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Situationship/more than friends/not quite relationship (not sure what this actually is) is now over and i need help dealing with it.


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Hi, i need some advice on what to do. Its kinda eating me up and dont know how to deal with it right now. Im a 30M and have never been in a relationship before so lack experience. But just over 2 months ago i met a girl 28F. We met online (we both play games) and we got chatting. Long story short it got really intense, we spent every day together if/when we could and i'm talking hours and hours. Eventually it moved to not just text chat but voice chat and webcams too. It got pretty "intimate" as much as can be online. It made it even stronger cus we both own a virtual reality headset and so we could "touch" each other, hugging and so forth. We would play games, chat, watch tv shows together etc... We both told each other we were falling in love with each other. It was a wonderful feeling. We talked about if we got together, what it would look like and how we would do it. 

Now heres the issue. She has a boyfriend. For the last 8 months, the relationship was not going well. They neglected each other. It looked like it was pointing to them breaking up and it came close several times. She did say that if it happened she would have to take time to get over it before anything happened with us which i respect. So heres the situation. I am in England. She is in The Netherlands. That actually doesn't bother me too much but if she were to break up with her boyfriend then she may have lost the roof over her head with no where to go and her college degree would be put at serious risk because of it. He said he wouldn't just kick her out, not right away, but doesnt know if that would last. 

Anyway, shes fixing things with her boyfriend, or trying to. I respect that. To be honest what we did should never have happened. It was wrong and bound to leave one or both of us hurt. Possibly 3 of us. But it felt right at the time and we just went with it. The things we said to each other, the looks we shared on webcam...all that is gone. Its like she flipped a switch and her feelings, if they were really there at all, have just gone. Just over a week ago she was saying "im scared that if we meet up i will fall madly in love with you". I get it, she has things hanging over her. I understand. But i'm having trouble moving on. We still talk, because underneath it all we were still friends. But i'm having a hard time redefining that friendship and looking past the fact that i still really wanna meet her and pursue something. I wanted to take time away from her to clear my head. We deleted each other from basically everything except discord (online voice/text chat app) we kept a chat open incase we really need to talk. The nights are so lonely. We both feel it. The thing is, she apparently only sees me as a friend, her actions say otherwise. She would get jealous if i spoke to other girls. We would talk about sexual things we would do to each other. We always said good morning and wanted to snuggle in bed etc etc... I was there for her when she was really hurt. This wasnt just me pushing this on her, she was saying a lot of these things to me.

So do you think she may be hiding her feelings so she can try and fix things with her boyfriend? Perhaps she never felt anything real in the first place. I dont see how you can flip a switch and they just go. Question is, what do i do now? We cant be together, fine. I get it. But is there hope for a friendship? Is this ill advised? I miss her terribly and she misses me. She was not doing well the other night, she stayed up late into the night. She was hurting herself. I hated seeing her like that and was worried. I stayed with her that night just to talk her through it. She told her boyfriend the following day about it and he got mad that she hurt herself. Its such a complicated situation and i just dont know what to do. Any advice or words of wisdom is much appreciated right now. 



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20 minutes ago, NinjaTurkey said:

But is there hope for a friendship? Is this ill advised?

Very ill advised, yes.

She is not a stellar person, OP. She is essentially virtually cheating on her boyfriend - what does that tell you about her?

You are her emotional crutch, which is not healthy for either of you. And it's terribly unfair to her boyfriend. Stay away from women in relationships. It doesn't matter what sort of sob story they tell you. Just don't go there. You're seeing why that was not a good idea. 

You are going to need to cut communication with her, or you'll never move on.

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She electronically cheated on her boyfriend with you.

I know you won't want to believe this, but I can pretty much guarantee you were not the only one she pulled these shenanigans with. And now it's gone too far and she's pulling back because she didn't really expect it to get to this point. She was playing a fun game.

I'm sorry you're in pain. Please keep in mind that virtual "relationships" are not real. Date women in person.

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It was a 2 month 'rebound'... and fantasy.

She is not with you.  She has a bf where she is.

Yeah, she went too far with you - which was wrong and totally disrespectful - for you and her bf.  😞

It has messed up a 'friendship' with you now... and look, she's hurt herself.  This girl is not right, but troubled.

Is best you just back away, totally.  And leave THEM to work through their issue's on their own.

There is nothing there for you, except hurt feelings, because you were led on.. to nothing.  😞

It happened and it's done.. sorry.

None of that was any good... so now you should just leave all alone.

Work on accepting & healing.. and move on.  You will find someone one day much closer, I'm sure... and let this be a lesson for you.  Do not mess with someone online & so far away.


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It makes no sense to involve yourself with anyone who demonstrates disloyalty toward the person they are with.

That's no basis for a future, because even if you 'win,' you lose.

You'd enjoy your victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that you've promoted yourself from someone she's disloyal 'with' to the next guy she'll turn disloyal 'toward'.


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I might be completely wrong here. But I feel like she’s using you to make herself feel attractive and wanted. 
When a relationship is breaking down, women can feel unattractive, not wanted, and alone.

So sometimes, we fill that void with someone we know fancies us.. it would never be more than a ego boost for us.. someone to replace what we’re not getting at home.. I could be completely wrong. But it’s something to consider. 
good luck with it all x

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