anonomousguy12

I needed to hear this, thank you. I have significantly cut down my drinking since and spending time with myself

Thank you, yes i'm going to spend some time figuring out myself more and spend more time with myself. I just felt guilty because: I had a gut feeling at the start that a relationship wasn't right for me but everyone kept saying that with the right person, you can grow. I gave it my best shot and tried but it wasn't making me a better person. I just think I could have made the choice to leave earlier but I held back because of personal insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. Edit: Or maybe I can only say this now looking back at it and going through this.

I know I have things to work on myself - this goes without saying. But I don't have an anger issue, I think her reactions and responses to conversation were irrational it made it really hard for me to manage my emotions, feelings and reactions. To give you an example, I calmy tried to explain to her that I think we're pulling each-other in different directions and want different things and I think we would hurt each other more if we stayed in this. She ended up getting drunk because she felt like I was abandoning her and then she started hitting herself and saying that she wants a guy that's more understand of her relationship with her sister than me. Btw I didn't drink this day at all because I wanted a clear head. It became difficult to engage in mature conversation and I think the previous two months of chaos took a toll on me towards the end - hence the thread and my reaction.

Have you spoken to him about your frustration sexually or his lack of effort? What was his response?

I broke up with my ex back in Feb and for the most part I’ve been okay but over the last few days I’ve retrospectively looked back at everything that happened and I feel guilty. We started talking last June and it was a weird relationship she had a co-dependency with her controlling sister (who happened to be dating my second cousin). We did things together as a 4 mostly so me and this girl only had evenings alone or time on the phone. We got really close but I feel like through the relationship it was me compromising and mostly doing what her sister wanted (because she didn’t have a say). I knew she had a hard upbringing and I could see why there would be some dependency with her sister especially since they recently re-located country. But this was quite extra. We then started arguing a lot through December, Jan and there were points in December she threatened to end her life because of arguments with her sister - she wouldn’t have done but it worried me a lot and put a lot of strain on my mental health. In Jan, I tried to push her to get psychological help but she didn’t seem interested. She later said she didn’t because she was being selfish and couldn’t face the burden of talking about it while she was busy with work. I ended the relationship in Feb with her after the arguments got too much for me. I felt like I was carrying a lot of her baggage and trying to hold it together and I couldn’t do it anymore. Through the relationship, I always said I wanted more dates night and wanted to be able to one day move out with her and live independent lives. It didn’t really seem like she was pushing towards this with her sister because of fear of reaction. When I ended it, I said it was mostly because of the uncertainty of the future and I had no reassurance of security along with this weight I was carrying for her. She is an incredible person and has a genuine nature. I know that she cared about me and that it was just her personality to ignore serious situations and hope they work out. Unfortunately I couldn’t hold her through this on the basis it could work out so I ended it. I feel guilty because in retrospect, maybe I personally wasn’t ready for a relationship and I unintentionally led this person on and went along with it because I was enjoying the company. It was insecurity and ‘society’ keeping me in a relationship that wasn’t right. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can work through this feeling of guilt and hurting someone else

Do you speak on the phone often? What's the conversation like? I think ask him if he's speaking to anyone else or even what he's looking for - does he want a relationship?

Hey Everyone, Bit of background I’ve been in a relationship now for around 8 months and it’s been really tricky to navigate. There’s a lot I’m trying to figure out about myself and I really want to understand ‘normal’ ways of dealing with conflict. I want to start with an example from the other day. We went to a concert with her sister and her sisters boyfriend. I met the sisters boyfriend before and we had a few drinks until my girlfriend arrived. When she arrived she tried to direct me but made a comment that was quite rude in the heat of the moment - ‘stop f*cucking talking to fast and direct me’. When she got to the bar she asked if I was drunk and I said,’Yes, I’m not drunk I’m tipsy I’ve had two pints’. And she got really annoyed at the fact I was tipsy and started sulking. When talking to her sister, I looked at her body language being closed and I made a childish comment saying ‘sorry I’m talking to fast’. I then told her that I was sorry for the comment I made but also it made me feel bad when she swore at me. She then replied saying she was joking when, in my opinion, it was frustration because she was late. Before we got the concert, I said, ‘are you sure you want me to come, I really don’t want this night to escalate into an argument’. We tried to talk it through on way to the stadium but there were things we didn’t see eye to eye on. Before we sat down, I went to get another drink and say on the spare seat on the other side for a few minutes. I then went to sit next to her and apologised. I said I’m sorry if I was overly sensitive to a comment you made earlier and if I didn’t deal with this as maturely as I could have. I’m love you and I’m really sorry. Her sister doesn’t know we say ‘I love you yet’. It honestly makes me feel like she’s embarrassed of feeling that way about me. The rest of the concert she still said ‘we’re okay for now but there are things we need to discuss tomorrow’. I then replied ‘no can we discuss them now, I don’t want to be here and built it up if we’re going to discus them tomorrow’. She said no and the whole concert I was trying to make so much effort to talk to her. She would reply one word responses and she would make conversation with her sister. The situation overall was tense. I couldn’t leave because she would say that ‘I’ve left her alone’. I felt really isolated because she wanted me to sit next to her and she didn’t want to talk to me. So I kept going to the bar during every interval to get a drink. At the end of it, I was writing my feelings down on my iPhone notes so I could review how I felt the next day and she then asks ‘whoa re you messaging’. So I say ‘no-one but it’s funny that now you want to speak to me and care about me’. At this point I’m drunk. When we left I said to everyone, please go ahead I want to go to a bar and have a drink alone. My girlfriends sisters boyfriend comes and says let’s drop the girls to a cab and we’ll go for a drink after. I get to the cab stop, really awkward with my girlfriend. And now her sister starts telling me that my drinking is unacceptable and that it’s not a way to deal with my emotions. I felt fairly defenceless and worthless at this point and I lost it at my girlfriend and told her that I’m fed up of this relationship and want to end it. I even said that she has no emotional availability for anyone but her sister. On reflection, it’s clear to see how both sides were immature and my response at the end was dramatised. But my girlfriend is now saying that she is upset with how I just dropped and dismissed her the other night. But I want to know how ‘normal’ couples would deal with situations like this. I feel like I have this idealist view of being able to compromise one small things like this. Is it normal to be off with someone for so many hours for something so small? (I found out the day after, she was listing things I was doing wrong after I apologised). When someone does ignore me, how do I deal with it? (I think this goes back to an insecurity of how I’ve been treated when I was younger) How do couples usually deal with things they don’t disagree on? We usually argue for a minimum of 1/2 days - it’s rare we can ever deal with arguments quickly. There are so many times where she would be ‘grumpy’ at me for hours or days and then brush it off as it nothing happened. Did her sister have a right to say anything to me? Bearing in mind, I couldn’t tell her half of my feelings because of the secrets between them Just some other background on the relationship: We’ve been talking exclusively for 6 months and officially dating for 2 months. We’ve only been on 5 dates alone together because of the dynamic with her and her sister it’s mainly us double dating (she doesn’t really go out much without her sister but also can’t really open up to her sister). I feel like I do a lot for her and I do it with love. She does appreciate it but I don't feel like I get much back. It's not calculative and I don't hold it against her but I do care for her.