Need help regarding the girl[25] I[M28] love and a whole mess - including a love triangle (long post sorry)

[Rando_23q12]

I am going to tell you my story (sorry but it`s really long):

I met this girl on tinder right before the pandemics. We couldn't meet because of covid-19 and she works as a nurse, so those were also pretty heavy months for her. Still we talked everyday. Through this entire time I was still healing from a very abusive relationship. So, when she said that she liked me (without even meeting each other) I was truly hesitant. When she noticed that, she said she needed some time apart, which I gave to her. After a few weeks she started texting to me again as if nothing ever happened. The only time we talked about our relationship I said that I needed to take things really slowly. We still texted each other daily for months and I felt a true connection between us, but I was still hesitant and thought that she might try to rush things. Still, in 2020, when the covid situation in my county loosened up a bit, I went twice on a date with her, and it was really great. After that we got closer and closer. But because of my financial situation I had to return to my parents house, in another city. Before that, we slept together for two nights and it was really sweet. That happened in november 2020. In December I was not doing great with my family, I gave her an answer that she didn't really like and she decided to take some time apart only to start talking to me again by the end of the month. After that time apart, I got more hesitant, as this was something that my ex used to do to try to control me. But we kept texting each other almost daily. And in February she had started taking another shift in another hospital so it was harder for us to talk. But still, a few months into 2021 and we got closer and closer in our texts

We started flirting again in texts and I was starting to see a day for me to go to her city to hang out with her. But by July my mother was diagnosed with leukemia and I started to have terrible anxiety attacks. On a day in which I was having one of those anxiety attacks she decided to ask me what she was for me and what were my expectations. I couldn't think straight and told her that I saw her as a friend and I had no idea about any expectations. That was my biggest mistake because she started dating another guy who was after her and there was nothing I could do. So I decided to accept my mistake even though I felt jealous but my anxiety only got worse with time and to make things even worse, that guy made her feel anxious and she was using me as an emotional support. After a month or so I decided that I had enough and told her how I felt. She was hesitant at first ("I asked you how you saw me and you never said anything!") but with time we talked more and more about our feelings and she dumped that guy for me.

Anyways, after I took my vaccines (in September), I went to visit her and it was amazing. I was starting to be able to talk more about what I felt regarding her (it is still hard for me to talk about feelings in general) and I tried to show how much I cared about her as much as I could. The following week we spent talking about how amazing it was, started making plans and so fourth until she watched a show with a bipolar girl. That triggered her and she told me that from time to time it is really hard for her to do stuff as she gets really depressed (she calls these moments "inertia') and that she knew that my ex used her depression to manipulate me and she didn't want that for me again. I made her promise to look for help, and told her that I missed having her with me, that I wanted to hug her and that I would be by her side. Still, she got colder and colder until one day I asked her what was up and she said that I didn't really like her, that I was mostly likely dating other people, that I made her dump that guy that wanted something with her and never made my intentions clear and so on. I tried to talk to her saying that I really liked her, that I want something serious etc but it was no use. Then she said that she wanted some time apart, that we should move on and live our lives but when I moved back to her city to look for her. We promised to each other that if I needed her or she needed me we would ask each other for help. And we spent 2 months barely talking, from time to time I'd ask her how she was doing and she'd do the same for me. she even sent me a sweet birthday text. At the same time my personal life got messier and my anxiety attacks worse. In December, my manager told me that I was supposed to return to the office by the first trimester of 2022. So I decided to text her about it.

But on the same day I was going to send her a text she posted a picture on instagram of what looked like a romantic date. So my anxiety kicks in and asks her if she was dating someone. She texts me back quite angrily saying that no, she was not dating, only hanging out with a guy so they get to know each other better and that I really never liked her and that I was only 'fixated' on her and that I should let her go. I said that was not true but after some texts I saw that there was no use. Two days later I sent her a text saying that I shouldn't have started that conversation like that and that I was going to move back to her city. After that we started texting each other daily once again. On xmas she sends me a picture of her in a dress and I make a flirty joke, which she didn't reply, so on the next day I asked her if she was still hanging out with that guy and if she felt uncomfortable with my flirty joke., she replied saying that I was 'clearly fixated on her' and that had to stop. I said that no, I wasn't and I only wanted to know if she felt uncomfortable. Some time later she texted me saying that she didn't feel romantically involved with me anymore but wanted me as a friend. I got hesitant because I felt really bad, but at the same time she wasn't feeling great. So I decided to be her friend and help her as much as a could until she got better. Of course that goes wrong! There was one day that she felt this 'inertia" and I asked her if she wanted to talk to me. She said that we could talk to her but didn't want me to lose my time. I asked her what she meant and she said that I could get things confused. I was anxious and got angry and said that I was only worried about her, but we clearly have to sort things out and that we should talk. She agreed but said that she couldn't do that on the next day.

The following week only made me feel more anxious as she was barely answering my texts (and they were only normal stuff, nothing emotional or making pressure) until one day she said that she wanted to have that talk. I told her how I felt, that I truly like her, that the way she was saying that I didn't really hurt me but that I think that we could work out if we had better communication about our insecurities etc. She replied saying that "yeah, we could have worked out" but when I was hesitant when she first declared herself to me she lost a bit of respect. That things didn't work out with that guy she was hanging out but the other one, the one she was dating on july, came back for her and different from me, he knew that he wanted something serious with her from the beginning and that she didn't want to hurt him again (she also said that I had manipulated her so she would dump him - that's a lie). But she valued my friendship and she trusts me more than anything. The conversation ended a bit after that. I spent some day ruminating on what happened, I sent her a random text (which she took 3 days to reply) and I decided that this whole thing wasn't good for me and my anxiety. So I sent her the most neutral text possible saying that she knows how I feel and I know she feels and that right now might not be the best time for us to stay as a friend, that I needed some time. She replied with a "ok" but some hours later she sent me a huge text where she says that she is disappointed with me, that she thought I valued her and our friendship and if I needed her help I could ask but that I shouldn't because she doesn't want to be close to me anymore.

As a reply text saying that I loved her(first time I said that) but we've hurt each other and now she's happy with this other guy. That if she needs me I will help her but I need some time for myself and that we should use this time to process everything that happened before ever talking again.

Less than two weeks later, she texted me at night asking me if I was awake. I replied and she asked how I was doing. After my answer she wrote 'Nice! That's all I wanted to know'. I got a bit angry because I asked her for no contact and she didn't respect that, so I wrote her asking her to stop texting me unless it's something important, that I truly cared about her but I needed that time for myself. Then she answered me saying that 'it's better for her to delete my number, because she cares about me and for her it is important to see how I am doing.'.

After that I texted her saying that this whole thing is unhealthy, that it really needs to stop and I didn`t want to discuss it. At midnight she calls me, asking what I meant, tried to explain herself. But then we started talking about other subjects, she told me that her life was way too chaotic, that`s wasn't quite happy. After other subjects she also told me that I had always helped her, now I`m not there anymore, I asked her what I could do and she said that she wanted me to go to her city someday to talk and eat something. The conversation lasted for 1:30h.

Two days later(yesterday) I asked her how she was doing and she could talk to me if she wanted and she said that she was now serious with that guy. After some time I told her that she knows how I feel about her and that she can't have us both (him as a bf and me as emotional support), that I am emotionally drained by all this and that it's better for us to stop talking for good.

So, what should I do now? Do I have any chance left? What can I do to fix this whole mess? Who's the rebound in this story, me or the other guy?

TL;DR: I used to date a girl that liked me a lot but because of past relationship I wasn't ready to commit. By the time I was ready she was dating another guy, after some time as a emotional support I told her how I felt and she broke up with that guy. She got triggered by a tv show and decided to take some time apart from me. We changed some texts during two months and started texting each other more in december. I noticed she got gradually hostile towards me (saying that I didn't care about her and so fourth), a month ago she told me she doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore and she got back with the other guy but wanted me as a friend. I asked her for a NC time, she didn't really respected and yesterday she told me that she's serious with her. I want her back but I don't know what to do or if it's even healthy.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Rando_23q12 said:

yesterday I asked her how she was doing and she could talk to me if she wanted and she said that she was now serious with that guy.

Sorry this happened. She has too many issues. Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

It's the only way to move forward in peace without all her drama.

[Kwothe28]

Is there something to fix? You both have come back and forth like a yo-yo toy and never got serious about each other. You even more then her lol. Usually when it doesnt start properly it never develops properly. Relationships reqire both of you there to be succesful. You cant play hot/cold. With her issues and your issues, you are way better apart. 

[DancingFool]

OP, you jumped into trying to date before you healed from an abusive relationship and took some time out to actually sort yourself out and fix your picker.

Unfortunately, the result was predictable - you latched on to yet another person who is unstable, blows hot and cold, disappears when she hears something she doesn't like, etc. You quite literally went straight back to what's familiar - lots of instability, on/off, up/down roller coaster ride.

Do yourself a huge favor - stop talking to this woman forever. If she keeps contacting you, block her.

Step way back from dating for a good while. Work on yourself - deal with your work and financial situation, get help with your anxiety, maybe join some support groups for family members of leukemia patients. Get yourself and your life in order.

Also, figure out why messed up people attract you and why hot/cold relationships (romantic or friendship) attract you. That's not healthy and something you need to address within yourself. Make a concrete decision to step off the roller coaster ride for good. 

In order to have healthy relationships, you have to become healthy yourself and fix your picker so you don't keep choosing toxic people.

[Rando_23q12]

Thanks for the answers!

Especially to DancingFool for the insights!
 

21 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Step way back from dating for a good while. Work on yourself - deal with your work and financial situation, get help with your anxiety, maybe join some support groups for family members of leukemia patients. Get yourself and your life in order.

Yeah, I had a big panic attack on November a bit before my birthday, since them I've been 'fixing' some parts of my life. I got a promotion at work, my financial situation is way better now (and I'm gonna move from my parent's house next month). My mother luckily has a really low degree of leukemia, but still I convinced her to go to psycotherapy. I went back to therapy as well and went to a psychtrist to help me even more. I'm still on my first week taking the anxiety medication (which is really tough). One of the last few things that I'm trying to sort out is that relationship with this girl.

For some reason I was already thinking that the better thing to do is to let all this go, even tough I love her.

And yeah, I have to fix this goddamn picker!

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, Rando_23q12 said:

Thanks for the answers!

Especially to DancingFool for the insights!
 

Yeah, I had a big panic attack on November a bit before my birthday, since them I've been 'fixing' some parts of my life. I got a promotion at work, my financial situation is way better now (and I'm gonna move from my parent's house next month). My mother luckily has a really low degree of leukemia, but still I convinced her to go to psycotherapy. I went back to therapy as well and went to a psychtrist to help me even more. I'm still on my first week taking the anxiety medication (which is really tough). One of the last few things that I'm trying to sort out is that relationship with this girl.

For some reason I was already thinking that the better thing to do is to let all this go, even tough I love her.

And yeah, I have to fix this goddamn picker!

Sounds like you are making great progress and taking some excellent steps forward.

Do keep in mind though, that abusive relationships are twofold. One is they do quite a number on people psychologically and emotionally and leave lasting scars that need to be addressed. Two is that abusive people do know how to pick those who will put up with the abuse and that's something that also needs fixing.

My point is that it may be well worth your while to find a therapist who specializes in treating trauma/abuse victims so that you have someone who can help you identify and fix those issues. You might have to look around and try a few because not everyone is well versed, and not everyone's style and approach is going to click with you.

Wish you well and I know you got this!

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Rando_23q12 said:

But on the same day I was going to send her a text she posted a picture on instagram of what looked like a romantic date. 'So my anxiety kicks in and asks her if she was dating someone.'   She texts me back quite angrily saying that no, she was not dating, only hanging out with a guy so they get to know each other better and that I really never liked her and that I was only 'fixated' on her and that I should let her go''. I said that was not true but after some texts I saw that there was no use. Two days later I sent her a text saying that I shouldn't have started that conversation like that and that I was going to move back to her city. After that we started texting each other daily once again. On xmas she sends me a picture of her in a dress and I make a flirty joke, which she didn't reply, so on the next day I asked her if she was still hanging out with that guy and if she felt uncomfortable with my flirty joke., she replied saying that I was 'clearly fixated on her' and that had to stop. I said that no, I wasn't and I only wanted to know if she felt uncomfortable. Some time later she texted me saying that she didn't feel romantically involved with me anymore but wanted me as a friend. I got hesitant because I felt really bad, but at the same time she wasn't feeling great. So I decided to be her friend and help her as much as a could until she got better. Of course that goes wrong!

Yup, a whole lot of mess 😕 .. Because she was your weakness.

 

3 hours ago, Rando_23q12 said:

As a reply text saying that I loved her(first time I said that) but we've hurt each other and now she's happy with this other guy. That if she needs me I will help her but I need some time for myself and that we should use this time to process everything that happened before ever talking again.

Yeah, do that!  Instead keep away, stay away and yes, focus on everything that you've experienced with her.  You've gotten lost in this... with her.

 

3 hours ago, Rando_23q12 said:

After that I texted her saying that this whole thing is unhealthy, that it really needs to stop and I didn`t want to discuss it. At midnight she calls me, asking what I meant, tried to explain herself. But then we started talking about other subjects, she told me that her life was way too chaotic, that`s wasn't quite happy. After other subjects she also told me that I had always helped her, now I`m not there anymore,

Darn right it needs to stop!  This whole thing is messed up.. time after time after time... Head games, guilt trips, manipulation.. Is all damaging.  She's damaging.  ( neither one of you are too stable with all of this drama) 😕 .

 

3 hours ago, Rando_23q12 said:

After some time I told her that she knows how I feel about her and that she can't have us both (him as a bf and me as emotional support), that I am emotionally drained by all this and that it's better for us to stop talking for good.

Right- stop talking for good!  Now do that....

She knows a million times over you 'have feelings'.  And I wouldn't say anyone's a rebound.. because it sounds like she is so lost she's not able to truly be 'close' to anyone, acting like this!

 

Seriously, this is not healthy for anyone involved.  As you admitted it's emotionally draining, so you know.

For your own mentality, you need to totally rid of this woman.  You need to walk away, totally.  Stop the mind games & being led on and expect anything with her.. or anyone like her.

Just Be Done.  Move on.  Get to working on your own mental health ... cause this is too much 😕 .

Learn what 'toxic' is.

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Rando_23q12 said:

I used to date a girl

Did you, though?

Because as far as I can tell, this never really reached the point of "dating." You met a few times but it was mostly a lot of back-and-forth by phone and not really dating at all. As such, she isn't rebounding. She's simply with someone else now. 

Since this never got off the ground to begin with, I would let it all go - including her. She has moved on  and it doesn't appear you two have enough of a connection to have really made this work anyway. You were filling voids in each other's lives, but not in healthy ways that could support a relationship.