Lockdown caused us to drift apart

[Edom0192]

So me (34) and my girlfriend (26) are 11 months into our relationship and things were amazing up until January when the 3rd lockdown began. 

To add some context to the situation I was happy with how everything was panning out and we both were extremely happy, but I had my guard up from day one, and was very careful not to let myself get carried away with her because I really didn't want to mess it up. I live with my parents (currently waiting for the keys to a house I have bought)and she lives with hers. We've talked about her moving in with me when I get the new house up and running and all was fine, we'd talked about how she would still save up for her own house to buy, to either do up and rent or sell, but essentially I wanted her to have that independence and feeling of achievement I'm having with buying your own house... obviously if things went well, we would merge our assets at some point and go from there... anyways, her parents are very strict and have been quite hard on her over lockdown, especially when it came to us seeing one another, they basically said, no, we have to stick to the rules. She's been threatened with being kicked out for minor things in the past so we carried on the relationship but only by seeing each other once or twice a week for a walk. Before lockdown she was the perfect girlfriend, caring, attentive, always putting me first, kind and most of all my family absolutely adore her! But I put up walls and said if her parents won't let her come round to mine (which I know was wrong at the time, but my parents knew how important it was to us that we carried on seeing each other privately and they were fine with it) then we should honour that to stop them giving her a hard time and making things even worse for her. We both have a history of anxiety, she reacts to it alot worse than I do but we have always helped each other, been completely honest and really just had an amazing connection together. 

Fast forward 5 months and we are now in a situation where we've become distant, like we've drifted apart. We still see each other for walks but she's really hesitant to spend any quiet time together where it is just me and her. I.e. not outside in public. We've discussed breaking up (which is a really hard thing to do in life, and I'm proud we can communicate that way) and told each other how we feel, and the conclusion is we still love each other and we want to work on things to see if we can get that deeper connection back, or the spark, back in our lives... 

 

My only worry is, how can we do that? With everything that is happening in the world, we are very restricted on what we can do together. We've got a date planned this weekend, and we're spending the day together on Sunday, but it's going to be no different to what it's been like for the past 5 months and I'm worried it's not going to remind her of what she wants to feel for me (I've had a sudden realisation of how important she is to me and how much I do love her, ive come clean about the walls I put up and told her I want a future together) I'm just looking for advice, from women especially, on coming back together after you've drifted apart...

I apologise if this doesn't have much context but it's basically the backbone of my situation and its got to a point where I'd do anything to give us the best chance of maybe actually experiencing a relationship together where we aren't bound by lockdown rules or living with our parents.

 

Also, I know once I get this house, things will be alot easier because we will have our own space and be able to experience day to day life together......And im aware this also could be the answer to the question I'm asking 😅

Any experiences to give me a little light in this very confusing maze we seem to be in now would be amazing. Thank you

[Wiseman2]

How soon will you be in your own home? A lot depends on that unless walking in the park a couple hours a week is sustainable.

Wait until your life is in better shape.

As far as her buying her own house, why bother to build a relationship simply to be apart?

[Edom0192]

It's expected to got through I the next 6-10 weeks depending once the legal things have been sorted.

Sorry, it would be her either buying her own house or buying into mine/our own place... we have to option where she can buy a house further down the line, I can help her do the house up as I'm a tradesman, then the option is there to sell, or rent etc but the ultimate goal if we are still together would be to buy our own place..

Its a goal we've both had for many years, and as it turns out, I've managed to get there before her that's all, I don't want to take that away from her by saying just move in with me. If she goes halves with me on the morgage and house improvements and we split up, she's back to square one again. Which I don't want for her whether it works or not. Also, the reason why we didn't buy together was because she couldn't afford to. Thanks 

[Wiseman2]

It's unclear why she needs to buy her own house? Are you thinking of just dating forever? Is this what she wants too?

After a year or more of dating and once you get your house in order, is she ok with just coasting along as separate homeowners going nowhere relationship wise?

[Edom0192]

No, haha, sorry I think your misunderstanding... 

She wants to buy her own place but not essentially to live in. She would buy to rent it out, or do up and sell. Buy the time she's in a position to buy, and we get through this period where we seem to have drifted apart, she will be living with me in my house. But I've said to her I don't want her putting towards the morgage payments or anything towards the major refurbishment costs as if it goes belly up, she's going to be out of pocket and left with nothing. And more than likely moving in with her parents again... so basically it's a safety net for her if in the early years of the relationship it doesn't work out. As much as we love each other... you have to be realistic in life and accept that you can't predict the future.

[Edom0192]

I could be wording it all wrong aswell, I apologise for the confusion 🙈

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Edom0192 said:

 basically it's a safety net for her if in the early years of the relationship it doesn't work out. 

Ok, maybe you're both thinking ahead a lot.

Why not postpone moving in until you both feel more solid about each other rather than living together as a test drive rather than a commitment?

[Edom0192]

Yeah, I agree with that completely, it's always hard not to get carried away but I think that will be for the best. I guess I was just after advice on ways to reignite that spark because we've spent 5 months apart basically. I think what might be an idea is to just push on this next month or so, then once the house goes through it will give us an opportunity to spend more quality time together. Thanks for your input 🙏

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Edom0192 said:

She's been threatened with being kicked out for minor things in the past so we carried on the relationship but only by seeing each other once or twice a week for a walk. Before lockdown she was the perfect girlfriend, caring, attentive, always putting me first, kind and most of all my family absolutely adore her! But I put up walls and said if her parents won't let her come round to mine (which I know was wrong at the time, but my parents knew how important it was to us that we carried on seeing each other privately and they were fine with it) then we should honour that to stop them giving her a hard time and making things even worse for her. We both have a history of anxiety, she reacts to it alot worse than I do

So, she has strict parents.. she lives with 😕 

She has anxiety... worse than you do.

Has been unsettling the last 5 months.

When did you start to notice a difference in her?

Is she 'communicating' with you okay? To the point you two have real talks & often?  She voices her concerns,, etc okay?

Do you think it is all about the changes (due to lockdown) and not just her kinda.. fading, for reasons?

[Edom0192]

The difference started when she started a new job about 6 weeks ago. A new career path, a demanding job with alot of stress to add to that. So I can kind of see where all this might add to our drifting apart... we communicate alot, we talk openly about the situation, maybe to a point where we talk about it too much! But she does struggle to sum up her feelings at times and it takes her a long time to get something off her chest, but when she does I feel like we do make progress. I guess it's just a waiting game, I worry she won't find that spark again, that reason that drew us together in the first place, I guess I just have to keep being supportive and hopefully things will work out the way we want them too. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Edom0192 said:

, maybe to a point where we talk about it too much!

Agree this is the problem. Actions help repair things.

It's a myth that endless relationship talks makes things better, particularly if there are no concrete changes to fix the rut.

Stop and reflect on what you can do to improve things. That means what you can do, not forcing her to talk about problems.