Need An Outside Perspective

[Gabbalabba]

I’m 24 and he’s 25.

 

Yes that is true, I didn’t realize that before. I would hope my partner would want to change if they knew they were acting in a way that was hurting me.

 

I’ve had five relationships that were meaningful (one that was around a year and the rest under 4 months) and many dates/short romances.

I become intimate pretty quick, within the first few dates if I like the person initially. Sometimes I am uncertain whether I want to move that quick but decide to anyway. I have felt pressured before to move fast but sometimes just want to move that fast because I want to.

From most relationships I’ve learned more about the kind of person I’m looking for (someone who is in a creative field, who appreciates the outdoors, is outgoing etc) because I’ve been with people who lacked those things. I often have doubts in relationships about whether I would actually need a partner to be all the things I think I want...that maybe if I just accepted some things I didn’t like, then we’d be great. I had always thought that relationships were about accepting who the other person is so that’s what I tried to do. I think a lot of my relationships have been the wrong fit between two great people, we just weren’t great together

 

That is very true, thank you. That is really helpful.

 

Every time he does something that I think is great though, I feel myself doubt my thinking...maybe I could be wrong. 90% of the evidence is that this isn’t a good match...why do I keep trusting my doubt more than reality

[Wiseman2]

He is abusive and no it's a cycle not a constant so doubt and being thrown off are the only constants. These are ridiculous criteria for a relationship when you are blind to abuse and sadistic personalities. You need to look for better qualities such as integrity and kindness, not how arty-farty or outgoing they are so you continue to end up being treated like crap.. Some therapy would help you understand what abuse is what it looks like and why you are drawn to this. You could also research it extensively online to at least start educating yourself.

the kind of person I’m looking for someone who is in a creative field, who appreciates the outdoors, is outgoing etc

Every time he does something that I think is great though, I feel myself doubt my thinking...maybe I could be wrong.

[lostandhurt]

What you are looking for in a man is not unrealistic. Will you meet a guy that has all the qualities you want? Probably not but if you meet a guy you are attracted to, is honest, not controlling, respects you and others, has a good character, good life and some similar interests then you will be going in the right direction.

 

Relationships are built over time with two people with similar goals and outlook on life working towards those goals together with love and caring.

 

You sound like a caring person that has made to many concessions in past relationships so you are all turned around and don't know which way is right for you. Trust your gut. We all can see this guy is a controlling jerk that has seen your weakness and is now exploiting it to mold you into his version of who you should be.

 

It is time to end this with him, spend some time being single to figure out who you are, what you want your life to be like and then get started on it by yourself. THEN start dating again with your feel firmly on the ground.

 

Perhaps you should hold off on intimacy with anyone new for a bit longer so you can see who he is BEFORE all the sexual stuff clouds both your minds. You shouldn't feel like you have to sleep with any man to keep him interested when you first start dating.

 

Do you have anyone in your life that is a role model? Someone a little older you can talk too? Experience bring knowledge so if you know someone that has a successful relationship talk to her. Don't ask some hot mess for advice what ever you do...

 

Lost

[Gabbalabba]

Just wanted to update here that I have ended things. I realized talking on here and hearing from others that we were not a good fit. I don’t think it’s fair to say he is a bad person for acting the way he does; I know his current and past struggles and what he’s grown up with. It’s not easy to change the way you think. I don’t believe he was abusive towards me though I can understand how someone would think things were emotionally abusive just reading these posts. I think we are both great people who just aren’t a good fit together. Thanks for listening and for letting me share my feelings. I’ve started seeing a therapist to work through my personal struggles and hopefully will be able to trust myself in the future. I knew we weren’t right for each other for awhile and yet I stayed where I was. Hoping to learn a bit more and trust myself this year.