“I know you’re Pissed off bc you want to ***”

[Auroracher]

 

Tl;dr my boyfriend of 2.5 years is always ‘too tired’ for sex and it’s making me feel like crap 

My boyfriend and I have only been together 2.5 years, we’re both 25. 

We used to have really great sex and very frequently in the beginning, as you usually do and of course that dwindled a bit but lately it’s been once every two to three weeks and it makes me feel really bad. 

I want to have sex more often and I have spoken to him about it but he gets defensive and I get a lot of, tbf, reasonable excuses coming back “I’m too tired.” “I’ve been working all day.” “I’ve been out the house for 12 hours”. I fully appreciate that he works hard, and I don’t work as many hours because of child care (child from previous relationship) but I just feel like we’re not having that connection and it sucks going from having a lot of sex to virtually nothing - and most of the time lately if we do have sex, it’s not good sex. 

I know I must sound like a whiny *** but surely he can make some time for us to be intimate? Whenever I approach him about it he acts as though it’s weird that I think sex is an important part of our relationship, and maybe I am weird but I don’t feel attractive or wanted. 

He gets into bed and will lay on his phone/game for hours but won’t have sex with me? Like tonight we had a date night, and I made the effort I like look nice and shave all my legs blah blah and gave like little hints and stuff that I wanted to and yes we got back later than expected but he gets into bed and goes on his phone and just ignores me so I turned over and sighed I guess and he as like “oh shut up I know you’re pissed off because you want to ***” like actually yeah I am? 

Sorry I know this probably seems stupid but it’s gettin me down and as I said whenever I try and say something he acts like all I ever think about is sex which isn’t true.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Auroracher said:

  I turned over and sighed I guess and he as like “oh shut up I know you’re pissed off because you want to ***” like actually yeah I am? 

Do you live together? When did the sex drop off?

There's a lot more wrong in this relationship than lack of sex/affection.

You're contemptuous and disrespectful toward each other. There's an obvious lack of communication, connection and attraction.

You seem to have fallen into a boring rut and arguing cycle.

Do either of you have bad habits? Excessive drinking, smoking, poor hygiene, etc?

Is he having affairs? He would rather be on his phone than have sex? 

There's nothing more unattractive than begging for sex, so stop that.

Ask him to sleep on the sofa until you figure out what is really going on rather than the passive aggressive contempt.

Get very busy outside the house. Join some groups, clubs and get involved in sports and fitness. Volunteer, go out with friends and family more.

He's checked out and you know that. You just don't know why.

[Rose Mosse]

It’s not stupid. It’s uncaring and even manipulative the way he knows how you feel and belittles you. Not only is he aware, it seems he anticipates the situation, behaves nonchalantly and completely disregards your feelings or efforts as if it’s one big joke or opportunity to tell you to bug off. A genuine and loving partner would acknowledge you’re feeling frustrated and want to be present with you or be interested in the way you feel. 

Do you both have disagreements about living together or as a couple? This sounds like just the tip of the iceberg and symptoms of larger underlying issues.

[Lambert]

14 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It’s not stupid. It’s uncaring and even manipulative the way he knows how you feel and belittles you. Not only is he aware, it seems he anticipates the situation, behaves nonchalantly and completely disregards your feelings or efforts as if it’s one big joke or opportunity to tell you to bug off. A genuine and loving partner would acknowledge you’re feeling frustrated and want to be present with you or be interested in the way you feel. 

Do you both have disagreements about living together or as a couple? This sounds like just the tip of the iceberg and symptoms of larger underlying issues.

I agree with @Rose Mosse.

Maybe you're not really compatible in the long run.  Sex is part of a healthy happy relationship. And it's not right the way he is treating you.  That is not loving or kind.  You deserve better. 

He may have a problem sexually and he's embarrassed.  That's not an excuse to make you feel bad. 

I would really think about why I am in this relationship.  Sex and intimacy are very important to be.  His behavior is ruining your intimacy (which is more than sex.) It's the safe acceptance of each other. but he'd rather be addicted to his phone than have sex with you. 

I would be mad. And if he's going to treat me like my needs don't matter, then I would end it. Life is too short to pour yourself into supporting another person, to get no support in return. Been there, done that, not doing it again. 

[boltnrun]

A major reason why I divorced my husband was because he no longer wanted sex.

I would approach him and he'd say he was tired, he'd been at work all day, etc. He'd say "I can't PERFORM!!" like I was asking him to juggle or do magic tricks or belt out a showtune.  I even offered to do all the "work" but he'd still turn me down.  He was not having affairs and is not gay.  He just didn't want sex.

And that was a big change because before we got married we went at it sometimes three times a day.  I felt like I'd been the victim of a "bait and switch".  But he told me "married people don't act like that".  Well, thanks for telling me after the wedding.

It never was resolved.  And I never found out the real reason.  I just realized he didn't want sex and was not going to make any efforts.  This spilled over into other aspects of our marriage, until we were basically roommates who happened to have a child together.

I would have a talk while the two of you are not in the bedroom.  Calmly explain that you desire him.  You find him sexy and want to enjoy each other's bodies.  If he comes up with a bunch of excuses or gets defensive, ask him if he's satisfied with your sex life.  If he says yes, you have the tough choice to make of whether you can be happy with someone who seldom will have sex with you.

[smackie9]

He's probably intimate emotionally with someone he games with. So it would be best to just part ways. I feel he's just being a coward to end it and is waiting for you to jump ship.

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, he sounds checked out.

You can't force a person to want what he doesn't want, but you can decide whether at age 25 you'll want to live out your life without sex and affection.