Relationship help! Confused..

[Wallflower89]

My partner and I have been together 10 years and half a 2 year old. I am not sure whether I want to stay in this relationship. I have anxiety which I have struggled with since being a child. It has become pretty severe as I've gotten older and I am currently recievening counselling. My partner really struggles to understand it, for a long times now I cannot seem to express how I feel when my anxiety is high without him instantly getting upset with me because of my tone of voice or the fact I'm frustrated either with him a a certain situation. I need his support but we usually end up having a massive argument which can last hours as he will not listen to me and tells me I'm being horrible, that I cannot act this way and treat him like this even though I have tried to explain multiple time how my anxiety has an effect on my emotions and this can be hard to control. I always apologise if I act this way but we are stuck in a pattern and I am constantly being blamed for not having control over my anxiety or emotions as he does. We are completely different, I am an emotional extrovert and he is a chilled introvert which at times can work but I'm not sure how much it is working anymore and how much more I can stand being told off for my anxiety and being made to feel like a bad person when I'm trying my hardest just to get through the day sometimes. I am confused in what to do as we do have a child but I can't keep feeling so bad about myself and worrying every month that I'm going to upset him because I'm having an anxious day. Please help as I am really struggling..... 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Wallflower89 said:

 I have anxiety which I have struggled with since being a child. It has become pretty severe as I've gotten older and I am currently recievening counselling. . 

Do you take any medication for the anxiety?

[LotusBlack]

I do see where you’re coming from, as I used to have a very severe obsessive compulsive anxiety disorder for over 20 years - couldn’t leave my house for 3 years at one stage or even look outside my window without having a complete panic attack to the point of being in a catatonic state for hours after. So, I do feel for you and your situation and really hope you don’t have to go through this for much longer. You have my utmost compassion.

I do, however, also see your partner’s perspective. It is incredibly hard to deal/engage with anxious people at times. It isn’t his fault and, to be honest, shouldn’t be his problem that you have anxiety (beyond the dynamics of your relationship and your incompatibility (if your are) directly causing/contributing to your anxiety). He shouldn’t have to take your emotional instability or extremes just because you experience anxiety. It doesn’t justify your treatment of him even though it may be your reason - and a very understandable one at that.

You are already on the right track and doing your best with therapy, but perhaps explore additional avenues that may support your counseling, such as medication or something with a more holistic approach - whatever fits in with your values. But try to keep in mind that you are asking that he make allowances for how and who you are and you should also do the same for him; he cannot meet you 100% of the way. Having said that, I do not know him, but perhaps he also needs to be a little more compassionate and understanding of your anxiety, more so than he is being. If you and he cannot do that, then you and he are incompatible as partners and need to reevaluate your relationship.

 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you.

A bigger problem than having our own personal sentence to a condition is to expect a loved one to respond as we would wish to that condition.

We can't manage another's response.

So, you have choices to make.

How well can you shield partner from your condition rather than laying it on him and expecting him to adopt the role of a compassionate therapist?

If you cannot shield partner, what other options for a new living situation can you come up with?

We cannot force another to understand what they do not understand or to respond in ways that they do not wish to respond.

So consider what resources you can tap or whatever else you can do for yourself beyond your dependency on your partner.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[SooSad33]

Good that you've seeked counselling, but have you spoken to your doctor about something else to help you out?  A med for the anxiety?  I was on something for a couple of years and it did help, to extent.  I eventually weaned off that and onto a mood stablizer and I am doing better now, where I can actually function a bit better, though the anxiety is always underlying - so it will arise in situations.

IF you feel that you are just at wits end, then is maybe time to end this with him, if it's just causing fights now. 😕 

A successful relationship does take your time, energy & expectations. (as well as the usual, communication, respect, do you complement each other - compatible?).

if a lot of these are a no, then it may be too much for you to cope with now.

 

[Wallflower89]

Yeah I have spoken to my doctor, quite frequently atm as it had become very intense. Work was a main cause and I have changed the job I was at for 8 years which has helped a massive amount... 

My doctor wants to wait until my counselling has finished before we explore medication. Me and my partner have also argued about this as he doesn't believe in this sort of thing but I've tried to explain that sometimes people need more help. 

We just can't seem to find a middle ground. I'm very independent do I always try to deal with the anxiety on my own first as I know that in the end it is mine to deal with. I do feel though that I should be able to ask him to support me at times instead of him just suggesting things to help that don't include him.... 

He doesn't complement me at all, he struggles to be emotional whereas I am the complete opposite. I'm not sure as we've got older whether we are compatible which is what I'm trying to work out. I understand that living with someone who has anxiety is hard as my mum suffers from this and depression but I also feel that if you love someone, sometimes even if you are struggling with their emotions that just need you to be there, when I asked him to do this, he said he shouldn't have to be second best and that if he's upset with me because of my anxiety then I have to deal with this too.... 

He's very black and white in his thinking and he struggles to understand that I'm in a pretty grey area....

[DarkCh0c0]

I don't really agree with posters above. The bf sounds unsupportive and abusive.

@Wallflower89 why is he so critic and puts you down like this? Do you yell at him out of anxiety? Or, is it more like you're expressing your worries/feelings and he turns them against you?

I think you are very right in re-considering this relationship. He sounds very unsupportive, that you're better off alone.

[Wallflower89]

I do my best to be very open and honest with him when I'm feeling anxious or my emotions are running high. I try and explain to the best of my ability and I know it isn't his problem to deal with and it is my own but I also feel like I should get support as oppose to being told that I need to sort myself out and control my anxiety better. 

He can become quite nasty and say that I've pushed him to this point of being that emotional but when I try to explain that my anxiety can make me feel this way too it's not a good enough reason... I also want to point out that I am always very apologetic when I've upset him because I'm anxious as I realise that it's not a nice thing and l always try my best to treat him and put his needs first. I work full time so he can be a stay at home dad and teach martial arts which I am very supportive of but I'm starting to feel like I'm not getting much back.... 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 minutes ago, Wallflower89 said:

try and explain to the best of my ability and I know it isn't his problem to deal with and it is my own but I also feel like I should get support as oppose to being told that I need to sort myself out and control my anxiety better

I'm sorry it's like this. Indeed, a good partner would have supported you, and even suggested some tactics so that you feel safe and it doesn't affect the relationship too much.

It's sad, but he'll always be like this. Always was.

So, you know what to do. Take care of you and your child. Please ask friends and family for support, and don't do it all alone.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, Wallflower89 said:

l always try my best to treat him and put his needs first. I work full time so he can be a stay at home dad and teach martial arts which I am very supportive of but I'm starting to feel like I'm not getting much back

Your needs should always go first, even in a relationship. They should be taken in consideration equally as your partner's.

He's a stay at home dad and he has more time to support you, but instead, all he does is abuse/dismiss your feelings. Yep. Kick him to the curb and insure your child's rights.

[Wallflower89]

@DarkCh0c0

Thank you, already you've been helpful and understanding in how I feel. I know that the anxiety is my problem and I have to deal with it which I feel like I've taken the right steps in doing but I don't feel like I am being unreasonable in expecting my partner to support me, especially when I have done my best to do the same with him. 

Yes I think I do and as scary as it is going to be. 

The last time we argued I asked him if he could put my needs first like I do for him and he told me that in his world that's not ideal and that it made him sad that I had asked that but he would try, then the next day the same thing happened again and we argued because I needed his help and he dismissed it because to him it's not that big of a deal and I should be able to manage. 

He's an amazing father but I can't just stay for that reason and I'm always worried I'm going to upset him by being anxious when I know that as much as I am getting help that I am always going to struggle with mental health and need support! 

 

[Wallflower89]

@DarkCh0c0

When I say put my needs first I mean that when I've explained my anxiety is bad or if I have had a panic attack that day and he has tried to suggest an option that doesn't involve his help, I told him that as much as he's trying to help it isn't and that I need him to be there, he told me that this is unfair and I should realise he's being helpful and not grt uosrt because it's not the answer I want. But like I said beforehand I have already explained that I need him there and then he gets upset with me and we just butt heads!

Is this unreasonable for me to expect? 

[Wallflower89]

@Capricorn3

Not currently on any medication. 

My doctor wants to wait until my counselling treatment is finished and then we're having a review to see if I need to try some. This is a hard subject to broach with my partner as he doesn't tend to believe in this sort of thing and doesn't want me to try it even though I've explained that not everyone can manage and some people need help, even if that is medication. He almost makes me feel like I've failed if I do this. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Wallflower89 said:

. Me and my partner have also argued about this.

Ok. Be concrete. Ask for specific tasks, not this vague "you need to be supportive whenever I'm anxious" thing.

What help around the house or with your child do you specifically need? 

No, in a good relationship no one should play therapist or have to walk on eggshells for fear of your anxiety attacks.

Your healthcare and mental health is your responsibility and it appears to be under treated, especially given your family history.

If you feel overwhelmed be specific in terms of what you want him to do. For example, watch your child, do some chores, run some errands,etc.

Unfortunately it appears you have generalized relationship issues, so stop making it all about your anxiety and reflect on what the real issues are.

Also no one person can be responsible for your happiness. Diversity. Friends, family, interests, hobbies, getting fit for your well-being, etc.