Coping with my Dad’s Cancer

[Eliza84]

Chemo, radiation, surgery, bone marrow transplants etc are not pretty either. It is quite grueling and painful for the suffering patient.

 

Yes, I definitely understand all that. He doesn’t want to do the bone marrow transplant as the prognosis even with the transplant is poor. He said that he isn’t against entertaining the idea of Chemotherapy once he progresses and there are a LOT of advances being made in immunotherapy that are really promising, at least in the sense of extending his life and helping him manage the disease.

 

At this point it would be best to stop confronting him with these or those facts and what a fool he is for going to quacks and instead be better at setting up end of life comfort and care. For example have you looked into hospices? Home care? Why not focus on quality of the end of his life rather than disputing facts about quack vs evidence-based treatments.

 

Well on the one hand I agree with you. I should be better and helping him and my mom with things, although I do try to do that. I could be better at it.

 

ALTHOUGH...I don’t see it as being unwise to be interested in these new treatments, and advances in cancer research. As his daughter who loves him and doesn’t want him to die, letting him know about new studies I’ve read or clinical trials that seem valuable (in a positive and encouraging way...not like “you’d be an idiot to keep doing what you’re doing and not do this”) seems like a caring and hopeful thing to do. He is receptive to that, and does a lot of research on his own. I really don’t feel like I try to make him feel like a fool. I am just trying to advocate for him and be a part of the team in looking after him.

 

Also you could suggest helping him with things that give him (not you) comfort such as getting massages, setting up golf games, etc or anything that reduces his stress.

 

I already try to do that for him, but he is a pretty stubborn man who’s always been a workaholic and so he’s still working a lot and keeps saying he’s going to retire and relax but he’s one of those people who has a hard time relaxing. I bought him a gift certificate a year ago for a massage that he still hasn’t used. I agree this stuff is important and my focus is on enjoying my time with him and making sure he is comfortable.

[Eliza84]

What does your mother make of all this? It's sad they have so much on their plate. Hopefully you can be a comfort for both your parents at this time, even if the choice of these unproven treatments goes against your better judgement.

 

My mom and Dad are both into alternative medicine, so she’s been fully supportive of his visits to Mexico. But now that he’s progressed to stage 2, it seems like perhaps they’ve lost a bit of hope in these treatments. They’ve been talking about chemo, and other types of clinics, although I believe my dad still wants to go back and see if they can help him in Mexico. But he’s also been taking about consulting with Myeloma specialists. He’s not completely against Western Medicine.

 

My mom has been trying to be strong and she’s doing a damn good job of it. I am trying to just be there for them. But honestly it’s been so hard for me. I have gone through SO much these last few years myself in my own personal life, and now having to comes to terms with my Dad’s cancer and watching him deteriorate is heartbreaking. I am having a pretty hard time coping.

[jimthzz]

I have to say that equating choosing unproven, alternative treatments and choosing not to be treated is not acceptable because they are two entirely different kinds of decision making. When one has been sick for a long time, it is reasonable to realize that there is not quality of life in continuing treatment. On the other hand, spending all of one's money on unproven treatment is a rebellion against a system, and is also a legitimate decision, but an entirely different one. These are not the same things.

 

Also, as someone who has had stage III cancer and other life-threatening illnesses, the notion put forth that there is a conspiracy to stop a cure because there is too much money to be made in keeping people sick is completely off base. I am alive and healthy because of breakthroughs made in the last ten years. And I have other friends who not along ago would have died quickly from their illnesses.

 

I completely agree, and it really makes me angry that people actually think Pharma is seriously concealing a cure for cancer. That’s completely insulting to the many, many people involved in developing these medical breakthroughs.

 

This is so frustrating. Pharma companies are not suppressing a cure for cancer. Ultimately, every person in the world has someone close to them who has died of cancer - and to think that hundreds of thousands of scientists and pharma execs have the cure but are hiding it from their loved ones.... it's garbage.

 

I am sorry for what your dad is going through. You can't do much for him, as it's really up to him what care he gets. Sadly, I suspect that he will eventually turn to western medicine but it may be too late. Hang in there. Try to enjoy what time you have together.

 

The entire focus of treating terminal cancers is to ease suffering, improve quality of life and in some instances, slow progression of disease and thus lengthen life somewhat.

 

There are curable cancers, cancers that go into remission and may recur and cancers which are recalcitrant to treatment, have a poor prognosis or are too aggressive or late-stage to treat effectively. Keep in mind physicians are scientists, not magicians.

 

Whatever quack treatments he receives in Mexico may make you cringe but for some reason he believes in them and that alone may achieve a placebo effect or give him some sort of hope. Chemo, radiation, surgery, bone marrow transplants etc are not pretty either. It is quite grueling and painful for the suffering patient. Often there is more incentive to go through these painful grueling treatments where there is a better hope for curing it such as breast cancer, many gastrointestinal cancers and many childhood leukemias among others.

 

At this point it would be best to stop confronting him with these or those facts and what a fool he is for going to quacks and instead be better at setting up end of life comfort and care. For example have you looked into hospices? Home care? Why not focus on quality of the end of his life rather than disputing facts about quack vs evidence-based treatments.

 

Also you could suggest helping him with things that give him (not you) comfort such as getting massages, setting up golf games, etc or anything that reduces his stress. It doesn't matter if he's drinking non-GMO, herbal, organic, vegan, gluten free, whatever green muck from a blender or Johnnie Walker Black. What matters is his perception of things and the reduction of his pain and stress and the improvement of his quality of life.

 

I wouldn't say that the entire focus of treating state 4 cancer is strictly palliative. I have a Stage 4 cancer that is being treated with immunotherapy that was not even available 2 years ago. It's freaking expensive, but i am alive. Whereas, previously? The radiation and chemo I endured was it, and it didn't work.

 

Not know the whole context, i still think I can generalize. Not trusting your doctors, then get a second opinion, a third, a 4th. But relying on alternative therapies that do not cure when there is a decent chance that they will extend life?

 

Irrational and fear-based thinking.

 

Steve Jobs is an excellent example of someone rich and smart done in by his irrational beliefs.

 

Untested treatments, as in clinical trials tested, are folly.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent post. Agree.

 

A great book for you to read, Eliza, is "Do You Believe in Magic?" by Paul A. Offit, MD. It is an inside look at the alternative medicine industry and helps separate fact from fiction. All proceeds from the sale of "Do You Believe in Magic? will be donated to The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, where Dr Offit is a pediatrician specializing in infectious diseases.

I wouldn't say that the entire focus of treating state 4 cancer is strictly palliative. I have a Stage 4 cancer that is being treated with immunotherapy that was not even available 2 years ago. It's freaking expensive, but i am alive. Whereas, previously? The radiation and chemo I endured was it, and it didn't work.

 

Not know the whole context, i still think I can generalize. Not trusting your doctors, then get a second opinion, a third, a 4th. But relying on alternative therapies that do not cure when there is a decent chance that they will extend life?Irrational and fear-based thinking.

[Eliza84]

I wouldn't say that the entire focus of treating state 4 cancer is strictly palliative. I have a Stage 4 cancer that is being treated with immunotherapy that was not even available 2 years ago. It's freaking expensive, but i am alive. Whereas, previously? The radiation and chemo I endured was it, and it didn't work.

 

Not know the whole context, i still think I can generalize. Not trusting your doctors, then get a second opinion, a third, a 4th. But relying on alternative therapies that do not cure when there is a decent chance that they will extend life?

 

Irrational and fear-based thinking.

 

Steve Jobs is an excellent example of someone rich and smart done in by his irrational beliefs.

 

Untested treatments, as in clinical trials tested, are folly.

 

Thanks for your post, and I am very sorry for what you are going through. I agree with all your sentiments.

 

Irrational and fear based thinking is right, which is why I find it so infuriating that these clinics are prominsing cures to people who are scared and vulnerable.

 

One thing I have learned throughout all this is that everyone has an opinion on cancer treatment, and that it’s a lot more controversial of a subject than I anticipated. The number of people that buy into the Pharma conspiracy theories is shocking.

 

I can understand feeling disheartened after going through chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, and having those treatments fail, or worse, getting those treatments and developing serious complications from them. Certainly there are risks, but I know if I had cancer, the risks wouldn’t outweigh the potential benefits for me. Again, depending on the type of cancer, there are variables of course, but I would rather do everything I can to fight it and stay alive for myself, and for my loved ones who would be devasted to watch me die.

[Eliza84]

A great book for you to read, Eliza, is "Do You Believe in Magic?" by Paul A. Offit, MD.

 

Thanks for the recommendation.

[katrina1980]

I am sorry for what you are dealing with . Please don’t add grief to your dad’s ending. I know that we want to see people do what we feel is good for them.

 

Let his passing be his way . Just love him and make memories.

 

I just started reading this thread, but omg this is the BEST advice!

 

I'm sorry OP, i lost my parents and know how difficult it is.

 

Love and support is what he most needs right now.

 

I am not a religious person, but sending silent prayers to both your dad and yourself.

 

((Hugs))