Sleeplessinp Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 Hello Everyone, Thank you in advance for reading this and replying. My boyfriend of 3 years whom often suffers from depression here and there and usually comes out of it, has recently broken up with me. He has told me that he's very unhappy in his life with everything and that he's not able to feel anything anymore with anything. He said he really doesn't want to be bothered with anybody except for his kids and that's because he's obligated to them. I did ask them if it it was maybe something else if it was only me that was upsetting him and he said no that everything is great between us we got along good but what is he supposed to do if he's feeling this way. So my question is do you really think that it's due to depression that he walked away if it was really that great between us? I have been doing all the right things because as a person who suffers from depression too I know what it's like. I am here to support him for him to talk to me, I am not pushy and I'm here for him no matter what and I told him this. If it is due to him having a bad bout of depression, do you think when he comes out of it he may realize ha made a mistake and try to come back? I love him very much and I will stand by him no matter what good or bad and I really hate that I have to go through this heartache right now but I don't want to hang on to hope if there is none either so I'm just not sure what to do. Thank you for any advice you may have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeremiahsain Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 Hello Everyone, Thank you in advance for reading this and replying. My boyfriend of 3 years whom often suffers from depression here and there and usually comes out of it, has recently broken up with me. He has told me that he's very unhappy in his life with everything and that he's not able to feel anything anymore with anything. He said he really doesn't want to be bothered with anybody except for his kids and that's because he's obligated to them. I did ask them if it it was maybe something else if it was only me that was upsetting him and he said no that everything is great between us we got along good but what is he supposed to do if he's feeling this way. So my question is do you really think that it's due to depression that he walked away if it was really that great between us? I have been doing all the right things because as a person who suffers from depression too I know what it's like. I am here to support him for him to talk to me, I am not pushy and I'm here for him no matter what and I told him this. If it is due to him having a bad bout of depression, do you think when he comes out of it he may realize ha made a mistake and try to come back? I love him very much and I will stand by him no matter what good or bad and I really hate that I have to go through this heartache right now but I don't want to hang on to hope if there is none either so I'm just not sure what to do. Thank you for any advice you may have. I don't agree with this at all, just because somebody has depression doesn't mean they aren't capable of rational thought, they don't end the relationship just because they're having a bad bout. If he was really happy and knew he had a good thing, I don't think he would end it because he was depressed. My girlfriend also used the depression card as an easy excuse to end the relationship, but really when we got down and discussed it she was unhappy with a number of things and was just using the depression as an easy way out which wouldn't make me feel bad. TBH your situation sounds very similar, I got nearly the same line (Nothing in my life excites me anymore, I don't feel anything etc) but really I feel like that just means nothing about you excites me anymore, I'm bored of the relationship so I'm going to leave but to make you feel better say it's 'everything' in my life so it isn't just you! This guy could be completely different, but I really wouldn't be hanging on to hope that he'll just come out of his depressive slump and instantly realise his mistake as if he's a different person, that's a fantasy and a copout. People don't end 3 year relationships on a whim, I imagine he was thinking about it for a while. IMO if a relationship is strong and one partner is suffering with depression, if anything they should want to be closer to the other person and comforted by being with them. I get that with depression rationality sometimes goes out of the window, but I know plenty of couples where one is suffering with it but they support and trust each other without breaking up because of a slump. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanZee Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 Well, reading between the lines, I'm guessing since there's kids involved, there's an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend around, and possibly other women too. And I'm afraid usually when a guy bails out like this, it's because there's another woman around. I can't say for certain. Yes, depression could certainly be the cause of him breaking up with you. If he's not feeling a connection, he's not feeling it. You're better off not having him around and going out to live your own life and finding a nice guy. But most of the time what people say when breaking up are usually excuses and not the real reason. But either way, you should move on rather than trying to hang onto breadcrumbs with your current boyfriend. You deserve a real relationship with someone who loves you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SGH Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 If he has a history of depression, and he was unhappy with the relationship but refusing to communicate that with you, it's possible that the relationship dilemma triggered a depressive episode for him. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that you are responsible for his depression. I've just seen this before a few times when men are preparing to break up with someone. It could be that objectively he knows you are a great partner but not "the one" for him, which can be sad and confusing. Even when people are not content in a relationship, they can still care a lot about the person and know that ending the relationship will be painful (even if they get a side of relief as well). Plus, there's always a risk that comes with betting on another person or getting back out there into the single world. The best advice I could give would be to stop analyzing why he ended it and work on accepting that it's over. For whatever reason, he chose to opt out, and that means you need to too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleeplessinp Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 @Jeremiahsain Thank you for your reply. A lot of what you were saying I thought to the tee. I told him that in order for me to move on that I needed to know the truth because I didn't believe as well , that he was being irrational because of depression. Going over and over with him and (he usually is 100% honest with me)he said no that's exactly what it is. I told him not to spare my feelings and not to be a coward, he insisted that it was the truth and that it wasn't just me. I have read that a lot of times depressed people do push people away because if they're not happy with their lives or themselves how could they be happy with anyone else. Even when hes not depressedThis past summer he was going to get custody of his children but since he works in the city and lives in the country he would have to come home every night to be with the kids,he wasn't able to do this so therefore he wasn't able to get custody, that's when all our problems started, it's like he lost all hope. But even if that's it, you don't give up on anyone you love. He always would say when he was anxious or deoressed that he was going to give up on everything one day so maybe I guess that's just what he did. Either way do I really need to be with somebody that gives up so quick? Who is always unhappy (regardless of a bad depression rut) but never try to take steps to be happy? -Did I just give myself some sound advice? LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleeplessinp Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 @SGH I explained a few things in my reply to jeremiahsain that would pain't a better picture but your last paragraph with your advice was absolutely correct. I guess where my thoughts really are is, if he did try to come bavk, but whether because depression or not, I'm not sure I can take someone bavk who gave up so quickly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleeplessinp Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 @DanZee No other woman around for sure, but as you said whether depression or not, if he's not feeling it, he isnt. Time to move on Thank you so much, you all were great help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SGH Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Take it from me. Some people will stick to what they said to avoid a conflict until the day they are dead. I once had an ex swear up and down for two hours that there was no other woman in the picture. Three weeks later he became official with the co-worker I was concerned about. But, it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and understand that breakups really should end a relationship. Good luck with your healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleeplessinp Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 Thank you so much. I will have my moments for sure but I'll live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morello Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Take it from me. Some people will stick to what they said to avoid a conflict until the day they are dead. I once had an ex swear up and down for two hours that there was no other woman in the picture. Three weeks later he became official with the co-worker I was concerned about. This is a good example of why it's silly to keep asking for reasons, answers, etc. Most times the real reasons are not communicated and creating 'fake' reasons can do more damage than good. Like there was a poster here the other day who was close to giving up his dog because his ex used the dog as a reason for the break up, which seemed far from the case. It is always go do self-reflect on our potential mistakes in order to make improvements, but to endlessly over analyse everything trying to come up with explanations is the worst possible way 'forward' after a break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Unfortunately this seems like a version of "it's me, not you". Agree if things were "great" he wouldn't be ending things, it makes no sense, does it? You need to go no contact and not be his therapist or mother. That in itself will kill things. These are not "all the right things", they are all the wrong things because you are smothering and focusing on fixing him. Also being a martyr will backfire, do not "be there for him no matter what". He needs doctors and psychologists, not another depressed person trying to "fix him". Let him go so he can do what he needs to and get help and so you can focus on yourself rather than him. do you really think that it's due to depression that he walked away if it was really that great between us? I'm here for him no matter what and I told him this. I love him very much and I will stand by him no matter what good or bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amalia13 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 When my ex is depressed he is angry, not sad. He had depression as diagnosed by a doctor, and is on medication, not just himself claiming to be feeling blue. If you read up on male depression, you know it is different and often looks more like anger and irritability. You have been with him for 3 years, you probably know what his face looks like when in that state. Anyway, I used to say I'd stand by my ex. Then I realized, hey wait a minute, I don't make him happy. So I'm the last person he wants to stand by him! I don't need to know why I don't make him happy. It could be because of the way I am, or that he has depression. The upshot is that he broke up with me, meaning that he has decided he's better off without me. Put myself in his place, if I am unhappy being with a guy, enough to call it quits, then please oh please don't "stand by me"! Also the relationship must have been bad for you too. If you were all happy and oblivious to what's going on with him, then you were not the right partner for him. If you weren't happy either, why would you want to go back to that? For some time you may still swing back and forth between "he's no good" and "he needs me". But it doesn't matter. He is an adult, he has free will. He knows the consequences of his actions. He made a choice. That's all you need to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleeplessinp Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 @Wiseman I don't think I was very clear. By saying or telling him ill always being there for him I didnt mean durIng a break up, I meant always there to support him. I never gave him advice or tried to fix him, I am more than wise enough to know that he can only help himself first if indeed that's what he wants. I was just always there, not as a martyr but a friend if he did want to talk, which was never forced apon him. It does not really matter. What someone else said on this thread is correct, it went something like this "it doesn't matter the reason he opted out, he did, so should you" I guess I was having one of those moments. Although I sometimes could get a little depressed (I have muxh on my plate) I always try to take steps to be happy and am thankful for everything and everyone that I do have on my life, he does not and I don't need that. Although hard, I do realise, I must let go. Thank you for replying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleeplessinp Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 When my ex is depressed he is angry, not sad. He had depression as diagnosed by a doctor, and is on medication, not just himself claiming to be feeling blue. If you read up on male depression, you know it is different and often looks more like anger and irritability. You have been with him for 3 years, you probably know what his face looks like when in that state. Anyway, I used to say I'd stand by my ex. Then I realized, hey wait a minute, I don't make him happy. So I'm the last person he wants to stand by him! I don't need to know why I don't make him happy. It could be because of the way I am, or that he has depression. The upshot is that he broke up with me, meaning that he has decided he's better off without me. Put myself in his place, if I am unhappy being with a guy, enough to call it quits, then please oh please don't "stand by me"! Also the relationship must have been bad for you too. If you were all happy and oblivious to what's going on with him, then you were not the right partner for him. If you weren't happy either, why would you want to go back to that? For some time you may still swing back and forth between "he's no good" and "he needs me". But it doesn't matter. He is an adult, he has free will. He knows the consequences of his actions. He made a choice. That's all you need to know. We actually did have a good relationship but more of a solid friendship first. I wouldn't say he was sad, I think he just had enough of life and his circumstances and just became or wants to be numb, there's very many faces of depression. I was never oblivious, I am aware of his ups and downs and he never hid it from me. I think he just needs time to be alone. I was really having a weak moment that we all do when it's fresh and new. As I said in above comments, it doesn't matter why he lefy, he did so it's time to move on. Yes he is an adult an yes he has free will, you ate absolutely correct. I have to move forward, whether he tris to come back is not my concentration now. Thank you so very much. Very helpful as everyone else was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleeplessinp Posted September 23, 2018 Author Share Posted September 23, 2018 @Morello I do agree. I think we all go through something like this when a break up first happens (I coukd be wrong) Thank you so very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figureitout23 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 Unfortunately this seems like a version of "it's me, not you". Agree if things were "great" he wouldn't be ending things, it makes no sense, does it? You need to go no contact and not be his therapist or mother. That in itself will kill things. These are not "all the right things", they are all the wrong things because you are smothering and focusing on fixing him. Also being a martyr will backfire, do not "be there for him no matter what". He needs doctors and psychologists, not another depressed person trying to "fix him". Let him go so he can do what he needs to and get help and so you can focus on yourself rather than him. BINGO! @Wiseman I don't think I was very clear. By saying or telling him ill always being there for him I didnt mean durIng a break up, I meant always there to support him. I never gave him advice or tried to fix him, I am more than wise enough to know that he can only help himself first if indeed that's what he wants. I was just always there, not as a martyr but a friend if he did want to talk, which was never forced apon him. It does not really matter. What someone else said on this thread is correct, it went something like this "it doesn't matter the reason he opted out, he did, so should you" I guess I was having one of those moments. Although I sometimes could get a little depressed (I have muxh on my plate) I always try to take steps to be happy and am thankful for everything and everyone that I do have on my life, he does not and I don't need that. Although hard, I do realise, I must let go. Thank you for replying. You’re in defense mode, so you’re trying to explain away what was originally said. You are attempting to martyr yourself and you’re being unrealistic. I can’t imagine a relationship with someone who is clinically depressed as ‘perfect’ unless I enjoyed taking on that ‘fixer’ role. You recognize it’s best to walk away. That’s the first step. The next one is to sift through your own baggage. I wish you the best of luck on your journey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted September 24, 2018 Share Posted September 24, 2018 I have been doing all the right things because as a person who suffers from depression too I know what it's like. We may know what our OWN depression is like, but that doesn't speak for anyone else. YES, it's very possible for depression to feel like too much of a burden to be around anyone else. Depression can be treated successfully. Has he sought treatment? [...] just because somebody has depression doesn't mean they aren't capable of rational thought, they don't end the relationship just because they're having a bad bout. [...] if anything they should want to be closer to the other person and comforted by being with them. NO, just the opposite. Depression is a word that's misused to describe sadness but it's not the same thing. Depression is an actual disorder--a chemical imbalance with physical effects. It's is not the same thing as grief or sadness. Those issues may be present, or they may not. Often depression comes with no sadness, or emotions of any kind--at all. Depression can cause physical effects in sets of opposites, such as tiredness without an ability to sleep, restlessness without an ability to move, hunger without an ability to eat, boredom without an ability to focus or concentrate. It can cause any number of extremes: sleeplessness OR oversleeping, starvation OR overeating, and it impacts the organs and hormonal system making every movement a fight. Many depressed people can't summon the energy to eat, bathe or brush their teeth. Anyone who hasn't suffered extreme depression can't really imagine what it's like. The problem is, people suffering extreme depression need medical attention the most, but they find themselves in a kind of paralysis that renders them unable or unwilling to seek the help. Shame is a big factor in depression. Most depressed people know exactly what they 'should' do, even while they can't summon the mobility to take action. OP, the most you can do it offer to make an appointment for an assessment and take him there, or if his children are old enough, you can help them to set an appointment and have one of them offer to take him. If he won't accept help, you can't force him. You may want to contact your local hospital for a referral with a social worker who can educate you about his options and your limits, and possibly offer referrals in the event you can convince this man to pursue treatment. He or she may give you materials that may inform him of available treatment, but beyond that, you'll need to respect his wishes while leaving the door open to help if he ever wants you to help him. My heart goes out to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleeplessinp Posted September 24, 2018 Author Share Posted September 24, 2018 @catfeeder Agreed, we all know what our OWN depression is.. By "doing the right things" I meant trying to I guess. There are no "right" things. Before the actual break up conversation, I offered to help if he wanted any. I did not force him to speak to me about what was going on as I know how he is and will talk about things when he is ready. I did suggest if he didn't feel he could reach out to me, family or friends to maybe seek help elsewhere by a professional, I dont think he's ready for that step. To me it seems he's comfortable being like this for now and thinks he can help himself through it. He is aware that the door is open and he would have my help and support if he needed it. At first, I think this post was an emotional fresh -after -break up panic post. Either way, everyone helped in their own way, especially you. You understand that depression has many faces.Ultimately he needs to do what's best, even if that's without me. I do love him but I have to keep moving forward. Heart ache sucks, but we get through somehow. What is meant to be will be. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sleeplessinp Posted September 24, 2018 Author Share Posted September 24, 2018 P.s. In no way did I argue with him about the break up. I may have not wanted it, but I respect it. I have not contacted him since, but let him know at the time, if he needed help, he could call me, I'd do that for anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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