Worried that my g/f might be a little cheap w/ money

[Double J]

My g/f and I have been together for over 2 months, and I've loved every second of it. She's everything I could have asked for. However, one thing lingers in my mind- she doesn't seem to ever, under no circumstances, want to come out of pocket.

 

I used to think that guys should always pay on a date or wherever they go with their g/f. But I realize that it's the 21st century - women are making as much as men almost. My g/f currently has a job, and she's known that I haven't had a job in a few months because of dedication to loads of schoolwork (currently looking for a summer one now).

 

I'm starting to guess that she thinks I must have good money since I hadn't been working for a while, and that all my family members have decent looking cars compared to hers. My family might be a little higher up than her on the income bracket, but technically I'm broke. The only thing I'm hanging on to is my scholarship savings which are running out, and now i'm actively looking for a job.

 

I know for a fact that my g/f is not a gold digger. She never asks me to buy her anything. She does often ask "what are we doing today?" but that's pretty much it. I guess she might feel that if I want to take her somewhere, I should pick up the tab as well. She also has 3 older brothers and she's the only girl (youngest), so maybe it's what she's come to expect.

 

What do y'all suggest I should do? Talk to her about it? If so, how should I tell her in a way she could understand?

[jifeak]

Ok, so she doesn't ask you for money. She knows you can't afford expensive nights out but she wants to be with you anyway. From your account, she's not dumping you for a richer bloke. What's the issue here? I think you may have a little case of insecurity lurking around there.

 

Or could it be that you're expecting her to shell out for you because she has a job and you don't? Forget the 21st century issue of equality, my friend. Women basically still want a man to take care of them whatever their earning power that doesnt mean the man has to go overboard. But just little thinks like buying her a drink once in a while or going for a picnic in a park and doing nice things for her that dont involve spending money that you don't have, will do a lot to help her appreciate you and you will feel good about yourself in return.

 

I just think she wants you to show some initiative when it comes to both of you going out which is why I think she's always asking "what are we doing today". A woman likes a man with a plan. Plain and simple. So get creative and surprise her someday before she actually dumps you for someone who will. Hope that helps.

[Double J]

So get creative and surprise her someday before she actually dumps you for someone who will. Hope that helps.

 

Wow, could you have been more blunt? Thanks for the "encouragement."

 

I pretty much expected a reply like this from a female. I'm sure that guys have a different perspective on this, so I'd like to read some of those.

 

I'm not expecting her to come out of her shell financially. I'm just saying it'd be nice for her to actually offer to buy something here and there.. For example, buying the popcorn at the movie when I buy the tickets... or, buying a blockbuster rental one night.. something like that.

[johnagent1911]

I'd say something to her about this... Why not just ask her? Some ladies might not see the problem but us guys always do. You just have to man up and tell her your broke from paying for all the other dates. Maybe she can get the next?

 

j

[jifeak]

Double J, that's ok. You have a right to choose whomsoever's advice takes your fancy. I just told it as it is.

 

I do not mean to say your girlfriend can't offer to pay once in a while but it has to come from her, she has to initiate it. When it becomes a rule...

 

If you cant afford to take her out, don't go out on a date and then ask her to pay. You will not find the results funny, trust me on that. When next she asks for you to go out, tell her you're broke beforehand or refuse totally to go out and explain why in a loving way. After a couple of times of saying no, she will more likely offer to sponsor it herself. Like I said earlier, there are lots of interesting things you can do together that dont cost tonnes of money. Which is why I said you need to be creative.

 

You see, deep down, most men feel inadequate when they can't step up. They like it at first when a woman picks up the check. Its nice. After a while, when it becomes a pattern, it's not so nice for either party.

 

I have first hand experience because I supported a man for three years in a marriage, during which he was not employed and he ended up being resentful of me and taking out his frustrations on me to extent of physical abuse. And I felt like I was being taken advantage of and gradually my respect for him diminished. The marriage eventually broke up.

 

I'll say no more. Best of luck

[annie24]

Hmmm... even if she is an old-fashioned girl, I'm surprised that she doesn't at least offer to pay for a movie or popcorn once in a while. I think if she says something like, "what are we doing tonight?" Tell her in the sweetest way possible, "Honey - I would love to take you out, but I am broke broke broke, seeing as how I am focusing on my studies right now and don't have a job. We can watch the stars outside tonight."

 

I dunno - maybe that will inspire her to "spring" for a movie rental. Good luck!

[DN]

I am sorry that you were abused but that is hardly the same scenario as a broke college student feeling he is being taken advantage of by his girlfriend. And this is the 21st century, it is time that some women ceased using this sort of tactic to of not stepping up to help pay the way. I have two adult daughters, and they were both brought up to be self-sufficient and approach relationships as equals not expecting to be subsidised by a man.

 

As to supporting your husband, my wife and I have both had periods during our marriage where we have had to be the sole support - that is what marriage is about and neither of us felt resentment of the other. Part of the wedding vows include 'for richer, for poorer' and that doesn't just apply one way.

[jifeak]

I am sorry that you were abused but that is hardly the same scenario as a broke college student feeling he is being taken advantage of by his girlfriend. And this is the 21st century, it is time that some women ceased using this sort of tactic to of not stepping up to help pay the way. I have two adult daughters, and they were both brought up to be self-sufficient and approach relationships as equals not expecting to be subsidised by a man.

 

As to supporting your husband, my wife and I have both had periods during our marriage where we have had to be the sole support - that is what marriage is about and neither of us felt resentment of the other. Part of the wedding vows include 'for richer, for poorer' and that doesn't just apply one way.

 

DN, thanks for your insight but the person seeking assistance here is Double J so please do not make it about me. I am not seeking marital advice. I only said what I felt and you have done the same.

 

You are blessed to have a great marriage and wonderful daughters. Not all of us are so lucky which is part of the reason why we log on to this forum swapping views. No one has all the answers.

 

It's up to Double J to decide whether he still wants to hang with someone whom he believes takes advantage of him or to attempt to fix it with less damage. Once again thanks

[DN]

Thank you for your guidance. However, I assume you wrote your post in order to give your advice based on your experiences - my answer was designed to point out that there are other alternatives to your views about gender roles in relationships and marriage.

[Double J]

I agree with what DN is saying. I expected for there to be a divisive view on this among the genders.

 

Lets get one thing straight.. I never said I feel I'm being "taken advantage of." My g/f never asks me to take her anywhere, buy her anything, etc. Maybe i'm just putting more pressure on myself to do things for her because I don't want her to eventually get bored or what not, I don't know.

 

I just feel that there's nothing harmful about a girl picking up the tab for something small here and there.. I guess that until I don't voice my view, she's not gonna be aware of this..

[annie24]

Hey - there's not a gender divide. I also said that I think she should pay occasionally.

[Pixiemeat]

Sounds strange: come on, it's only polite to offer to pay up sometimes. I'm pretty stingy/frugal (whichever sounds better), but I'll still contribute to meals out, trips to the cinema etc. Hell, at the moment I'm paying my boyfriend's way, and will be for the next two weeks until he gets his allowance!

 

Mention what's distressing you, it can't hurt. Something like 'I can't afford it, do you mind?'. Money can become a pretty big issue later on, it's best finding out what your views on it are nice and early.