My Girlfriend is controlling

[gingerninja]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 10 months and she is sometimes controlling and tells me what I can and can’t do, I’m usually very happy with her but I always feel like no matter what I do she will find a way to be upset by it, she doesn’t like comprise and she has threatened to break up with me multiple times. Am I in the wrong and should I do what she tells me to do, or will we not be able to work out? Thank you

[DanZee]

No, you're not in the wrong, your girlfriend is showing passive-aggressive behavior, and as you pointed out, she is trying to control and manipulate you by telling you what you can and can't do and then threatening to break up with you if you don't do what she tells you. This is the female version of emotional abuse, and you should Google the term to see if those sites describe your relationship.

 

Your first step is to be aware of what she is doing and then try to turn the tables on her by asking why you can't do this or that. Most of the time she won't really have a good reason why and you can debate her (don't argue). You can also play some of the same games as she is. When she tries to make you do things, you can ask her, "honey, don't you love me anymore?" And maybe threaten to break up with her. Google how to deal with an emotionally abusive spouse/girlfriend and you can learn some good tactics. And if she gets too hard to handle, there is no shame in just walking away from the relationship. No one is worth it if you lose self respect for yourself or get p-whipped or whittled down by her.

[Slagar]

When she does something you don't like or that hurts you, you need to set boundaries. By letting her get what she wants all the time, you just keep losing out and she takes all the power.

 

You need to make a clear stand and bust her sometimes. She probably won't understand this at first, because if you begin to take some power back it will change the nature of the relationship she is comfortable with. She may become even more controlling in an attempt to maintain her current power, but if you stick to your guns on an issue - and she sticks around - she will gradually begin to learn that she can't push you around all the time. That's the only way you will get respect.

 

Boundary disputes (aka "fighting") always test the strength of the relationship, because they present a new power reality. It makes things uncomfortable, and questions arise like - "Do I like this person enough to stick around?".

On a given issue (depending on it's importance), if the answer for her is no, then you're better off - you don't want to be in a relationship where you're not getting healthy levels of respect. It's damaging to you in the long run, and you wouldn't be seeking advice if you were happy.

 

On the other hand, if you set boundaries and she's really interested in you (and not simply taking your power), she will try to understand why you're hurting on an issue, try to resolve the situation, and try to change.

She is also very unlikely to realise it, but you're actually doing her a favour by taking some of your power back - it eases the burden on her. If you both stick through it, time and time again, it will ultimately strengthen the relationship, for both you and her. That's how you get to a relationship of equals.

 

In some cases it can be worthwhile to explain this process to the other person (her), if you understand it well enough, and if you're both committed to one another. ie. that you're working on yourself; you're going to set boundaries more; [if it seems appropriate] that you're still committed to her; and to help her understand that this process will make her feel uncomfortable from time to time, because it will upset the power balance in the relationship. Good luck.

[katrina1980]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 10 months and she is sometimes controlling and tells me what I can and can’t do, I’m usually very happy with her but I always feel like no matter what I do she will find a way to be upset by it, she doesn’t like comprise and she has threatened to break up with me multiple times. Am I in the wrong and should I do what she tells me to do, or will we not be able to work out? Thank you

 

I think 10 months is long enough to realize this person is just not a good fit for you (and vice versa) and that's putting it mildly.

 

Re her constant criticisms, hard-nosed controlling nature, inability to compromise, and threatening to break up with you, not sure why you even need to ask if this is normal and what you should do.

 

What possible story are you telling yourself that would make her behavior even remotely acceptable such that you need to ask? Serious question.

 

The only thing you are doing *wrong* is questioning this and remaining with this toxic person.

 

There is no "talking" to someone like this, or *busting* her -- complete waste of time and energy.

 

Don't wait for her to threaten to break up with you, you break up with her now and look within to determine why you were even questioning whether or not you should stay or if you were in the wrong.

 

And going forward, never ever allow a woman to treat you this way. Learn to have personal boundaries and to stand up for yourself!

[Wiseman2]

After dating 10 mos, it's time to put an end to the tyranny and call her bluff and end it. Do you really want a diva running your life?

she doesn’t like comprise and she has threatened to break up with me multiple times.

[catfeeder]

Stand your ground on whatever you want to do, and when GF threatens another breakup, take her up on it.