Dating a guy with kids

[catfeeder]

When the goal is to date a person rather than his resume, the only way to do that is to meet him and learn about him. Decide the whether he's right for you or not.

 

Nobody else is living our love life for us, so nobody else gets a vote.

[Wout]

Life is strangely intertwined. When you marry somebody, you not only marry the man himself but also his family, too. Think about it very carefully.

[purplepaisley]

Wout, I absolutely appreciate your story and I'm glad you shared your experience, but it really sounds to me like you took a back-burner to actually parenting this child and having a relationship with this child, which would be your role as a stepmother, and your boyfriend and eventual husband did not encourage a parental bond or friendship with this child and your parental authority. As a stepparent, you do need to step back at times, but this is your home, your marriage, and your relationships, and being stuffed into a corner (voluntarily or involuntarily) was not conducive to creating boundaries and rules and a relationship with your stepchild. My father married my stepmother when I was 12 or 13...she was a timid little mouse who was less involved. I was a good kid who was in the house every-other-weekend. Sometimes we pushed the boundaries. My father and stepsister fought ferociously. She was on father number three, and was pretty pissed off at all of it. She ultimately was removed from the household due to the theft and went to live with her grandmother who coddled her. She has since grown to be a responsible adult, but still hates my dad (her stepfather) and somewhere along the line hated me...I'm not sure why.

 

My mother married my stepfather when I was 14. I lived with my mother primarily. My stepfather was "dad" in every sense of the word, from discipline to paying for stuff, to picking me up from school when I missed the bus, and breaking up the cat and dog fights between my sister and I. He had two daughters before my sister and I entered the picture...he was used to it. My stepfather took on the parental role, and while my mother was the end-all-be all, he was involved and the relationship was fully encouraged in every way. He was the parent.

 

There are a lot of difficulties in working in a stepparent/stepchild relationship, boundaries, yes's and no's and what have you.

 

My children's stepmother would leap in with a couple of crappy snits once in awhile and I told her to back off. That's just a different story. I expected the children to follow household rules while in their father's household, but I did have to step in from time to time with a couple of issues where a hard "no" was involved...that's more of an issue with me and my ex, but the wife/stepmother was an involved party...I actually think she might have been the voice of reason a couple of times with, because the dude was obnoxious.

 

Anyway, my point of the story is, while there are minefields to maneuver as a stepparent, being fully "backseat" is not the best solution. If you (general) take on a family, you get to have a say. Husband and wife need to be on the same page for rules, and some of these rules extend to the mother's (father's) household and rules...it's a balancing act. I haven't experienced it as an adult (stepparent), but as a child, my stepfather was my dad, and my stepmother is just kind of there as my biological dad's wife.

 

I also think that dating a man with a child is fine to experience and determine if this situation will work out...dating is what it is, and we all go in with "I don't knows" and "what am I doing," at times, and it's how we learn what our deal-breakers are. I'm going to echo the others and say...try it. Don't go in thinking you won't be a fully involved parent, and don't go in and expect to be stuffed into a corner while the child runs roughshod, either. There is a middle.

[Wout]

Purplepaisley, I am sorry to say that your conclusion about my previous situation is wholly incorrect or misconceived. I was NOT permitted to parent the kid cos the husband had set ideas of how HE wants to bring up HIS daughter and I should shut up or ship out if I ever thought about interfering. The attitude taken was that I am the "outsider" to their relationship and I stayed that way regardless how hard I tried to fit in. The kid has seen her real mother for the first 4 years of her life, she KNOWS who her mother is and therefore in her eyes, I had no status, not as a step-mother: at best a nobody and at worst someone who is trying to take her mother's place. What is worse is that the kid was husband's princess and that was that. She can do no wrong. If I ever dared say anything against her (e.g. if she behaved badly and needed discipline), husband accuses me of being the wicked stepmom and "not being considerate enough towards a child that had lost her mother". Husband would snap at me to "grow up" or behave like an adult - being deliberately dismissive towards me.

 

My account of my experience with this complete utter waste of time, rubbish of a soon-to-be ex-husband with his kid serves as a warning that such relationships MAY turn out to be really toxic and bad for one's health. I was clear that my view is solely based on my own experience alone and I was also prepared to be criticized and judged for the dim view I had taken about men and their kids. This is probably the worst one would expect to end up. However, I never claim that every one of such relationships will end up like mine either.

 

I am sure the OP will appreciate the knowledge from real life experiences shared that such terrible outcomes are also real (as opposed to fiction).

 

In any event, I don't even know if OP is reading this thread as there is no reply from her on here.