My families issues are now causing problems in my relationship, what should i do?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and we have been preparing to move forward in our relationship. Moving in- marriage etc. 
We have had some issues but we made it through. 
Recently she made me aware of her uneasiness about our future because of my sisters actions. 
my sister 2 years older just ended her relationship with her babies father. He’s a poor excuse of a man and I’m happy she finally decided to leave him. But now a custody battle is starting. Which is funny to me because he doesn’t even like being around his son. 
anyway, the custody issues have take a turn for the worst, my sister has gotten a restraining order against him, that I just learned is because he pulled a gun and told my sister “let your family continue to interfere with me seeing my son”

In response to this my dad bought a gun and taught everyone how to shoot it.
backstory of what’s going on with my sister. 

I have told my girlfriend about everything going on and my girlfriend told me not to get involved. Told me I’d be throwing away my life and future putting myself between my sister and her problems. Which to a point I agree. She’s scared something will happen to me if I get involved.

I spend my weekends with my girlfriend because we live faraway from each other. We don’t get much time to spend with each other. Recently my mom asked if I could do Supervised visits with my sisters ex at my girlfriends house. I politely told my mom she’s has to be joking. I’m not letting this guy who threatened my sister with a gun anywhere near my girlfriend. Or let him know where she leaves. 
 She told me I was being selfish because I would t consider it. Another option was asking me to stay close by every weekend for the for see able future. I asked her, when am I suppose to see my girlfriend. She had no response. 
 

I asked if someone else can do it or if I can pay a court appointed person to supervise. My parents response was that I’m selfish, because I didn’t want to drive an hour and a half close to where the ex lives and monitor him for 6 hours every weekend. I asked my parents if they would do it and again I was called selfish. I work 8-5 everyday and commute for work. I don’t get much time to myself throughout the week and weekends are my only break. 
 

my parents live closer to the ex but they don’t want to do it. 
 

they tell me Im selfish and only care about my self. That since we are family, I’m suppose to put aside my wants and needs for the sake of them all the time. Put myself between my sister and her issues. More issues than I can count really. 
 

needless to say I’m girlfriend is pissed about the situation and I can’t blame her. She thinks my parents only care about my sisters issues and don’t care about my future.

I haven’t told her everything about the gun or even my parents volunteering her place for visits yet. ( I just heard my mom think about it) 

I’m scared to tell her because I know it’s going to cause issues in our relationship. She’s really doesn’t like the way my parents treat me. Like I’m always suppose to be around for them and they’re issues. What should I do? 

im going to tell her though 

[Anonymous]

3 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I haven’t told her everything about the gun or even my parents volunteering her place for visits yet. ( I just heard my mom think about it) 

Unfortunately your GF is right to avoid you and your family who are all making dangerous unwise choices. 

[Batya33]

I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to have to be around this violent person. I’d tell your family you’re happy to chip in for a third party to come in and monitor the visits. I would not want to be involved in this risky and dangerous situation. 

[Andrina]

Although it's fine when feasible to occasionally help out a relative, in this case, the ask is too big. You're sister's an adult. Maybe she missed or ignored red flags about her ex when they dated. Regardless, she's an adult and will have to deal with the consequences without imposing on you. If other people support her on this, good for them, but don't feel guilty for choosing to do what's best for yourself.

Get a book, or read articles on establishing relationship boundaries. Even though they are your parents, they are criticizing your character. Not good. If they start doing this in person, tell them it's time for you to leave if you're in their home. If it's on the phone, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, because I don't. Well, I have things I need to do so I need to go."

People will learn to treat you how you want to be treated if you enforce boundaries. They will lose your company, being critical, and will learn they will have to improve their own behavior for you to want to be around them.

I actually disagree about contributing money if you don't already have 6 months of savings for your own emergencies, and aren't contributing to retirement savings. The child is only two, and this could go on another 16 years. I'm sure you wouldn't rely on your sister for financial needs like this if you were in the same situation.

Your gf is reasonable to lack confidence in going to the next stage if you get involved in your sister's mess. If your family is interfering in an important goal like setting up a life with a wonderful partner, then your choices now will be very telling to that partner and she will have decisions to make for her own good. Be prepared in dealing with the consequences of your own actions. Good luck and keep us updated.

[spinstermanquee]

Hmmm.  I love the advice Andrina gave.  You don't have a pony in this race and your GF seems to have good boundaries / observations.

Your parents are overstepping and trying to guilt you into an inappropriate situation which puts both you and your GF at risk.

Your sister chose her path and now must shore up her own resources and affiliations.  You owe her nothing, you didn't create it.  The creator(s) of the situation get to deal with it.

Best of luck, warm hugs and thoughts for a great 2022.  ❤️

[Seraphim]

Stay out of this mess and DEFINITELY do NOT bring your gf into it or offer her place. Your mom is off her rocker about that.

[East4]

It certainly will be much safer for everybody to get a neutral person to supervise the visits. Given how hostile your sister's ex is towards all of you and the statement he made about the family interfering with his son, his hostility will only escalate if he has to put up for 6 hours straight with any member of your family. Guaranteed. If you go there, he will take his anger on you, and your nephew may witness some ugly scenes. 

Your mother has not been very prudent in her judgement to put you and your nephew in such risk. I guess she is very stressed out which is not conducive to taking good decisions.

[catfeeder]

Your parents are manipulative, and your GF sounds healthy enough to dump you if you ditch her in favor of such a ridiculous 'assignment'.

I'd tell parents that they can either accept my financial contribution toward the issue without lodging insults, OR they can skip my help at all--and those are their options. Period.

The only way to gain respect from disrespectful people is to enforce terms that are acceptable to you OR zero. You can do it kindly, but stand your ground on it.

It's your call. Think it through.

 

[Lambert]

I think your parents are, as others have said, being manipulative.  

You need to be strong and hold your boundaries.  It's not fair what they are saying to you and guilting you.  And your mom, frankly, has a ton of nerve to even ask to have a visit at your girlfriend's house.  And it's pretty rich, they don't want to be the supervisors, but you're the selfish one.  

I am sorry for your situation.  It's rough to have to stand up to one's own parents like this.  But I think it's time you start focusing on your own life.  By making decisions and taking the actions that support the life you want for yourself.  As others have mentioned, you can do it with kindness and respect.  But hold your boundaries.  

As we get older and grow up our spouse (and the family you build) is the priority -- even over your own parents and sibling.  That is what wedding vows are... 

Sound like your girlfriend has a good head on her shoulders. 

Make good choices.