Eyes are open

[Stargazing87]

I have come to realize that I have poor choice in men/partners. 

I choose ones that are emotionally unavailable because they feel safe bc i don't have to be vulnerable with them. I crave vulnerability, but I'm unsure how to acquire it. I read and watch videos about this and attachment theory ect quite often. 

I've been single nearly 2 years and although I want to be loved and in a commited relationship, I feel I'm too terrified to open up to anyone like that again and risk being hurt again. 

I really have no point in this post aside from saying that I do miss being loved and loving someone romantically, but I have chosen to remain single until feel more secure within myself. 

I do get lonely in that aspect and at times it feels that I will feel this way forever. I don't actually believe this, it just feels this way until one day it won't. 

 

Thank you for reading. 

[Capricorn3]

Have you ever considered some form of counselling to help you dig a little deeper to figure out where all this is coming from?  It could be of great benefit to you.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Stargazing87 said:

 I have chosen to remain single until feel more secure within myself. . 

Sorry this is happening. Taking time to reflect is a good idea.

You may want to get better advice than youtube.

For example, there's too much focus on attachment styles and "vulnerabilities". Popular trends but it may not apply to you specifically.

 

 

[Andrina]

How is loneliness any better than getting hurt? Sorry, but with life there is never 100 percent happiness, and life would be boring if it was. How about telling yourself you're resilient and can handle anything life throws you? Because, what else will you do? Melt to the floor?

Practice positive self-talk. You do have the power to choose wisely, and then hope for the best, because no, there are no guarantees.

Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list. While dating, if a person lacks must-haves and/or possesses dealbreakers, break up and try again with someone else. Feel good about being in the driver's seat of your life.

I used to use a lot of negative self-talk. A book I liked that taught me to use positive self-talk was The Key by Rhonda Byrne. There are numerous self help books in the library or for purchase. Find one or more that appeal to you. Take care.

[Rose Mosse]

I usually find the things I fear most are areas that I haven't accepted as weaknesses. If I accept the weakness and am humble, there is nothing left to fear. This inadvertently also means it's easy to spot when others are fearful or insecure. You can use this too when dating and being a bit more aware when meeting different people. 

I agree with positive self-talk. This ends up being more aware of how I think. 

Funks or bad moods are usually an accumulation of negative self-talk or negative thoughts built up over days and weeks. If you keep telling yourself you're afraid, you'll always be afraid. The mind already sets itself up for whatever it thinks it is.

Is it possible for you to work through any mistakes or misgivings of the past? Do you think perhaps those videos are hindering/limiting you rather than helping? 

 

[Stargazing87]

On 12/17/2020 at 9:19 PM, Capricorn3 said:

Have you ever considered some form of counselling to help you dig a little deeper to figure out where all this is coming from?  It could be of great benefit to you.

I've been in therapy for 4 years, which helped to uncover some deep rooted issues. She's pointed out that I have a fear of commitment due to my past. Therapy has helped a lot. 

[catfeeder]

Before being tough on yourself, consider that we ALL choose the wrong people before we can strike the right combo of finding the right person and being ready for the right person.

Until then, we keep making messes. We also choose what we learn from those messes. We can either consider them learning devices, or we can drill ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of.

I see nothing wrong with taking breaks from dating. Sometimes what starts as a period of injury or grief can evolve into a transformative time of self discovery and confidence building.

Nobody is fully confident about dating. It's a level playing field. As long as your breaks are about building yourself UP rather than tearing yourself down, you're on the right track.

Head high.

[SherrySher]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Before being tough on yourself, consider that we ALL choose the wrong people before we can strike the right combo of finding the right person and being ready for the right person.

So true!

It sounds like you know what the problem is, you have all the right ingredients to create the version of yourself you are wanting, you just have to take the time and focus on growth and healing within you the issues you keep facing.

It sounds like you're on the right track though!

Self help books are great too for giving you information and to help you learn new skills. There are also many groups online that focus on the issues you are talking about and will as well give you further information, as well as support.

The key is the learn to value yourself, love yourself and focus on your own strength, so that you don't feel you need someone in order to feel those things.

Once you are stronger in those areas, dating won't be as intimidating anymore as it won't be something that will destroy you if it doesn't work out.

You are going in the right direction. Keep going 🙂