Can I ever compete with her first love? Or is all that just nonsense?

[Tinydance]

Well my first love was a total loser, and I was still in love with him (I was 18-19). Just because they were a first doesn't mean they were great, or even good. Most people's first love is when they're fairly young, in most cases a teenager. In some cases it can be a good relationship but in some cases not. Being the first love, the person is normally inexperienced at relationships and has nobody else to compare their partner to.

 

I don't actually have particularly fond memories of my first love because he was a dropkick lol But I would say if people do have good memories or amazing memories of their first love, "first" is the key word there. It's like the first time you do anything. First time at Disneyland, first time getting your driver's license. You feel an excitement because it's something new that you've never tried before. Some people think fondly even 20 years later of their first pet or first holiday. That doesn't mean the pets or holidays they had later were not good.

 

Keep in mind too that relationships end for a reason. If that "first" love was so special and perfect, there would be no second. The people would still be together now. If they're not then obviously it wasn't meant to be.

[Tinydance]

Hey bluecastle, I think this is a great thing you wrote. :) I often feel this way about life lately, just having turned 30. Back in December, I bought a brand new, turbo charged Civic coupe (I grew up on the fast and the furious movies). You know what happened after I bought it, though? It didn't feel as special as my first car (that I had to junk a few weeks before I got it). I felt, almost depressed about it, about a brand new car!!! My first car was a POS Saturn. But, it was my key to the world. I was so excited to have a car of my own when I first bought that. My new car, it will never amount to that level of excitement. It is slowly growing on me, but it takes time. I have the same feelings about dating. My "first love" at 21, I was so excited to date and see that woman. I was high on life back then. No person since then I have really felt the same level of excitement for, especially after bad experiences and breakups.

 

OP I am writing about myself because it is kind of a reflection of what you are going through, or what you are feeling towards your lady. Everyone has a "first" for everything. And often, things don't live up to or feel the same as when you first tried them. As you have pointed out, though, she has not done anything to make you feel that she is still in love with this person or anything, and that you are "second best".

 

 

 

It sounds to me, like maybe you need some kind of therapy for this. I actually have a similar mental problem to you. I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder this year, and also had what my therapist says is "lost identity syndrome" after going through multiple deaths in my life (including a parent) in the past 3~ years. I just got out of a thing with a woman I've been seeing a couple months now. I would constantly question everything with her. If she's the right one, if I really like her, if she really likes me, if she sees other guys, if she turns me on, if I even like women! I got a serious bug in the brain I had to be medicated for. It's a lot better than it was, but I still am dealing with it and learning to keep it at bay. It shares some similar traits to OCD.

 

It's like being obsessed with the "what ifs" in life, and it's an absolutely terrible mindset to have. You have to learn to become comfortable with the idea of "not knowing". Not needing reassurance for things in life. You know what? Maybe you are "second best" to her. Maybe deep in her subconscious somewhere, she feels no one will ever live up to her first love. But on the other hand... maybe she doesn't care for him anymore. Maybe you're number one in her life. Maybe in her mind, you are the only one she loves and thinks about.

 

Do you really need to start a problem where there is none? Do you really need that "reassurance"? You'll never get it. She may tell you that you're the only one, but there's that part of your brain that will keep questioning it. And furthermore, you even asking that, is gonna strain your relationship. Now, maybe this is the only thing you are worried about, but, I am looking out for you as a mental standpoint. It starts out with something like kinda small like this, worrying about her placing you as second best. Then you start questioning other things about her. Is there other guys she has feelings for, does she see other people behind your back? Who and why is she texting someone while spending time with you? Do you need to make sure it's her parents or relative? Are you even attracted to her anymore, are you feelings real? You can get in this spiral of constant questioning and disbelief. So, I recommend that, if this continues to be a problem, PLEASE go see a therapist! Talk to someone about this. Mental issues can often be squashed when you catch them early in the game. I am sharing this because of what you said with anxiety, and because of how these things have started with myself. This sounds, to me, like the starting point for other questionings about your relationship with her, even if there's absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship. I hope you can figure this thing out and stay in a happy relationship with this person.

 

"It's like being obsessed with the "what ifs" in life, and it's an absolutely terrible mindset to have. You have to learn to become comfortable with the idea of "not knowing"."

 

100% this! We can't really keep thinking about the what it's, because the what it's aren't real. They're just our imagination thinking what if XYZ. But things just are the way they are. And in relationships you actually have no guarantee it's forever but you just have to hope that it is and live in the moment. Who knows, you could still be with a person in twenty years or you could break up in two weeks. You can only do your best in trying to choose the right partner for you.

[TrutHurts]

It is rare to have a first love to last forever. Still, you might not be her last love if you think about it.

[peanutbreath]

I took a little skim through an earlier thread of yours—just a skim, so forgive me if I'm wrong here—but you expressed a sentiment about choosing the "wrong" woman over and over. Unhealthy dynamics, maybe some drama, I don't know. Guess I bring that up to ask: Is this relationship different, in that it is made of healthier fibers? Could you be looking to sabotage it, as you're used to more tension, more anxiety in partnerships? Just food for thought, since what you're doing right now, unless you're not letting us in on some real doom and gloom, is searching for something to feel anxious about.

 

I've never understood this business of "second choice," at least not since, I don't know, middle school. I have chosen many women before choosing my current girlfriend, and I loved a few of them, though of course it wasn't like that, as I didn't know my girlfriend existed on planet earth during those years—years when she was choosing men who were not me, one of whom she was married to for a while, and has a child with. But all that? Just choices. Not first, second, or third. Just individual lives being lived before becoming connected, and braided.

 

One way to think about all this, perhaps? We benefit from people who have been loved, and who've experienced different forms and shades of love, before we come into their lives, and them into ours. That love informs them, opens them up to themselves, teaches them lessons, and so when we meet someone we are kind of part of that continuum. We let go of the person, and the potent feelings connected to them, but that information is retained: emotional information, spiritual information, intellectual information. All that sharpens our focus—our compass, you could say—to lead us to better chapters, richer ones, as her past led her to you, and yours to her.

 

There's something beautiful to that, no? Something to embrace rather than fear?

 

That previous thread makes me cringe now! The fact I got so wound up over a silly little fling that at the time, I didn’t even feel all that keen on still astounds me. I suppose viewing it this way, as something I can’t believe I ever got upset over, is how I hope my gf feels about the past.

 

I’ll try to reframe it as you’ve put as it does make sense. Given I’m going to be locked in an apartment with my gf for the foreseeable future, grinding a probably non-existent axe isn’t the best idea.

[peanutbreath]

You can choose to view it that way if you want to, and nobody here can stop you. It might be more advantageous to rephrase the idea to work in your own favor, such as, "She spent that time settling for him because she didn't know that I exist yet..."

 

Really, we all date people who've loved before. We can spin that into a good thing, because now they're grown into people who can appreciate us in ways that they may not have recognize when they were younger, OR, we can drill ourselves into a hole to climb out of with self sabotage.

 

Choose wisely.

 

I’ll work on the rephrasing in my head, that is a far more positive way to put it.

[peanutbreath]

As catfeeder mentioned, you'll be hard pressed to find someone who does not have a first. Without going back, have you had a first and does that experience interfere with your current relationship?

 

Based on everything you've shared, I don't think you have anything to concerned about, unless you are looking for something to.

 

To be honest my first love is utterly irrelevant and has been ever since it ended. If I were to see her today it would mean no more than a casual acquaintance from school.

 

My second love was a much bigger deal but would never interfere with my relationship. Bumped into her a while ago and we both wished each other well for our new relationships.

[Wiseman2]

Interesting observation. The effect of isolation and impact of this coronavirus will effect people. Will it bring you two closer together or will it cause a rift?

Given I’m going to be locked in an apartment with my gf for the foreseeable future, grinding a probably non-existent axe isn’t the best idea.

[peanutbreath]

Hey bluecastle, I think this is a great thing you wrote. :) I often feel this way about life lately, just having turned 30. Back in December, I bought a brand new, turbo charged Civic coupe (I grew up on the fast and the furious movies). You know what happened after I bought it, though? It didn't feel as special as my first car (that I had to junk a few weeks before I got it). I felt, almost depressed about it, about a brand new car!!! My first car was a POS Saturn. But, it was my key to the world. I was so excited to have a car of my own when I first bought that. My new car, it will never amount to that level of excitement. It is slowly growing on me, but it takes time. I have the same feelings about dating. My "first love" at 21, I was so excited to date and see that woman. I was high on life back then. No person since then I have really felt the same level of excitement for, especially after bad experiences and breakups.

 

OP I am writing about myself because it is kind of a reflection of what you are going through, or what you are feeling towards your lady. Everyone has a "first" for everything. And often, things don't live up to or feel the same as when you first tried them. As you have pointed out, though, she has not done anything to make you feel that she is still in love with this person or anything, and that you are "second best".

 

 

 

It sounds to me, like maybe you need some kind of therapy for this. I actually have a similar mental problem to you. I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder this year, and also had what my therapist says is "lost identity syndrome" after going through multiple deaths in my life (including a parent) in the past 3~ years. I just got out of a thing with a woman I've been seeing a couple months now. I would constantly question everything with her. If she's the right one, if I really like her, if she really likes me, if she sees other guys, if she turns me on, if I even like women! I got a serious bug in the brain I had to be medicated for. It's a lot better than it was, but I still am dealing with it and learning to keep it at bay. It shares some similar traits to OCD.

 

It's like being obsessed with the "what ifs" in life, and it's an absolutely terrible mindset to have. You have to learn to become comfortable with the idea of "not knowing". Not needing reassurance for things in life. You know what? Maybe you are "second best" to her. Maybe deep in her subconscious somewhere, she feels no one will ever live up to her first love. But on the other hand... maybe she doesn't care for him anymore. Maybe you're number one in her life. Maybe in her mind, you are the only one she loves and thinks about.

 

Do you really need to start a problem where there is none? Do you really need that "reassurance"? You'll never get it. She may tell you that you're the only one, but there's that part of your brain that will keep questioning it. And furthermore, you even asking that, is gonna strain your relationship. Now, maybe this is the only thing you are worried about, but, I am looking out for you as a mental standpoint. It starts out with something like kinda small like this, worrying about her placing you as second best. Then you start questioning other things about her. Is there other guys she has feelings for, does she see other people behind your back? Who and why is she texting someone while spending time with you? Do you need to make sure it's her parents or relative? Are you even attracted to her anymore, are you feelings real? You can get in this spiral of constant questioning and disbelief. So, I recommend that, if this continues to be a problem, PLEASE go see a therapist! Talk to someone about this. Mental issues can often be squashed when you catch them early in the game. I am sharing this because of what you said with anxiety, and because of how these things have started with myself. This sounds, to me, like the starting point for other questionings about your relationship with her, even if there's absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship. I hope you can figure this thing out and stay in a happy relationship with this person.

 

Thanks for the detailed response. Can’t really work out whether you are suggesting people always have some internal preference for their first love or not though!

 

My own first is now a complete footnote, as I’ve said just above, so I can only hope my gf feels the same.

[peanutbreath]

hey there

When you love someone for the first time, they have the edge of being...the first.

At some point, the only person you have ever really loved.

 

So it's completely natural to compare your first love to whoever you're currently seeing too.

 

But given that she hasn't really implied anything of the sort, you're being paranoid.

Relax, man :)

 

Enjoy your time together. Her first love was a cheater.

Nothing beats that .

 

So, even if she does compare you with him, you're the obvious choice and I'm pretty sure she knows that :)

 

Thanks, I’ll keep fingers crossed you’re right!

[peanutbreath]

Interesting observation. The effect of isolation and impact of this coronavirus will effect people. Will it bring you two closer together or will it cause a rift?

 

No idea really. Everyone is going through the same thing at the moment and it’s something nobody has done before. It certainly won’t cause a rift, but it’s a big change.

 

I imagine the situation is just as tricky (for different reasons) for couples still dating who don’t live together.

[Wiseman2]

Good point. Getting out to date is probably difficult at best right now. However living together with all the stress, shut-downs and no toilet paper is a brave new world of challenges.🧻🚽

I imagine the situation is just as tricky (for different reasons) for couples still dating who don’t live together.

[bluecastle]

Sounds like you're doing better, or at least challenging yourself to think about this from new angles.

 

My first love? That was high school. I'm 40, so it's been a few moons, and I truly have zero idea about where she is today, who she is. But she still resides in my mind as a wildly important connection. Aside from feeling some big feelings for the first time, she introduced me to a lot of arts and culture and literature—the very things I ended up devoting my life to, personally and professionally, but that I first got into because, well, young boys are eager to impress young girls. Had she been super into LSD, I may have given that a go—but, alas, she was super into Toni Morrison and modern art and articles in the New Yorker.

 

Flashforward 25 years: I am wildly in love, living with a partner, savoring a romantic paradigm that feels completely new, deep and rich and ever-expanding in ways that exceeds the limits of my imagination. Feels like a "first," in short, that was made possible by prior "firsts." To wit: what are things that she (my current girlfriend) and I share in common, bond over, talk about? That same world of arts and culture and literature that a girl in high school first introduced me to, and that a boy or man or a husband in a different life maybe introduced my girlfriend to during a different chapter in her story, before we started writing our own novel of two.

 

To me that is all wonderful, wondrous, something to celebrate more than shirk from. Who we are, in one sense, is the result of where we've been, who we've loved: platonically, romantically, the spectrum. The more open you can be to seeing it like that, the more curious and open you are, and remain, to inviting the full spectrum of someone into your life, your present.

 

Just a little riff in these weird times to hopefully bring some calm, or at least another perspective.