why am i waisting my time on this loser?

[SeaBisquit]

i need to end this relationship that i'm in. but i just keep being obsessive over this guy. there are so many things wrong that i feel in my gut but for some damn reason i keep crawling back to this guy and now he makes me feel like garbage. what"s wrong with me? i don't know how to move on and forget him. like i said i know he is all wrong , i know i could find better but for damn reason i seem to be liking the treatment even when i feel it might be dangerous. i don't know if i feel scared controlled or what.

[shes2smart]

Sometimes we get stuck because our fear of what might happen in the future is greater than our present discomfort. Someone said this to me a long time ago, and I've observed it to be true more often than not: People only change when they reach a maximum level of discomfort...and some people have a pretty high tolerance for discomfort.

 

What are your thoughts/beliefs about not being in a relationship at all? I don't know your history, so I'm not sure if this will apply, but there are a lot of people who go from one relationship to the next with no appreciable time where they're happily single & not looking. If you've been happily single, alone & not looking for any length of time, leaving a bad relationship isn't so difficult because you KNOW you'll be fine because you were fine before.

 

Do you, perhaps, on some level feel you "deserve" the abusive behavior? If you grew up in an abusive environment, emotional or physical abuse feels familiar, even though it's not healthy or you may not like it. People tend to seek out familiar things. This is probably linked to fear or aprehension of the unknown in the future. To paraphrase an old saying, "the crap you know is better than the crap you don't know."

 

Just a couple things for you to think about. Ultimately, though, you don't need to know the reasons why in order to do the right/healthy thing for yourself and your daughter (you were the one posting about grossly inappropriate porn in another thread, weren't you? If not, sorry I've mixed you up with someone else.). It may make it easier if you know why...but there's no guarantee that it will, either.

[SeaBisquit]

thanks shes2smart,

 

right now i just feel very confused and hurt. but i know i need to put all this behind me, but i keep second guessing myself. i'm finding it hard to detach.

[Hope75]

Hi Sea,

 

So you've decided that he is just too much, huh? You were pretty upset yesterday in your posts.

 

Try to look at it this way. Let's say in 15 years your daughter was dating someone exactly like your bf. What advice would you give her?

 

Do you have friends and family around that will support your decision to leave him? Lean on them, tell then everything, they will be a great source of strength for you and your pride might be enough to prevent you from going back once your loved ones know the whole story.

 

Good luck!

[chai714]

This all stems back to the "bad boy" theory. This theory states that women go for bad boys because they "can't control" them. They seem to be "out of control" and human nature sees this as somewhat of a challenge taming the wild beast.

 

In your case Sea, there is a different twist but the same thought process on your end. Sure, you may or may not be obsessed with him, but his suspicious activities have your intuition spinning. Your daughter's safety is one concern, and that should be at the top of your list. Forget what you want - when it becomes a concern for your daughter's safety, this should be a no-brainer.

[RayKay]

From your past posts, I think it is partly as you are stuck thinking this is all you got - and there is no one else out there for you. You are afraid of being alone and so don't start process to move on, even when people tell you you MUST do it. Unfortunately until you take those steps to move forward, you will remain in cycle of thinking you NEED this guy as you are not able to move forward to see there is much better ahead of you.

 

Part of it is fear of being "alone" now, and forever I believe....but you won't be, and you are not. You have family & friends, and you probably NEED to be alone for a while to rebuild and recover your identity apart from this guy. It will make you a healthier, stronger person, and set you up for healthier, stronger relationships as well.

[SeaBisquit]

thankyou all for your support

 

reading your replies helps me alot. right now i'm just sort of in shock or kinda diabelief, like i wish someone would shout out "no he really isn't that bad" or "no that didn't really happen" it's just hard to believe that a guy that i care so much about would view something i'm so strongly against.

 

 

my daughter is my heart!

[SandyD]

right now i just feel very confused and hurt. but i know i need to put all this behind me, but i keep second guessing myself. i'm finding it hard to detach.

 

Ah... but detach you must. Yes, it´s hard stuff. It´s unpleasant. It´s so much more comfortable to stay where you are.

It´s normal to second guess yourself and be confused. Maybe you think you deserve the bad treatment, you might think it´s all your fault anyway. But I will say this... no boyfriend has the right to hurt you, no matter what. Even if you do mess up there should be an amount of understanding, love, forgiveness, compromise, communication. He should never scare you.

 

I know it sucks because you fell for a man and all of a sudden he´s not what you bargained for. You don´t want it to be true. You want everything to be ok, and not deal with pain and all that bad stuff that comes with ending a relationship. But the reality is, from what you´ve stated, that you will have to dump him. Take your confusion and doubts and get as far away as you can from him, and in no time at all everything will become crystal clear to you.

[ian]

Yeah.

I've been awful to past girl friends.

I've gone through a change and realised that us of the male species can be real pains.

Love doesn't mean hurting the object of your affection.

If i'd have been somewone else and met me in the past i'd have kicked my head in.

No one deserves it.

[Falucchi]

why don't you go look at a webpage called

link removed

buy the book too

 

It says:

Women who are in dangerous relationships often have to manipulate reality in order to see their situation differently so they are able to stay in it. Women who are repeatedly in dangerous relationships have an arsenal of 'loopholes' they use to talk themselves into remaining in a go-nowhere relationship.

 

In order to change your patterns, it is important you know what kind of loopholes you are using in order to avoid change, growth, and ending the relationship. These loopholes become a sort of 'mantra' that women say over and over to themselves either consciously or subconsciously. It slowly reinforces their decision to stay despite the red flags they are having about these choices.