Guy at the gym

[trp]

I'm sorry that I'm posting another gym story, but I just need some advice. I have had multiple crushes and guys I was interested in the gym, but usually their personality is quite different whenever there has been any kind of interaction. It usually turns me off and I keep it moving. I have been going to this gym in the last few years, and I have noticed this guy for a couple years now. Lets just call him Jay. Initially when I first noticed Jay, I was not interested (at least not in that way). He seemed kind of a tool and I recall being irritated with him because he was on a machine that I wanted to get on while talking to a buddy of his. That situation was 2 and half years ago when I was actually crushing on another dude at the gym. Anyway, about a couple years ago around this time, Jay started showing up everyday and was consistently around me to the point that I noticed. For example, if I went to one part of the gym, he almost weirdly followed me to the same area. He did not necessarily give me eye contact up close, but usually far away. Also, his smile just melt my heart, and he would look at me when talking to his friends (at least who I assume are his friends). 

He would also make himself known by walking by me when I would be on the treadmill when he first got to the gym (and pretty much walking out of his way to basically either see me or to just make sure that I saw him).   This went on for a while, and I kind of was doing the same thing a few months later. Well then the coronavirus hit, and obviously did not see him from March through the summer of 2020. I think I recall seeing him a few times when the gym opened in June that summer. During this time away, I was probably not in the best mental health state (like most people), and I happened to find his facebook account through the suggested friends and we had one mutual friend. I stupidly added him because at the time I thought I probably will not see him again. Well, of course, he did not add me, but he did not reject/decline me either. I kind of let it go and a few months later I just cancelled the friend request because it was driving me crazy to see some of his posts/pictures. I know. I fell into his trap! 

Fast forward to about a year ago, he started showing up yet again, but not everyday like before (after I was just getting over him). Mind you, we still haven't talked, and yet would give me intense eye contact, but he always looked mad where as I seemed like I at least smiled at some point. However, he did not necessarily follow me all the time like before, but would make sure to know where I was and vice versa. We even would get to the gym at about the same time, and leave about the same time. Part of that was planned by me, but sometimes I feel it was planned by him too. Either I would leave first, and he followed me out or vice versa. 

However, I did not get the courage to actually approach him until later which was about April this year. I don't know why, but I think I just wanted to know if there was something there. I think it took me so long to approach because he always looked mad. I approached him one day when walking out, and I think I followed him out and gave him a compliment on his shoes. We chatted for a bit about the weather and work as we were both walking to our cars. He was very nice/polite and he even thanked me for the compliment and that he really appreciated it. I was so happy that I just approached. However, I was unable to talk to him the next time because he just intimidated me! ugh! 

At this point, I would say we are acquaintances. He knows who I am, and now I can easily approach him to talk unlike a few months ago. Our conversations are usually  about work, the gym, our week, etc, but nothing beyond that. Typically our conversations are short like maybe 5 minutes.   The problem that I'm having is I'm always approaching him. For example, yesterday, he saw me, but did not come up to approach to talk. I then walked near his area and waved and he waved back, but did not seem he wanted to talk. Then I was about the leave, and I saw him near the exit and I asked him how his weekend was. We chatted about the weekend, and the end of last week at work, etc. He seems like he is happy to see me. The smile, and the body language seems to be there (at least from my perspective), but I feel like I'm constantly asking him questions. He also does not share more information than he has to. For example, yesterday, we talked about watching football games this past weekend, and I have been freely sharing who my team is for quite awhile, but he will just state "yeah, I just watched my school team", but didn't mention his team until I asked what his school team is which he then responded to. However, I have overheard him around other people (who are not necessarily people he has interacted with before), and he mentioned to them that he was a football player on that team. It's almost like he withholds information until I ask him which I find a bit weird because I feel like I share information about me?

 

He will ask a few questions back, but most of the time is quiet around me which makes it awkward at times, but then other times it's not awkward because he is telling me how fun his weekend. I have seen him interact with his friends (or what I assume are his friends), and he seems to be very talkative. The conversations between them seem to be longer and he seems more chatty. He also smiles with them as well. 

I guess I'm just wondering if I just need to ignore him and let him approach me from now on? Have I been too available? I'm just wondering why our conversations are not like with his friends or really anyone else? I guess he is just not comfortable with me which is understandable, but how can I make him more comfortable? Ugh! I can't...and it's just driving me crazy. I think it would be easier to get over him if he was a jerk at this point..

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, trp said:

It's almost like he withholds information until I ask him which I find a bit weird because I feel like I share information about me?

 

He's not a jerk, is just how he is with you.

What you feel & where you're at, he is not.  Is something you need to accept.  he's being respectful by responding, as most are.

So, don't push yourself on him.  If you feel he's not as outgoing towards you then don't expect much from him.  Just smile & wave like you do and carry on.

IF he's at all interested, he'd make an 'effort'.

Is maybe time to let this go.

[boltnrun]

Maybe he's dating someone and he doesn't want to be inappropriate. Or maybe he doesn't want to date anyone from the gym.

I would move on to someone who is more enthusiastic about seeing and talking to you.

[greendots]

A few things pop into my mind:
- Not everyone who has a social media account, uses it regularly and some people are selective about who they add onto their social media account.
- People who don't want to chat with you will find a way to cut conversation short by not asking you questions or saying things like "I've got to go", "See you tomorrow".
- Not everyone who is interested in talking to you will volunteer information, but someone is more likely to do so if interested.
- Someone who is genuinely keen on you is more likely to treat you differently than everyone else.
- When someone is really interested in you, they are enthusiastic. Like very happy to see you, wanting to hear more from you, etc.

As for body language, they say the direction of the feet show where someone's interest is. So, when he's talking to you where are his feet pointing at? The nearest exit, someone else or you?

It seems that at the moment you're just gym acquaintances.

[Rose Mosse]

He doesn't seem interested in the way you'd like. Leave this for awhile and do your own thing at the gym. You may also be focusing too hard on what he's doing and his friends and this seems weird or too intense. 

[trp]

Update: He was at the gym yesterday. I went on the elliptical and he comes walking near me  and I felt him staring at me through the mirror, but I just quickly glanced over and still eyes on me. He walks away to a machine across the gym. Then he comes back to my area and is on a machine that is facing me on elliptical and giving me major eye contact as I’m just glancing over and kind of scanning the whole gym room. Again he had no smile or no approach from him staring. He clearly is looking for attention. I did end up approaching him to ask how his day was, and he said good and was telling me that it was a busy day at work. He also told me he was sore from the day before. I told him about my day and I said have a good workout. He was smiling the whole time and his body was pointing torwards the outside when I approached. His body eventually appointed to me with his hands on his hips. I didn’t notice feet though this time.

 

Thank you everyone so far! I’m glad to read everyone’s perspective from this and honestly this is what I needed to hear. I will definitely back off for now because I think I am being too much. 
 

Lol! As far as the feet direction, it has depended! Sometimes both feet would point to me and sometimes one foot would be away. I don’t know if I necessarily believe it though. I have noticed when he talks to someone else, at least one foot would be pointed to me. Who knows!? 
 

I completely agree that we are just gym acquaintances. Thanks Greendot for those things to keep in mind. I too have thought that maybe he is interested because he does treat me differently and maybe the awkwardness between us is something a bit more on both ends. I still am going to back off for now and just focus on my workout. We will see what happens.

 

[Rose Mosse]

He probably does like the attention but it's not worth it if there's anything awkward going on. You don't have to ignore these familiar people. Just give a nod and greet them if you see them but full blown conversations aren't necessary. Gyms are usually not the place suss out dates and it can be interpreted negatively if you keep pursuing that. 

 

[greendots]

12 hours ago, trp said:

I completely agree that we are just gym acquaintances. Thanks Greendot for those things to keep in mind. I too have thought that maybe he is interested because he does treat me differently and maybe the awkwardness between us is something a bit more on both ends. I still am going to back off for now and just focus on my workout. We will see what happens.

You're welcome. Reflecting on my own life experiences, being upbeat and happy (smiling, laughing, enjoying the workout) is attractive. So, whilst you're backing off, still keep that positive vibe. Should he be truly interested in you, he'll be drawn to that vibe and seek you.

[trp]

Update: First, I just want to appreciate you guys for the support for this situation. I have been backing off a bit more and just trying to be more friendly at the gym with everyone (not just this guy) and focusing on my workout. 

I will admit that I'm still approaching Jay to say "Hi" and ask him about his workout/day/work, etc. Again, he smiles and seems enthusiastic that I approached which I think is encouraging me to continue approaching him even for friendship or a gym buddy. Our conversations are about the weather, or work which I would say are pretty mundane topics, yet he is smiling ear to ear with some prolonged eye contact in between (as I am as well). I could possibly read too much into it, but it's definitely different with him compared to others. 

A few weeks ago, I did have the courage to ask him about getting drinks sometime, and he was surprisingly excited about it, and even mentioned that he hasn't been out lately, so it would be good. However, we did not set an actual day or anything just because I was in my head about it and honestly, I was hoping he would take some initiative to say when.  Since then, I will say he has been showing up at the gym on a consistent basis. Also, he has been opening up a bit more about his work and personal life. 

However, he still is either afraid to approach me, he is just not interested or is in a relationship like someone mentioned before. He either comes near me or completely avoids me which honestly is one of the reasons why I still approach because to me this whole coming near me and avoiding me tactic is making me feel awkward when we literally had a great conversation the last time, I saw him. It's almost when I talk to him, then he brightens up/smiles, etc, but before he almost seems nervous/anxious to come talk to me. He must be getting in his head as well. Even yesterday, he saw me, and I waved at him, and he was very hesitant to approach until I asked him how he was, and then his face brightened up. 

Overall, I think it's positive with him regardless of what actually happens. If anything, it's definitely a friendship which I'm down for. Anyway, I just wanted to keep you guys updated and thanks for your support!

[Batya33]

If he wanted to firm up plans for a drink he would have.  He hasn't because he doesn't want to. You're at a gym - see how people move towards pleasure and away from pain?  Or if the pleasure of a better body/better health outweighs the pain of doing ten more minutes on the treadmill, the person puts in the extra effort. Same deal here.  If going on a date with you gave him more pleasure than pain (benefits than downside) he would put in the effort to firm up plans especially since you've been actively pursuing him for awhile now and been very forward.  No risk of rejection for him.

All you need to surmise is he is not because he is not that into you or he is not available to date.  Not because he's scared unless he's so terrified of dating it makes him emotionally unavailable.  Doubt it- don't you?.

Why do you think this is a friendship?  It sounds like if you make all the effort and if he feels like it you'll have a great conversation.  That's not a friendship -there's no give and take.  I wouldn't pursue further contact with him.  Ball is in his court and if he changes his mind you will know.  Right away.

[sadchick83]

I am going to disagree with the others. I think he does like you, but is just a shy person.  I have had guys approach me at the gym to chat with me or flirt.  I decide I am not interested in them and thereafter totally avoid them so they don’t get any ideas. I will use equipment at the other side of the gym in order to avoid.

The gym is a great place to meet people, but from what I have heard younger people don’t think it is as appropriate as older people.

Is there a bar close to the gym that he may frequent? By meeting at  bar by chance you could avoid asking him out.  It would be a great place to strike up a more personal conversation. Or, are there any gym sponsored social events? These places would be far less pressure from a dating perspective to meet up than an actual date.

Also, how old is Jay and how old are you?  Maybe he is on dating apps and is not used to asking a woman out IRL.

 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, sadchick83 said:

Maybe he is on dating apps and is not used to asking a woman out IRL.

OP is also a man.

[sadchick83]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

OP is also a man.

Oh, I see.  Apologies, I missed that. Well, do we know if Jay is interested in men?

[Jibralta]

On 12/22/2021 at 5:43 PM, sadchick83 said:

Well, do we know if Jay is interested in men?

Excellent question!

[GGHJ]

While I may be late to this discussion, I have to put my two cents in.

It is important to be careful, quite frankly a gym is not the best place to pick up someone.  That being said, I have to admit for me it was a good place.  I had been going to a gym (National Chain). by myself for about a year.  When I first started I was out of shape and not looking for anyone.

I had always considered myself to be straight.  But I had no girlfriends.  One night, the place was almost empty.  I was struggling with a new exercise.  This guy gave me a few pointers.  That was that.  As time went on I ran into him again.  We struck up a friendship.  Went that way for almost a year.  Then one night he asked if I wanted to go for coffee after my work out.  I said sure.  soon we were doing lots of things together.  I started to have feeling for him.  I keep it hidden for months.  Then one night we went out for coffee, after coffee we got in our cars.  Mine wouldn't start, so he gave me a ride home.  As we were saying good night, I don't know what came over me and i kissed him (a peck on the cheek.)  Nothing else came of it.  A few days later at the gym he asked me if my car was fixed.  Said it was.  We said nothing about the kiss.  We went out for coffee after the workout and then we had what I call "the talk."  He said he never had the feelings he had and he wondered if I would have a problem if he asked me out on a date.  I said sure i would go out with him.  Well the date went excellent.  When we said good night, we agreed to go out again.  This time we kissed for real.  One date lead to more, soon were going "steady."  I asked him if he would mind if I called him my boyfriend.  He laughed and said he was wondering the same thing.

After about a year of dating, he asked me to marry him.  Of course i said yes.  The wedding was fun and we went to Mexico for our honeymoon.  We found out we were both virgins.  We laughed at this.  But when we made love for the first time it was special.  That was almost 6 years ago.  We are still married, we still workout (but drive together) and life couldn't be better.