Mish

After taking a year to get over a super bad relationship I decided well time to move on. So I joined a dating site not really expecting much, I am pretty friendly and will talk to anyone but I have never been much of a pursuer. Well things usually happen when you aren't really looking and this chick has really got my interest. We have gone out a couple times but... I am playing it cautious which is cool, but I am afraid that I might be playing it too safe and am coming accross as a hard butt lol. I have never been much of a conversation starter so what are some get to know you sorta topics, you know ones that dont fizzle quick.

I agree with the "bringing your work home" statement. I when I discussed that maybe I send my son somewhere else she would get mad. When I suggested she move her computer to the other room so he wasn't always in her face so to speak she wouldn't hear of it. When I tried to set up an appt between his counselor and and us....she forgot. I know I am better off without her I it is the sudden life change, it is so hard to get used to. Life as I used to know it is now over and I need to accept that but I am having such a hard time with it. She wants to remain friends and I am not so sure I can do that, it is so painful for me to see her. I feel in a downward spiral and I cant grab onto anything to stop it.

My ex and I have only been together about 3 yrs. She moved to my state and things seemed fine but after a year she left me due to an internet affair with a woman in California. Course it didnt work out between the two. You can check my forum history for that drama. I loved her deeply and moved 1300 miles from home to try and make a go of it with her again and we did sort of resume but it was an unspoken relationship, not alot of discssion and she moved in. I have never been very good at wearing my heart on my sleeve and because of her internet relationship I never had 100% trusted her. My son who is 11 and is very challenging behavior wise ( he is thought to be in the high functioning Austim spectrum) and they bickered constantly they basically didnt have an ounce of respect for each other. I was always in the middle of their feuds and regardless how I tried I was always the bad guy to one of them. Eventually my ex and I began fighting ALOT about my son and how I didnt hold him accountable for his disrespect which I felt wasnt true, but she rode on him all the time, "stop doing that, quit doing this...could you knock off the noise!" It got to the point where I couldnt even get out of bed in the morning without the "your son" issue. I would try to talk to her but she isnt a talker and definitely cannot talk when constructive critisim is involved because she takes it all as a personal attack. She never really believed my son has some challenges and would never bend. Eventually I sorta withdrew because I was so tired of the fighting. The last 3 months of the relationship we never went anywhere because there was always a fight with them two which ultimately wound up with us fighting. And when we fought sometimes I would say some rather mean things sometimes they were ment to provoke a discussion but mostly they weren't anything I ever ment. But we all know we can't take words back especially hurtful ones. Then I noticed a very familiar pattern...she was talking on the internet to this one girl sending messages several times a day often staying up till 1, 2, 3am in the morning. When I tried to talk to her about it she got angry with me said I was trying to create a problem. I thought well maybe I was considering my trust issues with her. Then I found these mysterious phone #s on my phone bill. It was a cell # to someone in Mass. Then I again would as whose # it was. She cussed and said I was off base and creating an issue the wasn't there. Again...I place the burnden on me. Then around the 4th of July weekend, she made other plans that didnt involve my son or I nor did she tell me about them in advance so needless to say I was a bit annoyed. Especially since my car is broke down I have no trasportation. Then she did it again the following weekend and I was wild, I told her I couldnt keep living like this and something needed to be done. She came back from her trip and took me for a ride to tell me she was moving out. I was crushed. I cried like a baby I never really wanted her to go. Since then it has been a rollercoaster of emotions all over again. Her and I talked and she told me she stopped loving me long ago. I came to the conclusion that I just needed to accept what has happened but told her I loved her very much and if this was what she needed to make her happy then I had to let her go. Since then, I have found a "love" letter so to speak about a woman I was jealous over about 8 months ago which validated that the two had been sexually together. That same day I found out that the mystery cell # belongs to a woman she was chatting with online. I felt sick like was punched in the gut. I freaked out, called her at work which is a daycare (which also happens to be where my son goes during the day.) Then when I went to pick my son up I sorta freaked out there throwing the letter at her and telling her she needed to get all her @#$% out of my house immeadiately. Told her good luck with her new internet relationship and slammed the door. Rather disrespectful considering there were a bunch of kids there. Btw...the daycare is practically accross the street, after she was done with work she walked over and talked to me saying she read the letter and yes...it did happen but gave a bunch of excuses like we were separated and she was messed up in the head. And as for the cell # she admitted that it was to the individual I suspected but told me it she had been honest and told me I would have flipped out. I said I would not have been nearly as angry then if she had been honest. I told her she has so many secrets validating my issues with trust. She thinks she does well at hiding them but I eventaully find out about them when I am not even trying and at the absolute worst times. I went to go talk to my counselor today....she cancelled on me and since I had changed my phone # I didnt get the message till I got there...I sort of lost it. I have no form of transportation since she works accross the street she lets me borrow her van but that isn't a reliable thing. I have no job therfore hard to search/keep a job without a vehical, no friends the only people I know are her and her family. I have been sitting in this trailer for the last 3 weeks and I am going out of my mind. I feel Isolated, lonely, unworthy and basically in dispair. Just need someone to talk to. I am so lost at the moment its hard to stay focused. I know it is over but my heart just wants her to come back. I can't stop crying and I feel so empty without her.

Well she packed a bag and left today, I knew it was coming but why do I feel so hurt. The whole time she's tried to hug me and wipe away my tears and say she still wants to be a part of my life. I am sorry but I am not built that way, I don't want to ever see her again let alone be friends. My son thinks he is to blame, he is worried for me because all I do is cry. I have no where to turn and even if I did I have no transportation to go so that going to put a damper on the job search. She left me with a mountain of bills and a broken heart I litterally feel stuck. To add to the drama my son goes to the same childcare home she works at. I dont think it would be fair to send him there with him feeling like he is to blame. But then that is punishing the person who owns it. Dang this is a mess. Plus he goes to see a counselor every monday which I have no way to get him there. She is like "you can use the van whenever I am working" I feel stuck between stubborn pride and the nescessity to get him to that appt. dang my head hurts, my eyes are buring and feel as if I am going to be sick.

I know I will be ok eventually and I'll prevail but atm I feel so betrayed. I do try to keep intouch with people back home but they arent terribly supportive since the told me not to go in the first place. Just everything is a mess and complicated I sat here all day trying to find a somewhat decent chatroom so I could talk and get things off my chest course mature and chatrooms have never mixed so that was a bust hehe I wont do anything stupid, but my sons B-day is this week so I dont want to ruin that for him. Trust is very hard for me now and I am not so sure what hope the will hold out for future relationships.

So after my break up I was feeling pretty good the the ex calls and says she wants to try again...well after a few months of the long distance thing I am conviced to pack up my life and move 1300 miles to her...well things were great for about a year...then she just pulled the same exact BS, calling this chick while my son and I are sleeping...last time it was because her father died...and she said I wasnt "emotionally available" not this time she blames my son...give me a break. I am sort of dependant on her for a few things, so here I am 1300 miles away from home, no friends, no job and no transportation...I live in the boonies so walking or bussing isnt an option bleh. so I am feeling so sick now, I have constant migraines, I just cry all the time, I dont know if it is due to hurt or because I was so stupid... I am really in need of a friend right now

Gosh I could never imagine anyone going through what I did...it was so painful. I am fairing pretty well, I am not ashamed to say I am going to counseling and it has help me in so many ways. I still havent talked to the ex and I admit I have my occasional weak moments of wanting to call her but my strength always prevails and I am able to beat down that urge. I have come along way since my first post and I still have a tough road ahead but I feel confident in myself that it will all improve with time. It wasnt that long ago that I didn't think I would make it through all the pain and heartache but I am finding myself back among the land of the living again. It will take along time before I believe in anything with regards to love, being jaded sorta hardens the heart hehe. For those who have been reading and have been to shy to speak up...just let your fingers flow...it felt good for me to get it all out and I am sure it will you too. Heck, I have even made a friend or two. Best thing I have realized is that I am *not* crazy or psychotic, I am only human with all too human feelings. There is no magical formula or any perfect way to deal with lifes hard blows but it is true...time does heal and in the end it will make you stronger. To all you lost souls...hold your head high and keep it real! Believe in yourself!!!

I am trying to be me, but I dont even know who that is anymore. I have always been very independent, strong, practical and level headed. Somewhere I have lost all that. My son was worried about her wanted to send her flowers on fathers day (her dad passed away in jan of this year) so we sent them and I wrote a poem for her. It was ment as a thoughtful thing but I think it was takin as something else. She never phoned to say she received them so I went online under my friends nick and was talking to my ex but she figured out it was me and it caused a real mess. She gave my MSN nick to her new gf and she threatened to fly accross the country to kick my you know what...I thought I was having sanity issues but this girl just fired off on me saying she tried to be nice and that I pushed her too far. Am I missing something here? I thought I was the one who got railroaded. I wrote a rude email to her in a fit of rage. I sent the ex an email saying I never intended for any of this mess and I was letting go because my holding on was only causing myself to become manic. Her leaving me came right out of left field I wasn't expecting it and am still in a blur. I have to admit I probably pushed my ex right into the arms of the other woman but my desparity caused me to snap. I still love her and hate her but I know it is time to let go. I am going to counseling and it works when I go but I have lost my job and have so much time on my hands all I do is think about what I could've done differently. It is not just me, my son said lastnight he wished the ex would be nicer and come back (she has gone back to her home state). I tried to explain in the best way I could that was never going to happen then asked him to stop trying to contact her because he was just going to get his feeling hurt. The ex and her new gf think I am using him to get to them, I NEVER would do that to him. He phones and email because he cares about her and he has always been instructed not to discuss me. It tears me up to see him hurting. She was the only second parent he ever knew as it has only be he and I for many years til her. I am 34 and feel so alone. I try to keep busy but it isnt enough, what is worse is when I come accross little notes and cards she used to leave for me saying, "I love you" and "you and I were ment to be" that is damn difficult to swallow. I know I am not the only one in the world suffering from a broken heart but I need this hurting to stop for my sanitys sake and my sons. Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement. If anyone wants a new chat buddy I am on MSN it would be nice to get to know some new people or drop a line to email removed

I was told today she has gotten back together with her online woman and that they are strong and she never wants to talk to me in this lifetime ever again. I am so sick...crying I have no where to turn. I feel very alone...I was not the enemy why did she make me hers? I did so much for her and I dont know how to get past the heartache...I feel my heart has been ripped out...

Yes I know...it is long winded, confusing and the fingers took over. She will never forgive me for 1. Having me make her think I would hurt myself 2. Having her relationship dissolved by the other woman due to too much drama. I went over the deep end, I pulled myself back but I feel so hurt, betrayed and all the other stuff that goes along with it.

This is a long soapbox...but I really need help. My gf has had a rough time, lost her grandfather last August and then found out New Years Day that her father had terminal cancer and she needed to fly back home asap. Her dad was her best friend, never judgemental of her and always there when she needed him. He passed away nearly 2 weeks to the day she flew back home and sat with him everyday. When he passed it was quite violent and she witnessed this. She put up a very strong front for the sake of her family however, she never really had the time to grieve before she flew back to me and my son. It was difficult for me, I didnt know what to do...I am an emotional support klutz and was afraid to say anything for fear of having it all come out wrong. Life seemed to go back to normal...though I was terribly concerned for her mental state of mind. We still did giddy things with each other but about 2 months after she came back... I was beginning to notice some changes, she spent a TON of time playing an online game. She was home alone during the day which gave her too much time on her hands for thoughts to swim around in her head. I tried to reach out to her but she took everything I said as nagging...I said maybe if you get a job...keep your mind busy for awhile, even if it was part-time. I suggested she join a grief group...or heck doing little things around the house. I wanted her to stay off the online game which she was litterally playing for 6-14 hours a day and look at herself!! She was slipping away and soon I withdrew into my own hole due to feeling inadaquate/failure etc... I knew she wasnt happy, and I made suggestions maybe she should go home, be with her family to help her through this since she was shutting me out. So she made the choice and it ripped me to pieces, I had hoped she would say lets do this together but instead she said she was leaving in a week. A flood of emotions came...oh how I cried but I knew that it was the best thing for her, to be with her family. Well one night I was going to work on her computer, do some application and registry clean up and I went into her email...which in the past has never been an issue. How I wish I hadn't...she had been carrying on with another woman...she had been lying to me for weeks saying she was calling her cousin in california...it was that woman. I felt like I was in a movie and suddenly went numb. I confronted her with it...she said it was nothing and that it was a mistake she wanted me to be there but I wasnt etc..that whole last week I was like a schitzophrenic rollercoaster going from one emotion to another. I didnt want her to go anymore and begged her to reconsider...it wasnt an option. I was home all that week sitting loving her, hating her, feeling sorry for myself, wondering what I could've done. She never once ever said, "hey we have a serious problem here and if we cant fix it we need to split" I never had a clue! I packed her things for her...while she played on that game. I would just break down and cry often. We talked and admited that somethings needed to be worked on but we were going to give it a try...we had done the long distance thing before we could do it again. We talked about my son and I moving out there, she even gave me a website to the local newspaper to look for apts and employment. Well, I got the cold shoulder alot after she left, I would call to see how she was doing and she would be very flat. I was always thinking about the other woman, but I wanted to trust her. I was trying so very hard not to be jealous but I had this pit feeling I knew my gf well and something was definitely a miss. Then I went to use my phone card and it was in use...for 4.8 hours! This became a daily thing...I knew what this met as I was there once myself...I would get jealous...say in online chat to get off the phone and talk to me...she would lie about being on the phone. She seemed to forget it was my calling card. I became driven to find out who the other woman was and eventually I figured out who it was as I played the game occasionally too...she denied it. It was a cat and mouse game for 4 weeks each one making me feel further away from her making me feel more heartbroken and desperate to fix it. Then one day this other woman talks to me...and the poop hit the fan, my gf had lead me on for the last month in a half and never had any intentions of working on anything, I called her on the phone she was so cold, blunt and flat saying she was with the other woman now. OMG! It was then it hit me that she had been toying with my emotions as if they were nothing...she draged me through the mud and accross cliffs and back into the ocean to let the salt fester in my wounds and make me suffer more! I lost all sense of reality, commonsense...I made both of them think I was going to hurtmyself...and I did to a point but that was due to stress and a bleeding ulcer, I called her on the phone and said "I failed this time but there will be other opportunities". What was I saying! I have a son...I was not going to do anything. Suicide is a bad thing with her as many in her past have taken their lives that way...I knew this yet still said those daming words. I wrote to her, apologizing...knowing that no amount of remorse was going to make things better. I felt used, and taken advantage of...I wanted her to feel the hurt I did. And she did hurt I have no doubts there, but she told my friend that she will NEVER forgive me for what I did to her...what is worse she and the other woman are not shall I say "an item"" anymore but still remain very close and she has blamed me for that....she has not spoken to me fo almost a month, has made my 8 yr old feel rejected. Knowing fathers day was coming up and that it would be a tough day for her, we had 3 yellow roses sent to her and I wrote a poem that was to be deliver with it. I want so much to just talk to her but she has shut me out...I have no one to turn to...I am not *out* I cant eat, I cant sleep I am so heartbroken I cry in the worst places. Everything and everywhere is a memory...I am lost without her, she was my first lesbian relationship and she really is a wonderful person but I fear she has lost herself too...please how do I move on...