Bad memory=liar??

[Hollyj]

? Did you mean projects?

Yes. My train stop was coming. Was typing fast .

[perfectsoul]

Well obviously I need to explore this issue more in my therapy sessions bc obviously I’m picking the wrong guys for some reason. I just don’t see the correlation and I know that’s what the professionals are for but still it’s hard

 

 

I would say one very good radar is when someone, very early, tells you about their "issues" as existing in the present tense. Trust issues, commitment issues, whatever issues: when someone announces this they are, in a sense, asking you to reward their issues through romance, to make their issues part of your romantic bonding, rather than having working through them on their own, putting them in the past tense so they can enjoy romance.

 

It can all feel kind of vulnerable and confessional—oh, he or she is "opening up" to me, and so on—but it's really not. Almost the opposite, in ways. If you have a history of finding yourself attracted to people who "open up" in this way, it's worth asking why you're drawn to people who'd rather self-define as damaged than as resilient.

[Hollyj]

Well obviously I need to explore this issue more in my therapy sessions bc obviously I’m picking the wrong guys for some reason. I just don’t see the correlation and I know that’s what the professionals are for but still it’s hard

 

Good for you.

[purplepaisley]

Details about past relationships is a slippery slope, and there is no reason...no reason at all...to know all the details - how many, names, how often. That is a recipe for disaster and things better left in the past. Granted, there are past histories that do require disclosure, but there is no reason to be required to ticker-tape your every dating action.

 

I have been the "asker" in this scenario, and no, it did not go over well...I was young and learned the hard way...some things are better left alone. Certainly people, places, and activities come up. Long-term relationships, bad dates, bad relationship, funny stuff, memories...they pop up. There is no reason to require a list of how many people you have dated or slept with since your divorce or in your lifetime, their names, how long, how often, and any other details they may require.

 

This guy is a nightmare, and this is just the tip of the iceberg...you haven't even gotten into how bad this greenstamping behavior will be in the future and how often some indiscretion comes back to haunt you, repeatedly, and is used against you. This is emotionally abusive behavior. He has to deal with his own personal demons before he can embark on a relationship. Goodness gracious, as adults, we've had experiences and pasts, and yeah, we've probably done the deed before. Do the tiny details really matter that much, or do they just create fodder for jealousy or insecurity? (As your relationship progresses, I promise you, he will store a laundry list of indiscretions he will throw back at you, constantly)

 

It is not your job to fix this man and his insecurities. He's going to make you miserable because any time some conflict comes up, he's going to bring up that guy you forgot to mention as proof of your lies and deceit...do you really want this?

 

He needs counselling and you need to move on.

[catfeeder]

The only reasonable things to discuss about one's past love life are how many times you've been married (public information,) how long you've taken to stabilize since your last breakup, and whether your last STD screening was positive or negative. All else falls under TMI, and anyone who would pry into your past has the kind of problem that will only get worse if you involve yourself with him.

 

Screening out bad matches requires a grasp of the natural odds that most people are NOT our match. That's not a 'bad' thing, it prevents you from wasting time in lousy relationships. Those of us who are relationship material are only seeking ONE 'right' match, so avoid bogging yourself down with fantasies about your powers to rehab a bad match into a good one.

 

This opens up your focus to set up quick meets over coffee on your way home from work. Spend 20 minutes in conversation, and rules are that neither can corner the other to set a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary. Keep meeting wrong matches until you stumble across someone with whom you share chemistry and real simpatico. Then start dating him while you continue an occasional quick meet with others to avoid over-investing as you learn more about the simpatico guy.

 

Learn your own dealbreakers and research how to recognize red flags. You'll build confidence over time, and that will become your driver above inner panic about your age and your bio clock. Those are horrible drivers that can prompt you to latch onto people who will waste more of your time.

 

Head high, and make it a private goal to surprise yourself with your resilience and ability to relax into solo living. Inner confidence is the foundation for your people-picker, because as you learn to trust your own judgment, you'll be less inclined to cater to bad matches, and this will serve you well.