Relationship breakdown and guilt

[MayJane]

There is no way to side step the feelings of guilt while contemplating the ending of a marriage that involves children. Even if it's the most toxic of marriages. Just know the feelings are normal and part of the process. Try to not let it sway you.

 

I made the decision to end my marriage. My sons were 9 and 13 at the time. I knew at the time without a doubt, it's what I needed to do, but yet I still felt guilty. I still do at times. Just know it's normal.

 

I'd be more concerned if you didn't feel that way. This isn't just about you and you want what's best for your child. It's a leap of faith you sometimes just have to take.

 

Thank you. It’s the guilt that then makes me question everything. But now I’m starting to realise its his own battle not mine and my love isn’t going to cure it. He had everything, love a nice home, my family and friends and I guess cause all that will be or has been taken away that he will be left rock bottom which obviously I didn’t want so then the guilt starts. I know I can’t be with him as it’s not right and I feel so much better when he’s not around. Hope the guilt will start to ease and at least reading a lot of messages on here have started to help me in realising things xx

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps the guilt you feel is neglecting and sacrificing your child to hang on to a man who refuses to take care of himself. A two year old can not take care of themselves yet you've chosen to take care of a grown man who drinks and is out-of-control instead of an innocent child.

Feel like I’ve been a mum to him with it all and realise this. It’s a horrible thing dealing with guilt even when you know there’s nothing you should be guilty about.

[DancingFool]

Thank you. I have looked up gaslighting before as I felt like that’s what he was doing. The relationship breakdown was about his MH and the behaviours of drinking excessively, partying and lying not that it had all gone wrong because I don’t show him affection. It’s all been too much for me to take. I got a leaflet from the doctor which has some groups I can attend to help me with all of it as feel damaged from it. I’m a happy bubbly girl and feel like my sparkle has been put out with all of it.

 

Thank you for taking time to reply x

 

Please do get some individual counseling for yourself in addition to attending some of those group meetings. Yes, getting involved with someone like that will cause a lot of damage to you. However, what drove you into this type of a relationship are some of your own personal issues, poor perceptions of what love and relationships are about, this incredibly misplaced guilt you are feeling which is not normal or healthy for you and so on. At some point you have to ask yourself the hard questions of "why did I choose a mate who is damaged? why do I want to keep staying with him? what attracts me to a fixer upper project?" If you don't deal with yourself, you are liable to end up with yet another toxic relationship down the road. You've got to solve what draws you to this toxic mess not only for yourself, but for the sake of your child.

 

What you are learning the hard way is that people are not fixer upper projects in that you can't fix them or change them. Also, that when you get involved with someone like that, you won't bring them up to your level, they will bring you down to theirs and suck the life out of you quite literally.

[MayJane]

Perhaps the guilt you feel is neglecting and sacrificing your child to hang on to a man who refuses to take care of himself. A two year old can not take care of themselves yet you've chosen to take care of a grown man who drinks and is out-of-control instead of an innocent child.

 

With all due respect IÂ’m looking after my child and sheÂ’s not neglected far from it. I might be trying to help my partner but I can fully ensure you sheÂ’s not neglected. My partner or ex should I say is only mostly around in the evening and previously said hes been not drinking and having counselling. Previous to that when heÂ’s been drunk heÂ’s been drunk else where on a night away from my daughter not in my home. IÂ’ve been with this person for 7 years and whilst I understand comments made and how I have acted with my partner is not maybe right with some one with mental issues it doesnÂ’t not mean for one minute my daughter has been neglected. I may feel guilty about how I feel with a situation but it doesnÂ’t mean this guilt is taking over my life and my daughter isnÂ’t getting what she needs. IÂ’ve split up with him and just cause I may still care or wonder or feel guilty about things these im sure are natural things people may go through and question. I appreciate everyoneÂ’s comments as I posted asking for advise but just want to assure you that my child is not neglected.