Relationship advice :0

[Leila22]

Hey! me and my partner have been together on and off for a year, we have had our ups and downs, we are happy together but some days we fight and we are not happy with each other. I love him, and we went out on a date on his birthday, he enjoyed it, we went out on the lake on a swan, and we had a good time, after that we argued and he moved on with my best friend when he came running back to me saying he missed me etc. we are currently together and we often fight but we are happy together.he often cheated on me and I am so silly for taking him back but i cant deny the love i have for him, my best mate pushed her things up and he fell in love and cheated on me saying things about me which broke my heart inside, is that normal? I am not here to feel oh help me but want to address cheating hurts the other half as in my case he has hurt me. he kept saying i caused his cheating when i did not i did not tell him to cheat i stuck by him and he hurt me by cheating which is not nice. when you feel low like me after the break up, I have had mental health issues that he knows off, i got beaten up  and he stood outside laughing, I was struggling with things that had happened at home and he had the cheek to rip me off like that it made me feel really sick inside and he calls me once each day and never hardly messages me, i don't feel like he actually wants me. 

I have suffered previously, with the date of loss of my nan and things and he knows when those dates come I am upset and to be gentle to myself but he sometimes wants to help me but he just gets bored and confides in me which makes me think he only is using me for when he has nothing else to do as he does it often and he even said it once. I am new to everything with kissing etc and I aren't a fan but i did it to please him as he is that type of guy, I aren't dissing him I am just letting everything out as that's what is best rather then build things up. he can go 3-4 days without messaging me and when he eventually messages me he replies and is rude, he says why you ignoring me stop annoying me and get lost. it breaks my heart. i aren't here to annoy him I want him to recognise that i am here for him i love him and i am standing around and getting messed about as that's not fair. 

Jess

[Leila22]

he has messaged me this morning but has left me alone I am so stuck ah

[Andrina]

Your self esteem is in the gutter. A man who regularly ignores you and has the poor ethics to cheat is all you think you deserve. You can just as easily find a man to love who has good ethics and treats you like the special person you are, but you keep yourself chained to smelly garbage. 

Make yourself single. Work on your self-esteem with therapy or at the very least, by reading books and articles on how to achieve this and do the work. Only then will you be ready to date in a way that benefits you.

[Leila22]

Just now, Andrina said:

Your self esteem is in the gutter. A man who regularly ignores you and has the poor ethics to cheat is all you think you deserve. You can just as easily find a man to love who has good ethics and treats you like the special person you are, but you keep yourself chained to smelly garbage. 

Make yourself single. Work on your self-esteem with therapy or at the very least, by reading books and articles on how to achieve this and do the work. Only then will you be ready to date in a way that benefits you.

thank you so much for replying.  I just think I can't find anyone else so i go back to him thank you for such lovely words  made me feel wanted! He has not been nice to me and we argue so i understand that my self esteem is very low. 

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, Jesslou2x said:

thank you so much for replying.  I just think I can't find anyone else so i go back to him thank you for such lovely words  made me feel wanted! He has not been nice to me and we argue so i understand that my self esteem is very low. 

I am a huge fan of not "staying single" to "work on yourself" with rare exceptions.  This is one of those exceptions because you are tolerating abusive treatment and coming back for more.  You think you can't find anyone else because you're not yet the right person to find the right person.  And given your pattern of tolerating abusive treatment I wouldn't date while becoming the right person.  A person who knows her worth.   Here's what I would do - first find a therapist -a good therapist.  Second do volunteer work in a setting where you are interacting with other volunteers and the people you are helping.  I wonder if you might get perspective volunteering at a women's shelter -you can meet people who have chosen to leave abusers, you can meet women who are intent on making a better life for themselves and won't tolerate crap along the way.  

The "but I love him" is irrelevant.  I love dark chocolate and I choose not to eat too much of it and I choose not to indulge if possible right before bed because of the caffeine.  I can love something, desire something and still make good choices.  

What would your grandmother have thought of how you are treating yourself?  I'm sorry for your loss -I remember when I lost my grandparents and I carry a lot of what they taught me in my heart and head.  Can you do the same?

[catfeeder]

12 minutes ago, Jesslou2x said:

idk what she would say. how is it irrelevant? bit rude

It's strange that you'd put up with cheating and mistreatment from a guy, but you'd call someone who has offered thoughtful time and advice rude.

Your priorities need adjustment.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jesslou2x said:

I have had mental health issues that he knows of

Ask your parents to take you to a physician to evaluate your mental and physical health.

Be honest with your doctor about sleeping with someone who sleeps around, so you can be tested for STDs.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[boltnrun]

Staying with someone who cheats and treats you so poorly will make your mental health issues worse, not better.

[smackie9]

This isn't a relationship problem, this is a YOU problem. Get professional counseling. You definitely can't figure this out on your own.

[Batya33]

I think it is relevant to think about how our loved ones would have advised us even if tragically they are no longer here. My cousin who was one of my closest friends passed away 17 years ago next month. Her mother - my aunt - told me she still has conversations with her and I too think about how she would  react in a variety of situations.  
 

So I’m sorry you thought it was irrelevant and rude. You mentioned how you went through a difficult time losing your grandmother. My input and suggestion was to remember her as someone who perhaps would  not have wanted to see her granddaughter treating herself with such disrespect.  And how would she have advised you. 
I hope you get help and support either from a professional or an objective outsider who has your best interests at heart. 

[Rose Mosse]

Are you in school? Where are your parents? Do you have enough encouragement and support at home? I'm sorry to hear about your nan. Don't let this drive you off the rails and off track. Focus on your school work. Have nothing to do with these people including this person you're dating. Lose the "best friend". That is no friend. 

 

[Leila22]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This isn't a relationship problem, this is a YOU problem. Get professional counseling. You definitely can't figure this out on your own.

mate this is not my fault 

[Leila22]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are you in school? Where are your parents? Do you have enough encouragement and support at home? I'm sorry to hear about your nan. Don't let this drive you off the rails and off track. Focus on your school work. Have nothing to do with these people including this person you're dating. Lose the "best friend". That is no friend. 

 

i do but its complicated

 

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It's strange that you'd put up with cheating and mistreatment from a guy, but you'd call someone who has offered thoughtful time and advice rude.

Your priorities need adjustment.

please stop going on. things happen and abuse takes place where you cant escape so think before you type as i am working my life through so go away

[Leila22]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It's strange that you'd put up with cheating and mistreatment from a guy, but you'd call someone who has offered thoughtful time and advice rude.

Your priorities need adjustment.

okay 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Jesslou2x said:

mate this is not my fault 

Choosing to stay in an awful relationship is 100% our fault. 

Your self worth and mental health will continue to suffer and probably get worse the longer you choose to tell yourself you love this guy and refuse to leave this unhealthy relationship.

Good thing is, you can decide to leave anytime you want. You have all the power to make good choices for yourself.

[Leila22]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Choosing to stay in an awful relationship is 100% our fault. 

Your self worth and mental health will continue to suffer and probably get worse the longer you choose to tell yourself you love this guy and refuse to leave this unhealthy relationship.

Good thing is, you can decide to leave anytime you want. You have all the power to make good choices for yourself.

i am hurting n its not my fault though. i am trying to get out and i was not wanting rude comments. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Jesslou2x said:

i am hurting n its not my fault though. i am trying to get out and i was not wanting rude comments. 

What are you doing to "try to get out"?

It's as simple as "This relationship isn't right for me. I've decided to break up." Then end all communication.

Yes, I get that the feelings won't go away for quite some time. But the actual act of breaking up is simple.

[Leila22]

Just now, boltnrun said:

What are you doing to "try to get out"?

It's as simple as "This relationship isn't right for me. I've decided to break up." Then end all communication.

Yes, I get that the feelings won't go away for quite some time. But the actual act of breaking up is simple.

we been together since we were 15 n 14 its difficult to let those feelings go

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Jesslou2x said:

we been together since we were 15 n 14 its difficult to let those feelings go

So you are 15 or 16 years old now?

[Leila22]

Just now, boltnrun said:

So you are 15 or 16 years old now?

no im 19

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Jesslou2x said:

no im 19

Ok, well in your OP you said you've been "on and off for a year"  then you said you've been together since ages 15 and 14. Hence my confusion.

But still, that's not very long. There's no need to attach yourself permanently to a cheating jerk just because you first liked him when you were 14. You can meet and fall in love with a super nice, cool and attractive guy who will treat you well. But you never will meet him if you choose to stick with Mr. Cheater.

[Leila22]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Ok, well in your OP you said you've been "on and off for a year"  then you said you've been together since ages 15 and 14. Hence my confusion.

But still, that's not very long. There's no need to attach yourself permanently to a cheating jerk just because you first liked him when you were 14. You can meet and fall in love with a super nice, cool and attractive guy who will treat you well. But you never will meet him if you choose to stick with Mr. Cheater.

i have told and taken my way away from him. i am listening to you all and i dont deserve him i really dont

[boltnrun]

50 minutes ago, Jesslou2x said:

i have told and taken my way away from him. i am listening to you all and i dont deserve him i really dont

You can absolutely do better. 

I hope you stay away from him. I suggest you delete him from your phone and any social media and messaging apps so you won't be tempted to go back when he contacts you.

[Leila22]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You can absolutely do better. 

I hope you stay away from him. I suggest you delete him from your phone and any social media and messaging apps so you won't be tempted to go back when he contacts you.

thank you. you havent even see me to know if i can do better. i have my dog with me so i am not alone. i dont need him

[boltnrun]

I don't need to see you. No one deserves to be shackled to a lying cheater who treats you poorly. I'm sure you would rather be with a guy who treats you well and loves you and only you.

I'm glad you have your doggy. Dogs are great companions. They love you unconditionally.