How have you evolved since your BU and what have you attempted to change?

[BreadStick]

I messaged you back Flipp

 

Wow 11moreweeks, it sounds like you evolved so much. How have you managed this? Have you been to therapy to help with the process?

 

Weight is always so tedious, so easy to gain and so hard to lose haha. But you seem to have it all figured out, that's great! Looks like you can plan your career now a lot clearer as well. Have you been able to get any opportunities that excite you?

[11moreweeks]

I messaged you back Flipp

 

Wow 11moreweeks, it sounds like you evolved so much. How have you managed this? Have you been to therapy to help with the process?

 

Weight is always so tedious, so easy to gain and so hard to lose haha. But you seem to have it all figured out, that's great! Looks like you can plan your career now a lot clearer as well. Have you been able to get any opportunities that excite you?

Thanks! Most of it took years of effort, the progress of which I couldn't express due to continuing home issues (I felt like I had to wait until I managed to leave my home until it was all able to be shown). The breakup acted as a catalyst to bring my improvements out of me, then all my home issues being fixed last Summer acted as a kind of cement for it all. I did receive therapy from November through August of last year, which did noticeably help me in reaching me mental/emotional goals, which included a lot of cognitive-behavioral therapy.

 

I'm currently intending to make some graduate school applications in the next 4 months or so, and if those don't come to fruition, I'm planning to save up and move from the Midwest to the Pacific Northwest for a better climate and more opportunities in my field. Nothing set in stone yet, though, so it's still a process of looking.

 

So long as I continue to focus on myself and in improving things that I know I can control in my life, things should fall into place for me, and once they do, perhaps I can date again. I think that's usually the best approach those of us healing from a breakup can take.

[BreadStick]

Improving so many personality traits is super hard, great job! I am going to have my first session soon, so I am excited for the future.

 

Sounds like a very good plan! What do you want to study?

 

Very good point, it does come down to work and improvement. What else can we do but to take care of ourselves and become a 2.0 version of ourselves? Have you had any desire to date again or have you been content single?

[11moreweeks]

Improving so many personality traits is super hard, great job! I am going to have my first session soon, so I am excited for the future.

 

Sounds like a very good plan! What do you want to study?

 

Very good point, it does come down to work and improvement. What else can we do but to take care of ourselves and become a 2.0 version of ourselves? Have you had any desire to date again or have you been content single?

 

I'm looking to get into getting my master's in hydrology or a related field.

 

I've had desire to date again and I've been a little unhappy being single, and that's why I'm choosing to still not date. I did get some interest from women after my initial weight loss, but I'd rather be fully healed before I risk my or anyone else's feelings getting messed up.

 

Good luck with your therapy! I found it pretty comfortable myself, as if I was in control of my own healing while getting some professional guidance.

[BreadStick]

Very interesting field. I am thinking of Management myself. Hydrology is quite complicated, I will hold my fingers crossed for you, so you get the placement :)

 

That's a smart decision. I too am lonely, and a bit unhappy being by myself again, especially so as all my friends are taken so when we go out it is a bit ... noticeable to me that I am missing my ex haha. I was single for so long before, I have no intention of waiting for 4 years again.

 

Great :) I hope it goes well and thank you!

[ShatteredMan]

Even though I'm over my big break up, did the rebound/crash-n-burn and am now into a relationship (frankly it may work out but if it doesn't, that's okay), I'm still angry somewhat but realize that the work I did on myself has made me realize how strong we can be when we close the door a little more each day on the pain of the past. I buried myself in psychology (interpersonal communications, relationship, non-verbal....you name it, I read it) trying to deconstruct my situation which felt like a world on fire.

 

Through what I read, counseling, journaling, working out, taking on a really crummy challenging role at work, my mind eventually stopped thinking about what had happened/false hope of reconciliation/fear of never finding the happiness I had again, etc....I think I slowly (albeit with setbacks) "re-educated" my mind and heart to start working in sync again instead of against each other (if that makes sense) and as a byproduct, realized that I could make myself happy through moving EVERYTHING I HAD CONTROL OF.

 

I had no control of what my ex thought of us, why she broke my heart, didn't see the same value in us that I did, blah blah blah. I eventually realized that relationships that I did have some control over were those with my family, friends, coworkers and neighbors. I realized that none of these relationship caused me pain, why not make the most of them since they were all still on my side.

 

I shut off all of my social media, cancelled my cable (not internet), picked up some weights and my guitars every day, went to bed reading the aforementioned subjects as well as books on professional development, auto racing technique, music theory, history...whatever before falling asleep every night. I would still have urges to cruise by the ex's place as well (and I know there's a lot of us out there that do this - DON'T!!!! Its stalking and weak behavior!) and so I would jump in the car and literally drive the other direction in town until the urge would pass. (Incidentally, I found some pretty cool new coffee shops through this therapeutic technique). I'm not proud that I had to take such Draconian methods (and sometimes they weren't enough) but eventually the absurdity of needing to do these things became apparent as I became more emotionally stable. Do what you gotta do to focus yourself away from them.

 

I guess where I'm going with this is to go ahead and have your pity party but every day find something else that "moves the needle" on your progress by replacing/displacing an urge, a train of thought, your anger with something else. Make yourself stronger each day by taking that energy that you would put into stalking (physically or electronically) and go do something far away where you won't be looking around for them . When you want to check their social media, logoff the site (or better: disable your account) and download a book on relationships/healing-moving on (there's tons of them). When you want to break down and have your 5th self pity party of the day, watch a video on some people that have overcome some real adversity in this world and would give anything to have your life and your broken heart.

 

If you're thinking that you'll never fall in love again, its up to you to CHOOSE WHEN YOU'RE DONE with this pain, staying up all night thinking about what your ex is doing and who they're sleeping with, trying to make sense of how they could have hurt you, hating them for something they probably don't have any regrets about, etc.

 

Take your time and deal with your feelings, but choose to do something different every day that ultimately leads you to an even bigger decision in your life that says, "I'm done with this pain, anger, guilt and I have too much to get done in this world and there IS someone out there that will want the very best "new version" of who I could have always been and today is the day that I CHOOSE to make that a reality by taking this step forward today...."

 

Once you choose to do this, you've taken one step closer toward that light at the end of the tunnel and possibly that person who is going to treasure every moment that you spend with them.

[Editionml3]

Hey this is a good one I just went thru a break up. I now have a relationship with my daughter again. I am seeking self help anger management courses because I yelled which was immature of me. In the process of buying a new car. Skies the limit. And this was all in one weeks time. I realize I was mostly the one to blame so I had to straighten my out.

[BreadStick]

Thank you for the insight Shattered That was a great read and all in all, so true. Keeping busy and building a life your ex is not a part of is essential. The more you add to yourself the more of it the ex does not know, which helps with moving on I think. You are becoming more and more someone who they don't know. A good way of distancing yourself and bettering yourself at the same time!

 

Its great you have done so much already in a mere week's time Edition! When we feel so much pain, I think it helps so much to use that pain to at least make something good of it. You don't have to be too hard on yourself, nobody is perfect. It's a sign of great strength to be able to admit your shortcomings and going the distance to try and fix them.

I am sure your daughter is also very happy to have you in her life again:) All in all, a great outcome from something so sad.

[BreadStick]

I've been MIA for a while, mostly due to illness but also due to having to think about what my therapist told me maybe a week ago.

 

I promised to give you guys an update on how that session will go so here it is

 

I made an appointment for a therapist in November, when I had to go to the doctor due to panic/anxiety attacks and generally being unable to function properly. He gave me some anti anxiety meds and my session was scheduled for this month ( the waiting list here is quite long). It went both well and not so well.

 

 

While I applied for a female therapist I somehow got scheduled with a man which I found out while there so I just went with it. He was nice, maybe a bit traditional which rubbed me the wrong way after a while (who is he to tell me I will eventually want kids no matter what?) so I took the session with a grain of salt.

 

Basically, he told me I was fine, that it was normal to grieve this strongly (though he seemed surprised that 6 months after the BU I was still feeling affection for my ex, what can I say, I don't trust easily but when I do, it is a hard attachment to loose),that I don't need any medicine and that I shouldn't dwell on one man so much. While I do agree with that, he seemed to be focused too much on the whole aspect of excusing my ex's actions because in his words: "I am a man, and a therapist and I can tell you, that most men are garbage. We just are. He broke up with you like that because he was a coward, or he wanted to spare you the truth. Would you want to hear that he never loved you? That he was bored and wanted something else?"

 

I found lots of issues with that. Most men are not garbage for one, my ex however is a coward for how he treated me. And yes, I expect to be broken up with face to face, it would be only right due to the length and love in our relationship as well as his supposed respect for me. He just wanted to ghost me and be rid of me for whatever reason without needing to see me cry or how his actions hurt me. I would also prefer to be told why, not just give me a "I just don't feel like I should anymore. We are not like other couples I looked at so it is better this way." does that even mean?? Naturally I am upset and it has demolished my self worth for quite some time. It came out of nowhere, so it is hard for me to trust anyone now, with what they say. How can something like that not leave scars?

 

But my therapist did give me SOME good advice: I am successful and loving and when I am ready, I will see I have a lot of choice of men for my future, so I should not grieve over one man. He also asked me, why would I want him back, since all these months I have suffered many mental and physical scars due to his cowardice, as it would make my suffering pointless. He said, that I have cried so much and now after my pain is lessening, I would want to make it all null and void if I could?

 

I don't know if I want him back or want anything from him anymore. I should hate him but I don't, I want him to be happy, I want him to find what he is looking for. But at the moment, I just want ME to finally be happy and be myself again.

 

 

I'll remember anything else I will add it, but this was basically it. How is everyone doing?