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Not Feeling a Connection


Brand11
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Posted (edited)

So I'm a 27 male and never really been in a relationship

I've gone on hundreds of dates, probably about 250-300 dates. They're mostly from dating apps or messaging on social media. For some reason we talk a lot, everything is going great, we're both excited to finally go out.

Most of time the date feels good, we talk about things we're into, get to know eachother, convo flows well the entire time, no weird moments.

Most of the time after the date we make out for a long time. So it's like you must feel good about it that you're making out with me right?

Then the next day energy is completely different, they dont act interested at all. And then 90% of them say the same exact line

"I didnt feel a connection"

And this only comes from girls that I'm actually into and really like and want to move forward with. The only girls that dont say that and want to move on are ones I'm not crazy about and dont want to move foward.

What is this and what more can someone possibly do? Why does nobody I actually like go further?

Edited by Brand11
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It could be they don’t feel that spark when they kiss you (biology, if your immune systems are very similar, no spark). But then why keep making out for a prolonged time?

 

What happens if you take it a little bit slower progressing to physical intimacy? I feel like attraction grows in the absence of the person you’re attracted to. 

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9 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

It could be they don’t feel that spark when they kiss you (biology, if your immune systems are very similar, no spark). But then why keep making out for a prolonged time?

 

What happens if you take it a little bit slower progressing to physical intimacy? I feel like attraction grows in the absence of the person you’re attracted to. 

What spark like i dont get it? Why did she continually shove her tongue down my throat and bite my lip and we both returned the same things for like 5 minutes straight. People say the kissing thing and that just wouldnt make sense.

 

It's not me even that's initiating it, it's them. The girl always does so if you arent into a guy, why are you climbing all over them to kiss? If i wouldnt kiss them back that would just be a deal breaker right there

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I think you need to re examine the type of girls you’re attracted to. There’s definitely a pattern. These girls sound like they just want to hookup or play games.  Maybe date outside you’re typical norm. Find girls that may not be a supermodel or girl next door type. Find girls with good personality and strong morals. Remember looks fade and personality brings so much more to the table. 

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That butterflies in the tummy feeling. 
 

You know sometimes you kiss someone and it feels really exciting and other times you kiss them and it doesn’t feel like anything, just lips pressed against lips. 
 

As to the why continue? Only they know the answer to that. 
 

A person that’s into you and considering you for life long partner material is not going to get discouraged if you say you don’t want to rush into the physical side of things and would instead like to get to know them more as a person. (Escalating to kissing around date 3 seems to be a pretty common rule of thumb). 

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1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

That butterflies in the tummy feeling. 
 

You know sometimes you kiss someone and it feels really exciting and other times you kiss them and it doesn’t feel like anything, just lips pressed against lips. 
 

As to the why continue? Only they know the answer to that. 
 

A person that’s into you and considering you for life long partner material is not going to get discouraged if you say you don’t want to rush into the physical side of things and would instead like to get to know them more as a person. (Escalating to kissing around date 3 seems to be a pretty common rule of thumb). 

I felt butterflies, so why would you invite me out, invite me to her house (thats where we were, she brought me back to her house) and make out with me if you dont want anything?

I've never seen someone that's interested not want to kiss after the first date or at least show enough interest and not kiss after the first one. If you dont kiss someone it feels as if you aren't interested. Id rather kiss

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, limichelle said:

I think you need to re examine the type of girls you’re attracted to. There’s definitely a pattern. These girls sound like they just want to hookup or play games.  Maybe date outside you’re typical norm. Find girls that may not be a supermodel or girl next door type. Find girls with good personality and strong morals. Remember looks fade and personality brings so much more to the table. 

People say that but what does that even mean? That's not really a possible thing to think about. If you like how someone looks and they seem like a fun person that you can get to know and you share things in common why not go out? If someone agrees to go out why would they not feel a connection, you're agreeing to go out with me in the first place. If you dont like me, then you would not go out with me.

The thing is, she brought me back to her place and thats where we made out. But we didnt even hook up or do anything else besides that

Edited by Brand11
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2 hours ago, Brand11 said:

she brought me back to her place and thats where we made out. But we didnt even hook up or do anything else besides that

I'm a 22 year old female, and maybe I'm a bit young or I'm too old school, but I personally wouldn't go to someone's place in the first go or make out with them. In some cases, the girl may feel that you're way too easy to get by making out so soon, so they just lose interest

2 hours ago, Brand11 said:

I think you need to re examine the type of girls you’re attracted to. There’s definitely a pattern. These girls sound like they just want to hookup or play games

How long have you been talking to them prior to meeting up? And how deep do your conversations go? Dishing out too much on the first date may also cause them to lose interest, mainly because if you can tell them your deepest, most personal stuff so early on, they might think you're way too casual with your own *** and can just tell random people the same thing, hence they don't feel as valued if that makes any sense. I met my partner through a dating app as well, I was lucky to swipe him on my first go and we immediately hit if off, now our 3 year anniversary is approaching. Of course, these are very, very rare cases, and when we first hit it off, we can talk about personal, but not too personal things

I think the best thing to do is to lay off the dating apps for a while, it seems like you're going on so many dates, are you trying to find someone for the sake of finding someone? Go to bars or just out with your friends, but don't go with the purpose of trying to find a connection. Maybe if you're not the one making the effort at the start and let someone else notice you, things can work out differently. Maybe by swiping left or right for certain people, you're already vetoing some without getting to know them. If a conversation strikes up while out, go ahead and see what happens. Who knows, there's a chance that the right person you're looking for actually isn't the type of person you would swipe right to on first impressions. Good luck! 🙂

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I'm amazed you are making out with so many women on a first date. I don't even need one hand to count the number of times I've snogged someone on a first date, let alone gone further. 

Do these dates involve alcohol? If so, keep first dates to coffee shops in the daytime and see how that pans out instead. There has to be something about the women you're choosing or where you're going with them that's causing them to get physical then discard you. 

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Never forget the butterfly feeling can be one sided.

 

Maybe don’t get too caught up on the why. 
 

Things you have control over is how quickly you agree to progress intimacy and if getting very intimate and then being told no thank you is a bit of a downer, then there’s benefit to spending more time getting to know someone before you kiss. 
 

You’ve never not kissed on a first date and I don’t think I ever have kissed on a first date. Where there was mutual interest kissing happened in good time.

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8 hours ago, Brand11 said:

The only girls that dont say that and want to move on are ones I'm not crazy about 

Try not coming on so strong. Meet sooner rather than later. Get to know them first.

It's telling that the ones you're not into are the ones who are interested and the ones you're too into (and too forward with) are the ones who say no thanks after one date.

That being said, a lot of OLD is one and done meetings. So you'll have to factor that in as well.

It's not that you can't attract women or get dates it's that you are too forward and selective.

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I know one night stands that developed into marriage, etc but it's rare.  If these women are all ready to make out in private with a stranger and you are up for that sort of thing then both of you are risking the one and done scenario.  And it's also potentially very dangerous when two strangers go to a private home after first meeting.  I'd find people who are interested in properly getting to know you -kissing is totally fine- physical affection -but as part of going on dates and doing fun activities in public and when sober.

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11 hours ago, Brand11 said:

And this only comes from girls that I'm actually into and really like and want to move forward with. The only girls that dont say that and want to move on are ones I'm not crazy about and dont want to move foward.

 

This kinda stucked to me.

Its kinda weird to me that somebody after 250-300 dates cant find anybody to move forward. But it might be a few reasons why.

First of all, you said that most of them are dating apps. Lots of them dont look for relationship. Validation, hookup, that is what lots of those are about. 

Second of all, if you are focusing just on certain stuff like beauty, you would need to know that on dating apps beautiful girls got like 5 of guys like you a day. They go out with you, next day with some other guy etc. Which is fine but you need to understand that its hard to get out on top of all that.

Third of all, and as the extension of second, you are maybe just seen as a "fun guy". Somebody to kiss for one night, have some fun and move on. Maybe they just dont see you as a dating material to move forward. Sorry, but it happens. Also you kinda present yourself in the same way. You spend most of the date kissing. Instead of maybe establishing if you have enough of connection so you can date more.

And fourth of all, and what stuck to me from that passage I quoted, its only certain girls that dont want to move forward, not all of them. Which means that you maybe have a type that you chase unsuccessfully. Which is also fine, you are allowed to like what you like. But as you can see, that type wont maybe want more of the connection after. 

Again, its just something to think about moving forward. Dont think you are doing too much wrong, you are clearly getting dates. But maybe you need a different approach if you see that it doesnt really get you into something more then one night fun.

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You weren't too easy, those girls just wanted a hookup. Waiting for intimacy wouldn't make a difference with that type...the results would be the same anyways. One and done. Maybe they were looking for money that doesn't jingle jingle but folds if you know what I mean. 

Whatever is not working do the opposite. Try what everyone is suggesting and slow it down, see where that takes you. Being cool and aloof can make you more desirable. 

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

This kinda stucked to me.

Its kinda weird to me that somebody after 250-300 dates cant find anybody to move forward. But it might be a few reasons why.

First of all, you said that most of them are dating apps. Lots of them dont look for relationship. Validation, hookup, that is what lots of those are about. 

Second of all, if you are focusing just on certain stuff like beauty, you would need to know that on dating apps beautiful girls got like 5 of guys like you a day. They go out with you, next day with some other guy etc. Which is fine but you need to understand that its hard to get out on top of all that.

Third of all, and as the extension of second, you are maybe just seen as a "fun guy". Somebody to kiss for one night, have some fun and move on. Maybe they just dont see you as a dating material to move forward. Sorry, but it happens. Also you kinda present yourself in the same way. You spend most of the date kissing. Instead of maybe establishing if you have enough of connection so you can date more.

And fourth of all, and what stuck to me from that passage I quoted, its only certain girls that dont want to move forward, not all of them. Which means that you maybe have a type that you chase unsuccessfully. Which is also fine, you are allowed to like what you like. But as you can see, that type wont maybe want more of the connection after. 

Again, its just something to think about moving forward. Dont think you are doing too much wrong, you are clearly getting dates. But maybe you need a different approach if you see that it doesnt really get you into something more then one night fun.

For some reason everyone i go out with says "they dont feel a genuine connection and we dont vibe" literally i could copy and past tons of these text messages.

In actual english language what does that even mean. We talk about eachothers lives, what kinds of things we are into, and then kiss and go home. What special thing are other people doing that they are getting into relationships?

Why does everybody say okay to dates with me, but then nobody continues. Am I supposed to like jump up on the table and do a flip off of it? Like what more can i possibly do. We have a conversation that flows nonstop and never really stops. We have the same interests. There also must be physical attraction that you are jamming your tongue down my throat, she initiated that and i did not. If i dont kiss her then people say i messed up and she got the message i dont want her, then i do kiss her and people say slow down on kissing her. 

 

What are types of women can you tell me what types of women there are? I see them all the same like i dont see any difference, you are who you are. As long as i find you cute, you like similar things as i do, and i like talking to you then that's all you can go off of. Am i supposed to go with someone i dont like is that the trick?

Edited by Brand11
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I don't think you are doing anything wrong—or even, really, that there's some magical formula that will drastically change things. Dating, in a nutshell, is very weird: sometimes wonderfully so, sometimes frustratingly so. When the frustration outweighs the wonder, it's best to take a little break. 

That said, I'm curious: When you guys are chatting, does the question of what you're both looking for ever come up? As in: Do you clearly express that you are interested in a connection that leads to a relationship? Do you hear this from them?

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I don't think you are doing anything wrong—or even, really, that there's some magical formula that will drastically change things. Dating, in a nutshell, is very weird: sometimes wonderfully so, sometimes frustratingly so. When the frustration outweighs the wonder, it's best to take a little break. 

That said, I'm curious: When you guys are chatting, does the question of what you're both looking for ever come up? As in: Do you clearly express that you are interested in a connection that leads to a relationship? Do you hear this from them?

Everyone else i know is with someone and has been with multiple people. Ive never been officially with someone. Yet im told by friends, both guys and girls, that I'm better than they are and they cant even understand why i cant find anyone.

After the date they say "i am looking for a relationship but not with you" we both know ahead of time we both want a relationship 

Edited by Brand11
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What everyone else is doing, and saying, doesn't really matter. Try to remember  that, along with letting go of this whole "better than" idea. That's not great energy to bring into dating.

As an experiment, next time things get to the make out stage, take a step back. Say that you really want to, but that you also really want to wait until next time. Then, there and then, make a plan for the next date in a few days. 

When something isn't working, after all, it's worth trying something new. 

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Posted (edited)

Talk to them for at least a week or two online and by phone (at least once).  Initiate the dates and ask for the first one by phone.  Take them out to lunch or dinner.  Offer to pay.  If they offer to split or pay, decline, and let them grab drinks.  Don't go meet for the first 4 dates in their homes or your home, ever.  Do something fun like a museum, hiking, picnic at the park, see a band (not a movie) so you can stay close to hear eachother or an experience like a cooking class or paddle-boating.

If you kiss on a first date, keep it light, not hot and heavy.

I made out with people all the time; and could care less if I didn't like them to begin with, even if the date was going sour.  Dating happens with the getting to know you period.  Kissing isn't a declaration of anything but a good time.  

Edited by tattoobunnie
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Posted (edited)

I would never talk more than a few times before meeting in person at a public place, briefly.  I also never met anyone in person without a phone call and was able to screen out many people through a 15 minute phone call.

Do not ask the stranger out.  Meet as a first meet, if it goes well, conversation flows, you're feeling maybe there could be a potential spark or there is a spark then ask her out on a date you plan in advance.  Chatting online will result in meeting women who want to date online -not serious minded women - and women who like to sext online then meet for a quickie.  With rare exception.  And it won't tell you a thing about whether there is a connection and likely will build expectations on your end based on irrelevant typing and talking.  

I met over 100 men in person through online dating sites.

Edited by Batya33
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21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would never talk more than a few times before meeting in person at a public place, briefly.  I also never met anyone in person without a phone call and was able to screen out many people through a 15 minute phone call.

Do not ask the stranger out.  Meet as a first meet, if it goes well, conversation flows, you're feeling maybe there could be a potential spark or there is a spark then ask her out on a date you plan in advance.  Chatting online will result in meeting women who want to date online -not serious minded women - and women who like to sext online then meet for a quickie.  With rare exception.  And it won't tell you a thing about whether there is a connection and likely will build expectations on your end based on irrelevant typing and talking.  

I met over 100 men in person through online dating sites.

What i dont get is you say they are just looking for a quickie but they dont even do that lol. We don't even hook up and sleep with eachother so if they're just looking for that then why cant i even at least get that?

We did talk on the phone once and we messaged for like 4 weeks before going out

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44 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Talk to them for at least a week or two online and by phone (at least once).  Initiate the dates and ask for the first one by phone.  Take them out to lunch or dinner.  Offer to pay.  If they offer to split or pay, decline, and let them grab drinks.  Don't go meet for the first 4 dates in their homes or your home, ever.  Do something fun like a museum, hiking, picnic at the park, see a band (not a movie) so you can stay close to hear eachother or an experience like a cooking class or paddle-boating.

If you kiss on a first date, keep it light, not hot and heavy.

I made out with people all the time; and could care less if I didn't like them to begin with, even if the date was going sour.  Dating happens with the getting to know you period.  Kissing isn't a declaration of anything but a good time.  

I always talk to them for about 2 or 3 weeks before going out. Usually a phone call in there. I dont get what makes them so excited to meet me and everything seems great, then we meet and it's like no and it never goes further. 

We never meet at their home, we go out to eat or to a bar or something and then without me even asking they invite me to hang at their place. We never have sex, only kiss.

How could someone think making out is just "fun" like if theres nothing behind it then im not making out with you

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6 minutes ago, Brand11 said:

I always talk to them for about 2 or 3 weeks before going out. Usually a phone call in there.

Huge mistake. After contact, exchange a few messages and then arrange a brief coffee/drink meeting

You can't build rapport through messaging. Texting is NOT dating. It does not fast-track anything to hookups. In fact, it only creates a build up of something in your minds that is then dismantled when you meet.

You're getting dates, but not second dates so logically the first meet is where it stumbles. Skip the 'tongue down your throat' nonsense. Meet in a timely fashion, have a drink/coffee, then ask for another date before leaving.

Never ask someone why if they don't want a second date. Just say 'nice meeting you' and walk away. You're getting way too invested by texting for weeks before meeting.

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39 minutes ago, Brand11 said:

What i dont get is you say they are just looking for a quickie but they dont even do that lol. We don't even hook up and sleep with eachother so if they're just looking for that then why cant i even at least get that?

We did talk on the phone once and we messaged for like 4 weeks before going out

That's way too long. Don't go out -meet in person to see if you should go on a date in the future -get to know the person in person. 

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