I feel like I want out of my "normal" relationship w/ amazing girlfriend?

[JoeBoberson]

Problem: I feel like I want to break up with my girlfriend, even though she's amazing and a great girlfriend, we're good for each other, and our relationship is normal, because it's for some reason taking a toll on my mental health and I'm a depressed anxious mess.

 

Background: 21M, in college. I have been dating my girlfriend from college for a little over a year now. She's really great, super sweet to me and such a good girlfriend, many characteristics of a "keeper" - she's also my first real girlfriend. One thing that does worry me is that she is pretty clingy and definitely has always kind of felt stronger, much more of "I can't imagine life without you" whereas I don't really feel like that, for me it's simply that she's my girlfriend and I want to be good to her/make her happy. I will also say that especially in the past year or two I've struggled with anxiety and depression, which I am actively seeking help for with therapy and other means but I don't consider myself completely stable.

 

This past year at school we had a really good time and enjoyed each other's company, all that good stuff. Some doubts kinda started coming up towards the end of the year, I started feeling more nervous and uneasy about things but I wanted to keep trying. However since we've gotten home and long-distance, I've realized I'm just not as invested as she is, and I feel withdrawn whereas she's putting in all her effort. I feel drained, and this is constantly weighing on my mind now. I feel like I'm not myself, my depression feels worse, I'm anxious about it almost 24/7. I can't shake this feeling, and I don't want to live my life like this. We just saw each other over the weekend and had a really good time together, she really feels like a person I should be completely happy with but I still feel like this even after we've spent time together.

 

I'm really starting to feel like I want to end it. I think a good part of this is me just not really wanting to be in a relationship anymore. I know it's at least mostly nothing to do with her because she's great. But relationships are work, and I just don't feel like putting in that much work anymore. I'm in college and going to be a senior - I want to enjoy my senior year, and make the most of it, and not keep questioning whether or not the relationship is right and be unhappy while pretending to be 100% content. And I know to keep having a healthy relationship I need to put in my all.

 

But then I think about how much it would destroy her if I broke up with her, and how awful I'd feel for hurting her. I see all those articles on women's websites about a girl who hasn't moved on from a breakup that happened a year before and I feel like that's actually going to be her. I'm dreading that so much and it's just making everything worse.

 

This seems wrong of me to feel, because she's so awesome and we are so good for each other. How can I possibly feel like this about someone who loves me so much? I'm not myself anymore, I'm a depressed anxious mess and I can't stop thinking about my relationship, how it doesn't seem "OK" for me to be feeling like this yet I can't shake these feelings. I can't just all of a sudden get rid of all my anxiety and doubt, I know this isn't going to stop but I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, it will hurt her to break up. Break-ups always hurt when it's not mutual.

 

But in the end, it will hurt her more to feel lonely in a relationship when it starts becoming clear to her that you don't really want to be there. And believe me, she will pick up on that. We ladies are always reading between the lines, even when we don't consciously mean to, and are sensitive to non-verbal cues. If this is weighing on you a lot and you are not as invested, she'll start piecing that together on her own anyway. It's concerning that she seems to put you at the centre of her universe as well; my guess is that some of this is her insecurity talking, and could be triggered by her suspicion that you're not as into her as she is into you.

 

I think that for you, this relationship has run its course. Someone can be great on paper, but still not a good match for you personally. Especially given that it's your first relationship, it appears that you want more experience before you settle into something very serious. That's entirely normal, particularly at your age. It doesn't mean you're a bad guy or that something is wrong with her. But it does mean that a relationship isn't for you at this time in your life.

[Batya33]

I think you're confusing two things -you know the answer but you're making it confusing. The issue is not whether she is good for you -like as if you were trying to find a puppy or a pet who was a good pet and good for you. She also might be perfect on paper. None of that means she is the right match for you, the person who you feel at home with and also excited about (not all the time like high level excitement I mean where you have a strong spark that can be revived easily if you settle a bit too much into a ho hum routine). This is not like taking a vitamin that you take because it's good for you - and of course imbalanced relationships happen where one person is far more into the other one (and the one who is not as into the other one often feels the other is clingy).

 

Of course you'll question whether you let a great person go. The answer is yes, you will have let a great person go. But not one that is great for you right now. And staying for her sake is silly -she deserves someone who is excited to be with her. So don't be selfish and stick around because it's easier than rocking the boat.

 

Also when you day you want to "keep trying" what actions are you taking to "try?" - did you speak to a counselor or an objective outsider about this? Do you want to?

 

I went through this a few times over -in my case because once someone was available to me I often got bored. I got in my own way. I chose people who were good on paper but not right for me, or chased unavailable men. I let a great person go when we were engaged in our early 30s because of feeling those doubts. And I was just darn lucky when, 8 years later, we reconnected, were both single and then the timing was right, then we had that spark and I felt at home with him at the same time. So we're married now, for several years. But if you leave her understand that probably won't happen -if she's a great catch she will be caught and let herself be caught soon is my guess. But yes end it unless your "trying" involves concrete actions on your own to revive the spark or to figure out whether you felt that strong spark ever (as she apparently does).

[smackie9]

It's just part of growing up. You might be confused as to why you are feeling this way, but down the road you will. A year has gone by, and that honeymoon stage is over. Your feelings for this relationship have faded which is totally normal. I know you are looking for excuses but, what is happening to you is what happens when you don't have it for the long haul. It's getting to the point you two expect different things, and the incompatibility is starting to show. You don't want to go any deeper, and well I understand you don't want to hurt her, but hey it's only going to get worse the longer you hold out. Relationships don't have to end because they are bad or gone sour...sometimes they just run their course. I believe this is where you are at and it's causing you that anxiety and depression. The initial breakup will be tough and emotional, but you will get past it. I believe she feels it coming, that is why she has become more clingy...it's a vicious cycle. The more you push away, the more she clings onto you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Set her and yourself free. At some level you already know you're faking it.

[SGH]

Just because your relationship has been overall a positive experience does not mean she is "the one" for you. To some extent, you probably just aren't ready to settle down, and that's okay. Your first relationship doesn't have to be your last. It will hurt you and her. I'm sure after you make the decision that you will agonize over it. However, you aren't doing her or you any favors by staying and being miserable.

 

My last partner broke up with me for similar reasons. He was a few years younger than me and simply not as certain as I was about the future we planned together. I sensed months before we broke up that he wasn't invested anymore and tried harder - just like your girlfriend. In the end, dragging it out hurt far more than if we had just let go when the relationship started to crumble. Six months on, my biggest regret was fighting the end instead of embracing it. Even though I loved him intensely, I was tired and unhappy trying to make a relationship work with someone who had already given up. He was only two years older than you and didn't have the life experience, maturity, and strength to give a clear ending. I urge you to avoid putting you and your partner through the struggle. End it and take a long period of no contact.

 

I wish you luck.