Please help me understanding feeling uncomfortable doing what partner asks

[anon11]

My partner is typically closed and rarely asks for help. Both our lives are busy, and we sometimes struggle to find time to complete our commitments. We planned to go to a family dinner together, but my partner asked me to write their university assignment one hour before while they continued to catch up with their lectures. I initially said no, I am uncomfortable writing their assignment, especially if I had no input from them because I would feel responsible if the assignment mark was not high enough. After discussion, I explained this to them, but they expressed they would take full responsibility for this regardless of the outcome. 

I changed my request to ask for some direction from them in the form of some "dot points" that can help to seed the assignment. They complained that they were to do this, it will take them just as much time to write the assignment themselves. The discussions broke down to the point where they lost faith in my ability to support them in times of need, and they expressed that if I could not do a task like this one, how could I support them in tasks of greater magnitude. My partner feels hurt that they exposed themselves to be vulnerable enough to ask for help with something and hurt that they felt too defensive when I asked for additional conditions for the task. The one-hour interval that we had before the family dinner disappeared, and we went to the family dinner even though I said I was happy to ask to postpone. We came back from dinner around 8 pm, and my partner refused to allow me to assist with the assignment (due at midnight) because the advantage of me assisting before the dinner has now been lost because their goal was to be at the dinner and not feel stressed by having to complete the assignment. They expressed they had lost faith in my ability to help when they needed it.
I told my partner that I was sorry that I was so defensive to their request and that I will try to be more willing to understand the exposure they place on themselves when they reach out and ask for help. My partner asked how many times they needed to accept my apologies and asked for a commitment from me to see a therapist about my defensiveness to their demands.

The above discussion has added to my feelings of not feeling comfortable saying no to my partner (like writing their assignment). When I explained this, my partner said I was not on "the journey of life with them" and that they would do the same for me if I had asked them. Would you please help me understand how to balance what I think is reasonable and express myself better?

[Wiseman2]

Just say no to unseemly punting of work that needs to be done by him. You need to reexamine being with a bully and cheater like this.

Asking someone else to write your essay is a form of plagiarism and cheating. Plagiarism or copying someone's work without crediting them is considered as a serious kind of crime. Colleges and universities have strict rules against it.

[LoveConquersAll]

Hi @anon11 🙂

For next time, rather than spending too much time discussing these things, maybe skip the family dinner and help them out straight away? Or call family, tell them you'll be a little bit late to dinner? What do you think?

[Kwothe28]

I think in this particular instant, you are being used and manipulated. He/she wanted you to do their assignment just so they could be "mentally ready" for dinner, after you felt uncomfortable, he/she resorted to being pissy at you because you wouldnt do it and even tried manipulation like "I would do that for you", "I asked for help and you refused", "You should speak to therapist about your defensivness" etc. So basically conditioning you that next time it happens you would actually do it. Beware of people like that. You are as useful to them as long as you are helpful. First time you say "No", this happens and you are being discarded because you are no longer being useful to them. So, learn to say "No". You are in no obligation to do their assignment and if you are uncomfortable you shouldnt do it. Nobody should take advantage of you, if you want to help OK, if you cant or wont, its well within your rights to say "No". They are free to be pissy about that, it just shows their true face.

[MissCanuck]

You are being manipulated, OP. 

It is not your responsibility to do their schoolwork for them - nor should it be twisted around and held against you if you refuse. What is the reason this person is unable to manage their own couseload? 

1 hour ago, anon11 said:

my partner said I was not on "the journey of life with them"

Hogwash. What dramatics. 

Is your partner normally irresponsible and manipulative like this?

[LaHermes]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Hogwash. What dramatics. 

Yes. Couldn't have said it better, Ms.C.