Can someone please help ?!

[cra18]

Your kids are not pieces of whatever curse word you used there.

 

Imagine how your kids would feel if you followed through with destroying yourself. They would have to be raised by your mother or their father.

 

Please get help. Call a hotline and let them know you are in a lot of pain. They can help you.

 

No theyre arent what i said they’re my life but i just cant take it anymore, as of right now i dont know if im going through something im a bit ignorant but i cant stop shaking and crying

[cra18]

You're in a really bad spot. You first need to take care of your depression. Try to get an apt today. Get meds. You and your kids need to come first. Then the BF. If maybe down the line you want therapy with him, you can. But now isn't the time to set up house with him and try without the issues being resolved. Sometimes space helps. Don't fear losing him. Can you manage living alone? I'm thinking not because you don't have a job. Were you staying for his income? And btw make him pay to fix your phone. Is it working? You said the screen is cracked.

 

Yes i have an income but i wont be able to do it on my own my income would just be enough for rent and car payment, i text him to fix my phone he said he wasnt going to

[boltnrun]

No contact with him. He is not the solution to your problems, but a big cause of them. Trying to stay with him will make your life worse, not better.

[cra18]

You're right smack in the midst of your world crumbling. Except in reality, it doesn't have to. You just can't see it.

You can and will be okay. Please, go get help today, or call a hotline. But if you really truly feel this way, please find someone to take your kids for a bit. Someone trusted. Don't go at this feeling like you're alone, you're not. You can break this cycle. You just need to tap into the right resources.

 

I am alone why do u think im seeking advice from the internet ? No one cares for me not my family not no one i dont even have friends i just need someone to listen to me and hug me and tell ill be okay, he was the only support i had

[cra18]

No contact with him. He is not the solution to your problems, but a big cause of them. Trying to stay with him will make your life worse, not better.

 

I understand it just hurts cuz he was the only support i had

[boltnrun]

I am alone why do u think im seeking advice from the internet ? No one cares for me not my family not no one i dont even have friends i just need someone to listen to me and hug me and tell ill be okay, he was the only support i had

 

He is NOT "supportive". You're just lonely and scared and clinging to whoever gives you attention.

 

Can you do a fun day with your kids? The playground or ice cream or an inexpensive matinee movie, something like that? Nothing like the laughter of children to make life seem better.

[cra18]

He is NOT "supportive". You're just lonely and scared and clinging to whoever gives you attention.

 

Can you do a fun day with your kids? The playground or ice cream or an inexpensive matinee movie, something like that? Nothing like the laughter of children to make life seem better.

 

My oldest is 4 autistic he would love it and my baby girl is 9 months i would love to but yes it is fear of being on my own

[boltnrun]

My oldest is 4 autistic he would love it and my baby girl is 9 months i would love to but yes it is fear of being on my own

 

So take the kids to the playground! It will be so much fun.

 

And what horrible thing do you think will happen when you're on your own? I was on my own with 2 kids too. And we had a great life filled with very little money but a lot of love and fun.

[cra18]

You can't see it now, but when you learn you can live without a man, you'll be better off. You have to want someone, not need them. Don't ever put yourself in a position in life where you need to be completely dependent on anyone. Idk where you are, but there's free job training available, and lots of help for single moms. You can get on your feet and be okay. There's free groups you can join to meet people for friendship in where you share common interests. Even moms groups are free, and offer support with other moms.

 

Yes, i was learning but i made the mistake of falling in love with him, my baby was 4 months when i met him

[cra18]

So take the kids to the playground! It will be so much fun.

 

And what horrible thing do you think will happen when you're on your own? I was on my own with 2 kids too. And we had a great life filled with very little money but a lot of love and fun.

 

Because all my life ive wanted friends or simply my mom being able to go with me just to enjoy whatever we do, im scared im lonely

[cra18]

Same. My daughter and I are alone a lot and on our own. Have been for years. I was right where you are OP, went from everything to nothing, to being okay again, just to have my family ripped away from me because of my daughters dads lies. But it's possible to survive. You'll find connections and new people and be okay. But enjoy your babies. They need your love . They depend on you. So be kind to yourself and get yourself in a better direction. You can do this.

 

I have 2 kids from different guys my life since i can remember has been all about crying

[cra18]

Same. My daughter and I are alone a lot and on our own. Have been for years. I was right where you are OP, went from everything to nothing, to being okay again, just to have my family ripped away from me because of my daughters dads lies. But it's possible to survive. You'll find connections and new people and be okay. But enjoy your babies. They need your love . They depend on you. So be kind to yourself and get yourself in a better direction. You can do this.

 

What is OP?

[cra18]

You! The poster of the thread! Sorry :)

 

Listen to me please. Join a mommy and me social club. You'll be okay. You'll get resources, help, and make friends.

As for your mom, I'm sorry. I have the same thing with mine. We have killed one another since I turned 14. It never stopped. She aided my stalker is harassing me. I mean, talk about lack of parental love and affection. We dream as little girls of having that bond, but guess what? You don't have to accept it. What you do, is give all the love within you to your babies. You make better choices. You be a better parent. You learn from her mistakes. You have your whole life ahead of you. You do different than her.

 

You know ??? I feel im not even capable of loving my kids i try with all my heart i mean i do love them but sometimes i feel like i dont demostrate my love much,

[cra18]

Then you seriously need therapy and to get your depression treated. Start on that today. Make calls, or go to a free clinic for an eval and maybe they will prescribe you antidepressants today instead of waiting on a doctor visit.

 

I was prescribed with zoloft but a friend died because of it, she had seizures im really scared of taking meds

[cra18]

No excuses. You have to tackle that fear because you really need intervention.

 

Im scared [emoji17]

[cra18]

I'm not saying you shouldn't be! You have a lot going on right now you're trying to deal with.

It's okay. But you can do this. You're not going to die, it's very highly unlikely. Do this for you, for your babies.

Once you stabilize, you'll see things clearer and you'll get things going in the right direction. You have babies depending on their mommy.

 

Thank you, you know he was willing to go to counseling with me, and that was in our plans because we both wanted to save the relationship, i mean im not gonna lie i still want to, maybe its not that right thing but i know i have anger issues and i want to fix things [emoji24]

[boltnrun]

I mean, I'll die if I eat peanuts. That doesn't mean the world should stop eating peanuts.

 

I don't mean to make light of your concerns, but you have let fear run your life for far too long.

 

Think about this...do you want your children to go through life the way you have so far?

 

If not...get that help! Being "scared" is no excuse to let your kids suffer.

 

All of us were "scared". But you can't just give up on everything because you're "scared".

 

Please have a fun day with your kids. You don't need someone to go with you to take them to the playground! Then call a hotline or go online to a chat for people with anxiety and fear issues.

 

You can do this as long as you tell yourself "I will NOT allow fear to stop me".

[boltnrun]

Thank you, you know he was willing to go to counseling with me, and that was in our plans because we both wanted to save the relationship, i mean im not gonna lie i still want to, maybe its not that right thing but i know i have anger issues and i want to fix things [emoji24]

 

He is the CAUSE of a lot of your issues! NOT the solution!

 

You are so afraid to be alone that you're willing to let this guy back into your life when he has no business there.

 

Do NOT go back to him, please!

[Wiseman2]

OK. Good your kids' dads pay support. Do they ever see the kids? How is your relationship with them? Go to social services so you can get assistance for yourself and your kids with housing, medical care, therapy, food, etc. Also they can assist you with career training, childcare, employment opportunities, etc.. So start with the practical things so you don't feel so overwhelmed and feel in a better place physically. Don't jump from the frying pan to the fire in a panic. That's how bad decisions are born.

 

Then review your social media. Delete and block people who add nothing to your life. Reconnect with old friends, classmates, coworkers etc. Start making friends that way. Also join some of those mom groups that meet and trade off baby sitting, etc for support and making friends. Some families don't get along. That's ok, it's fine to distance yourself from anyone who brings you down. Your mother sounds like a source of despair, but don't run to angry guys instead. Do you have cousins or other relatives you've felt close to? Try reconnecting with them also.

Because all my life ive wanted friends or simply my mom being able to go with me just to enjoy whatever we do, im scared im lonely

[LC8328]

Hey cra18,

 

I read through everything so far and I think I understand.

 

I'm not a professional therapist, but it seems like there's alot of pain in your life, like it's been that way for as long as you can remember. Toxic people beginning with your mom, the most important person of all. And BELIEVE ME I sympathize with that!

 

The good news is, you don't have to be like your mom. It will take some effort, but first you have to heal emotionally, and I see alot going on in your heart.

 

Also, I want to talk about your BF. You feel that no one is there for you but HE is, and that's dangerous because that will keep you coming back to him even though he is obviously NO GOOD FOR YOU. You want him partly because of that little bit of tenderness and connection that he gives you.

 

I propose that you work on the root of these problems, your PTSD and 'baggage' from your life in general. How do you work on these issues by yourself, you ask? Well, when you feel something negative (fear, anger, hatred anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness, etc), isolate all the other thoughts from you mind and focus on that. Why do you feel this way? What do you think is the worst possible thing that can happen from this feeling?

 

Let me give you an example to clarify. Let's say you get really upset when your boyfriend argues with you. You get angry and you shout. Stop and focus on why you feel angry. Ask yourself why. Ask what is really scaring you at this point. After a moment, you might realize, you don't want to argue with him because you don't want to lose him (I don't really know, this is just an example). So you address THAT issue...instead of giving in to the anger, which will make everything worse, guaranteed.

 

You are also going to have to make some realizations. For instance, trust us when we all say that this man is not right for you. I know he feels right and he is all you know, but you are in no condition to have a mutually beneficial relationship, and trust me, you deserve one. You need to work on you first. Your kids need you to work on you.

 

You've already realized that your life is better with minimal contact with your mother (at least for now), so good on you for that.

 

You also have to realize that you are going to have make conscious efforts to keep looking forward, and not defaulting to anger, to violence, to making bad decisions.

 

I say this because I've been there! I am the queen of bad decisions. You can't change what you've done, or what has been done to you. BUT you can focus on making your children's lives as stable and happy as possible, and the best way to do this is to think of them first, and to think of them always. From the moment you became a mother, your life wasn't just about you anymore. I guarantee that when you focus on giving love to your children, you will feel it back from them.

 

You say you don't think you know 'how' to love them. Just remember...there is no right or wrong way to love your children (obviously as long as you don't neglect them, etc). All you can do is your best, keep moving forward, keeping doing things with them in mind.

 

You can totally do this. I was a single mother too once, for quite awhile actually. It was peaceful because I made all the decisions on my own.

 

You want friends. I understand. For now, put your energy into making lives better for your children. Friends will come, I promise. They are still young enough where they can have a normal, happy life, and there is nothing better than seeing your children happy.

 

Why am I focusing so much on your children instead of you? Because their needs come first. They only have you to guide them through life, and because of this, you need to stand up, get up, and show them how strong you can be. Protect them and love them. I have learned a lot about solving my personal emotional problems just by being a mother. It will all make sense, but first you have to stop exposing yourself to more bad, toxic situations.

 

I hope this helps and you can message me if you need to.