Wondering if the world would be better off without me.

[Cynder]

My Mom was a teenager having an affair with a married man in his late 20s.  Apparently they both were too stupid to use protection and thus I was brought into the world.  I heard multiple times all throughout my childhood how I ruined both of their lives and how I was just an accident.  There are older members of my family who have hated me all my life simply because of how I was conceived/born.  Like really?  This isn't the 50s.  I've never understood why people blame the kid in that situation.  The kid wasn't the one screwing someone they shouldn't have been screwing. 

I've had people tell me I should write a book because my life has been like a soap opera.  I was born with a congenital birth defect that affects my life on a daily basis and has seriously limited my employment and social opportunities.  Yea, I know a lot of people have disabilities.  But that doesn't make it easier to live with one.  And I also know people have it worse than I do.  Again though, that doesn't make my situation easier. 

Throughout my life I have encountered multiple people who think I am literally evil.  My great grandma thought this and went on this long tangent about how much she hates me while I was in the room once.  She didn't realize I was standing right there in ear shot.  She thought I went outside.  I dated a guy who was the grandson of a preacher.  He used that to fuel his superiority complex all the time and he became convinced I have demons all around me and toward the end of our time knowing each other he was even sure I was actually a demon.  I am a creative person.  I write a lot and I was in art school when I dated him.  He swore he could see demons in all of my artwork.  He said the characters in my stories were demons.  He actually thought that I just had this legion of demons following me around all the time and that they were trying to get to him and his family.  (Spoiler... he was just nuts.) 

But aside from that.  I've had new agey types tell me I have a black aura.  One even said a black aura either means a person is going to die soon or they should have never been born at all.  Some palm reader grabbed my hand once without even asking and proceeded to tell me there was some weird thing about my palm print that signified being "born of darkness."  I happened to be born 13 days after Halloween, too.  And I had someone tell me once that my birthday is an evil day. 

My ex husband killed himself 5 years after we split up.  We were friends.  I was one of the last people he talked to.  Well, who do you think a lot of people blamed?  His family and a few others think it was my fault.  He didn't leave note, so I guess they need to scapegoat someone.  (Personally I don't think his death was a suicide.  I think it was an accident that his family is covering up, but that's another story.) 

As a kid I was molested for years by an older family member.  When I told my Mom, well I was just a liar and I'm just trying to destroy our family and ruin an innocent man's life because I'm just a terrible person.  (I was an adolescent at the time.)  Well, years later when my sister (The family favorite) came out and said she was molested by the same person, all of a sudden my whole family wants to kill him.  My Mom literally had to be physically restrained because she was going to go to his house and murder him.  Then all of a sudden they always knew I was telling the truth.  They are so sorry, etc.  BS.  At one point my Mom even tried to blame me for what happened to my sister because I didn't try harder to make them believe me.  Once again... I was just a kid.  It's just easier to blame me than admit she was a crappy parent I guess. 

Then... In 2016 I had what was pretty much a near death experience.  After that I started looking at things a lot differently and started using all this as raw material for my creativity.  And things started getting a lot better.  And then when I met my most recent ex my life was better than it ever had been.  Like, wow.  Finally my art career is off the ground.  My business is doing well.  I own a home.  And now I have this amazing woman.  Well, back in August she had a pretty severe mental episode and disappeared on me.  And since then it's just been one bad thing after another.  Since she left I've had health problems.  I've lost two jobs.  I had a long time friend go completely psycho on me.  I've had pets die.  It's like... how much can one person handle?  My ex and I are talking again now, so at least there is that.  There is some hope for repairing that relationship down the line.  She really is the love of my life.  And unfortunately she has had a lot of these experiences too and that was one way we bonded. 

So now here I am just trying to get through the day.  I am trying so hard to take care of myself and be the best version of myself possible.  I meditate every day.  I haven't missed a workout in a while.  (I currently work in a health club, so I really have no excuse to miss a workout, ever.)  I've been eating healthy.  I've been getting plenty of sleep.  But lately, I've been having a lot of feelings like maybe the world would really be a better place if I would have never been in it.  I'm sick of people and their toxic positivity.  I'm sick of hearing "Just love yourself and your life will get better!'  It's not that I don't love myself.  I could love myself all I want... it doesn't change things.  Lately I've just been losing that fighting spirit I've always had.  I find myself hoping to get in a car accident when I leave the house.  And hoping that everyone else is ok but I end up dead.  I've talked to a few friends about this and they've all said things like, "If you weren't here I would really miss your artwork."  Seriously... it's been some variation of that every time.  So that's good I guess.  But what about the person behind the work?  Don't they matter?

And yes, I'm in therapy.  My next appointment is Tuesday.  I'm posting here because I just need to get all this out. 

Thanks for reading.  Feel free to comment IF you have something worth saying. 

[Jibralta]

8 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Lately I've just been losing that fighting spirit I've always had.

You've gone through a lot in the last six months or so. It's not surprising that you are exhausted and depressed, and reaching back towards the negative memories in your life. I sometimes wonder if picking at old wounds is a form of self-soothing. Like self mutilation. 

[Cynder]

10 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You've gone through a lot in the last six months or so. It's not surprising that you are exhausted and depressed, and reaching back towards the negative memories in your life. I sometimes wonder if picking at old wounds is a form of self-soothing. Like self mutilation. 

Every night this week I've cried myself to sleep and every morning I've woke up and cried in the shower.  And then because of the nature of my job I have to go to work and act all happy and smile all the time when I'm at work dealing with the public.  Luckily when I'm working it's not that busy. 

A lot of this stuff I've been through isn't my fault and that's what makes it so frustrating.  I feel like my ex is the only person who ever really understood me and now I have limited contact with her.  My nephew is the only real bright spot in my life right now and I've hardly seen him all week.  His Mom is back with the same abusive man who has dumped her multiple times now.  So she's never here which mean's he spends a lot more time with his dad. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Apparently they both were too stupid to use protection and thus I was brought into the world.  I heard multiple times all throughout my childhood how I ruined both of their lives and how I was just an accident.  There are older members of my family who have hated me all my life simply because of how I was conceived/born.  Like really?  This isn't the 50s.  I've never understood why people blame the kid in that situation. 

Exactly, I agree totally!

Guilt or shame on the child should be a never! 😕 

 

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I am a creative person.  I write a lot and I was in art school when I dated him.  He swore he could see demons in all of my artwork.  He said the characters in my stories were demons.  He actually thought that I just had this legion of demons following me around all the time and that they were trying to get to him and his family.

Yeah, sounds like his fathers career has gone a little too much to his head ... Ignore all that!

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

But aside from that.  I've had new agey types tell me I have a black aura.  One even said a black aura either means a person is going to die soon or they should have never been born at all.  Some palm reader grabbed my hand once without even asking and proceeded to tell me there was some weird thing about my palm print that signified being "born of darkness."  I happened to be born 13 days after Halloween, too.  And I had someone tell me once that my birthday is an evil day.

Yeah, I believe this is all crap.  People need to stop living on assumptions and all their 'beliefs'.  Is like trying to sell a religion.

 

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

As a kid I was molested for years by an older family member.  When I told my Mom, well I was just a liar and I'm just trying to destroy our family and ruin an innocent man's life because I'm just a terrible person.  (I was an adolescent at the time.) 

Wow, how awful 😕 .. this and those blaming you  for what your ex did to himself -totally uncalled for.

 

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Well, back in August she had a pretty severe mental episode and disappeared on me.  And since then it's just been one bad thing after another.  Since she left I've had health problems.  I've lost two jobs.  I had a long time friend go completely psycho on me.  I've had pets die.  It's like... how much can one person handle? 

Is amazing how much someone has to deal with... ( my youngest keeps saying hes cursed, I say NOT!  We're all dealt with struggles at one time or another).

 

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

But lately, I've been having a lot of feelings like maybe the world would really be a better place if I would have never been in it.  I'm sick of people and their toxic positivity.  I'm sick of hearing "Just love yourself and your life will get better!'  It's not that I don't love myself.  I could love myself all I want... it doesn't change things.  Lately I've just been losing that fighting spirit I've always had. 

So sorry 😞 .

But with all of the negative experiences you've had thru your life, I can understand why you're feeling so low... Is adding up on you now ( My therapist said to me I was mentally & Emotionally exhausted).

And sadly, your family ( support system) has been nothing but a negative on you, growing up.  I did as well ( ended up in therapy in teen yrs) and one of my boys did, neglect, etc by his dad.

I suggest you continue in your therapy to 'work through all of this' and learn some coping skills etc.  Also, consider talking to your doctor about something to help you out eg. anti depr's.. if not that, something for anxiety and/or mood stablizer.  Give it a bit of time to see IF it works for you.  We're all wired differently.

And I can tell you that many of us have these kinds of thoughts cross our minds.. on where we belong.  I am thankful for not thinking of this stuff anymore.. but in more-less a better head space.. It all took time.

Go one day at a time.. and keep trying with telling yourself you DO matter! ❤️ .. That all you've dealt with is why you think this way.. and you belong here as everyone else does 😉 .  I am sorry for all the negative you've had to endure.. None of that was any 'fault' of yours.

 

[Cynder]

10 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Exactly, I agree totally!

Guilt or shame on the child should be a never! 😕 

 

Yeah, sounds like his fathers career has gone a little too much to his head ... Ignore all that!

Yeah, I believe this is all crap.  People need to stop living on assumptions and all their 'beliefs'.  Is like trying to see a religion.

 

Wow, how awful 😕 .. this and those blaming you  for what your ex did to himself -totally uncalled for.

 

Is amazing how much someone has to deal with... ( my youngest keeps saying hes cursed, I say NOT!  We're all dealt with struggles at one time or another).

 

So sorry 😞 .

But with all of the negative experiences you've had thru your life, I can understand why you're feeling so low... Is adding up on you now ( My therapist said to me I was mentally & Emotionally exhausted).

And sadly, your family ( support system) has been nothing but a negative on you, growing up.  I did as well ( ended up in therapy in teen yrs) and one of my boys did, neglect, etc by his dad.

I suggest you continue in your therapy to 'work through all of this' and learn some coping skills etc.  Also, consider talking to your doctor about something to help you out eg. anti depr's.. if not that, something for anxiety and/or mood stablizer.  Give it a bit of time to see IF it works for you.  We're all wired differently.

And I can tell you that many of us have these kinds of thoughts cross our minds.. on where we belong.  I am thankful for not thinking of this stuff anymore.. but in more-less a better head space.. It all took time.

Go one day at a time.. and keep trying with telling yourself you DO matter! ❤️ .. That all you've dealt with is why you think this way.. and you belong here as everyone else does 😉 .  I am sorry for all the negative you've had to endure.. None of that was any 'fault' of yours.

 

Yea growing up I had no one.  My parents expected me to act like a little adult.  I couldn't go to them with any problems because I was either ignored, yelled at or made fun of.  And I was abides physically a lot as a kid, too.  I got hit full force in the face a lot.  I got my nose bloodied more than once.  I got the belt for even minor infractions.  They put me in therapy when I was a teenager too.  But it wasn't to help me it was to help them.  It was more of a "Fix my kid damnit!" situation.  And then after a few months they stopped it.  I was told it was because I was nuts and the therapist couldn't do anything for me.  But I overheard my Mom on the phone with my aunt and she told me aunt the real reason.  It was because the therapist was starting to question their parenting.   

Right now therapy is costing me a fortune because I haven't had insurance since August.  I'm on antidepressants.  They don't seem to be doing much, though.  Of course I've been on them for years.  So I don't know how I would feel during this time if I wasn't on them, if that makes any sense. 

[Bluemoon456]

It's understandable for you to feel this way. You have been through a lot since you were young. I think one thing that has helped me and others is not seeing everything as the picture but instead focusing on winning small battles at a time. It is okay to cry and feel devastated. None of what has happened is your fault. Unfortunately, the people that were supposed to love and protect you didn't do their jobs. 

[Cynder]

11 hours ago, Bluemoon456 said:

It's understandable for you to feel this way. You have been through a lot since you were young. I think one thing that has helped me and others is not seeing everything as the picture but instead focusing on winning small battles at a time. It is okay to cry and feel devastated. None of what has happened is your fault. Unfortunately, the people that were supposed to love and protect you didn't do their jobs. 

I have wondered a lot how my life would have been different if I would have been treated better as a kid.  And I was also bullied really bad all through school.  So there weren't many safe places I had growing up.  I would get bullied all day at school and then come home and try to talk to my parents about it and be told I deserved it. 

Right now I have a really easy job that pays well and has a lot of perks.  So I guess that could be one positive thing I focus on. 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, Cynder said:

Yea growing up I had no one.  My parents expected me to act like a little adult.  I couldn't go to them with any problems because I was either ignored, yelled at or made fun of.  And I was abides physically a lot as a kid, too.  I got hit full force in the face a lot.  I got my nose bloodied more than once

So, all forms of abuse 😕 .. wow.  Some people are struggling in their own hell or lack in an 'ability' to be a supportive & stable parent.  I know a few of these...

I really don't get people like this!  Why such nastiness?  And as result, kids like you end up so messed up due to it all.

It sucks, that something like therapy can't be unless you have $$, or insurance?  it is necessary for some ... there should not be any limitations. ( is there something like assistance program to help you get some help?  We have something here I got connected with thru my doctor a mental health agency I think it is. - or association).

As for your meds, not sure how long you've been on them or IF you feel they're working okay?  They didn't do much for me - usually know within a few mos if they are.. But my nerves were shot & went on an anxiety med for a cpl years. I weaned off that and onto a mood stablizer.. I can now 'function' a little more and tolerate things more.. Not break down several times a day 😕 .  I hope they are helping you some.

Anyways... I have learned to avoid the toxic.  Are they our of your life now?  is best for you, in order for YOU to be able to work on you and actually feel you're succeeding with no negatives, etc.

 

[Cynder]

5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

So, all forms of abuse 😕 .. wow.  Some people are struggling in their own hell or lack in an 'ability' to be a supportive & stable parent.  I know a few of these...

I really don't get people like this!  Why such nastiness?  And as result, kids like you end up so messed up due to it all.

It sucks, that something like therapy can't be unless you have $$, or insurance?  it is necessary for some ... there should not be any limitations. ( is there something like assistance program to help you get some help?  We have something here I got connected with thru my doctor a mental health agency I think it is. - or association).

As for your meds, not sure how long you've been on them or IF you feel they're working okay?  They didn't do much for me - usually know within a few mos if they are.. But my nerves were shot & went on an anxiety med for a cpl years. I weaned off that and onto a mood stablizer.. I can now 'function' a little more and tolerate things more.. Not break down several times a day 😕 .  I hope they are helping you some.

Anyways... I have learned to avoid the toxic.  Are they our of your life now?  is best for you, in order for YOU to be able to work on you and actually feel you're succeeding with no negatives, etc.

 

I think the reason they were so nasty to me particularly was because they blamed me for them both being so miserable.  My Dad's wife divorced him when she found out he had been cheating and got this other woman pregnant.  And my Mom had big dreams of being a nurse which she blame me for not following through with.  She actually told me more than once "Oh I could have had this great life as a nurse but you had to come along and ruined everything."  Well, abortion was legal and accessible when she was pregnant with me.  She also could have given me up for adoption.  And it's not like there's some law that nurses can't have kids.  She still could have been a nurse if she wanted to bad enough.  And they we years and had re miserable together.  Which I think they blamed me to that too.  They were together for 15 years and had 3 more kids after me. 

Health care is expensive in the US.  I currently don't have insurance.  I will be able to sign up for health insurance after I've been at my job 90 days.  Until then I'm just paying out of pocket for therapy and it's about $100 an hour.  But I'm managing. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

I think the reason they were so nasty to me particularly was because they blamed me for them both being so miserable.  My Dad's wife divorced him when she found out he had been cheating and got this other woman pregnant.  And my Mom had big dreams of being a nurse which she blame me for not following through with.  She actually told me more than once "Oh I could have had this great life as a nurse but you had to come along and ruined everything."

Right, the keyword.... " They were both miserable".

It is none of you kids fault.  is just how they are and had to find an excuse to 'blame'.  That's all wrong and I'm sure they are well aware of their nasty, miserableness...

But, as a result for the way THEY were, reflected onto you.  So, try not to see any of Her or His behaviour as anything to do with you.

But, yes, now it's the after effects being felt 😕 . The feeling so worthless because it's how they made YOU feel.  yes, sure is damaging!  I know a few ppl like this and I feel soo bad for their kids.

If you are not able to get some therapy right now, will be good to get on it asap. So you can continue to work on dealing with all of this and hopefully feel somewhat better. And not feel so low all the time...Don't give up, keep fighting & moving ahead. 

 

[Cynder]

16 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Right, the keyword.... " They were both miserable".

It is none of you kids fault.  is just how they are and had to find an excuse to 'blame'.  That's all wrong and I'm sure they are well aware of their nasty, miserableness...

But, as a result for the way THEY were, reflected onto you.  So, try not to see any of Her or His behaviour as anything to do with you.

But, yes, now it's the after effects being felt 😕 . The feeling so worthless because it's how they made YOU feel.  yes, sure is damaging!  I know a few ppl like this and I feel soo bad for their kids.

If you are not able to get some therapy right now, will be good to get on it asap. So you can continue to work on dealing with all of this and hopefully feel somewhat better. And not feel so low all the time...Don't give up, keep fighting & moving ahead. 

 

I'm currently in therapy.  I have been since November. 

[catfeeder]

Dear Cynder,
No, the world would not be a better place without you. Sometimes we need to fly on instruments when we can't 'see' our own value at any given time.

I caught a line in a TV skit where one friend says, "Nobody appreciates me," and the other friend replied, "Of course we do! I appreciate you," and the first friend responds, "Now see? That doesn't do it for me..."

Sometimes we just don't feel like we matter to the RIGHT people.

I understand that you were dealt a really difficult hand and there are times when you feel exhausted. While you're not alone in that, it's also true that nobody else's pain diminishes our own.

Nobody else's perceived value diminishes our own, either. In this age of digital boasting, it can feel like so many people have charmed lives while we struggle with a huge gap between our vision for ourselves and our reality--or worse, we've lost the ability to envision anything promising at all.

I don't claim that aura or spirit readers are hooey, but I believe that they can project degrees of superstition and ignorance onto their perceptions that are hardly helpful. Carrying the metaphoric darkness or demons of your upbringing only speaks of your resilience rather than saying anything at all about your intrinsic value.

Hang in here with us, Cynder. Our most painful times tend to blind us to anything but pain, and our ability to appreciate the simplest joys is temporarily squelched. These are the times to reach for your pride in resilience and to trust that there will be joys again if you can just keep moving.

(((HUG))),
Cat

 

 

 

[maritalbliss86]

On 1/20/2022 at 6:28 PM, Cynder said:

My Dad's wife divorced him when she found out he had been cheating and got this other woman pregnant.  And my Mom had big dreams of being a nurse which she blame me for not following through with.  She actually told me more than once "Oh I could have had this great life as a nurse but you had to come along and ruined everything."

Good grief they were both just POS human beings, and then tried to stick you with the bill!

Not sure what you think of curses, but do you think that maybe they (or the entire awful/evil situation) put a curse over you and your life?  

I'm being serious... curses are literal things that have to be broken by someone powerful enough to do it.  And there are steps and such that have to break that dark magic, that black aura etc... all of that can be healed.  

But I totally understand if you just think it's crazy 🙂  I used to think so, too, but now I've had enough experience with it all that I know it's not something to mess with!

[maritalbliss86]

On 1/20/2022 at 6:28 PM, Cynder said:

Well, abortion was legal and accessible when she was pregnant with me.  She also could have given me up for adoption.  And it's not like there's some law that nurses can't have kids.  She still could have been a nurse if she wanted to bad enough.  And they we years and had re miserable together.  Which I think they blamed me to that too.  They were together for 15 years and had 3 more kids after me. 

Yes, she totally could have had an abortion.  But it's my opinion if she had had an abortion done to her and you, then the curse would have passed onto her and hung over her own life.  And she would have had to endure that (it can always be healed or broken of course... it's not like an end-all thing, just not the right or good option). 

I think some people know that innately, so they *selfishly* try to keep the baby, and then resent it every day of it's life, and end up passing on a, "curse," onto the child and over it's life.  They hate it, treat it badly, resent it, and even just the hatred itself is enough to harm the child's molecular structure (look into the scientific research behind water molecular structure with different thoughts/words etc. are spoken over it - abuse, even just verbal abuse, is horrible for people to endure at a molecular level, is what they're finding out now).  It affects you spiritually... that whole black aura thing, it's this curse-like thing that hangs over you, and no it's not fair, and it's not your fault.

All of that can be lived through and even healed, but you are right that she still could have made a beautiful life.  

She could have become a nurse, been happy with you, made a better life for herself and you of course.  I've known single parents who adore their kids and make life work out.  

 

[spinstermanquee]

I cannot really add much to the excellent comments made by others here except to share that I had an abusive childhood and (as soon as I possibly could) invested a lot of time, money, and work in healing and becoming a better person inside, learning it wasn't my fault, forgiving and leaving the past behind.  I could not stay a victim because it would dictate my future.  Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or reliving, it just means growing compassion for oneself and knowing we're not defined by other folks' ideas of who [they claim] we are.  Those ideas say much more about them than about us.

When I became a parent I made extra visits to therapy because I was so worried I would pass on my abusive past to my child.  The psychologist told me if I was worried about what kind of parent I would be, I was already half way there...

So, big hugs to you in your journey.  You will come out stronger, more capable, and more loving than you ever imagined.  I'm so glad you came here to eNotalone.  There is a huge pool of wonderful folks that give their pearls of wisdom.  I've been coming for many years now and it has saved my bacon on more than one occasion!

[Cynder]

9 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Good grief they were both just POS human beings, and then tried to stick you with the bill!

Not sure what you think of curses, but do you think that maybe they (or the entire awful/evil situation) put a curse over you and your life?  

I'm being serious... curses are literal things that have to be broken by someone powerful enough to do it.  And there are steps and such that have to break that dark magic, that black aura etc... all of that can be healed.  

But I totally understand if you just think it's crazy 🙂  I used to think so, too, but now I've had enough experience with it all that I know it's not something to mess with!

Well, I seem to attract people who are into the Occult.  I also work the festival circuit in the summers (I'm a vendor) and I meet a lot of people who are into that stuff when I'm working those events.  I've had people tell me I'm cursed.  I'm a huge skeptic when it comes to stuff like that.  Not saying I don't think it's possible.  I definitely think energy can be changed/manipulated.  I called myself and Eclectic Pagan for a long time.  Then I focused my attention more on practicing Asatru.  But since my near death experience I don't label myself as anything.  But also, since that happened to me I don't hear those kinds of things from people anymore.  All the times people told me things like that (That I have a black aura, etc) were before my NDE.  I had a self proclaimed Psychic tell me once (unsolicited) that when I was at a certain age I would go through a tragedy that would be so devastating it would cripple me for the rest of my life.  Well, oddly enough the age she said this would happen was the age I was when I had the NDE.  But I don't see that as tragic.  (She told me she didn't know what it was but it was most likely someone's death.) And I definitely will never be the same again since it happened.  But I see that as a positive.  Just another weird thing regarding that... it was on the 5 year anniversary of my NDE that my ex had a nervous breakdown and left me.

I feel like I'm rambling, sorry.  I did have someone tell me once (also unsolicited) that someone put a curse on my Mom and on me because they were mad at my Mom for having an affair with a married man.  My Mom's life has been pretty miserable since she had me.  Even now... she is a lonely miserable person.  And she was really good looking back in the day.  She was also one of these women who seem to not age.  For so long she looked 20 years younger than her actual age.  But now she's starting to lose her looks and look her age.  And she's not handling it well. 

I do think my Mom loved me deep down when I was a kid.  But my dad hated me.  I mean, he did.  He treated me like garbage all through my childhood.  When he was getting ready to go have a vasectomy he was sitting at the kitchen table talking crap to me about how he has to go do this because he made such a big mistake and he's going to make sure that never happens again.  Ok... I was like 12 at the time.  I knew what he was saying made no sense.  Like, you're a grown ass man.  You're blaming a 12 year old for you having to go get snipped so you don't have any more kids?  How flippin' stupid are you dude?  And my three younger siblings were present during all of this.  Like... you had three more after me.  What are you even trying to say?  His life was no bed of roses either.  He ended up drinking himself to death.  And when he was close to dying of liver failure he called my Mom to tell her to send my sister to see him.  He said he only wanted to see my sister because he always loved her best.  What a jerk.  But oddly enough I was the last of all us kids that he saw before dying.  I was sitting on the back porch at my friend's house smoking a cigarette when he came walking down the street.  He talked to me for a few minutes and then went on his way.  A few days later he was dead.  Funny in a twisted way but the guy who molested me drank himself to death too. 

I am familiar with the effects of words on a molecular level, etc.  The rice experiment is a perfect example of this. 

Anyway, I am not even sure how I could go about breaking whatever curse is there.  Or who to go to to break it.  Or what I would have to do in return for it being broken.  But I don't just think it's crazy.  Sorry this reply was so long. 

[Cynder]

On 1/22/2022 at 4:33 PM, catfeeder said:

Dear Cynder,
No, the world would not be a better place without you. Sometimes we need to fly on instruments when we can't 'see' our own value at any given time.

I caught a line in a TV skit where one friend says, "Nobody appreciates me," and the other friend replied, "Of course we do! I appreciate you," and the first friend responds, "Now see? That doesn't do it for me..."

Sometimes we just don't feel like we matter to the RIGHT people.

I understand that you were dealt a really difficult hand and there are times when you feel exhausted. While you're not alone in that, it's also true that nobody else's pain diminishes our own.

Nobody else's perceived value diminishes our own, either. In this age of digital boasting, it can feel like so many people have charmed lives while we struggle with a huge gap between our vision for ourselves and our reality--or worse, we've lost the ability to envision anything promising at all.

I don't claim that aura or spirit readers are hooey, but I believe that they can project degrees of superstition and ignorance onto their perceptions that are hardly helpful. Carrying the metaphoric darkness or demons of your upbringing only speaks of your resilience rather than saying anything at all about your intrinsic value.

Hang in here with us, Cynder. Our most painful times tend to blind us to anything but pain, and our ability to appreciate the simplest joys is temporarily squelched. These are the times to reach for your pride in resilience and to trust that there will be joys again if you can just keep moving.

(((HUG))),
Cat

 

 

 

Feeling like I don't matter to the right people is exactly something I struggle with.   People don't seem to understand that when my ex had her breakdown and disappeared on me, I didn't just lose my lover.  I lost my best friend too.  And since we were planning a future together, all these plans I looked forward to and this great life I was going to have with her just all turned to dust.  Then I have people telling me I just need to get over it.  I have people telling me she's an awful person and if I can't see that I'm screwed up in the head, etc.  Having a nervous breakdown doesn't make someone an awful person. 

The other night I was just feeling so low I couldn't even take it.  She was online so I messaged her.  I didn't come at her like, "Oh GOd, I'm so depressed.  I need you to make me feel better."  I just asked her how things were going.  And we ended up having this awesome conversation till almost 3am.  We both started new jobs recently.  So we talked about our jobs.  We talked about our pets.  She was telling me about all the work she is doing to make her life better, etc.  I'm working to make my life better too.  But honestly it seems incomplete without her in it.  She did tell me that she still wants us to talk face to face when we are both comfortable with that, though.  Right now just isn't the right time.  And that's mutual.  It isn't like she's saying she's not ready and I'm trying to push her.  I'm not ready either.  But knowing that she still wants to meant so much to me. 

Social media...  I have a love hate relationship with Facebook.  Facebook is the only one that I feel that way about though.  95% of my clients find me there.  When it's off season and I'm not working at festivals that's where most of my sales happen, too.  My brother kept trying to make me promise him I would get off Facebook right after she left and I was really miserable.  I wouldn't so it though because there were about 10 people or so who kept me alive during that time.  And they are all people who live far away that I only talk to on Facebook.  I mean, they are people I actually know in real life.  But I've had a lot of friends leave my area and move far away.  My roommate is a trainwreck of a human being who revels in being a homewrecker and thinks she's really something because guys are willing to cheat with her.  She's also a drunk and a total slob who can't clean up after herself.  And she hasn't paid me any rent in almost 6 months.  The point to me saying all this is that the people I am in close proximity to every day are not some of the best people out there.  It sucks that so many of my close friends live so far away from me. 

My nephew is here though, and he is my little sunshine.  The other night him and I hung out in my art room and painted for hours.  We do this thing where we both start on a painting and then switch off every half hour or so.  We painted a truck in the desert.  We painted a picture of his cat.  And we also started a painting of Godzilla (because he's obsessed with Godzilla right now.)  And last night we were up until after midnight playing Guitar Hero.  

I've been trying to give myself small things to look forward to.  I am really anti suicide.  I would never do that to people who care about me.  But there are days when I feel like it would just be easier if I wasn't here.  But also, since my experience in 2016, I know everyone has a reason to be here.

Thanks you for replying.  Your reply made me cry.  Lol...

 

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

I cannot really add much to the excellent comments made by others here except to share that I had an abusive childhood and (as soon as I possibly could) invested a lot of time, money, and work in healing and becoming a better person inside, learning it wasn't my fault, forgiving and leaving the past behind.  I could not stay a victim because it would dictate my future.  Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or reliving, it just means growing compassion for oneself and knowing we're not defined by other folks' ideas of who [they claim] we are.  Those ideas say much more about them than about us.

When I became a parent I made extra visits to therapy because I was so worried I would pass on my abusive past to my child.  The psychologist told me if I was worried about what kind of parent I would be, I was already half way there...

So, big hugs to you in your journey.  You will come out stronger, more capable, and more loving than you ever imagined.  I'm so glad you came here to eNotalone.  There is a huge pool of wonderful folks that give their pearls of wisdom.  I've been coming for many years now and it has saved my bacon on more than one occasion!

My upbringing is the main reason I never had kids.  I didn't want to (even unintentionally) continue the cycle.  My Mom told me once that God knew what he was doing when he kept me from ever getting pregnant.  I kinda laughed at her when she said that.  I told her God had nothing to do with it.  I'm intelligent enough to use birth control and I always took precautions to make sure I didn't get pregnant.  And I didn't say this but I was thinking I'm sure I couldn't have done any worse than she did as a parent.  I know for sure I would have never slapped my kid around and told them what a worthless POS they are like she did to me.

I've used this analogy in the past when trying to forgive myself for things.  If someone was asked to build a bookshelf but given crappy warped lumber, and a saw that is really dull, and no way to measure anything.  And a broken hammer and rusty nails, what kind of bookshelf do you think they will build?  I made mistakes a lot in my younger years because I just wasn't given the right tools to handle a lot of things. 

I also keep reminding myself that my ex leaving wasn't my fault.  Her mental health caused her to leave.  I was the best version of myself I could be for her.  And it's not like there is absolutely no chance of us ever getting back together.  There is a chance of it happening.  We were two broken people who fell in love.  Then we took some time away from each other to learn to be less broken.  

Thank you for your kind words.  I appreciate them. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

My nephew is here though, and he is my little sunshine.  ...

I've been trying to give myself small things to look forward to. 

... since my experience in 2016, I know everyone has a reason to be here.

Thank you for replying.  Your reply made me cry.  Lol...

You're welcome, Cynder.

Keep making great memories with your nephew. When you feel down, think of creative plans for his next visit and shop or assemble in anticipation. Go as elaborate as you wish, and this can keep you caught up in the joy of helping to raise him.

And yes, everyone has a reason to be here, and we don't always know what those reasons may be. Keep trusting what you know to be true and good, and you will move yourself through your lowest times despite how permanent those might feel at any given time.

You not only have gifts, you ARE a gift.

[maritalbliss86]

On 1/23/2022 at 4:33 PM, Cynder said:

My nephew is here though, and he is my little sunshine.  The other night him and I hung out in my art room and painted for hours.  We do this thing where we both start on a painting and then switch off every half hour or so.  We painted a truck in the desert.  We painted a picture of his cat.  And we also started a painting of Godzilla (because he's obsessed with Godzilla right now.)  And last night we were up until after midnight playing Guitar Hero.  

I've been trying to give myself small things to look forward to.  I am really anti suicide.  I would never do that to people who care about me.  But there are days when I feel like it would just be easier if I wasn't here.  But also, since my experience in 2016, I know everyone has a reason to be here.

Thanks you for replying.  Your reply made me cry.  Lol...

My, "heart," response was to this above, not to all the awful things in the entire comment.

Glad you are doing better and just wondering about all these things.  

[mical]

On 1/20/2022 at 6:06 AM, Cynder said:

But aside from that.  I've had new agey types tell me I have a black aura.  One even said a black aura either means a person is going to die soon or they should have never been born at all.

Really sorry to hear about your past. You are an incredibly valuable person. 
Also had a hard time growing up, but at the end of day I think there’s gotta be something that made me stronger out of everything, made me a stronger person etc.

I also would ignore that new age stuff, strangely enough I was walking down the street and this older guy from India stared at me from a distance came up to me and said “What’s your name? You have this bright yellow light shining from your face!! Do you live here? “ then he asked if I would sit down and talk so he could read my future which I declined and he got angry and left, probably tried to scam me 😉 

Anyways, you are in good company here, the people in this community are very kind. And yes you are valuable, otherwise we wouldn’t be here listening and trying help 🙂