I don't feel sexy

[Strandysmommy]

My boyfriend says he's attracted to me, he says he thinks I am so beautiful and sexy, and all that. It feels good to hear but I don't believe it. Part of me feels horribe because in doing this I am basically calling him a liar. Like he really doesn't mean what he says.

 

My ex did some major emotional and psychological damage to me, by not telling me I looked good, or if he ever did tell me, it was suffixed with a whiny "but why can't you..." he told me I could stand to lose a few pounds, pointed out all the little flaws and the like. He never encouraged me to explore how sexy I could be. Now this new guy loves that sort of thing, and I feel ashamed, I really don't get it. He has had girlfriends whose sexy looks could clean my clock. Yes they were horrible and they hurt him, and I truly love him, but I...I don't know. I guess I am in a gray mood today.

[rosierizzle]

Tell your boyfriend how you are feeling. If it makes you more comfortable then ask him not to say these things. And anyway it shouldn't matter how sexy or beautiful you are, your relationship should be about whats on the inside! People who date those to which they are only attracted physically will never meet anyone who they truly love and want to spend their lives with. Don't worry about how you look, in time you will be more comfortable with your boyfriends comments on your looks. Explain to him about your ex if you haven't already and never feel ashamed!

[greenie35]

I can relate to what your feeling. I have often wondered why the men in my life have been attracted to me. It's like at first it's kind of an ego boost that I don't see lasting very long, but when it does, it's like I say to myself, "what is wrong with you," When in fact it has more to do with me. I used to be really heavy and I lost a ton of weight. I often still see myself as that overweight girl that no guys were interested in. My ex was really good about telling me how sexy he found me, but like you I often didn't believe him. His ex was super hot...yeah if I were a guy I would have been totally ga ga for her. I think he was intimidated by her good looks and was afraid he couldnt keep her so he dumped her. Regardless of all that, sometimes I feel sexy other times I do not...can't explain it, I think it has a lot to do with hormones. If your man thinks your sexy, show him how much more sexy you can be. Look at his face when he is satisfied and content. Know that you have the power to do that, and try telling yourself that your the only one that can fulfill him like he needs to be fulfilled. He will love you for it and you will gain some confidence in the process.

[Day_Walker]

It seems pretty obvious that you have negative self image issues. This is something that you need to work on. I would recommend helping yourself with this problem before matters get worse. Research this topic and find ways to combat this problem that you have.

[greenie35]

oh and another thing...there is a whole group of guys out there that look for girls who don't feel good about themselve...they take advantage. Be careful of men like this. Not saying that this guy is like that, but guys are quick to pick up on a woman's insecurities. THere are a lot of insecure guys out there they are just better at hiding it. Respect yourself, and love yourself. PM me sometime if you wanna chat.

[cleverme123]

For every one comment that was said by your ex that was bad, it takes 125 compliments to clear that negative thing. Try counseling that may help with your self image

[RayKay]

I believe this is definitely a deeper self-esteem/negative self-image issue as opposed to what your boyfriend is doing/not doing, as clearly he is attracted to you and lets you know so.

 

Do his actions also follow his words...ie he can't wait to jump your bones when you get home, he touches you often (not just sexually), he is genuinely interested in you when you talk, etc?

 

Part of it may be influenced by ex, but its also likely the esteem was not strong enough in first place so it did affect you.

 

I would concentrate on creating more positive body images - through counselling, books, and the BEST way in my opinion it to take care of yourself health wise - go to gym, ride your bike or run, eat well, it goes a LONG way. And remind yourself daily that you are smart, brilliant and your boyfriend thinks you are hot....so remind yourself that you should think the same way!

 

I know how you feel - as a past anorexic I still dealt with these issues, but now I absolutely truly love my body and just who I am in general, I feel sexy, I love working out and pushing my body with cycling/training - I feel confident as I feel strong and really am proud of my self physically and mentally, all all in between....its about more than being thin, its about learning to be comfortable in your own skin and realize there is also more to beauty than the "society defined beauty". I still catch myself sometimes seeing "flaws" or maybe not feeling AS confident and having "fat days", but overall, I am very happy with where I am and am very proud of my femininity and strength

[Strandysmommy]

Oh gosh, my current boy is a saint when it comes to being genuine. He loves to hold my hand and cuddle me. He also enjoys devouring me when we are in the moment. He has stressed that this is not a relatioship build on whether one is sexy or not, or on sex or lust, but pure love and goodness.

 

I have lost a ton of weight over the last 7 months, going from about 156 lbs to 118 lbs. I've been trying to lose weight, and it's happened. I was happy at 130 lbs but it's coming off and coming off. I was anorexic in high school, and that messed me up bad. I don't know, I see all these sexy, alluring girls and think "gosh, they're pretty bold." My boyfriend knows I have issues with that, and he said that it doesn't matter if I put on all that weight I lost, as long as I am happy. He said I make him so happy, words fail him. I can only take that and run with it. But I also realize I could take and sabotage everything on my own with how I doubt myself. believe me, I am MUCH better now than I was in High School or Junior High. It just has a way of creeping up on you and biting you in the rump when you least expect it.

[arwen]

I think part of this is due to the reasons that caused you to be anorexic in high school. I was too, and I recognize your feeling. Not necessarily 'not sexy', more like 'not feminine'. It really doesn't matter what your bf tells you. The voice that denies what he says is not from your ex either. It's from within you. It's the same voice that used to tell you you looked too fat, or you didn't deserve the pleasures of food, or the space your body takes up in the world.

 

I think the anorexia didn't mess up your life, I think a part of your (emotional) life was messed up and the eating disorder in the past was a result of that.

 

Maybe it's wise for you to take some counselling. I know other people next to me have been recommending cognitive behavioural therapy here. Because the set up and lay out of this form of therapy is really simple and practical, I think that might help you to overcome the negative self-image that keeps you from enjoying your loving man.

 

I feel the same about my current man. Also my ex has put me down in several ways, and I tend to accuse him of the things I still fear in relationships. However, it's better and more powerful to acknowledge your own part in what happened in the past, and start healing from it by restoring the faith and confidence you should have in yourself.

 

You seem a wise and strong woman, strandysmommy. Don't let these negative thoughts take over your life and ruin your happiness.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.