Should I let this go?

[RJbear86]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We love each other very much, and have been through so much together as many couples have during the pandemic and lockdowns the last year.

We are living together, and have done so more or less the last 6 months.

 

when we were 6 months into our relationship he told me he had a holiday planned with a friend, her boyfriend, her parents and her kids to go to Disneyland for 3 weeks, but that our anniversary would be smack dab in the middle of it. 
 

I was quite upset as for me anniversaries are extremely important milestones, an opportunity to mutually reflect on the relationship and to celebrate the relationship and eachother. But, he had booked it before meeting me, really wanted to go and we’d only been together 6 months so I was resigned to celebrating in a smaller way a few weeks after the date. 
 

sure enough Covid hit, and international travel was cancelled, we ended up celebrating our first anniversary together in the U.K. 

 

The trip was rescheduled by his friend’s family to land on our second anniversary. We argued about this a lot, but eventually I relented and said, ‘go this year, but please don’t book another trip with another family mid way through an anniversary again’. 
 

Covid restrictions cancelled this holiday agian...so now they have rebooked it over our 3rd anniversary (for me 3rd anniversary is a real milestone abs very important) 

 

I’m really hurt and angry at my partner for still wanting to go next year. And this issue has dominated for 18 months already and may well cause many arguments over the next year. 
 

I suggested he go for 2 weeks rather than 3 and we celebrate our anniversary together he is resistant to this idea as wants the full 3 weeks in Disneyland. 
 

sidebar; I detest Disneyland and group holidays, and the idea of me going there for 3 weeks is my idea of personal hell.

He is very happy for me to come though whether it be for the full 3 weeks or just a week or so. 
 

We have even said maybe I should come over half way through the holiday and he and I leave the main group and spend a few nights away celebrating our anniversary elsewhere in Florida, then return for the last week. 
 

His friends don’t know about this plan abs will be very upset if we do that but ultimately accept it.

 

the wider issue here, is...

 

We keep talking about getting married and starting a family, but he’s pretty ambivalent to exactly when that happens (I’m 35 he’s 42) but is adamant he definitely wants that to happen and has indicated if I proposed tomorrow he would say yes, but wouldn’t mind if it was 3 years down the line either. 

 

I fell like, he is mortgaged to his single life pre-our relationship, putting his friend and her family before our own burgeoning relationship and family. His female friend even refers to him as ‘my hubby’. 
 

context: due to homophobia, my boyfriend has NEVER had a relationship with anyone, before me, except for a short relationship with a girl when he was a teenager, 25 years ago. 
 

It took him 9 months to tell his friends about me, 14 months to tell his parents about me, and even though he’s out on Facebook and at work he won’t put us as ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook for fear distant past friends might find out he’s gay (his profile pic is of a drag Queen).

 

I love this man very much, and it’s clear he loves me too. He has also supported me massively this last year, as I’m on the covid shielding list and so been very isolated and my mental health has become terrible. 
 

The practical issue is, what do we do about this holiday 12 months away? 
 

The wider issue is, am I being too hard on him regarding how he doesn’t want to publicly choose our relationship over abs above the feelings of friends?

 

Am I right to be angry/hurt here, or should I just let it go? 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner vacationing with a female friend who refers to my bf as her "hubby".

I understand this is a same sex relationship but still not appropriate. Your boyfriend has issues with establishing boundaries with his friends and sounds like a pushover or people-pleaser.

The six months anniversary doesn't make sense to me. Anniversaries are yearly only. Am I misunderstanding something here? 

It could go both ways regarding the vacation but it really depends on whether you are attracted to a personality like this. I would not consider a long term relationship in this scenario. A short term fling maybe but definitely not long term.

Both of you seem incompatible because you dislike group activities and there seems to be no compromise. If it makes you uncomfortable, why should you go? That's a highly individualized answer. He is offering a compromise however.

It's doubtful he'll change his mind or his approach and neither will you. Why should you help anyone see or value the same things that you value? You're both adults here, old enough to know what you need and want out of a respectful and mutually reciprocal relationship. 

[DancingFool]

It sounds to me like in many respects you are not compatible. His dream vacation is your definition of hell. You place this great value and meaning on anniversaries, he does not. You want marriage and to start a family, he is completely ambivalent about that. Basically, you and him seem to have opposing personalities and values that don't really mesh very well. So for that reason alone, I'd reconsider staying in this relationship.

The other glaring red flag is that he is keeping your relationship a secret. The only reason for that is that either he is cheating or keeping his options open for that. Outside of that, there is literally no good reason to hide his relationship status, especially when he is out on social media and people already know. He is actually gaslighting you with a flimsy bs excuse. I just don't think he is nearly as committed to you as you are to him, even if he does nice things for you and takes care of you in some ways. 

It's been 2 years and you can't find a happy compromise. Celebrating year 3 just because you had to force it and put the proverbial gun to his head isn't really much of a celebration or a bonding experiences, don't you think? Maybe look for a partner who is actually on the same page as you and values you more.

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and if a partner wanted this vacation this badly and had originally planned it before I even met him, then I'd stop harping on the anniversary conflict as to avoid turning what should be a happy and celebratory time into a real drag.

Instead, I'd schedule the celebration around his plans and be good with that. Otherwise, no matter what he does, he loses, and that's not the spirit I'd want for the occasion.

I can't speak to how invested I would be in planning a future with a partner who isn't fully out. I'd pull back on that for a while and see where a no pressure zone might lead him.

[MissCanuck]

You two are on totally different pages about this relationship. 

This ongoing problem with the Disney vacation is a symptom of that. 

It's time to zoom out and look at the bigger picture. You and he have very conflicting ideas about commitment, marking major milestones, how and when to go on holidays, boundaries, goals for the future...it might be time to re-think the relationship, and not just because of this Disney issue, but all the other incompatibilities between you and him.