Help Me...When desparity takes over...what is left.

[Mish]

This is a long soapbox...but I really need help. My gf has had a rough time, lost her grandfather last August and then found out New Years Day that her father had terminal cancer and she needed to fly back home asap. Her dad was her best friend, never judgemental of her and always there when she needed him. He passed away nearly 2 weeks to the day she flew back home and sat with him everyday.

 

When he passed it was quite violent and she witnessed this. She put up a very strong front for the sake of her family however, she never really had the time to grieve before she flew back to me and my son. It was difficult for me, I didnt know what to do...I am an emotional support klutz and was afraid to say anything for fear of having it all come out wrong. Life seemed to go back to normal...though I was terribly concerned for her mental state of mind. We still did giddy things with each other but about 2 months after she came back...

 

 

I was beginning to notice some changes, she spent a TON of time playing an online game. She was home alone during the day which gave her too much time on her hands for thoughts to swim around in her head. I tried to reach out to her but she took everything I said as nagging...I said maybe if you get a job...keep your mind busy for awhile, even if it was part-time. I suggested she join a grief group...or heck doing little things around the house. I wanted her to stay off the online game which she was litterally playing for 6-14 hours a day and look at herself!! She was slipping away and soon I withdrew into my own hole due to feeling inadaquate/failure etc...

 

 

I knew she wasnt happy, and I made suggestions maybe she should go home, be with her family to help her through this since she was shutting me out. So she made the choice and it ripped me to pieces, I had hoped she would say lets do this together but instead she said she was leaving in a week. A flood of emotions came...oh how I cried but I knew that it was the best thing for her, to be with her family. Well one night I was going to work on her computer, do some application and registry clean up and I went into her email...which in the past has never been an issue. How I wish I hadn't...she had been carrying on with another woman...she had been lying to me for weeks saying she was calling her cousin in california...it was that woman.

 

 

I felt like I was in a movie and suddenly went numb. I confronted her with it...she said it was nothing and that it was a mistake she wanted me to be there but I wasnt etc..that whole last week I was like a schitzophrenic rollercoaster going from one emotion to another. I didnt want her to go anymore and begged her to reconsider...it wasnt an option. I was home all that week sitting loving her, hating her, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what I could've done. She never once ever said, "hey we have a serious problem here and if we cant fix it we need to split" I never had a clue! I packed her things for her...while she played on that game. I would just break down and cry often.

 

 

We talked and admited that somethings needed to be worked on but we were going to give it a try...we had done the long distance thing before we could do it again. We talked about my son and I moving out there, she even gave me a website to the local newspaper to look for apts and employment. Well, I got the cold shoulder alot after she left, I would call to see how she was doing and she would be very flat. I was always thinking about the other woman, but I wanted to trust her. I was trying so very hard not to be jealous but I had this pit feeling I knew my gf well and something was definitely a miss.

 

 

Then I went to use my phone card and it was in use...for 4.8 hours! This became a daily thing...I knew what this met as I was there once myself...I would get jealous...say in online chat to get off the phone and talk to me...she would lie about being on the phone. She seemed to forget it was my calling card. I became driven to find out who the other woman was and eventually I figured out who it was as I played the game occasionally too...she denied it. It was a cat and mouse game for 4 weeks each one making me feel further away from her making me feel more heartbroken and desperate to fix it.

 

 

Then one day this other woman talks to me...and the poop hit the fan, my gf had lead me on for the last month in a half and never had any intentions of working on anything, I called her on the phone she was so cold, blunt and flat saying she was with the other woman now. OMG! It was then it hit me that she had been toying with my emotions as if they were nothing...she draged me through the mud and accross cliffs and back into the ocean to let the salt fester in my wounds and make me suffer more! I lost all sense of reality, commonsense...I made both of them think I was going to hurtmyself...and

 

 

I did to a point but that was due to stress and a bleeding ulcer, I called her on the phone and said "I failed this time but there will be other opportunities". What was I saying! I have a son...I was not going to do anything. Suicide is a bad thing with her as many in her past have taken their lives that way...I knew this yet still said those daming words. I wrote to her, apologizing...knowing that no amount of remorse was going to make things better. I felt used, and taken advantage of...I wanted her to feel the hurt I did. And she did hurt I have no doubts there, but she told my friend that she will NEVER forgive me for what I did to her...what is worse she and the other woman are not shall I say "an item"" anymore but still remain very close and she has blamed me for that....she has not spoken to me fo almost a month, has made my 8 yr old feel rejected. Knowing fathers day was coming up and that it would be a tough day for her, we had 3 yellow roses sent to her and I wrote a poem that was to be deliver with it. I want so much to just talk to her but she has shut me out...I have no one to turn to...I am not *out* I cant eat, I cant sleep I am so heartbroken I cry in the worst places. Everything and everywhere is a memory...I am lost without her, she was my first lesbian relationship and she really is a wonderful person but I fear she has lost herself too...please how do I move on...

[Heretic]

What I got lost somewhere, what did you do to her that she'll never forgive you for? That'd really help me make a call here.

[Mish]

Yes I know...it is long winded, confusing and the fingers took over. She will never forgive me for

 

1. Having me make her think I would hurt myself

2. Having her relationship dissolved by the other woman due to too much drama.

 

I went over the deep end, I pulled myself back but I feel so hurt, betrayed and all the other stuff that goes along with it.

[sisterlynch]

This is one of the very difficult life issues that none of us has been through, so you'll need a professional to look in on this one!

 

Don't listen to the other woman. She doesn't have your best inerest at heart...you know that. Don't ask her back, just let her go!!

 

I really hope the best happens!!!

[calibabe007]

I know this may not be what you wanna hear, but when life's meaning is lost, and life is mearly a a game of highs and lows, i have found that God is there. He is there when life is great and when life sucks. He put the meaning back ito my life whne I had none, he helped me through some of the hardest trials of my life, and was there every step of the way. Trust in him,and see where life goes. And remember, when you think thats no one has been where you are in your life, he has.

Best of luck!

Calibabe007

ps. if you wanna talk one on one email me at email removed

[dextro]

Okay, I don't want to be mean here but its all about logical and emotional and I don't believe in any god I do respect that but you should respect the fact as well that people may not want to believe in it. I have friends who are catholic as well but they dont put ads in the name of god kthx.

 

peace

 

Jeff l. Spiegel

[Mish]

I was told today she has gotten back together with her online woman and that they are strong and she never wants to talk to me in this lifetime ever again. I am so sick...crying I have no where to turn. I feel very alone...I was not the enemy why did she make me hers? I did so much for her and I dont know how to get past the heartache...I feel my heart has been ripped out...

[calibabe007]

Excuse me for trying to help. Just because you havnt found God yet doesnt mean I cant post trying to help someone who asked for help. If you have a problem with this you cant talk to me seperatly by emailing me at email removed or by dropping a personal message. But I will not stop trying to help some lost confussed person find truth and fufillment! Sorry!

[sisterlynch]

Do things to make yourself happy, esp things that she didn't like doing. Find a new identity. You need some friends for support or your family.

 

If you don't want therapy, try to get some exercize and that will make you get rid of some of the ugly feelings of helplessness. Exercize makes you feel in control and more attractive and that way you'll have lots of people who want to get to know you better.

 

Try moving or getting a new roommate. I heard on the TV today that they have special services for people who are single parents to get together for support, that may help you branch out and network to meet new people.

 

Lots of luck to you!!!

[Mish]

I am trying to be me, but I dont even know who that is anymore. I have always been very independent, strong, practical and level headed. Somewhere I have lost all that. My son was worried about her wanted to send her flowers on fathers day (her dad passed away in jan of this year) so we sent them and I wrote a poem for her. It was ment as a thoughtful thing but I think it was takin as something else.

 

 

She never phoned to say she received them so I went online under my friends nick and was talking to my ex but she figured out it was me and it caused a real mess. She gave my MSN nick to her new gf and she threatened to fly accross the country to kick my you know what...I thought I was having sanity issues but this girl just fired off on me saying she tried to be nice and that I pushed her too far. Am I missing something here? I thought I was the one who got railroaded. I wrote a rude email to her in a fit of rage.

 

 

I sent the ex an email saying I never intended for any of this mess and I was letting go because my holding on was only causing myself to become manic. Her leaving me came right out of left field I wasn't expecting it and am still in a blur. I have to admit I probably pushed my ex right into the arms of the other woman but my desparity caused me to snap. I still love her and hate her but I know it is time to let go.

 

 

I am going to counseling and it works when I go but I have lost my job and have so much time on my hands all I do is think about what I could've done differently. It is not just me, my son said lastnight he wished the ex would be nicer and come back (she has gone back to her home state). I tried to explain in the best way I could that was never going to happen then asked him to stop trying to contact her because he was just going to get his feeling hurt. The ex and her new gf think I am using him to get to them, I NEVER would do that to him. He phones and email because he cares about her and he has always been instructed not to discuss me. It tears me up to see him hurting. She was the only second parent he ever knew as it has only be he and I for many years til her.

 

 

I am 34 and feel so alone. I try to keep busy but it isnt enough, what is worse is when I come accross little notes and cards she used to leave for me saying, "I love you" and "you and I were ment to be" that is damn difficult to swallow. I know I am not the only one in the world suffering from a broken heart but I need this hurting to stop for my sanitys sake and my sons. Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement.

 

 

If anyone wants a new chat buddy I am on MSN it would be nice to get to know some new people or drop a line to email removed

[sisterlynch]

Your depression is understandable...where will it lead?

 

To better or to worse?

[redsuede]

I have been through a lot of what you have been through on this one. let me just tell you that you didnt deserve what happened to you. I see that you were there for her during her tramatic times, and finding ways to make her feel better. She left you. Just like that. Nothing inbetween the lines. Sometimes you just need to say to someone that you are worth more that what they think you are. Give yourself respect back. You are not being fair to yourself if you wait around for her. I know you have already been through intense pain over this. She had used you if you think about it in so many ways. Your best interest is not at her heart. Take time to greive and cry, and then pick yourself up and remember no matter what your situation is, you have made way for someone to come in and sweep you off your feet, just like you tried with her. Be good to yourself first.

[Mish]

Gosh I could never imagine anyone going through what I did...it was so painful. I am fairing pretty well, I am not ashamed to say I am going to counseling and it has help me in so many ways. I still havent talked to the ex and I admit I have my occasional weak moments of wanting to call her but my strength always prevails and I am able to beat down that urge. I have come along way since my first post and I still have a tough road ahead but I feel confident in myself that it will all improve with time. It wasnt that long ago that I didn't think I would make it through all the pain and heartache but I am finding myself back among the land of the living again. It will take along time before I believe in anything with regards to love, being jaded sorta hardens the heart hehe.

 

For those who have been reading and have been to shy to speak up...just let your fingers flow...it felt good for me to get it all out and I am sure it will you too. Heck, I have even made a friend or two. Best thing I have realized is that I am *not* crazy or psychotic, I am only human with all too human feelings. There is no magical formula or any perfect way to deal with lifes hard blows but it is true...time does heal and in the end it will make you stronger.

 

To all you lost souls...hold your head high and keep it real! Believe in yourself!!!

[Mish]

So after my break up I was feeling pretty good the the ex calls and says she wants to try again...well after a few months of the long distance thing I am conviced to pack up my life and move 1300 miles to her...well things were great for about a year...then she just pulled the same exact BS, calling this chick while my son and I are sleeping...last time it was because her father died...and she said I wasnt "emotionally available" not this time she blames my son...give me a break.

 

I am sort of dependant on her for a few things, so here I am 1300 miles away from home, no friends, no job and no transportation...I live in the boonies so walking or bussing isnt an option bleh.

 

 

so I am feeling so sick now, I have constant migraines, I just cry all the time, I dont know if it is due to hurt or because I was so stupid...

 

I am really in need of a friend right now

[mgirl]

Jeepers Mish, what a story. All i can say is that you have done it once (got over her), so you can do it again. I think this time you have really seen her for what she is haven't you?

 

You gave her a second chance, which is an admirable thing, but now is definitely time to move on.

 

I was in an on and off relationship for a year once (not as long as you) and at the end i realised that the on and off thing was just a waste of time. In order to be happy with someone else, you have to be content or at least happy with yourself first, or else you are always looking to the other person for what is missing in yourself.

 

You have quite a clean-up job to do right now. The first thing you need to do is get away from her and get a job. Don't do anything stupid, because your son sounds nice and he needs you. Also, things can get better, you just have to get away and do not go back to her.

 

I thought the flowers and card for her on fathers day was a nice idea. You sound like a good person who can do a hell of a lot better than what you are doing now.

 

There are other people out there, you just have to get yourself up and out and re-establish your life. You have done it before and can do it again.

 

Just post here if you need any support. Yes, life can be a lonely journey, but at enotalone, you are never alone!

 

Mgirl

[mgirl]

PS. You are not 'stupid'. You gave it a go and it failed, so now it is time to move on and find someone else who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

 

And also, make sure in the future, you have a few friends, or stay in touch with the ones that you have, and always ALWAYS be financially secrure and indepedent.

[Mish]

I know I will be ok eventually and I'll prevail but atm I feel so betrayed. I do try to keep intouch with people back home but they arent terribly supportive since the told me not to go in the first place.

 

Just everything is a mess and complicated I sat here all day trying to find a somewhat decent chatroom so I could talk and get things off my chest course mature and chatrooms have never mixed so that was a bust hehe

 

I wont do anything stupid, but my sons B-day is this week so I dont want to ruin that for him.

 

Trust is very hard for me now and I am not so sure what hope the will hold out for future relationships.

[mgirl]

Well, i guess you wouldn't be thinking about anyone else right now, i just said that to make you feel better and to give you a vision of the future, because one day, you will want to meet somebody else.

 

In a way, i can understand what your friends back home are feeling because you asked them for advice and kind of ignored them anyway, but you had to do what was right for yourself and that, you believed, was to get back with your ex.

 

As i said before, i believe the best thing for you is to piece your life back together, by getting a job and moving out and moving on.

 

This girl saw that you had moved on and tried to drain the rest of the life out of you. Don't let her succeed anymore.

 

Good luck and keep us posted

[Mish]

Well she packed a bag and left today, I knew it was coming but why do I feel so hurt.

 

The whole time she's tried to hug me and wipe away my tears and say she still wants to be a part of my life. I am sorry but I am not built that way, I don't want to ever see her again let alone be friends. My son thinks he is to blame, he is worried for me because all I do is cry. I have no where to turn and even if I did I have no transportation to go so that going to put a damper on the job search.

 

She left me with a mountain of bills and a broken heart I litterally feel stuck.

 

To add to the drama my son goes to the same childcare home she works at. I dont think it would be fair to send him there with him feeling like he is to blame. But then that is punishing the person who owns it. Dang this is a mess. Plus he goes to see a counselor every monday which I have no way to get him there. She is like "you can use the van whenever I am working" I feel stuck between stubborn pride and the nescessity to get him to that appt.

 

dang my head hurts, my eyes are buring and feel as if I am going to be sick.

[mgirl]

There is nothing wrong with pride, without self-respect, you have nothing.

 

She has done you a favour by packing her bags and leaving, but what to do with your son is the next question. At least you have the van so you can weigh up whether you want to see her and take your son to the counsellor, or whether "stubborn pride" is going to stand in your way.

 

What you are experiencing now is normal. You are in a sort of shock, so i suggest you go through the grief (shock is the first stage) and then try to find a job. Don't let it go on for too long though, just feel it and then pick yourself up.

 

You will be surprised, you can come a long way when you put your mind to it. When you put all your eggs in the one basket and remain exclusive to someone, you lose a certain part of yourself. You just need to find that part again.

[leicesterstreet]

The most beautiful and rare flowers are those that bloom in the face of adversity.