Fiance' Asked me to Leave the House so he can look at Porn..

[sweet_one]

Okay, it's been a long time since I came here for advice, but I do need some now. My fiance' is addicted to porn/masturbation and I've known this for some time now. For the last 7 years he has had no set working hours, thereforeeee could look at porn everyday (and masturbate everyday - and believe me he did). He has recently started a new job, a job with the hours of 8-5, thereforeeee has no "alone" time to do his thing. It's only been a week since he started this job and last night we got into an argument and one of his concerns/worrys is that he needs his alone time, thereforeeee he wants us to be more open about it and plan these times. So basically he has asked me to schedule time out of the house so he can look at porn and masturbate.

 

I have really been through it with him on this topic and he sees nothing wrong with what he does, however for the first year and half of our relationship our sex life was non existent because of his porn usage. Our sex life has improved, however he sometimes has a performance issue when were in bed together and of course I automatically blamed his habit. Now you should also understand that I am an attractive women that loves to have sex several times a week and he and I have actually watched a little porn together, however he prefers not to do that with me; he prefers to do it alone while on the computer.

 

I have one more problem and that is in the past he's always just gone in the typical porn sites, however, he most recently likes to go into forums. Now I know very little about forums related to porn, so can someone tell me if those sites are just like this one, where you can kind of talk to people or can you actually download pictures that people have posted? One of his favorites is link removed I worry about him going into these forums; does anyone have any advice?

 

I really do not know how to react to this recent request of his. I feel like he's being selfish, on the other hand maybe I'm the one being selfish because at least he's not doing it every day like before. Can you please give me some advice and or thoughts on all of this.

 

Sorry this is so long and thanks.

 

sweet_one

[Piscesangel7]

Hello,

 

I just had to respond when I read your post. First off, NO you are NOT being selfish. I don't feel his behavior is normal and has now become an addiction. I am in a similar situation. I have been married for almost 17 years and when about 9 years ago when a computer first came into our house, my husband said he was using it for business, however the business he was conducting was at 3am. He was chatting with other females and masturbating at the computer. I was 8 months pregnant at the time. Well I found put and confronted him and he swore it would never happen again. But it has continued to happen from time to time (whenever I would find out) for the past 9 years. I have lost all trust in him. I at first thought it MY fault just as you are blaming yourself. But it is NOT our fault. I am currently at a cross roads right now, because I don't know if I should leave him or not. I have 2 children and it is a very difficult situation. He now has a laptop from his job and I am no longer able to find anything. Plus I think my husband realizes I am on to him and has stopped a bit, but I am not 100% sure.

 

I completely understand your feelings on this topic. All I can say is discuss this with him and see what his true feelings are on this and then it will be your decision if you want to put up with this or not. I know how hurtful it is.

 

Take Care!

email removed

[RooferGirl23]

This is a tough one, i know persoanlly. He seems to be very into this, and there may not be much you can really do. My father is addicted to porn big time, because of it he lost 2 wives! (my mom and step-mom) his current wife has just accepted it and they have been doing great.

As for you, I would love the alone time, you can get out of the house, hang with friends, do whatever YOU want. If you really love this man, sacrifice and compromise, i know that it is hard but from what u wrote, this is very important to him.

My father liked it so much that when i moved out of the house, he converted the now extra room ito HIS TV room... where he'd wath his stuff in privacy, and no one had to leave. He never stopped watching it for anyone.

I feel im not providing much answers, but this is a tough one. if all else fails be blunt.. ask him, "hey, whats more attractive about what you see than what you have here with me?"

[SilverManic]

My personal oppinion on girls that are shown on that type of thing are that they have no self value and often think to highly of themselves. Not to say that they all are like that.

 

Down to the issue. I think it's wrong! My boyfriend went to a strip bar on a stag do and told me that he had. I didn't have a problem with it but he made it clear that he didn't like it.

 

Now your boyfriend is admiting to looking at other women. In my eyes he may not be cheating physically but he is cheating mentaly which is almost as bad as actually cheating!

 

I'm sorry if my opinion isn't what you wanted to hear but it's what I think. Talk to him about it and tell him how you feel.

 

~S.

[Luciana]

What an awful situation. Some women don't take this porn viewing as well as you do. It feels like cheating to many women.

I am not against using it as an aphrodisiac for the couple. But his use of it alone is sad for you. He needs another outlet rather than that. Does he practice any sports? He clearly is addicted and needs therapy. Can you get him to get help?

I wish you the best. Anything that is making one partner unconfortable should be addressed. You should not have to put up with this.

As for the forums, there could be exchange between people and setting up of encounters, I am not sure.

[Hope75]

I don't think it's about cheating here, but I think you know or at least suspect that this behaviour is wrong and over the top, or you wouldn't have posted here.

 

 

Personally I have no problem with guys who look at porn. My guy does it and most guys I know do it. Most of the time it does not and should not interfere with a healthy, normal relationship, and at times, it can add spice to your sex life.

 

Having said that, your guy sounds addicted to porn and it has taken over his life so much that he feels the need to kick you out of the house in order to masterbate. It's interfering with your relationship. You have even offered to watch it with him and he prefers to do it alone.

 

I understand that at times a guy just wants to get off and doesn't want to have to focus on thier partner and how to seduce and please them, but your guy is doing this so much it seems to have taken over his life, and that's not healthy.

 

I don't know how open he would be to talking about it, but you need to approach him and talk about it. If he isn't receptive to any type of change, I would question why you would want to marry him. What about when you have a family, is he going to ask you to take the kids and leave so he can jerk off?

[snowgirl]

Er. I may be way off here, but have you considered joining him?

[sweet_one]

The only other thing I should clarify is that he is 43 years old and I'm 38, thereforeeee there is no children in our future. He has had this habit for YEARS and it has affected other relationships he has had, so I'm not the first.

 

Believe me, we have talked and talked about this subject and that's why our sex life has improved because I told him I wouldn't be with a man that refused to have sex with me. When I first met him, he had hundreds of c.d.'s that he had burned with porn on them. I have also been able to scale that down, but he still does it.

 

I just think that this most recent request is very bold and I just don't know how to handle it. And to make matters worse, we are getting married in 17 days. HELP!!!!

[snowgirl]

Oh. Wow.

 

You say you have talked and talked about it, but you obviously have not come to any resolution, or you would not be so troubled by this.

 

He obviously has an addiction happening here, as others have said, and that is obviously something that is a serious issue with you. He does not understand that, especially in light of his latest request. He may say he is hearing you, but he is not.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would probably reconsider the wedding, or I would at least consider putting it off, and tell him WHY.

This may be an issue that you can come to a resolution over, but it may actually not. Either way, I would say that you need professional help.

[RandomAdvisor]

I just think that this most recent request is very bold and I just don't know how to handle it. And to make matters worse, we are getting married in 17 days. HELP!!!!

 

I would consider postponing the wedding until you get this issue resolved. He IS being selfish. Have either of you been married before?

 

I agree with Hope75's views on porn. A little casual viewing and masturbating every now and then is fine, but when he's choosing porn over having real sex with you we have a real problem here. I wouldn't put it with it if I were you.

 

You need to speak with him and let him know how much this is bothering you, and that you find it unacceptable. He has to choose: either it's you, or the porn. I suggest he seek counseling.

[chai714]

Anyone who thinks masturbation is better than sex needs help.

 

He has an addiction, much like an alcoholic except that the substance being abused causing the addiction is porn. Either get him some help, or get out of there. Things will not get better if he does not get help. Your relationship will continue to deteriorate, and you will become angry inside. Once this anger builds up, you'll have an outburst. Don't let it get that far.

[kenneth05]

i have a suggestion and i'm not being flip... what if you were to suggest that whenever he wants to watch porn, you'll be happy to masturbate him so long as he does you as well! (just a thought)

[Falucchi]

People don't change when the wedding ring is slipped on their finger. If you marry him, you will be doing so with your eyes wide open to this problem, and jeopardize your well-being.

 

If you love him so much, and will marry him despite the porn issue, then really, why should he change then if he's not willing to change now? After all, you're not the first woman he's hurt, and possibly you won't be the last. And on that note-- why would you marry someone with such a huge problem?

 

As for the porn issue, the behavior will continue to be disruptive to the intimacy and safety of the relationship.

 

You will feel "cheated on" by your partner because he needs something other than you in order to become aroused.

 

You will feel insecure about your body, your sexuality and your ability to satisfy your partner.

 

You will feel emotionally distant and separate from your partner during sex, worrying that he is not completely "there" with you.

 

You will feel angry and resentful towards your partner for not respecting your feelings..

 

You will eventually feel turned off to sex, since for you, it is associated with humiliation, control and a feeling of inadequacy.

 

In spite of what he says, I don't consider his habit "harmless" if it's creating these reactions in you. He probably doesn't want to hurt you. But the reality is, he is hurting you. Don't let yourself get talked out of your feelings. Trust your instincts. It's not a question of what is normal and what is not. It's a question of what is healthy or unhealthy for your relationship, and you already know that in this case, your relationship is suffering.

 

Please consider postpoing the wedding if his habit causes you so much pain. His track record with relationships isn't very successful, and he hasn't changed yet-- not even for you.

[Hope75]

The only other thing I should clarify is that he is 43 years old and I'm 38, thereforeeee there is no children in our future. He has had this habit for YEARS and it has affected other relationships he has had, so I'm not the first.

 

This has been an ongoing problem for him, and correct me if I am wrong here, but it sounds like he has chosen porn over past girlfriends, which I consider a serious problem.

 

I think you are making a big mistake if you walk down the aisle with him and this issue is not addressed and resolved. It really doesn't sound like he is willing to address it if he has sacraficed past relationships in favor of porn before.

 

This obssession is unhealthy, and it isn't going to change once you are married. The real question here is: how much are you willing to settle for his unhealthy obsession, and are you prepared to accept this for the rest of your life?

 

If you walk down the aisle with him, you are essentially saying that you accept it.

[RayKay]

The other posters have all been right on - porn in itself is not the real problem here - it is his addiction and the fact that it is putting your relationship at risk. He is choosing porn over you, your feelings about it and the relationship and you are accepting it by staying for the status quo (and marrying him).

 

This is not normal, or healthy in the least bit. And things WILL NOT, I repeat just for emphasis, will NOT get better when you marry him. I would seriously consider postponing or calling off the wedding until you both see a therapist for pre-marital counselling and address these and other issues. They may recommend individual therapy for him in addition to that. Unfortunately though until he admits he has a problem or sees it as an addiction, it won't change itself.

[Derek]

I dunno what other redeeming qualities this guy has that makes him worthwhile, (a nice car? LOL)

 

but the things that generally last are things that you already are having troubles with.

 

Trust and Intimacy(not just sexual) and communication skills about both of those things.

 

He has already compartmentalized parts of his life off from you.

He doesn't trust you. You don't trust him.

 

I don't get what's left to stay together for?

 

If you really love him, you would not enable him to continue his bad habit.

Just like an alcoholic. Calling off the wedding (for now) might be the jolt he needs to get real with himself.

 

 

 

[sweet_one]

Okay, a couple of people have suggested that I join him during his activity, and I have a few times suggested that to him, but that is out of the question for him. It's a very private thing that he prefers to do on his own. This isn't the "normal" looking at porn; this has been an everyday acitivity for years, where he downloads hundreds of pictures and hides them away, only to never look at them again. I asked him why he burns them if he never looks at them again and he said he didn't know. It's a sickness.........an addiction.

 

At one point he decided we should attend premarriage counseling to confront this problem as well as a few other issues, however shortly after we began going, he made it clear to me that this topic was not open for discussion with the counselor.

 

So many people have told me the same thing and I have decided that this request of his is requesting too much of me. Up until this point, I have dealt with it all pretty good, but this is way over the top. I honestly cannot think of one person that would be willing to do this for their partner. People masturbate and guys look at porn, but I know in my instance and I think most others, I only do it when the opportunity presents itself. I would NEVER ask my partner to leave the house just so I could do it. So that's what I've decided to tell him and if he doesn't understand that then I have no choice but to call it all off. I just cannot understand what he is thinking.

 

I know more then the average person about this topic because I have read everything I could get me hands on to understand it. I know that if and when I start seeing other people, this will be one of my first questions because I never want to go through this again and it hurts me to see SO MANY other women going through similar situations. Life is sick!!!

 

sweet_one

[Hope75]

Hi sweet one

 

I think you are right to present the choice to him and get your answer before you go through with the wedding. This way, if he is unwilling to work on this with you (and it sounds like he is unwilling) and you know about it now, you can make the choice that is best for you, which is most likely not to accept this, but to leave him.

 

I wish you all the best, and please, let us know what happens when you talk to him.

[Falucchi]

Life is sick!!!

 

I don't think so. Life is wonderful. People are sick.

People make bad choices in their lives, and rather than learn from the mistake and move on, they stick around for years and years wasting their life trying to "understand" why someone is a jerk.

(Go get a PhD in psychology if you're that interested!-- at least it's not a waste of time!)

 

A porn "addict" may be sick, but the person who willfully, knowingly chooses to marry him is also in need of serious some therapy.

[sweet_one]

Okay, he called me a little while ago and the conversation went like this.....

 

He said he had been going over our conversation and he realized that what he asked me to do was not right and it was making him feel bad. He said it would be selfish and unkind of him to ask me to leave the house for this reason. He said he never wanted to choose the computer over me and that he would just take the opportunity whenever it presents itself (meaning, if I go out without him).

 

Now, how do I feel about this? I'm glad to see that he came up with these things on his own and actually thought about how I might be feeling. I can work with this decision. In other words, he saved his own butt, because I wasn't going to stand for anything less........I would have left him first.

 

Thanks for all of your advice and I'll check back in with an update.

[annie24]

In the words of Dan Savage, my favorite sex advice columnist, DTMFA! (Which stands for Dump the MF already!)

 

What a jerk! He kicks you out of the house so he can watch porn and mastrubate? I just don't have any words for that. Is this what it's going to be like when you're married? He tells you to leave for a few hours? You're going to be his wife! You're supposed to be part of his sex life!!! Now, I can understand once in a while - but if he asks you to leave your own house.....

 

DTMFA!

[sweet_one]

My previous marriage lasted 18 years, but should have ended alot sooner then that, so I know about sticking around too long and wasting time.

 

My finance' and I have been together almost 3 years and the rest of our relationship is very good. We do almost everything together and love to be with eachother. Our sex life has improved since we first met; an average of 3 times per week.

 

It's just that when it comes to his "addiction" he'll do anything and everything to protect that little corner of "his" secret world. It makes me so mad and so sad. Anyway, thank you so much for your advice and I will take it to heart.

[georgia peach]

You already know in your mind/heart what needs to be done about the wedding/future with your fiance. Listen to that voice in your head, trust it. No matter what, I believe that everything happens for a reason even if it's not clear to us at the time.

[sweet_one]

I thought you all might want to know that I finally got through to my finance'/husband. I took two weeks off of work in order to prepare for our wedding and during the first week, he couldn't keep his hands off of me; he included me in his porn viewing in front of the computer and we had a GREAT time together. He actually admitted that it was more fun and much more enjoyable and intense with me then without me. He said he felt like he wouldn't miss doing this activity alone and was glad that we had finally worked this out. We really enjoyed doing some things that we hadn't done before and he had the best of both worlds.

 

I'm sure from time to time, when the opportunity presents itself, he will still want his "alone" time in front of the computer, but because he has included me, I have no problem with this. Just thought you might want an update and oh by the way, we did get married.

 

Thank you all for your support and advice. You guys are great!!

 

Sweet One

[RayKay]

Great to hear sweet_one that you talked about it and came to a satisfactory ending!

 

Congrats on the marriage, may it be a happy one for you both