When talking about You Are you too hard or soft and How do you strike the right balance?

[Mets6986]

Hi In the past I have written a lot about things and why I am not here to talk about them. My journey toward personal growth is never ending. I have had different people at various times tell me conflicting things about me. Some have said I am much too critical of myself while others say I am too lenient on myself. I know both are bad so how do I or anyone for that matter strike the balance of being self compassionate but also taking personal responsibility? Have a great day!

 

[LaHermes]

6 minutes ago, Mets6986 said:

Some have said I am much too critical of myself while others say I am too lenient on myself.

Who are these experts?!  And have they just given an opinion off the bat or do you somehow consult these people?

Only you can know yourself.

Are you still having therapy? A qualified therapist will be well able to point out your qualities and also lead you to a place of insight.

 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, it can very well affect how YOU see yourself.. So, are you talking about more 'self love', etc?

I have pretty much accepted who I am.  I know I am caring to many, I also know I am very emotional.

In ways, I am sure we are all hard on ourselves at times.

So, is maybe a good idea and try to 'accept' who you are.  Remind yourself regularly, how good a person you are ( change your frame of mind).

And also take care of yourself... eat well, get your sleep, hang with good people ( less toxic the better) 😉 .

Unless, you find your life too overwhelming, where it's getting the better of you, then consider some prof help?  I did therapy a few times over the years, when I felt myself chlallenged too much and falling.

Not sure how you mean about 'striking the right balance'?

A lot of it is in how we've been treated, our frame of mind, etc. ( w/ depression, one is VERY challenged & fight that mind battle heavily) 😕 .

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Mets6986 said:

Hi In the past I have written a lot about things and why I am not here to talk about them. My journey toward personal growth is never ending. I have had different people at various times tell me conflicting things about me. Some have said I am much too critical of myself while others say I am too lenient on myself. I know both are bad so how do I or anyone for that matter strike the balance of being self compassionate but also taking personal responsibility? Have a great day!

 

I would limit who you talk to about this -people you really trust.  I see it as contextual and a work in progress.  Here's what helps me balance the two extremes:  daily cardio exercise.  It clears my head and things just flow and I get mental and emotional perspective.  Also because I am very hard on my body when I exercise - I push myself to the limit -I get to see what it's like to do that for my benefit -for my health benefit and how awesome it feels when I've accomplished another workout.  The other thing I try to notice is when I'm too hard/critical of my husband and son - that is like a mirror of me being too hard on myself.  That helps with balance.  

And I would avoid being so insular "my journey"  - it is but your journey will be far better served when you stop contemplating "personal growth" and other abstractions and be out there doing, be out there contributing to others in small and large ways.  Doing concrete things.  That to me is what really spurs personal growth.  

The final thing that helps me a lot is reading.  I read a lot and focus on reading actual books and magazines.  I read fiction and non-fiction, literary and high level and some fluffier stuff.  I read every day.  I often gain different perspectives this way. 

For example right now I'm reading about an African American artist.  Yesterday I read about election audits related to the 2020 election in the USA and I also read to my son a young adult novel about a boy struggling with his personal growth.  A few months ago I read about women who were pilots in the early 20th century.  It also helps me be more well rounded.  And if you're more well rounded then you will attract others who are.  More well rounded people with broad experiences are going to help you be more balanced with the too hard/too lenient thing.  And so on.

[Rose Mosse]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Doing concrete things.  That to me is what really spurs personal growth.  

Yes, exactly this. Naturally your world will also open up and you'll be encouraged to think of things in new ways or form opinions of your own without focusing so much on what others think of you. You'll also be able to mix around with your peers actively doing things and engaging in events/matters/issues that are important to you and figure out where you stand by listening to others. 

Self-checking is healthy, listening to others and learning from different perspectives helps. Forming your own thoughts and finding your purpose in tandem is just as important. Good luck.

[Cherylyn]

Dynamics depend upon whom you're engaging with.  I'm rather generic, civil and "blah" towards strangers or casual acquaintances.  With friends, I can be more honest while remaining very respectful, well mannered and infusing some intelligent humor if appropriate.  With some relatives and in-laws, I err on the side of caution by treading lightly due to negative, painful past experiences.  With my immediate family (husband and sons), I'm candid yet respectful, kind, compassionate, insert some intelligent humor if timing is appropriate, helpful and being myself in that way. 

With everyone, I'm respectful and try my best to remain humble while I carve out my own boundaries with them.  This is how I take personal responsibility for myself.  I dole out what I can and am willing to give of myself while retaining a sense of self.  You learn to strike a balance from many years of a lifetime of trial and error.  You learn to navigate yourself regarding what to say, what not to say, what to write and not write based upon your experiences both good and bad.  You become more shrewd for your soul's survival's sake. 

I also take personal responsibility when I know I've made a mistake, blunder or hurt someone's feelings.  I take responsibility, feel remorse, deep regrets and sincerely apologize.  Usually, I'm forgiven, we make amends and all is well.  Fortunately, those incidences are few and far between.  I don't make it a habit to repeat preventable mistakes.  I don't chronically apologize otherwise people become disgusted and know that a person is hopelessly flawed and trust is dead.  

For those who've wronged me sorely and never cared to admit nor apologize, (or habitually gaslight me) in my mind, I'm done with them because you can't change ignorance.  If I must cross paths with them and they're unavoidable, my boundaries are more severe, extreme, stricter, steadfast and permanently unwavering.  If I can avoid them permanently, that's what I do.  I no longer invest in the relationship because they're simply a waste of my precious time and energy. 

It's not that complicated.  It all boils down to character.  It people behave honorably, then I give them the same courtesy for fair balance.  If they're not decent human beings, then it's a real deal breaker and I'm out.   

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I don't chronically apologize otherwise people become disgusted and know that a person is hopelessly flawed and trust is dead.  

I think this is an important point as one might think the chronic apologizer is hard on herself but actually she might just be self-absorbed- not apologetic in reality just going through the motions.

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think this is an important point as one might think the chronic apologizer is hard on herself but actually she might just be self-absorbed- not apologetic in reality just going through the motions.

A chronic apologizer tends to repeat same offenses endlessly.  Therefore, there are no changes for self improvement and their apologies are insincere. 

I've also known several people who are very narcissistic, arrogant, prideful and egotistical.  They'll never admit fault nor apologize in a million years.  I've since disconnected those perpetrators whether electronically or in person.  Good bye and good riddance!

It's a waste of energy, resources and time to force bad relationships to work.  I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

A chronic apologizer tends to repeat same offenses endlessly.  Therefore, there are no changes for self improvement and their apologies are insincere. 

I've also known several people who are very narcissistic, arrogant, prideful and egotistical.  They'll never admit fault nor apologize in a million years.  I've since disconnected those perpetrators whether electronically or in person.  Good bye and good riddance!

It's a waste of energy, resources and time to force bad relationships to work.  I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way.

I think saying sorry as a sort of throwaway is fine -l say sorry to the wall when I bump into it but the dramatic overdoing it doesn't mean the person is actually remorseful.  To the OP's point - maybe your friends who say you're too hard on yourself might be commenting on things you say to sort of beat yourself up?  Because overdramatizing often means you don't actually know what you've done that you can improve upon while being more specific can lead to growth.  

[Cherylyn]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think saying sorry as a sort of throwaway is fine -l say sorry to the wall when I bump into it but the dramatic overdoing it doesn't mean the person is actually remorseful.  To the OP's point - maybe your friends who say you're too hard on yourself might be commenting on things you say to sort of beat yourself up?  Because overdramatizing often means you don't actually know what you've done that you can improve upon while being more specific can lead to growth.  

I agree.  Repetitive apologies are not believable.  It makes you wonder when the next apology is coming and after a while, it's just hot air.  It means nothing.

To OP, don't fixate on what other people think of you.  Stay true to yourself and as long as you know you're a good person deep within your bones, it's good enough.  Friends who nit pick your semantics and / or everything you do wrong in their eyes are the type of friends who either need to be released or replaced. 

Don't complicate your life unnecessarily.  Keep it simple and you'll feel secure and content. 

[catfeeder]

On 9/10/2021 at 11:45 AM, Mets6986 said:

I know both are bad so how do I or anyone for that matter strike the balance of being self compassionate but also taking personal responsibility?

How about not viewing any of it as 'bad,' but rather, what if its all just part of learning?

When we can get 'okay' with that, then taking personal responsibility for any time we miss a mark is not such a big deal. 

Self-forgiveness is not the same thing a over-looking an error. Self forgiveness teaches us how to be compassionate even while we recognize and learn important things, while the best byproduct becomes an automatic compassion and forgiveness toward others.

This is an uplifting cycle, because we become less likely to turn defensive and give others the impression that we don't CARE when we make a mistake, especially if it hurts them.

We also avoid the other extreme--beating ourselves up--which actually comes off as narcissistic, because it makes everything all about ME and MY flaws.

The 'balance' is a recognition that I messed up, and I'm really sorry--and I get it to the point where I can promise that I will never do that to YOU, or myself, ever again.

So balance  is stepping outside of being ME-centric. It's learning to embrace human fallibility to the degree that it's okay to admit faults, it's natural to apologize, but it's about helping ourselves AND OTHERS to feel better rather than drilling into a downward spiral that makes ourselves AND OTHERS feel lousy.

Head high, and write more if it helps.