Am I being too hard on my dad?

[kaminaforever]

I have been no contact with my mom for several years and for many reasons. She is an unpleasant, controlling person who seems incapable of genuine remorse, and she abused me behind closed doors throughout childhood. She was physically, emotionally, psychologically and borderline sexually abusive to me, and she was emotionally/psychologically abusive to the rest of my family. She used to beat me as a kid and when I would have emotional meltdowns, she would get angry and punish the entire family for my "bad" behavior. She told them I was a liar and no one believed me that she was hurting me behind closed doors. Needless to say, I was a scapegoat. My dad worked a lot and never did anything to stop her abuse and to this day says he wasnt home enough to know it was happening. We were close because while he didn't stop her, whenever he was around he would find me hiding and crying, and calm me down, and talk to me like I was a human and not a monster and give me presents to cheer me up. I love my dad a lot, but unfortunately I am resentful of his enablement of her abusive behavior. She is cruel to him too, openly calling him the r-word, and blaming him for anything bad in her life. He is clearly beaten down but I am resentful that he has done literally nothing to stop her from hurting their kids or to protect himself. 

I live several hours away and my dad was planning on visiting and staying with me for the week. Two days before, he calls to tell me my mom will be coming with him. Immediately I tell him I won't see her, and if she finds me I will blame him for enabling her by literally giving her a ride to my house. He promises me that she will be visiting relatives in a far part of town and he won't let her find me.

Literally the first morning of his visit, over breakfast he gets a message and tells me that my mom needs to borrow his car for shopping.  I ask if he's going to drive to the part of town she's staying at, and he says no, she will be taking the bus down to my neighborhood and he will meet her with the car at the bus stop (2 minute walk from my house). I tell him absolutely not, she is very clearly just trying to worm her way close and none of that plan makes sense otherwise. She's staying with relatives who have cars, and I live very far away from shopping. If she needs a car for shopping, she could've just tagged along with the relatives she is ostensibly visiting. My dad then tells me my mom got kicked out by her relatives for being too political (?). I tell him I'm not sure how that's my problem. He ends up calling her, and after the call he tells me that I was right. She only went on the trip to try to see me and now that she's been kicked out he will have to take her home immediately.

I'm upset. Basically, my mom was manipulative and tried to play games, and got herself into trouble because she couldn't respect her hosts, and instead of letting her deal with the consequences of her actions (like get a train home, or book a hotel), my dad decides to end our trip to cater to her. I told him I didn't want him to leave over this and he said he didn't have a choice. His decision to drive her home was so immediate, there was no hesitation to think about alternatives. It felt like a slap in the face. I told him I need space and I don't want to talk to him for a while while.

I feel like I'm overreacting by being this upset. He said he can come visit me again soon, but I don't think I want him to. I was really excited to spend time with him and now I'm just hurt.

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

I would say, no you’re not because your mom is manipulating him. At the same time he is also a victim who refuses to leave . That is on him however. Keep yourself safe . All you can do is offer resources when and if he wants to leave . 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, kaminaforever said:

now that she's been kicked out he will have to take her home immediately. His decision to drive her home was so immediate. I told him I need space and I don't want to talk to him for a while while.

Sorry this happened. At least she did not stay with you and it's ok if the trip was cut short as long as you don't have to subject yourself to her. Good call to distance your self for a while from your father.

[boltnrun]

I think you did the right thing.

I'm so sorry. I too grew up in a household with abuse and emotional neglect so I do understand.

Hopefully you have friends and other family members you have good relationships with.

 

[Lambert]

For what it's worth-- I think you are doing the right thing.  You are an adult now.  You can protect yourself.  You owe it to yourself to do what is best for your mental health... parents or not.  

❤️