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She left me to go back to her wife.

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Good morning, 

I know the title seems a bit self explanatory and I shouldn't have been messing with a married woman to begin with. Please just let me explain before you rip me a new one. I meet this couple off of tik tok and they were looking for a unicorn to add to their marriage. I had been wanting to try out a poly relationship to begin with and thought I would like the circumstances of this. Well I started talking to them for frequently and I realized I wasn't really into the situation like I thought I would be. I realized I only wanted to be with one person. I was getting into a lot of arguments with one of the wives because she would say really off the wall things, but in the mean time I had fallen completely in love with the other wife. She was kind, loving, compassionate, understanding, etc. I asked her out and we started this secret relationship. I wanted her to tell her spouse because it wasn't fair for us to go behind her back and be this cruel. She didn't want to tell her because she didn't have anywhere to go at the time and also wasn't working and had a child as well. She asked me to play along and I did, until they went on vacation to Florida. I told her that if she didn't tell her wife I was going to. Well she ended up telling her wife and they got into a HUGE fight. My "Girlfriend" at the time ended up punching a hole in the wall and her wife was sharping knives threatening to stab her. They ended up going back home and my "Girlfriend" started packing all her stuff and moved to her dad's house because I wasn't ready for them to move in with me. I had just given up my apartment and moved in with my mom to save money because I wanted to buy a house.

I ended up going to visit her and it was a really fun time. However, her wife came to pick her up from the hotel because it was her daughters birthday and I had a bad feeling about it, so I told her to go back home. She told me she didn't want to and we would talk about it when she got back. She came back and told me that her kids were begging for her to come home and so was her wife. She ended up leaving me at the hotel and then about 2 hours later showed back up. Then she left again after I told her too, the next morning I texted her and told her to make sure she cancelled her flight so she could get the ticket credit. She told me she was on her way to the airport.  

Long story short the whole time she was living with me we were fighting about the fact she was still in constant contact with her wife. Her wife was always guilt tripping her and talking bad about me. This was warranted as I know that I should have just walked away from the very start. However, I truly felt in my heart that this was my soulmate. Even though she left me in the most horrendous way I still feel that way. My feelings are hurt really badly and I'm having a hard time coping with the loss. I just don't understand why she would go back to a woman who constantly wanted to be with other people, who belittled her, and put her through basic hell. I know I will never understand and this is probably my karma. I just know that I loved her with all my heart and then some. Everyday I woke up I picked her and continued to pick her and never needed anyone else. It sucks knowing that she will never miss me and that she's happy and I have to pick up the broken pieces, but again I did this to myself. 

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No harsh words because this is more of a really painful lesson learned than anything else.

One thing I've noticed about couples, especially long term/married couples is that no matter how opposite the two people seem to be, they are guaranteed to share some traits that bond them together.

On that note, while you are focused on how kind, sweet, etc, she is, consider also that she had no problem cheating on her wife with you, jerking both of you (and her child) around, and also using and leading you on as was convenient for her. These are not the behaviors of a nice human being. In fact, consider that her wife is actually angry and disturbed for a reason - your "gf's" behavior being that reason. It's just the side of her you haven't felt personally....yet....and are being a bit blind to as well. She may seem charming, but underneath that charm lives a cruel individual.

In other words, I think you dodged a bullet here and should stay far far away from the both of them. Recommend that you cut all contact, block, delete, avoid them at all costs. Yes it hurts, but it will hurt less this way.

Also, sit with yourself for a moment and think long and hard what drove you to such a low place? Experimenting with poly is fine. Realizing it's not for you is fine. Pursuing someone who is married and trying to break up a family? Not fine and never ends well. Even if you did get what you want, would you ever be able to trust her? Brutally honest answer is no. How you got them is how you'll lose them. Also, trying to put her on this grand pedestal when she has clay feet - not fine. Got to get those goggles off and see her for who she is. This isn't about Karma, so much as why so low standards?

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I wasn't trying to break up their marriage. My "Girlfriend" told me she was so unhappy in her marriage because of all the things she went through with her wife. I told them they needed to fix their marriage, but she insisted that she didn't want to. I never wanted the kids to suffer or her wife to suffer. I never wanted to be the bad guy or anything. I thought I was following my heart and had actually met the love of my life. Everything was so different with her, something I had never felt before. I know it was a very poor choice and I'm learning so many things about myself because of it. I just want to pain to stop hurting and I want to stop asking myself why does she get to be so happy, and I have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. 

She knew about all the things I had already gone through in my past relationships and still ended up hurting me just as bad. So many times I told her to go back to her family and try to figure it out, and so many times she refused. I took her seriously because she moved in with me. I took it seriously because what type of person moves across the world if they want their marriage. I know that I am worth all the love and kindness in this world. I try so hard to be loving, supportive, and respectful. I made a mistake, one I wish I could rectify. I really wish this wasn't my reality at the moment.

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Here is the thing - telling her this and that doesn't count. The only thing to say in a situation like this is "when you are free and single and have sorted out your life, feel free to contact me and we can see how it goes. However until you are free, single, and ready to date again, I am going to respectfully step aside and wish you well."

Anything less than that and yes, you were very much trying to break up a marriage. I'm not trying to be harsh to you. I'm trying to open your eyes to reality without sugar coating. When you know someone is married/in a relationship and you choose to engage with them anyway, you are actively participating. As for what she claims about her marriage - you really fell for the oldest lie in the book. "My marriage is horrible, it's about to end, my wife is abusive/refuses sex/doesn't love me." said every cheater ever. Think on it - you wouldn't jump all in if she had told you that she loves her wife just fine and just wants to eff around for a bit and get her jollies off. She preyed on your empathetic nature and told you a sob story that would trigger you into jumping in to "save" her and to compete with her wife for her attention. Yes, it's a set up to get destroyed for you...and her wife. The object of your misplaced love gets her ego stroked both ways.

17 minutes ago, Dturner78 said:

She knew about all the things I had already gone through in my past relationships

Maybe it's time for you to figure out what draws you to toxic people. Make no mistake this woman is as toxic as they come. 

Anyway, there is no way around pain but forward. Feel it and then try to shift your focus onto other things. Work, exercise, get out with friends. Get busy. Have your moments, but then shift your focus again. With time, the pain will go away. Still....when you are ready, you do need figure out what draws you to toxic people so you stop repeating this pattern.

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49 minutes ago, Dturner78 said:

I never wanted the kids to suffer or her wife to suffer. I never wanted to be the bad guy or anything.

This is like saying, "I don't want to burn the house down" while dumping gasoline near a burning match. You didn't do a lot to prevent the needless suffering of her wife or kids, in other words. And you could have. You could have said no and refused to participate in behaviour that served to hurt others. But you were an active participant in hurtful behaviour. 

51 minutes ago, Dturner78 said:

what type of person moves across the world if they want their marriage

The same type of unstable and impulsive person who punches holes in walls. 

Unforuantely, you have learned a tough lesson here. The silver lining? You have dodged a huge bullet. This woman sounds like one hell of a trainwreck. 

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I would explore more what drawn you to so much unhealthy relationship in the first place. That was always a disaster waiting to happen. You were just somebody to amplify that overall drama they create until they kiss and make up. And you should have just leave, not indulge one of them with some kind of relatinship. Stay away from messy situations like that. You may thought of yourself as "safeline" for one of them. But you were no more then a pawn there. They are the same, they deserve each other. Its you who you should take care for. By avoiding situations like that. Next time when you see messy situation, run. Dont play some kind of hero thinking "how you will save her from the clutches of some evil ex" or whatever. Again, you were uneccessery in their relationship dynamic and you should have stay clear.

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Give yourself a week or two to shake this off. I think you already know you can do better. No matter what someone says about their spouse or partner, don’t get involved. All the complaining doesn’t change the fact that they share a home or a life or children with one another. She has a lot to sort out if she does ever plan on leaving her spouse. 

You mentioned wanting to try a poly relationship. This wasn’t the one to step into. It’s dysfunctional to start with lies, cheating and violent temper. Widen your search outside of Tik Tok if you’re searching for something like this and be more discerning about the company. 


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