She wants space

[kindles544]

Hello everyone! My name is Jacob and I am currently having a tough time handling this situation by myself, and could really use some advice.

 

My now ex and I have been dating for about 3 years. Thought the relationship, we would have our occasional fights, many of them consisting of me getting defensive on question she would ask about our future together. Last week she mentioned that she wanted to move to a town about an hour from where I currently work, and she would eventually want to move states. Before actually analyzing the question, I immediately assumed the worst, that she was leaving me, that this relationship was over, and didn't even bother to actually deeply discuss it(defensive). When in reality she just wanted to know if I would commute. Everything was calm, we both were emotional, and I ended up leaving her house, very calmly. A few hours later I called her and stated it shouldn't be this way, trying to recover the relationship. She said she needs space to grow as a person and figure out herself, she can't handle the stress of the ups and downs that this relationship has at times. She believes it will be the best for the both of us. We both love each other very much, but she was sick of dealing with the constant small arguments where we can never come to an agreement. She has felt unloved/unwanted a few times through the relationship(around 4 times), but we always worked it out. I got stuck on looking at the bigger picture of our future together, and ignored the small things, which she cares most about. My birthday is the 9th, and she HAD plans to surprise me by taking me somewhere. So 3 days of no talking, I called her and asked if she would spend my birthday with me, as she is honestly the only person I would love to spend it with, she agreed, but stated that "I don't want to get back together at this point.". I called her after i read that text, and she again stated that she needs time to herself and doesn't know what the future holds for us. We haven't been talking for a week now, and I'm waiting for the 9th to get here. I plan on just having fun while we are away for the weekend, I will not bring up the relationship at all, unless she feels ready to talk. Even after this is all said and done, I plan on giving her space, and acting like nothing happened, besides a good time. I guess my question here, is am I dealing with this correctly? Is there any advice on winning her back one final time, proving that this will indeed be different?

[kindles544]

But the thing is, we are not together anymore. I just wanted to spend my birthday with her, and after that, who knows what. I don't think there is any loyalty being involved at all. It not like im sitting around waiting for her to decide what to do next. Im enjoying my life, and no loyalty is being given at this time.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds to me like her musing about moving to a different town and then out of state was her signalling that this break-up was coming. She didn't just decide to end it all that day. My best guess is that she had been thinking about this for a while, but this last argument was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

When she says she's felt unwanted and unloved 4 times in the relationship, what does that mean exactly? Had she wanted to take breaks then, or...?

 

I don't think spending your birthday weekend together is a good idea right now, in any event. It will hurt you terribly when you have a fun weekend and then she still doesn't want to get back together. And the truth is that your future together won't be decided based on the events of this specific weekend anyway. I would spend it with friends instead, to give yourself time and space to breathe.

[bluecastle]

I agree that you need to spend this birthday alone. She has made her feelings clear to you: she needs time and space, and does not want to get back together. You need to respect that, fully. Time and space means no contact. It means allowing her to do whatever she wants and needs, with no interference from you.

 

Hard as it is, you need to fully let go right now, even if it feels forced. Do you, focus on yourself, reflect on the relationship, use those reflections to grow. This is not about "winning her back." If you keep that idea at the forefront of your mind you'll stay in exactly the same place you're in now, putting the same pressure on things that has pushed her away. If you guys are meant for another go it'll need to come about organically, not through some kind of chess moves.

[No1]

You two have big communication issues and she is tired of arguing. And please tell me how is it you have changed in such a short amount of time? Did your communication skills rapidly improve? All of a sudden neither of you are defensive? How is it that you two were not compatible but after some time away you two are a perfect match?

 

All you did was adjust and not change. How soon before you two get right back into arguing? I think you were meant for someone else and she was meant for someone in a different part in their lives. I mean.. wouldn't you rather be with someone you can be 100% yourself with instead of walking on egg shells worrying if you say the right thing or that you if you say it the wrong way it could start a fight? Living like that takes a lot of energy and it will drain you. So why not find someone you are free to be?

 

My two cents.