danimal77 Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Fantasia, glad I am intruging you...Every situation is different, but human nature is human nature and there is no getting around that. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Sorry Hope, I had no idea that was your real name. Very nice name by the way l Haha, thanks. It's ironic that is was my mantra for awhile too. I think we may be talking apples and oranges here. I didn't say you were saying that by having hope she had to sit and wait for J. What I am saying that for this specific situation, Gradle, by holding onto hope that J is coming back, is paralyzed in her life and hasn't been able to move forward or see past a life without J. It's really damaging to her self esteem and ability to even get through the day. I think if she can truly learn to be self fulfulled and happy with her life as is, without J, than it's fine for her to have some hope that he comes back. The trouble is when the hope stops her from doing things and makes her question everything she does,wondering if the consequences of her actions will affect her chance to get J back in some way, and having this hope distorts her reality and perspective, and thereforeeee not moving forward makes her feel like a doormat. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Hi Gradle, What are your plans for the weekend? Link to comment
gradle Posted June 10, 2005 Author Share Posted June 10, 2005 hi all, sorry i've been kind of quiet today...it's just been insane at work and i've just been emotional.... i don't know, i just needed to think... i know all of you want me to just get over j, but i can't, i'm not ready to...i love this man so much, and i'm not going to be desperate and begging, i'm determined to stop that, and i believe that i have started to stop. but i'm not ready to just get up and move on. he is the person that i consider the love of my life, and i can't just let him go....i realize that these emotions are paralyzing, and i realize that he needs space... but i can't accept the fact he can look at me and all of my qualities, at our past, and my devotion and tell me i'm not worth it...i do believe that so much of this has to do with his pride, that he was rash ... i do believe that he needs his space, but i can't believe that he just wants rid of me...i can see it in his eyes when i see him, his voice when i talk to him, and even in his words when he's typing, i can tell that he's missing me....but i know that i can't do anything until he actually says something. i know that i have to work on being myself again, i have to love and respect myself more....and i even have a tougher task in front of me if j and i ever do get back together...being myself in us.... but this is a man that i love dearly, and if letting him find himself is what he really truly needs, then i can do that, that's part of what true, genuine love is. but don't ask me to just get up and move on.....i can't, i know that... i don't want to play games, i'm 24 years old and years past that... i appreciate all of your advice, and i really try and take it to heart, i've learned a lot about myself from your words.....i know many people have been where i am now, and have a lot of positive input on it....please, i just need your support, even if i am just wanting to get him back in my life, or even if i do decide one day that this is just an impossible task...i truly believe that j and i are in different places right now, but i know when things are more similar, it would work out.... as for what im doing this weekend...hmmm, i'm thinking the bar looks good, i'll be seeing a lot of boston bars,.... Link to comment
danimal77 Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Gradle, I never said to get over J. NOT ONCE did I say that.... If you need some help Gradle, PM me and I'll offer you some more personal advice. Dan Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 he is the person that i consider the love of my life, and i can't just let him go....i realize that these emotions are paralyzing, and i realize that he needs space... but i can't accept the fact he can look at me and all of my qualities, at our past, and my devotion and tell me i'm not worth it. Gradle, I think the harder part of this is not that you aren't letting J go even though he has let you go, I think it's that every action you take, you take with him in mind. You fear what he'll think if you go out with a guy friend, you fear what he thinks when he reads you away message. Not only that, you are a basket case when he doesn't call you for a few days, it's a mess. My worry here is that you don't think you are a whole person anymore now that J has left. Do you feel this way? (because it is not true). What J thinks of you does not determine what you are worth. Even if he decided that he doesn't want you back doesn't mean you aren't worth everything, he just might not be able to see it. I realize that you are not going to accept this breakup over night. You are extremely stubborn... and I know you are hurting, but I want you to think about how long it's been since he left. A month or so, right? A month that you've lived in limbo. That everything you have done is either to force yourself to try and not think of him, or to "prove" to him that you can be what he wants. How much of this month has been for you? Your well being? I don't for a minute think he has stopped caring for you. You say you can see it when you talk to him, etc. That may be the case, but that doesn't mean he feels like you guys can work it out. People can love each other but still know that it wasn't working for them and that they don't want to be with that person. It's torture to listen to your pain day after day when he doesn 't take you back, and you continue to blame yourself for the breakup. I am not trying to tell you that J is never coming back. He may, and he may not. No one really knows that but him. It's sweet that you are holding on so tightly, but not realistic. Two people need to want it to work to make it work. No matter how much might you have regarding this, it will never be enough if J doesn't want it too. My biggest fear, I think, is he takes you back, and you've learned nothing, changed nothing, and will be content to be entirely dependant on him for happiness, and then in 2 months or 5 months or whenever he will feel smothered all over again break up again and then what? No one is asking you to play games here. What we are saying to you is that if you are going to live here you need to start taking care of yourself. You are the only one watching out for you. The one you care for so much abandoned you. It's up to you to pick up the pieces. I just wonder, how long will you let yourself hang here, until you've had enough? Link to comment
Mun Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Listen Gradle, He won't forget about you just like that...but right now he doesn't want to be with you. Whether you accept that or not is something else. The bottom line is he broke up with you because he doesn't want to be with you right now. I'm sorry and I know that hurts, but sometimes you have to take a hard look at the facts and act accordingly. Right now it is in your best interests to shift your focus back to YOU. To live for you and heal yourself. Like Hope said, if you haven't learned how to be ok by yourself then as soon as you get back together you will go back to smothering him. You don't want that girl. You want to change those things that drove him away...you should use this time to grow as a person. To be more independent and self-confident. Everything should not be about him. You matter too and what YOU want and how YOU feel. I know you aren't ready to heal or move on just hang in there girl. ~~~ From He's Just Not That Into You : " Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you... Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. " Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 Gradle, I know its difficult to accept, and you don't need to accept it now - but you do need to accept it - he doesnt want to be with you right now. You know the reasons you split up, and you need to become independent once more. You don't need to do this for J, more importantly, you need to do this for you. How was life before you met J? You managed well before you met him, and you can do that again. When you become more independent, you'll feel better about yourself, and perhaps J will see what he's missing. But you need to stop tiptoeing around what he wants - he said he didnt want you, and he has to live with that now. You can do this Link to comment
gradle Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 hi all, thanks for all of the replies...i appreciate your help despite my stubborness i went out last night and had a ton of fun...too much, i woke up on my friends' couch with the worst hangover of my life way to go me!. and i danced all night with one my friends and that was so much fun.... i guess in addition to the hangover, i'm really having a rough day...i'm missing him so much and i wish i knew what were going through his head and his heart....i know i might never know... but i can still wish. i am living my life though...i'm going out a ton, and i'm even flying to the beach with my friends next weekend...i know that i don't feel whole without j, which is a huge indication that i'm not ready to be in a serious relationship... i know i don't feel whole, because i know that the last month sometimes i really feel a little "nuts"....i know that i've been crazy and obssessed lately, but i believe that that is normal behaviour after a situation like this. but even now, i just break down out of almost nowhere and get so sad...i wish i knew how he were and how he was doing, i realize that he doesn't want me to know right now, but that's just really hard to accept...he hasn't talked to me since wednesday and i hurt so much because of that... it was triggered today wehn i went adn bought an 80 lb air conditioner and had such a tough time bringing it home....i know he would have helped... and the guy i hung out with on tues called and wanted to go out to dinner, and he offered to help, but i didn't want him, i wanted j....so i just did it all myself, a formidable task for someone who is just over 100 lb. don't you see, i know i can make do with out j, even before i met him (which was when i was 18) i was ok, doing my own thing, working really hard for school and then once i entered college and met him, before anything happened with us, i just always thought about him....i have always made myself so available to him, until about 4 years ago, wehn he hurt my feeligns so badly, and i cut him off completely for over a year...and then he came back in full force.... i miss this boy, and i don't want to let him go again, i want him to feel free and independent and do what he loves, i don't think that i ever kept him from doing the things he loved...maybe he didn't feel so free and independent b/c he had me around, but if i jsut knew how much he needed that i could have backed off, i woudl have, i had even started to, i had started living my own life more, maybe too little too late, but then he just let me go.... i'm just so sad, and i know these feelings of wanting him back in my life are emotionally paralyzing and i know that almost everyone can tell how sad i am, just by my voice when they talk on the phone wiht me, or by looking at me, people just know... i know none of you really have an answer for me as to what is really going on with us, i know all you can do is try to help me out of this, try and encourage me to be my own person again, and i promise, i am trying....i just wish there were an easy formula to make him and me happy together...adn there's not, i realize, a quick and easy formula, but i'm just so sad.... Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Gradle - isn't it funny? This new guy wants to take you to dinner and wants to help you install your A/C. All the while, you couldn't care less about him. You don't want to be in a relationship with him. You are pleasantly indifferent towards him. He knows that he can't have you, he doesn't feel like you're emotionally attached to him and you are driving him wild. He is working hard to win you over. Meanwhile - you are crazy for J, he knows it, but doesn't care. What you have to do is reverse things. Chase after the new guy and give J the cold shoulder - be completely indifferent towards him. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 12, 2005 Author Share Posted June 12, 2005 i know, thank you annie! that's what i need to hear i appreciate your input Link to comment
xymox Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Hi gradle, how are you doing? I know how hard this all must be for you. I know the feeling of wondering what your ex is up to, who they are with. I'm slowly getting past thinking those thoughts. I realize that is not going to help me at all in getting over my ex. You should keep doing what you're doing. Go out, meet people. I know that it might make you miss your ex even more. I have the same problem, when I am around other guys I miss my ex alot and wish they were him. But I do know that this isn't healthy. The more people you meet, the more likely you will end up finding someone else that you like. I understand you probably don't want to have to find someone else but it really is the best thing to do right now. Your ex may or may not come back, time will tell. Until then though, you have to try to keep busy as much as you can. Stay positive, if you and J are meant to be you will end up back in each others lives. If you're not ready to date, then don't. What I'm trying to do is make new guy friends. Relationships usually start out with people being friends. That didn't happen in my case when I met my ex but I've learned alot. Take care of yourself for now. PM me if you need to. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Hi Gradle, Just wanted to check in.... Annie has some great advice as always....funny how if you turn the tables the guy is chasing you. While I agree with you that grieving is definitely a normal, healthy part of going through a break up, what you are experiencing is quite a bit more severe than what is normal. I still wonder if it might be a good idea for you to talk to a counselour about your feelings, and get some perpective and possible suggestions from an objective professional. What do you think? I was also thinking about you leaving for you job in a few months, and J taking off for a year also. This might be a very big year for you, and spending it on your own, getting to know the new city and making new friends, I think it is all going to be really good for you and help you to be able to let J go and move forward. I'm glad you had such a good time dancing with your friends last night, you are at least forcing yourself to go through the motions and I think that is good. Hang in, you got your AC, now you can *chill*! Hope Link to comment
scorchio Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 reading all your posts, helping each other is very comfarting for me. I split up from ex 2 months ago (she dumped me), been finding it hard, she has NC/blanked me since, ive tried no contact, but still nothing.......................................... want her back lots, getting stronger, BUT OUCH when will she get in contact .................. miss her nd her daughter alot Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Gradle, How are you doing now? How was the rest of your weekend? Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 hi all... i'm doing alright, my weekend was pretty decent...i was so hungover yesterday but i managed to make it to my friends house last night and hung out with them... and then today i woke up and got a lot done, i was pretty productive...and i even went out with that guy that took me out on tuesday for dinner, and it was alright, i think he might be realizing that i'm just not ready for a relationship. but, i've had a tough time too, i had a little break down yesterday, and j's away message didn't change all night and i was worried that i don't know, something was up, and i'm worried a little.... i know you guys are going to hate me, but i think i've decided that for his bday i'm going to call him and drop off his birthday card in person, just so i can see how he's doing, i realize that he might not want me to see what's going on, but i just feel like its' something i have to do..., his birthday is next thursday, so i was goign to do it next sun or mon, so not to interfere with any plans he might have... i know you guys are gonig to try and convinc me out of it, and maybe when he contacts me beforehand something'll happen and my mind will change, but right now i just feel like it's something i need to do. and that i need to be able to see him and keep myself together...almost as a test to me, and yes, probably to show him how well i've been doing without him...yes, i knwo you probably think that i'm a wreck, but i really have gotten a lot better.... i don't know, how were all of your weekends? Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 by the way, i just wanted all of you to know, that despite my stubborness regarding thsi situation, i really appreciate all of the help and support i've received from everyone on this site.... please realize, that whether or not i follow all of your advice, it is heard and i do think about it, i think sometimes people have to make their own mistakes to really learn, and i'm probably doing that now, even though i hope to god that these feelings and my actions right now are not a mistake.... anyways, thank you all, i really do appreciate it Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Hey gradle, Glad you've been having a better time. I don't think its such a bad idea getting him a card, but don't drop it to him personally. Post it He might not be prepared for you turning up on his doorstep just yet, and might have something else planned. But sending him a card, a plain, simple birthday message is a good, friendly thing to do. Just be prepared for him not to have much reaction to it, and don't get upset if this happens Link to comment
Mun Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Hi gradle, In reading your post I thought one thing. It's too bad your birthday didn't come up first and you could check HIS actions and act accordingly. I wonder how many times, in the history of break ups, this has been a good idea and had good results. I'm not being funny.... I really do wonder. Does anyone out there have any good stories to tell? Gradle I think you're right about having to make your own mistakes before you can learn. There are some lessons that just don't sink in unless they are accompanied by tears, disappointment and/or remorse. I hope you are prepared to handle whatever may come of this whether good or bad. We'll still be here for you. Nobody hates you. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 HI gradle, Muneca is right. While I do not think it is a good idea for you to take the card to him I understand that what we are saying might not be enough to sink in for you, and you have to see for yourself. I do hope that you are ready for whatever consequences should arise though, good or bad, as Muneca said. There's a thread on here that I think you should read, when you get a chance: link removed Tryingtobestrong has some very good advice and she went through a very tough time and it's 6 months later and she is still shaking it off, I think you could learn something from her posts. Please do keep us updated and don't be afraid to post because you think we won't agree with you. That will happen, but we will still be willing to listen to you and try to help any way that we can. Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I wonder how many times, in the history of break ups, this has been a good idea and had good results. I'm not being funny.... I really do wonder. Does anyone out there have any good stories to tell? I agree muneca. I've tried sending exes b-day cards... and it didn't lead to any results other than "Thanks!" They didn't even bother to send me a card for my birthday... well, actually, one did, but he got the day wrong. Oh yea, and it wasn't a real paper card. It was an e-card. On the wrong day. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I think that's why she is going to his house, in an attempt to force him to react in some way, be it guilt, or obligation. It's harder to ignore someone's attempted act of kindness or manipulation if they are right there in front of your face. Personally, if my ex just showed up at my house, I'd pretend I wasn't home. ( because I hate it if people just show up without calling first. It's a big pet peeve of mine, and also because he wants space and she is still forcing it.) She has to learn this her own way, and no on is going to stop her. We've all given her what we felt was wise advice, and she will do as she wishes, and hopefully, come back and keep us updated. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 Hi all, don't worry, i plan on calling before i stop by there, just so i can gage his reaction and be prepared... So I broke down last night and called him… and we just talked, and it went well, I didn't bring us up at all. I just told him I called to see how he was doing. He just sounds so down all the time… he says he hates his work and what he's doing, he says he's not feeling down, but just so confused with what he's supposed to be doing as far as school and work… I don't think I'm the reason he's unhappy and I don't understand.. he says he's just been really bored lately, that nothing really is going on… He just sounds unhappy. I tried to be as cheerful as I could and we joked around a lot and it was nice… And I got into work today and one of my coworkers told me that if we've been broken up for a month j has probably already slept with someone else…is this true? The j I know wouldn't do that, he claimed last time I asked him that there was no one. But now I'm questioning everything and now I'm desperate to know. I'm just so upset all of a sudden.. I don't understand any of this. I'm thinking of calling one of our mutual friends and asking her if she knows anything, if she's seen anything. i know this is a bad idea, but I'm feeling so desperate to know Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 yup yup yup - you know the answer to this one. BAAD idea. Your co-worker is stupid. Slap her for me, will you? Why is she saying stuff like this to you? Who knows if J has had relations with someone new. He may have, he may not have. It doesn't really matter - it's not your business anyway. And besides - info from 3rd parties is not reliable anyways. People will lie, one way or another, to have you think what they want you to believe. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now