please, i really need help. i love my ex more than anything

[DN]

i feel like j not talking to me is almost like a test of wills, to see who can hold out longer. i really don't think that this what he wants....

 

Gradle: sorry, but it is not a good idea to assume what he may be thinking or what he wants. You can only be reasonably sure of what somebody wants by what they say and, more importantly, by what they do. You are in danger of giving yourself false hope and you should really be deciding your future and your actions by what you know for sure.

[Liquidius]

If he isnt talking to you, he isnt doing it for a reason. Don't give yourself false hope, it'll make you feel worse. You need to keep telling yourself that this is what he wants, otherwise he wouldnt be doing it - even if that isnt true

[Mun]

i feel like j not talking to me is almost like a test of wills, to see who can hold out longer. i really don't think that this what he wants....

 

I remember thinking something along these lines in my own experience. Even if I'd been right, it still didn't turn out too well when I contacted him...somehow he always managed to make me feel worst.

 

You must behave with utmost respect for yourself. Tell yourself this: he broke up with me, he does not deserve a phone call, he hurt me and broke my heart, I must be strong. He will respect me if I behave with dignity, but most important I will respect myself.

 

I don't want to give you hope, but I will tell you this. If there is any shred of feeling left in him for you then you must not go looking for him. If you do then you present yourself as a pathetic girl who does not have much dignity ( note: he broke up with you). You can't do that. He already thinks you are too dependent--prove how wrong he is by being aloof and indifferent.

 

Girl, you need to get angry.

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

i feel like j not talking to me is almost like a test of wills, to see who can hold out longer. i really don't think that this what he wants..

 

I don't think this is a game for him, or a test of wills. He ended the relationship because he needed some space from you. He is taking it, and you should do the same.

 

Listen to what Muneca says, she is absolutely correct. If you go looking for him now you will just prove to him how dependant and needy you are, and that's the very reason he left you. If you are aloof and strong, you may prove that this isn't the case.

 

Don't do it Gradle!

 

Be strong!!

[gradle]

ok, so major news?

i know that you guys don't want me too keep my hopes up, but, j just IMed me....

things were going pretty well, we chatted about nothing really, i guess sinc'e he's been back in boston he hasn't been doing too much...so i've been keeping busier than him...

but i asked him if he had been finding himself

he says yes, somewhat....

then he says that "we have a long life ahead"

"and so what's a summer, or even a year"

he said that "we just need to find balance again, and sometimes you ahve to force it, so I'm sorry"

i said someting like

"we'll find our balance and then we'll be okay"

and he says"i don't plan anything, but we'll see, i don't not plan anything either."

 

so you see my confusion? i know what you guys are going to say, to move on, to let him go, but god i miss him so much...the conversation went well. i told him i wasn't going to beg him to come bakc, he should come back because he likes spending time with me, and that i've learned that i am a really fun person that people like to spend time with.

 

he says that none of our problems weren't fixable, that we just needed to find balance, and it's much better to do it this way, for him..

 

i was being pretty good, until i asked if there were other girls, he just said no, there were no other girls.... but i didn't beg, didn't do anything crzy, didn't blame myself for that much....

what are your thoughts?

[DN]

OK, since you are obviously going to talk to him despite our advice - do it as sensibly as possible. Never, ever, be the first to initiate contact. Don't talk relationship stuff unless he does. Never beg or plead. Make sure you keep it light. And be careful, because you are risking your heart.

 

I still think you are better not talking to him at all.

[Hope75]

Hi Gradle,

i told him i wasn't going to beg him to come bakc, he should come back because he likes spending time with me, and that i've learned that i am a really fun person that people like to spend time with.

 

I think overall you did really well for yourself. See? You did not chase him, you kept yourself under control for a few days and he came to you. Did we not tell you? (I am proud.....*pats gradle on back*)

 

I don't know what he means by the conversation. It sounds like he hasn't ruled out a reconciliation, but that he isn't anywhere near ready to think about it. I think he really wants you to learn to be more independent and happy on your own before he even thinks about it. If you think about it, it's really been unhealthy, how dependant you've been on him for all your happiness.

 

I think if you play it cool and keep on trying to fill your life with other activities, it will be good for you and help continue to teach you to find happiness on your own. I don't want to give you false hope, he may not come back, but if you learn how to be a complete, happy person without him, who knows what may happen? and you know what? Once you've learned, it won't really matter to you anymore if he comes back. You will be happy anyway.

 

Good job, Gradle! (and follow DN's advice above!)

[annie24]

Alrighty - Here is an excerpt from one of my favorite books, "He's just not that into you." (And gradle - if you haven't read it, go out and get it!) This is from the chapter: "He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you: 'I don't want to go out with you' means just that.

 

Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore, his sad, wistful "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresisitable. But resist you mst. If he's not calling you to tell you he hired a U-haul to come pick up all your stuff and move it back into his house, then consider yourself a nice, downy pillow cushioning him from his feelings of loneliness and loss that he's not fully ready to deal with on his own.

[gradle]

thanks hope,

i know you don't want to give me false hope, but i can't help it, i know he might jsut be stringing me along. but i just love this man so much, and iknow that the way he's been acting isn't the normal j, it's a confused and angry j, who was tired of me depending on him and scared of committment...

i really do want to be the independent girl i was, but i'd love him to join me....and i'm working on it, i don't think i'm being that awful, it might be slow, painful, but getting there...i was really down today thinking how he could go so long without talking to me....but now i think it's really cause i've been keeping myself so damn busy so that i don't have to think about it and it also has kept him from contactin me, (he usually calls when i'm not idle on IM) so he knows im at home and available.... which is probably a good thing, that i've been a littl ebit unavailable... it also feels awfully good that i've been having more fun than he has (or keeping busier than he has)

[gradle]

ugh, i liked the other message better....

[Mun]

Hi gradle,

Not too bad. Great that he imed you and not you to him...excellent. Try to stop yourself from asking if there are other girls. I know you are dying to know, but I don't think it's a good idea.

 

My advice is...keep giving him space. Just like he reached out today, he could again in the future.... I bet if you had kept calling and doing all kinds of insane things he would not have messaged you--maybe even blocked you.

 

Keeping your distance shows the other person that you respect yourself and won't grovel for attention--such a turn off . If they want to contact you they will and it's easier when you behave sensibly because they don't feel as though they have to "protect" themselves from you. Pay attention to what works...and keep doing that.

 

There is no guarantee that things will work out, but you want to give yourself the best possible results... at the very least that he does not believe you are a crazy, stalking ex gf.

 

NC gives you back your dignity.

 

I hope you can relax a bit more now that you have had some contact with him. I know how it feels to miss someone so bad.

[Hope75]

The other posters are just trying to keep your head on straight, Gradle. I feel like all I do is yell at you to stop it! I wanted to commend you for at least trying to restrain yourself by not calling him.

 

iknow that the way he's been acting isn't the normal j, it's a confused and angry j, who was tired of me depending on him and scared of committment...

 

This is the J that made a choice and has had alot of time in the past month to think about it and is still standing by the choice not to be with you, so don't forget that OK? It's a bitter pill to swallow but you need to accept and understand that J had reasons other than confusion for leaving you, and this is his choice.

i really do want to be the independent girl i was, but i'd love him to join me....and i'm working on it,

 

You know you are not the independent girl you may have been yet... It's dripping all over your posts still how desperate you are to be with him. Keep working at it. The concert last night was a first step. You need to become independent without J. At this point his presense would only hurt your chance to learn to be independent. You need this time away from him to learn.

 

The day you are able to say to yourself and to us, "Gee, you know, my life is pretty full and sweet right now. J lost a great thing, but if he never comes back, that's OK, because I deserve someone who wants to be with me, and I am worth it."

 

That day will come, you just have to stick to it and keep trying.

[gradle]

yes, i think i will do just that, continue to give him space, keep having fun, and hope that he'll come around,

i realize it won't be immediate....it will take time, but i do want watch out for myself... i want ot know he's not just out there looking for something better....he said that's not what he wanted. that he just wanted to be single for awhile and grow as a person..., so i'm hoping that's his true intention, to grow as j...anyways, who's better than me ....

so i know i shouldn't ask him about other girls, and no, i don't really think that there are any other girls, but for some reason i can't help but ask...

[DN]

gradle - for someone as in love with someone as much as you are, you are actually doing fairly well. You will be tempted to do all sorts of things - but before you do them - get on here first for a reality check and one or more of us will help you.

 

You are a brave woman - and you can do really well with or without him.

[gradle]

I was talking to one of my friends this morning about what j had been saying, and she said I should ask if I should start dating other people…or if he and I should just "date"…. Right after j and I had broken up and we were talking, I was telling him how I was upset not only that I was losing him, but that I felt like I was losing all the people I had hung out with all year, and he said, well why don't you hang out with t, and I told him that t had hit on me and told me that he would be happy to take j's place (well I didn't tell him the last part)….

J looked like he'd gotten punched in the stomach….he started bawling…. And then he just turned away…

Personally, I'd rather wait and see how things turn out.. j said he hasn't been doing much, just watching tv and reading….i don't think there's another girl, and I think he gets upset that I'm out a lot… he was trying to see what I had been up to… and I avoided the question all together….

I don't think I should bring up the "dating" aspect, at least not until j mentions that he wants to spend some time with me, or see me or something….

It's just hard because I know what you guys have been telling me, but some of my friends tell me to do things differently, like to try my hardest to get him back, or to wait, or to play games….they say its' just a silly phase that he'll grow out of…

I mean, I want him to take his time and think, but I don't want him to continue hurting me…I love him very much and want him to be more sure of us, but I don't want to be a doormat…

Maybe my problem is that I haven't yet gotten angry…

[danimal77]

I'm sorry to break this to you Gradle, but after having read what you just wrote, I felt like you were describing situations and events through a teenagers eyes....

 

You are 24 years old...The advice your friends are giving you is VERY juvenile and immature. I don't know what kind of a relationship you are looking to have, but you have to stop idolizing this guy J, because that's how you are coming accross.

 

If you want to date, then date. Don't do it as a result of what J will think or won't....You are not living your own life. You are living J's life and doing EVERYTHING for him....I wasn't going to agree with the other posters until now, about you obsessing over him, but you are doing just that....

 

I know I am coming accross harsh, but I just read what you wrote and then I couldn't believe you were only 3 years younger than me...

 

Listen, have some self-respect and STOP trying to fix this with all of these QUICK FIXES....You are not acting like your own person now. With your current attitude you have no chance of not only getting J back, but you will not become your own person.....

 

If you want to play games, I will warn you that it WILL come back to you eventually. Take the mature and responsible route and respect HIM and yourself and don't DEMAND answers. Take care of yourself and do what's best for you and what you are doing now, is not what is best for you. It is what is holding you back and perhaps any future potential you may have with him.

 

Dan

[Liquidius]

I'm sorry to break this to you Gradle, but after having read what you just wrote, I felt like you were describing situations and events through a teenagers eyes....

 

You are 24 years old...

 

Thats a little unfair on some of the posters who give good advice on these forums.

 

But I have to agree, even though I am only 18. You need to go and be your own person - please go and be your own person.

[danimal77]

I didn't mean to knock teenagers on this board, but Gradles words are not those of a grown woman who is thinking logically, responsibly and who has respect for herself...

 

Talk of making him jealous and doing this because it will get to him is not something you would or should expect from someone at the age of 24...I hope you realize this Gradle. If J is the same way, then perhaps it will work, because you too think alike, but if he is sensible and mature enough to appreciate you beginning to respect yourself and respecting him and the space her requires at this stage, then doing what you are planning on doing, will just make the situation worse in the long-run.

 

Again, sorry for knocking the younger particpants on this board. I do have to admit that many of the younger people on here (not saying I am old..lol) have given me very constructive advice in the past...

 

Gradle, part of you has to wake up to your reality, because all of these fantasies of idolizing him and worshipping him (that's how you are coming accross), is lowering your own self-worth and NO MAN will be turned on by that much insecurity. It repells rather than attracts...

 

I advise you stop checking his away messages and asking about him to his friend and just do your own thing for a while and I GUARANTEE you, you will be able to see things more clearly and will have developed a much needed emotional detachment that will be essential....

 

I hope I am getting through to you a little bit here Gradle...

 

Good luck,

 

Danimal

[Hope75]

I have to agree with Danimal here Gradle.

 

You do not need J's permission to date, and if you ask him it is just another roundabout way of trying to manipulate him into saying something you want to hear.

 

J has already told you not to wait around. He broke up with you. This is your permission to see whomever you choose.

 

If you want to start dating again go ahead and do it, it's your right as a single women. Danimal is right, you have to stop living for J and what J thinks. He broke up with you. You are a free agent, as is he.

 

Your friends seem to be giving you bad advice. You cannot "get" J back. You were not the one who decided it was over. He did. If you could miraculously make a relationship happen for the two of you with only your feelings, you would have already. It takes both you of to want to make it work to make it work. You know that.

 

If J wanted to date you, he would ask to date you. So far that hasn't happened.

I mean, I want him to take his time and think, but I don't want him to continue hurting me…I love him very much and want him to be more sure of us, but I don't want to be a doormat…

 

You are the one in control of this, Gradle. If you do not want to continue hurting, then accept that it's over and move on with your life. If you are tired of feeling like you are in limbo, cut off all ties with J and move on. You are the only one here making yourself into a doormat by waiting for J to decide if he wants to take you back. He told you not to wait around. Why are you waiting around if you've had enough?

[gradle]

whoa... i never said i had agreed to my friends ways of playing games....perhaps it comes accross as that way becasue i have been going out a lot... but i'd rather be going out than sitting at home being depressed about it. plus, i think that's part of dealign with situations like this. never did i tell j that i had been out with other men, especially because i think of these men as my friends and i dont' want him to take it the wrong way. i realize that my mindset is still one of someone who is tryign to get someone back rather than get over someone, but i have gotten over the stage of haggling him and begging him, my messages are not suggestive of someone who is dating anyone else...i am not trying to make him jealous, i'm trying to have fun, and if he has a problem iwth it, it's his own, although of course i do care, how can i not? i do not believe i am acting like a teenager, but i have been in love with this boy since i have been a teenager, so even if i do make mistakes, it's very possible it's just me just reverting back to old times.

i am giving him space, i am not bothering him, he's the one that freaks about my messages, i can't stop him from reading them, and they're in general not that bad, like when i went to the concert i wrote "fnx show", or last night when i went to the bar it was "doing stuff"....they are far from tryign to make him jealous

[danimal77]

Hope,

 

You had me and then you lost me when you said this: " If you do not want to continue hurting, then accept that it's over and move on with your life. If you are tired of feeling like you are in limbo, cut off all ties with J and move on."

 

I know you mean well Hope and are giving her the advice MOST would and that's the thing of following the norm...You are thinking in absolute terms hope and if that's the case, I advise you change your user name, because that my dear is not having hope ...

 

The reason why I don't agree with all of your comments is because there is always a chance for Hope to get back with J. We KNOW that J broke up with Gradle. We also probably know WHY. Now, with her current frame of mind, there isn't a hope in the world , to regain his interest, but more so, his respect for Gradle. Without respect, there can be NO feelings...I don't know if Gradle loves J and I'm sorry Gradle if this is harsh, but NO ONE can love someone, if they don't respect themselves first. That's not love. That's desperation sweetheart....and he KNOWS it and will continue to be confused. Snap out of your current state and watch him MAGICALLY become Un-confused.

 

Again, I am not a huge proponent of moving on completely, if you still have feelings for someone, even if they demostrate that they no longer do...

 

Take one day at a time Gradle and each day should be another day where you reclaim part of the woman that you lost and maybe, as a result of that, you have a chance of getting back with J, but that is not a guarantee....

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[Hope75]

I was talking to one of my friends this morning about what j had been saying, and she said I should ask if I should start dating other people…or if he and I should just "date"…. Right after j and I had broken up and we were talking, I was telling him how I was upset not only that I was losing him, but that I felt like I was losing all the people I had hung out with all year, and he said, well why don't you hang out with t, and I told him that t had hit on me and told me that he would be happy to take j's place (well I didn't tell him the last part)….

 

Personally I was talking specifically about this, that I do not think you should ask J about dating.

 

I don't think you are going out to make J jealous (well, maybe a little, since you've said something to that affect in the past) but I think you are doing pretty well keeping busy and not bugging him and that's a start.

[Hope75]

 

You had me and then you lost me when you said this: " If you do not want to continue hurting, then accept that it's over and move on with your life. If you are tired of feeling like you are in limbo, cut off all ties with J and move on."

 

I know you mean well Hope and are giving her the advice MOST would and that's the thing of following the norm...You are thinking in absolute terms hope and if that's the case, I advise you change your user name, because that my dear is not having hope ...

 

Danimal

 

Danimal,

 

Ironically enough, my actual name is Hope, it is not just my user name. I think it would be a tremendous effort to go to city hall and have it changed.

 

Having said that, what I am saying, is Gradle has a choice here. Of course she can choose to stay and wait for J and see if he comes back. By doing that, she can indeed have hope, but she also retains the feeling of being in limbo, being powerless, being a doormat. Every action she takes she wonders what J will think of it. Will he approve? Will he get jealous? Does it lessen the chance that he will come back? If she chooses to wait and agonize over J, she also holds onto all of the pain she continues to feel since right now, at least, he is not coming back.

 

If she chooses to walk away, she will not have to give up all hope that J is coming back, but she will have to realize that it is out of her hands and that right now it isn't happening, so she can either be a sitting duck and not date and not move on, or she can get out there, put J in the very back of her mind, date others, realize the potential her life has with or with out him in it, and live that life happily. If J happens to come back at a later time, she will be able to decide if she'd like him to add to her already satisying life, or if she doesn't want him to.

 

The power of choice is on her. Does that make more sense?

[danimal77]

Sorry Hope, I had no idea that was your real name. Very nice name by the way

 

You wrote this: "Of course she can choose to stay and wait for J and see if he comes back."

 

I NEVER said she should wait for J and see if he comes back...I encourage you to read some of my old posts Hope, because I never waited around. I got on with my life, but never lost sight of her. She was NOT on the forefront. When real progress is made, it is done with intentions of bettering ourselves and not done to win someone back, or over, because when that person comes back, that's great, but when if and when they leave, everything you've accomplished will come crashing down on you.

 

That is why I now advocate that true progress, happiness, strength, and independence comes from within and NO ONE can take that away from you and if Gradle achieves this and I'll Gradle, it's a LOOOOOONG journey. I've been at it for 3 years now and I finally understand...No, my ex is presently not in my life right now, but if I were to call her today, she would treat me with respect, because she sees me respecting her, but more importantly, she sees me respecting myself and taking care of my priorities: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! I NEVER understood this before. This last time my ex came back, would have lasted, if only I would have given myself more time to not only understand the changes in me, but to put them to practice for longer than 3 months...

 

I am grateful that we are not in each others life right now. I still love her dearly, but am more realistic and aware of myself today and I will NOT chase her, or try and convince her otherwise. Sometimes it's not in what we do, but what we don't. It's about restraint and patience and priorities....

 

All of this may be flying over your head right now Gradle. It would have flown over mind a year or 2 ago, but eventually it just makes sense.

 

Nothing is impossible in life. I have proven that time and time again, but now, I am proving to myself that I am worth fighting for this time around and my achieving success with or without her is my new objective and that too is not impossible...

 

Time will tell and yes, if I wanted to, I could contact her. I am in a position now to do so, but it will ultimately be up to me whether or not it will be good for both her and I at this stage....

 

That's it, that's all. I'm tired of typing....lol..

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[fantasia2004]

Again, I am not a huge proponent of moving on completely, if you still have feelings for someone, even if they demostrate that they no longer do...

 

Danimal-

No I am not taking your words personal I am intrigued by your level of maturity of the situation at hand.

 

Remember every situation is different