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The Old Letter To My Ex _________ .... (Let Just A Reminder Of What I've Healed From)


Timotheus
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Dear EX,

 

I have been thinking since the last time we ended things a few things… I’m okay with what’s what here is why I left you…

 

The Kids:

The first thing I noticed with you red flag was how you treated our kids. Especially, lily, your oldest. When she had a problem and you couldn’t deal with it, you totally went over the top. To the point where I saw you as a parent abuse her verbally, and/or physically. I watch you force her mouth close; I was there at the times you told her to “shut the *** up!!!” I know you don’t recall that, but you totally did it on the way to target one time. When it came to watching your kids, my best efforts were not appreciated at all. No matter how okay the kids where, if it didn’t follow your standards, it was no good to you. When I got more involved with you and the kids, I tried to help you with discipline to show the kids that we are a team, and that disrespect was not okay to do when they made poor choices. Sometimes discipline was needed to be handled right then, there are times where they do need to be in timeout, and there are times where they needed to be smacked on the ass for saying/doing something that they should not be doing. You were busy making me out as the bad person in the relationship by always pointing out to your kids that I was not doing what you think I should be doing therefore, by sharing your disapproval to the kids, you were making me feel (and saying this out loud to them…) as if I was not trying to be a part of the family. You always corrected me right in front of them and your parents. You also did your share of fighting me right in front of them as well. I don’t understand why you could never sit down with me and come to an agreement on what we should do with the kids that I was also helping. You looked at it as if they were YOUR kids the whole time and I was just there to help you when you asked for it. But even then, you didn’t ask for help when you needed it because instead, you would just bottle it all up and blow up on me without telling me what was happening. How was that fair? It wasn’t… and speaking for the kids back then when they couldn’t speak for themselves… You are supposed to be their parent, not their friend. You kept choosing on different days to be a friend more so than you becoming a parent first. But if I stepped in, then you would want it to be reversed just so you can say I was wrong. Now, as a kid, how was both Lily and JD supposed to know how to act around you when you kept switching between being a friend or a parent?? Also, your job as a mother is to help raise kids to get them prepared for the real world by respecting and learning to do what is right (and yes even through discipline). You confused your own kids because you could not stick to your rules all the time, plus you lost respect from them half the time, because you kept crossing the respect line of the kid sake to make sure they understand that you want them to grow and learn from it. That’s why your talks to them never worked. Therefore, when you were not in the house It was much easier to have them listen to me, do what I ask, and I can reward them (like I did so.) Moving on…

 

Your friend back then:

When I met you back then you had a good friend who was dating someone who you didn’t approval of. You didn’t approval of their relationship because you believe you were seeing signs of the guy; he was seeing to be a person who just only wanted sex from her and you thought that he was going to abuse her. This was a good friend of yours that believed in God and pretty much the same values of what a real relationship should be like. She also helped you watch your kids when you were off to do yourself help meetings. The level of disrespect that I saw out of you was unbelievable. You talked and talked to her as if you knew what you wanted up front, but you kept doing things that you shouldn’t have. You were trying to make her relationship with the guy she was with fail. You may not have liked the guy, but you needed to respect him better than you did because your friend made a choice to pick him. I recall when we went to their place and how upset you were that they made it that far. That was uncalled for because we were there to spend time with them and not to go over to judge them. However, that’s what you really did, you pretty much went over just to judge and throw a fit over them. Now Melody, your friend who I am talking about this whole time, she was nothing but nice to you, and supportive to you including me. She gave you respect and always seemed to put your feelings first. Hell, she was supportive of me too. She was so supportive that her and I used to talk about you on what things I should do or if I should keep going through with a relationship with you. Yes… I used to talk to her about you. She would be honest and say that you would treat her just as poorly as well and she thought it was unfair of you to do so but she never had the heart to come out and tell you. And I can see why… You used to work with her and then one day while you guys were working, you got a naughty pic from a guy. She asked you was it me where you talking to because at the time you kept telling her that I was the one for you. Turns out it wasn’t me and it was a booty call person. So, as a real friend to a real friend at the time she came and told me that you were doing what you were doing. Now what pisses me off about this is you have the messed-up nerve to get mad at her for telling me something that YOU did wrong? Really? And let’s break this down just a little bit before I get into It with you later about that whole thing… you had to been flirting with the guy before to get a pic like that so let make that clear and this…. If I was melody, I would have left you alone a long time ago. Real friends don’t treat friends this way, and what you did and said to her was wrong. Maybe if you were being a real friend, things wouldn’t have happened the way that they did.

 

Your Sister, Parents and Grandmother:

When I first meet you, you told me that your sister was full of drama. She always had something going on that you didn’t want to get involved in. I found this out to be not true and in fact you were the person that had drama. Even if your sister made a mistake, she handled it because she rarely got in trouble. She did her part around the house and to honest I got along with her very well. Which is why the playing around like/hate was happening between her and I through jokes. I don’t have anything bad to say about your sister. I will say you seemed to be jealous of her relationship with your parents which is why you thought it was always exciting when she did get in trouble.

 

As far as your Parents go… I also have nothing bad to say about them and I will not ever… because these people allowed me into their home, fed me, let me wash my clothes over there, let me see you any time we wanted, and were supportive when it came helping resolving things between you and me.  I have much respect for your Dad, and I will always because I learned from him what I needed to learn about you and about myself, which led to my choice in the making. Now, did I drive your dad crazy calling him for advice over you? I did. I am sorry about that towards him. I looked up to him so that’s also why I kept getting advice from him. This was a man who was really leading his family as best as he could and make changes to do so. Even if the changes were only about himself. As far as your Dad and your sister goes, I know they will not feel the same way about me, but I will always miss them along with the kids due to getting to know them all. Your dad believes it or not, allow for you (and I) to make the choice to work it all out even if they (your parents) were seeing signs of it not working out at all. Your parents allow us to make the grown-up choice on our own and kept their mouths closed. I will also say though, it would always bother me that you would get an attitude with me in front of your parents but then tell me that you were sick of talking about things right in front of them.

 

One late evening at a get-together, your grandmother pulled me to the sided while we were all laughing and joking around. She and she told me this… “Tim, I know that you care for my grand-daughter a lot however, every time you, her and the kids come over, you always seem to be the only one watching the kids and make sure that they aren’t doing anything wrong. Meanwhile, Kristina’s always seating with everyone laughing and joking around and having a good time. Tim… I love my granddaughter with all my heart but do not let my granddaughter take advantage of you because that would be unfair and that will in the end make you very unhappy.” And I’ll be… She could see a problem as well…  (and Yes… this did happen when I also, at the same time asked her for her blessing for marriage to you.) 

 

You and Your Ex:

You used to tell me about your ex all the time. Telling me things like he abused you because he used your name and money on things, would not let you have things your way, wouldn’t give you control over anything, and most of all he put his hands on you including him choking you with leather gloves. Well… I still don’t like what he did and what he did to you and your family. I do however believe now, that you had to of started at least half of the things because when living with you, you were much more like him. You wouldn’t let us go to see family but only my aunt Johnna. Anyone else you would freak out and be trying to tell me that you want to leave as soon as we got there. I couldn’t have an opinion because if I did with anything you disagreed with it, you would argue until you got your way. You would plan things out so we would almost never do anything I wanted to do. The point of this is that you are no more better than him, I can count on both hands how many times you put your hands on me, cussed me out, and were extremely unsupportive. You have some real double standards. I couldn’t take it anymore, I’m not going to be married to a woman who at the end of the day just wanted me around to help her with things that she didn’t want to do alone. I didn’t want to just be there to help pay the bills. I did so many things to show you that I’m not like your ex but you couldn’t get pass it. In fact, even the mobile home that we both moved into, I got it for us to move it and as I recall, on day one before moving in, on your cell phone, you were still in communication with a person who you had cheated on me with, that I had asked you to stop talking to… you still didn’t, but then, get mad at me for looking through your phone? (are you serious?! Yet, you wanted to marry me and were about to move in together…. That itself is a level of serious… what the hell were you thinking?!) Oh, and to make a long story short, I got both or names on the mobile home months after we moved in so you would stop fighting me about it. Yes, that didn’t work either because you kept bringing it up and throughout the relationship which through it under the bus. Now don’t get me wrong, I said things too and I have done things too… but if you recall every single time I told you I was sorry about it and if you didn’t believe me or still counted the problem against me, then that was your problem, my overall problem with you, is that you couldn’t do the same. No responsibility again.  Moving On…

 

YOU:

 

When I first started talking to you, it was cool because I would at least hear from you every night due to you calling me and talking about your day. So, I was starting to see you once a week when you lived at your parents. But let me just stop right there…

 

When it came to problem that needed to be address no matter if I was at a fault or you were, you could not sit down and talk to me about it to compromise. In fact, when it came to that, you would get super upset and stop talking to me which called stonewalling. If it was night time you would go straight to bed when we lived together. I was never the type person that believed in going to bed upset because it doesn’t help you sleep, and it stresses you out that much more. So, at first, I was going the extra mile trying to get you to cooperate with me only to get back very harsh attitude. Yet you still wanted to marry me... (which did not make sense). Every week, if I didn’t do something the way you wanted it done, or I said a joke or asked you a question, you would go 0 to 60 in anger mode. Then I couldn’t talk to you or reason with you. At the start of the relationship, I may have overspent or over did it being nice. But at the end of the day, I noticed that going out of my way to do little nice things for you were becoming super unappreciated. Plus, you were not reciprocating any my actions I did for you and this includes sex. I even got us a book so we can better communicate better (the 5 love languages) and when I would ask you did you read some of the book, you would yell at me about what other important things you need to do instead and tossed it to the way-side. It didn’t matter what I thought, it only mattered what you thought and what you wanted. (yet, you still wanted to marry me?!) When you got, mad and made me upset, I used to go and take a walk to cool off about it and come back to the problem (which your dad knew that about me...) you used to send me text messages during those times and said things like “how can I count on you to be my future husband when you walk out on a fight?!”.  You used to get so mad at me that you would stop talking to me the day of the fight, sleep in a different room (one of the kids) or the couch, and not speak to me at all until a week’s time went by. It would be mostly a full week before you would say something to me. And when it came to talking to each other to work it out you started pointing fingers and not taking responsibility for your half of the on-going problem. “Saying things like “if you didn’t do this then I wouldn’t have done this…” I mean really? Do you know how that sounds? When it came to Sex, you would not even touch me most of the time when we could and even before that (which most people do not know) you had to get yourself drunk just to do it and then tell me that you were using it to “chill out your nerves...” Are you kidding me? (yet wanted to marry me?!) You have to drink in order for you to even touch me? How do you think that made me feel as a man? And let’s not forget the fact that you cheated on me and Melody caught you… all while I was watching your kids at your house, while you were living with your parents. I know what happened at the end, but you were emotionally abusive with what you used to tell me, and how you handled resolving conflicts because you never wanted to help make a good compromised resolution or learn to agree to disagree and move on. No wonder why I kept looking for reassurance because things were missing that I should have been feeling and plus I was putting my efforts into you at first and weren’t getting them back in return. I didn’t feel wanted, I didn’t feel a part of the family, I didn’t feel like I could help teach the kids you had, I didn’t feel happy, and I ultimately felt that you did not care about me from one day to the next as time went on. I felt as if, I would have died one day, you wouldn’t give two cents and that you weren’t in my corner. (there was no support from you). I learned that there was no support from you that much more the day I was ganged up on at church due to a fight you and I had all because they heard me say you “were acting like a ***” when I was trying to work things out with you but with your attitude…whoa…., you were being unresponsive and unreasonable. We made a deal that I asked you to do and you choose to break it all over the new car we both went on together. You took to playing victim again and told me that you wanted nothing to do with the car ever again instead of seeing where I was coming from… and as soon I as I told you what happen at the church by the people who ganged up on me… you tell me… “well I can see that happening with you..” as if the whole thing was my fault at all. So then, I figured out…I was only there to help pay bills and babysit when you need to go do whatever. You always wanted to play victim when it came to problems, but be controlling when it came to what you wanted to have done per week without really asking me what I would like for us to do or people to go see. You told me that your dad told you a long time ago “good luck to whoever you marry because you don’t take responsibility for your actions” and the Ex boyfriend who was also friend of the family’s told me “that every guy you dated, you cheated on...” You are not the woman I should have been with. I had to learn many lessons from what all happen which I have healed from. I made vows to you before God to be there but you simply were not there for me as I needed to you be as a girlfriend and as a wife the way I was there for you. You say your ex put you though a lot of abuse and I believe that but I also believe you had a huge hand to play in that too. I had to end it all and leave you alone because you were not the woman for me due to you and your toxic ways. You didn’t accept me as the person I was, and you judge me for every fault hard. I truly believe that You are not the girl God wanted me to be with. It always takes two for relationships to work. This was a toxic relationship and I have already forgiven myself a long time ago. However, for you, you need to remember what you did because you are not at all far from innocent. I am not perfect, I am human but I do my best to learn from my mistakes. God made it happen for a reason and I’m okay and know that I am already forgiven for all of I done though this relationship, including leaving you as your husband. Therefore, I do not ever need your forgiveness for anything. If I see you ever in the street I will ONLY be civil and that is it. I wrote this so that you can look at yourself and see that relationships take TWO. Here is your part of the mess we left. As for me, I would never make the choice to be with you or someone else like you ever again.

 

At the end of it all, I would like to thank your Dad mostly for allowing me in your family and giving me the blessing to try to work things with you. We failed and but how I look at it, it is a well lesson learned.

 

I’m good.

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