone good.

So, I don’t see this as a problem. I see it as very quickly learning that someone isn’t worth your time/not on the same wavelength. 

I had a few people ask for things like my IG handle, which I freely gave. I also always suggested a multitude of meetup options that I considered “safe” like meeting at a coffee shop, a park, a wine bar on the early side. My take is: If someone is spooked by any of that, and would prefer to text with me for a few more weeks, that person just isn’t going to be for me. All in all, my assumption at anything like “I don’t know you well enough yet” is that the person isn’t really interested in getting to know me, or anyone, but just enjoying the fluttery attention that apps can provide  

Point being, I never “really liked” anyone I met in person before meeting them, including my now girlfriend of almost 4 years. Sure, some were more intriguing than others based on bs like their photos of banter, but I kept the connecting and projecting to in person. And if the person ended up flaking after a make out? Big whoop. Fun was had, not a whole lot of time wasted. 

Think you might find things shift a bit if you cut off the ones who want a lot of texting and focus on those who will meet up in a safe, public place. The vast majority of my in person dates happened with 48 hours of our first exchange. 

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, Brand11 said:

That's actually a good thought I like what you said there. Me personally i would like this the most. But the problem is majority of girls I've tried anything even close to that with, even after 1 or 2 days, just say "im not ready to be going out i dont know nearly enough about you yet" or they just get turned off about it so it might chase away someone good.

Also there have been girls that after months of texting finally were "not busy enough" to go out and we went out and i liked them a lot 

Do not ask the person out on a date.  Ask to meet for coffee or a walk in public for 45 minutes to see if it makes sense to go out.  Ask after a few messages and then a phone call.  If there's a lame excuse about meeting in person know that she is not interested in meeting you and/or interested only in online dating or a chat buddy, and move on.  Months of texting is a penpal or online dating.  Use dating sites to meet in person ASAP to potentially go on a date. Online dating is not dating.

I have a number of close platonic friends I've never met in person.  Meeting in person is essential for dating.  Looks is the least of the reasons -you have to see if there is chemistry (which often is not really based on looks), how the person makes eye contact, how the person interacts with let's say a waiter or barrista or homeless person asking for money, what their general energy is. Typing and talking and video chat and face time is not going to cut it.  But it is safe and it's great for those who are not really interested in dating and who like the safety of hiding behind a screen. Ask yourself if you go along with it because you like the safety of it too. 

It's also safer to play all over kissy face when you meet a stranger and tell yourself you were trying to get to know them and you are baffled as to why there's no "connection."  It's a lot more vulnerable to get to know someone on dates over a period of months and slowly open up to the person while also being affectionate and sexual as appropriate -then you don't get to hide behind fluffy infatuation based on lust.  

And I don't care if you've texted for months -for dating purposes it's a stranger.

[catfeeder]

On 7/6/2022 at 8:41 PM, 1a1a said:

It could be they don’t feel that spark when they kiss you (biology, if your immune systems are very similar, no spark). But then why keep making out for a prolonged time?

From what I've been learning, you could be right about this. Prolonged kissing is how fertile women get their 'read' on the immunity spark. It's unconscious, but it explains a major part of what we might call 'chemistry'.

OP, the biological part of chemistry is about mating pheromones that communicate whether our immune systems are similar or different, and women best pick this up by kissing. Potential babies might get their hair or eyes or height from either parent, but they get their immune systems from a combination of both parents. So mammals tend to be attracted to immune systems that differ from their own.

So the intellectual and emotional chemistry might be there, but the kissing could be the deal breaker, even while these girls may not consciously understand WHY they can't feel the spark.

It's a needle in the haystack thing to find a good match in all aspects of chemistry. If you view it that way, you can adopt resilience and you won't set yourself up for discouragement on your way to finding your person.