Feel I am going crazy, Please help me!

[cleverme123]

I have been on here a while. I have had many issues with my husband which I think is leading me to a mental breakdown. I can no longer deal with things rationally. He has been unfaithful to anyone he's every been with. He looks at a whole lot of porn, which doesn't really bother me. He keeps contacting his ex, got her a job at his part time thing. So here is what I feel...

 

I feel lost, like I am going crazy, I have seen things that point that he is cheating on me, he denies it tells me to shut up about it and be with him or just leave. There are kids involved. I am trying to save my marriage. While I was in labor he called his ex when he went outside to smoke. ONe morning I stayed overnight with my son in the NICU he was suppose to drop the kids at school then come over. And an hour later showed up saying that he forgot to change a load of clothes over. I am at a stand still, torn between his lies (which he denies he lied) of course I didn't tell him I knew because I had proof. I want to save my family, I told him I wanted to go to a counselor and he flat out told me that he needs one to but he could just get drunk and drown his problems. It feels like he is making fun of me and then at his part time job where the ex is it feels like their all laughing at me for being stupid to the games. His ex is a nightmare and half psycho. I want to disappear, I need help, I cry all the time when he isn't here, I can't talk to him he just gets angry and avoids talking to me about anything to do with him and when he does talk about it he smoothes it over like nothing is wrong. He refuses counseling saying we don't have the money, which some times we are very low, but I have ask to get a job and he keeps saying no take care of the kids. There are three right now that I have all the time. I see him maybe an hour or so at night before we go to bed. I can't stand it any more. I don't know what to do, I feel lost, I have no family and no friends any more cause their tired of hearing me complain about it. I really need help, but it wont do any good if he continues to lie. After two marriages why doesn't he want to save this? Maybe I am not important to him if I open my mouth and ask questions I guess I am suppose to just pretend I am not feeling anything. I am going to break really soon and I don't know what to do.

[Jetta]

Well you can't stay miserable just because you think in some way the kids will benefit from this. How are they benefitting? You're stressed out, your husband is never home, really how are they benefitting from you saving this marriage? I truly believe if you decide to leave a family member will come out of the woodwork to offer you support. But you need to decide what you want to do. Either decide to stay and endure, or get out.

 

Okay I'm sorry about being so harsh but he's a womanizer, which is why he's unable to stay in a committed relationship. Yes you have 3 children. When you make decisions that will ultimately better your family things happen to help you move along that path. If you're worried about being single forever, well that just won't happen unless you really want it to. I know I thought I was going to be single forever after my first marriage ended. I was wrong.

[RayKay]

I have read many of your posts...both your own threads, and your answers to others - sometimes you seem to be almost convincing yourself that you are "stuck" and have no other way, but I must say that this is not a guy you should be with and that there IS another way.

 

Yes, it is not easy to be a single mother, but MANY MANY women do it (and many men are single fathers too) and they make it. My mother and my dad separated (he was a cheater as well) when she had two kids, but also was 7 months pregnant with the third. And she made it - went back to school, got a job and worked her way up. She is an amazing woman and did so much for us, and worked very very hard...but she is doing fantastic. She met my stepfather not long after (my new sister was only three months old) and they have been together 18+ years and he is wonderful.

 

Your husband is a cheater, and a manipulator, and he is emotionally hurting you...he does not want to save the marriage for very reason that to him it is not as important as it is to you...that is why he has been married twice before, there is a reason they ended, and a reason that the odds are against yours making it right now. Maybe he isn't cheating, but he is certainly not working with you through things very well either. He just sounds plain inconsiderate.

 

Trust me, there will be people to help you, but they are probably frustrated that you have NOT done anything about it yet...you talk about it, but don't take action, and if you DO, they likely will be very supportive. You can make it.

 

You sound so miserable in this, what have you got to lose really by moving on? I have never really heard you say anything positive about this guy or your marriage (at least not after you got married).

[thisisnotanexit]

you can get through this

[cleverme123]

I guess partly I make excuses I keep telling myself its me with the problems if I could just be better or help him more or do more or take care of this or that better it would change. You are absolutely right, he does make me feel invisible. There are times that things are good, mainly if and when he is here, but 95% of the time he isn't here, I am like some hidden secret. He is fabulous on baseball nights, with other peoples kids and his son. He even plays with the baby, he accepts my daughter as his own.

 

Its other times when I see him emotionally abusive and feel empty and know he did it and keeps doing it. I know a lot about his ex's I have spoke to them a great deal. The first one didn't leave him for anything he did she was in love with a woman go figure. Even after they broke up he still slept with her and theyare buddies if thats what you call it now. I dont like him talking to her, etc. cause it seems like he's up to something.

 

I find myself staying because some times it is easier to deal with abuserers for me than it is to deal with nice guys. I have only been in one non abusive relationship, and I ruined it! I really want to believe the lies, the stories and they are believable but I guess its because I dont want to see the truth that I am being played.

[RayKay]

Hey sweetie.....

 

The one thing that stood out most to me in your last post was that you should NOT have to change that much for him to love you, or make you an equal partner in this relationship and more so respect you!

 

It is almost "easier" for women to stay when it is emotional, not physical abuse.....because the fact that we start to feel as if it is our fault and our self esteem plummets until we do believe we can do no better...and it is so much more invisible than physical abuse - I mean he is not really "hurting" you, but he is causing tremendous pain. Believe me, you can do better.

 

I think your self esteem is very low, as I recall you had your child young and did not go onto college/uni...and I think you have mentioned before you feel rather stuck because of it and not as "good"...I think getting yourself into some part time classes, or even correspondence will do loads for your self esteem too.

 

Like I said, not easy, but you don't deserve to be in such a situation for the rest of your life with someone who does not agree to go to counselling with you or work on these issues - I think it is less about not having money, then it is about control for him...