Am i such a horrible sister?

[AriannaDL]

Hello my name is Arianna and i am 22 years old.

 

I am extremely sorry for my bad English, in several occasions i searched some words on the internet.

For obvious reasons i wont write any other name except mine.

I have to apologize because in the beginning i had no intention to write such a long text but as i kept on writing i realized that my story was kinda intriguing and decided to write my story in detail and as clear as i can remember it.

 

So …

 

In high school, there were 2 boys that were known among all the girls as «the first» and «the second». To this day it’s still on a debate who was the first and who was the second. Being best friends from the first year and two of the few boys that had bikes (only few students had) made them the two most popular boys in the school when they reached third year. Not to mention their looks, very similar to each other, same height, black hair, same body shape and both were in the school’s football team. Their group of friends consisted of several boys but the two of them were the main ones. They were a constant headache for the principal. Fights, cigarettes, badmouthing, mocking and imitate the teachers, breaking stuffs and even "rumors" of sexual acts with some girls in the toilets. Typical "bad" boys . They may have caused many troubles (there was one time when the principal punished our whole class for those two) but they were just kept on laughing about it, making our high school life a funny and a happy place. They were also voted to be members of the student’s "15 members" council. And being a member of that council made them organize our "5 day school trip". (By the way everyone in our country knows that this "5 day school trip" is nothing more than a "defloration" mostly for girls)

 

Near the end of the season i decide to make a move on the "first". Yes, i was virgin back then and i was in love with him because he seemed so cool. It was only natural back then for me wanting him to be my first. But there was a "little" problem that was holding back my plans. The "second" one. Or should I say, my twin brother. Because being the "5 minutes" older sister of your love interest’s best friend is not an easy thing.

Anyway, when I found the chance and asked him about his feelings towards me he told me that among the first things my brother told him were:

"Whatever you do, just … DON'T MESS WITH MY TWIN" Knowing my brother I already knew that he would feel that way. But almost every girl was in love with those two and most of them had already experienced a "complete" relationship. Except me of course. It felt so unfair.

At this point i have to say that besides the obvious disadvantage i had, i also had some advantages.

1) He came many times to our home and we talked sometimes (nothing special of course)

2) While i was riding on the back of my brother’s bike on our way for home he was usually joining us riding his bike next to ours and i hear their talks, every time there was a red light, thus learning more information about him.

3) There was also a time when we had to do a common exercise at home. Me, my bestie and those two. Obviously the boys didn’t do anything except on keeping us company and make us laugh with their jokes. But we had a pretty good time back then.

4) He also came twice at our home for a sleepover. That was like a dream becoming reality but sadly i couldn't find a chance to stay alone with him since the "second" one was always around.

Anyway, when i made the move, i expressed my feelings and told him i wanna try to have a secret relationship with him and see if it’s gonna work. He also admitted that he kept on suppressing his feeling towards me and right now (at that time) he is confused. So i kept on playing with him almost everyday with my eyes while we were on our bikes, staring at him, blinking an eye, giving him smiles etc. I even kissed him in the mouth one time when he was in our home. And the day came when he approached me by himself and told me he accepts my "offer". All of our dates were kms away from our typical spots for obvious reasons. The problem was that we couldn’t have sex, since neither i could go in his house, neither he could come to mine. So after almost 3 weeks of making out at some random parks of the city, the time for the "5 day school trip" came. The destination was a lovely 5 * grand hotel with a big pool. He purposely choose my room to be on the 2nd floor because he and my brother were on the same room on the 1st floor. At the second night the "second one" was "busy" with a girl so the "first" decided that this is our chance. He came to my room while my bestie, in order to help me, went on sleeping in another room that night. That was it, we were finally alone in the same room with a bed.

But, then something happened to me i cannot describe it. I started to cry for an unknown reason. I think i had stress. I just couldn’t do it. At that time i felt like i didn’t want to do it. There was something wrong with me? I ‘ll never know. He kept on trying to calm me down. Telling me not to worry that much about it and things like that. After almost an hour he continued on pushing me to have sex. He kept on kissing my body, touching me and trying to undress me. I told him to stop but he continued. I yelled at him:

- STOP IT !!

He said a very dissatisfying "ok", dressed up and exited the room without saying anything. The whole night i kept on crying and cursing myself about that. I couldn’t believe i missed such a chance. He didn’t spoke with me for the next 2 days/nights. There was only one night left and i said to myself:

- It has to be tonight.

I went to their room in the evening supposedly for taking a shower gel from my twin's bag and gave him (the "first" one) a secret message. (I didn’t wanna use messenger those 3 weeks to communicate with him because i was too afraid of getting caught). Well, he got the message and he came to my room at the exact time as i told him to. We didn’t said almost anything. He immediately started to kiss and undress me. Then we lied on the bed completely naked. Before doing the "main event" we ve done some "preliminary" things. But anyway, here we are. As he puts his condom and comes over me i … hesitated. My heart was beating very fast i couldn’t control it. I just hesitated and started to cry again. He tried to calm me down with his words but still. I couldn’t do it. I got up and was putting my clothes on, he tried to stop me from doing it, so i accidentally slapped his hands telling him to let me go. He got angry, threw my clothes away and pushed me onto the bed. I really thought he was going to rape me so i told him that i 'll scream if he forces me to it. He got up and started getting dressed. Then we began arguing for almost half an hour and the conversation went like this:

 

- What exactly do you want from me? Do you even know?

- I already told you, this doesn’t feel right.

- That was your idea, this ing secret relationship. And all those ing rendezvous. I never wanted to mess with you in the first place.

- Oh really, and why did you came here then?

- You ‘re just a shy little virgin who wanna act like a but it doesn't suit you. You know what? I ‘ve had enough. Not only i lost my "5 day school trip" without ing a chick like i should do, i am still losing my time trying to beat some sense to a stupid virgin like yourself.

 

And he exited the room. I was so mad about those words he said to me but i was also mad about myself. I knew that it’s also my fault things went like that. When we came back from the "5 day school trip" nothing really changed. That argument was our unofficial separation. While we were on the the plane for our return, my brother asked me why do i look so depressed. And the "first" one heard him and said: "she probably had a good time till now and is too sad that it’s finally over" giving me a cocky smirk. I clearly perceived a bit of irony in his voice but i didn't respond.

Anyway after returning home we didn’t spoke to each other for the next 2 weeks. As we entered the "exam season", we had plenty of free time since we had to write only 1 exam test per day. I found a chance outside of the school under a tree and tried to have a talk with him believing he would still have feelings, while my twin was still writing the exam (he is always late) but … he had an unusual cocky attitude. He seemed so different, he told me that he already is ing another chick (yeah that’s exactly what he told me) but even if he hadn’t, there was no way he would come back and play hide and seek like a 12 years old retard, with an amateur wannabe (his exact words). He also kept on mocking my virginity. I ‘ve had enough and without thinking i suddenly raise my hand and tried to slap him in the face but he countered me, turned me backwards and gave me a hard slap on the ass which made me tear up from the pain and even fall down. He then yelled at me something like: "What are you going to do about it, ? Are you gonna call your brother? Do it, i also have something to say to him about his sneaky sister and her cunning plans" and then he left. Some students may have seen and heard us. Anyway i got up, crying and trying to hide my face from the public. I texted my brother telling him to go home without me because i didn’t want him to see me how messed up i was. I also told him i will go to my bestie’s home first to supposedly read for tomorrow’s exam test. While being there talking to my bestie about those events she came up with a crazy idea. In the beginning I didn’t want to do it but truth is i really wanted to exact revenge on him, somehow.

So, at about 23:00 pm i came home. I think my brother was reading for tomorrow’s exams. One of the few times he actually opens a book. At 4:00 am i pushed myself really hard, on purpose, and managed to tear up. Then i went to my brother’s room and woke him up. At first he thought something happened to our parents but i told him that this has to do with me. Then the conversation went like this:

 

- What is it?

- Today, i was sexually assaulted.

- What did you say?

- I was sexually assaulted.

- If you’re kidding me, please …

- No.

- …

- …

- When and where?

- At school.

- By whom? A teacher???

- No, i didn’t told you yesterday because …

- Arianna! BY WHOM??

- By $$$ (his name)

- WHAT ???

 

He wanted to get more info about it. I told him some details but mostly lies of course. But i ve kept the original ending as it was, since i knew that someone had seen us. I also told him that this was not the first time he tried to hit on me. He has tried to many times in the past. At school, at our home, in the "5 day school trip". But didn’t tell him before because i didn’t want their friendship to end etc. (Lies). My brother was so furious and angry he didn’t even waited till morning. I was acting as i wanted to keep him under control. I told him not to tell our parents about it and he told me something like:

- Believe me that’s the last thing i want to do right now.

Anyway, after almost 40 minutes of arguing with him i eventually managed to forbid him riding the bike because i was afraid he could have an accident if he went riding in that condition. He went at school by buss i followed him and here we are outside of the school at 6:00 am. Me, and my "5 minutes" younger twin, with 2 cups of Freddo waiting. He kept on saying that he ‘ll kill him today or beat him to death and things like that. I told him not to believe anything that guy was about to say to him about me. Because he (the "first" one) already told me that if i revealed anything to my brother he would try to slander me. (Lies of course but i had to prepare him for that)

As more people gathered, i texted my bestie to come earlier, it was her plan after all and i need someone (who knows everything) to support me. She and the other people confirmed to my brother the slap scene under the tree and that they have seen me crying in the ground. Finally we saw him arriving with his bike on the scene, i told my brother that i don’t want to watch nor him not the things that about to happen. He told me, i don’t have to, so i went several meters away and sat on a bench far away from the scene. Everything i know from now on it’s because of my bestie telling me afterwards.

The moment he saw my brother walking towards him and staring at him he understood what was going on so he immediately asked him:

- What did she told you?

- Everything.

And then he rushed at him and grabbed him while some of the students tried separate them. The "first" was trying to explain himself saying that he didn’t do anything to me. But my bestie yelled at him:

- Stop lying, there are people here who saw you slapping her butt and throwing her into the ground. Don’t try to deny it !!

- So what? That wasn't even the case ...

Hearing that, my brother started swearing:

- You bastard, did you just admit it?? Do you really wanna die today, you little ? I am gonna rip your hands off just to make sure that you ‘ll never touch anything again !!

Then he rushed at him again with more force, knocked him down and kept on kicking him in the sides making him scream out of pain so much that even my bestie felt pity for him. After few minutes someone called the teachers and they came to stop him.

My brother was punished and had to write the exams in September again, but he didn’t even care. The "first" one had some scratches on his faces, a broken tooth and some fractures. That incident was known among the students as the "civil war".

Truth is, i personally loved the conclusion, everyone believed me. Our parents never knew what happened. My bond with my brother became even stronger. And of course the "first" one got what he deserved. I will never have to see him again, since that was our last year in high school. My bestie’s plan was successful.

 

So let’s return to 2020. I am a student in a university and i rent an apartment, with my bestie, almost 90 km away from my main home. My twin comes once in a while for the weekend to hang out with us. One Saturday he wanted to get us to a nice restaurant, that was the first time we went to a restaurant since the Quarantine was over. We ate and drank a lot that day. When we came home we watched some movies. My bestie was tired and wanted to sleep while me and my brother kept on talking about, the past, our memories etc. Then he told me something that made me feel horrible. He told me that after $$$’s «betrayal» he could never find a true friend again, because he couldn’t trust any man anymore. That is why he keeps on hanging out mostly with females. That moment i really wanted to tell him the truth but i couldn’t. I just told him:

"i am sorry"

 

So, my question is, should i someday tell him the truth? Does it really matters right now? Will he hate me? Will it change something?

[Rose Mosse]

You were right not to have sex and I think this person was abusive towards you in the way he spoke to you and aggressive, physically abusive in the way he hit you later on at school. This person's behaviour was quite piggish and dehumanizing. Speak to a counsellor at university (there should be resources covered by your tuition) if you need help working through this traumatic, abusive and oppressive experience.

 

I don't recommend dragging your brother into your problems all over again. Sort yourself out first and then when you feel ready and if you feel it will help clear your conscience, speak with your brother. Don't, for one second, believe that you are to blame for your brother's lack of trust in another male. That's his own bag of issues he has to work out with himself and it may have very little to do with you in that passing comment. Leave that for now and focus on getting counselling and support services for yourself.

[AriannaDL]

Hello and thank you for the reply.

 

I never thought of speaking to a counsellor but is it really me who's having the problem? It would be nice to take my brother too but ... i don't know.

[Rose Mosse]

You were verbally and sexually abused/assaulted in the room and at school afterwards. Yes, you should speak with a counsellor. Don't bring your brother into all your problems. It's manipulative and not healthy to keep finding reasons to drag others into your problems and issues. Speak to someone if you can because those underlying issues from the assault and what happened to you need to be dealt with. I'm very sorry about what happened and glad to know that you didn't back down with that person. The problem is what happened to you. This has nothing to do with your brother anymore.