Am i acting crazy? i feel jealous about a guy i've only met once dating other girls

[Brisa]

Hi! So first, i want to explain that i have been talking with this guy since 2-3 months ago. We text everyday and we met about 1 month ago. He lives about 1 hour and 40 minutes away from me so that is the reason it is a little difficult for us to meet more often.

What happens is that i made the mistake of stalking him on instagram and i saw that there is a girl that posted an story with him about 2 weeks ago. I let it go because we are not official or anything but today the same girl posted an story that she is visiting him again and i was supposed to visit him next week but now i am doubting so much. I do not want to get hurt and this girl is visiting him and i know that she does not live near him.

I know that i am overthinking but we do talk everyday and i just feel awful.

 

He keeps saying that he wants to get to know me better, he keeps being so sweet and now i am just really confused.

[anonomousguy12]

Do you speak on the phone often? What's the conversation like? 

I think ask him if he's speaking to anyone else or even what he's looking for - does he want a relationship? 

[Brisa]

1 minute ago, anonomousguy12 said:

Do you speak on the phone often? What's the conversation like? 

I think ask him if he's speaking to anyone else or even what he's looking for - does he want a relationship? 

We do text everyday and just normal things like what we do during the day and things like that.He told me that he wants to get to know me a lot more and that he wants much more than sex. We have not had sex or anything. 

[Tanzi]

Have you asked him about this girl?

[Batya33]

I would say nothing as it's none of your business.  Don't see him again if you are not comfortable with him dating other women (which he is entitled to do and is not obligated to share that information and you are entitled to feel uncomfortable but you two only met once and are not exclusive).  Feelings are feelings -your feelings are valid and I wouldn't react by talking to him about it.

[Brisa]

5 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

Have you asked him about this girl?

No, because i feel like is not my place and he is going to think that i am crazy if i let him know that i know this information because i stalked the other girl

[Andrina]

Why are you entering the most difficult way of dating--long distance? Perhaps he prefers that so he can keep many LDRs going at once without anybody finding out, but he's probably dumb enough to not have considered that social media will ruin his plan.

[Brisa]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would say nothing as it's none of your business.  Don't see him again if you are not comfortable with him dating other women (which he is entitled to do and is not obligated to share that information and you are entitled to feel uncomfortable but you two only met once and are not exclusive).  Feelings are feelings -your feelings are valid and I wouldn't react by talking to him about it.

So do you think that maybe i am overreacting and i should see him next week and maybe see were is this going? Of course, i am not going to tell him about this girl.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Brisa said:

So do you think that maybe i am overreacting and i should see him next week and maybe see were is this going? Of course, i am not going to tell him about this girl.

No.  I think that you're not comfortable with him dating other women and seeing IG posts about it so it sounds like he is not the right person for you.  You see where this is going now. He is dating other women.  You wish he wasn't. I mean if you want before you see him you can ask him what his intentions are towards you in general.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Brisa said:

 i have been talking with this guy since 2-3 months ago. We text everyday and we met about 1 month ago. He lives about 1 hour and 40 minutes .

Sorry this is happening. So many red flags 🚩.

Anyone who contacts you from this distance is a red flag. Anyone who texts this much and can't meet in person sooner is a red flag.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

You're wasting your time talking this much to someone you can't get to know in person..

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local single men for a low-key coffee. 

Do not chase after distance situations or bother with text buddies.

[Andrina]

Before you're exclusive, you have to assume someone might be going on first meets and/or a few dates with multiple people. But that's locally, when a person is getting to gradually know who will be the keeper. When you're speaking of someone coming in from long distance for an extended visit with intensive time together, and likely leading to intimacy, that's a whole different ball game, and a dealbreaker for most with standards other than having a FWB.

Simply tell him you've decided an LDR is not for you and then block and delete. 

[smackie9]

Well now you know this guy is a multi dater. may the best girl win!

[catfeeder]

Unfortunately, you've chosen to learn the hard way exactly what stalking a new guy buys you--nothing but anxiety about information that you can't question without coming off as a creepy stalker.

So why not just quit doing that? Assume that people you don't know very well will be meeting others as well as you. Don't dwell on that, it won't serve you well. Have you noticed?

Use your talks to clarify that you are dating to find a good match for a long term relationship, and ASK to learn whether the guy considers himself to be relationship material also.

Anything short of a 'yes' to that, such as 'I don't know,' or wanting to be 'casual,' means that he's not a good investment of your time--and if you try to convert him into relationship material, you'll likely end up feeling used and break your own heart.

So find out whether this guy's goals for dating align with your own. If so, set up another date with him to keep learning more about him (Uhm...instead of stalking him.) 

[Batya33]

On 2/24/2022 at 10:31 AM, smackie9 said:

Well now you know this guy is a multi dater. may the best girl win!

In my opinion as he should be and as she should be when there's no exclusivity yet - it's not about winning I would hope but finding the right person and doing so by not putting all eggs in one basket. 

He didn't tell her they were exclusive so it's none of her business whether he's dating or looking to date other women.  I almost never became exclusive right away especially with a stranger and if a man I recently met pried into what my plans were for the weekend I was vague whether I had a date or not.  One man I had one date with (met him at a party) saw me dancing with another guy a week later (normal dancing -it was a platonic friend, actually) -which he then told me made him so upset he went out and got drunk.  Our second date where he told me this was our last (this was pre-social media/online stalking).  

I never met a man who wasn't looking for marriage and family, never went out again if he said something silly like "friends first" or "casual but for the right person I'd reconsider" and I didn't have casual sex so if we'd gone out only a handful of times I assumed both of us were keeping our options open - assumed, so I didn't need to confirm.  One time after 3 months of dating I saw that he was active online (I checked - just like the OP -but this had been 3 months- no we weren't having actual sex).  That triggered a conversation about his intentions where he said he wasn't quite ready. I internally gave it another month. 

After a few weeks he (probably deliberately) showed me a huge red flag about him (which luckily was not directed to me at all) and I ended it.  He was reluctant to end it but I could tell he also was ok with it.  He was looking for serious and a few years later he got married.  I just wasn't his person and based on that red flag he absolutely was not mine.

I think it's fine if people express up front they're not ok with the person they're meeting for the first time -or who they've had a couple of dates with - also continuing to look to date - and then they proceed in a way that makes sense.  But posing it in some negative way as if it's "who wins" just doesn't make sense to me.

 

[smackie9]

I was being facetious. Peoples exceptions on this subject are a little high.

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I was being facetious. Peoples exceptions on this subject are a little high.

Yes -didn't come across in typing. I know others who call it "multidating" with a negative connotation.  Sometimes it deserves a negative connotation for sure.