Please help me understand

[MissCanuck]

I could do the counseling but what should I do as far as the other stuff though? I feel like I get mixed emotions from her on things which is making it hard for me to move on. I don’t know if she really doesn’t care if I’m with another girl or not. I don’t want to be with another woman at all and it hasn’t even crossed my mind.

 

You can't do anything about that, really. She clearly isn't ready to try again right now, and you need your time and space away from her if she isn't serious about putting things back together.

[calikid32190]

You can't do anything about that, really. She clearly isn't ready to try again right now, and you need your time and space away from her if she isn't serious about putting things back together.

 

I get the idk answer a lot and the it could change later down the line. I said is there a 0% chance and she says she doesn’t know. The most confusing part to me is we’re both on the same page as to why we want to be back together so our family can be whole but I’m literally willing to do whatever for that to happen and she is saying that but isn’t allowing it to happen then why say that’s what you want?

[boltnrun]

If you're willing to do anything you would get counseling. Not insist you don't need it or brush aside the suggestion.

 

And yes, you ARE that man. You don't do something for 7 years if that isn't what you're really like.

[Hollyj]

If you're willing to do anything you would get counseling. Not insist you don't need it or brush aside the suggestion.

 

And yes, you ARE that man. You don't do something for 7 years if that isn't what you're really like.

 

Totally agree!

[Doosha]

First of all, you've been together for so long - you got addicted to each other and it's hard to break a habit out of the blue.

That is why she is reaching out. Especially if she is as lonely as she says she is. You were probably always the first-to-go-to person in her life, and that is a habit she needs to break.

Noone here can tell you what she really feels.

Seems to me that she doesn't know what she feels.

If someone was abusive to me for such a long time, 3 weeks would definitely not change my feelings. It would take years.

 

I see only two options for you two.

 

1. Talk to her about going to a couples therapy. I understand why she is feeling the way she is, but right now your past behavior is not the ONLY reason you are not getting back together. I really think both of you need to see a counselor. Either together or individually.

 

2. You tell her you love her, you will always be there for her if something happens to her or your son, but that you both need some time and space to heal. And to learn how to be independent of each other.

I am sorry, I know you don't see it right now but you two are in a loop that will not stop until someone breaks it. There are ways to initiate an NC in a loving and caring way. Considering you two have a kid, it will never be a 100% NC. But there are ways to still maintain it, while seeing each other when you have to (son). If you are afraid that she will think you are leaving her for good - leave some of your stuff at the house. This will give her a sign that you will come back once you two are better as individuals.

And also, whenever she reaches out (FB tags, comments, random texts) remind her why you are taking time and space. If it helps, put a time limit on it.

In the meantime, get help - either with a counselor or by yourself. Really deeply analyze your behavior and find the root of the problem and than work on fixing it.

 

p.s. What she said about seeing other women - its a female thing, she is unconsciously testing you. But it doesn't matter what she says. If you want, you will see other women. If you don't, you won't. Simple as that. ;)

[calikid32190]

First of all, you've been together for so long - you got addicted to each other and it's hard to break a habit out of the blue.

That is why she is reaching out. Especially if she is as lonely as she says she is. You were probably always the first-to-go-to person in her life, and that is a habit she needs to break.

Noone here can tell you what she really feels.

Seems to me that she doesn't know what she feels.

If someone was abusive to me for such a long time, 3 weeks would definitely not change my feelings. It would take years.

 

I see only two options for you two.

 

1. Talk to her about going to a couples therapy. I understand why she is feeling the way she is, but right now your past behavior is not the ONLY reason you are not getting back together. I really think both of you need to see a counselor. Either together or individually.

 

2. You tell her you love her, you will always be there for her if something happens to her or your son, but that you both need some time and space to heal. And to learn how to be independent of each other.

I am sorry, I know you don't see it right now but you two are in a loop that will not stop until someone breaks it. There are ways to initiate an NC in a loving and caring way. Considering you two have a kid, it will never be a 100% NC. But there are ways to still maintain it, while seeing each other when you have to (son). If you are afraid that she will think you are leaving her for good - leave some of your stuff at the house. This will give her a sign that you will come back once you two are better as individuals.

And also, whenever she reaches out (FB tags, comments, random texts) remind her why you are taking time and space. If it helps, put a time limit on it.

In the meantime, get help - either with a counselor or by yourself. Really deeply analyze your behavior and find the root of the problem and than work on fixing it.

 

p.s. What she said about seeing other women - its a female thing, she is unconsciously testing you. But it doesn't matter what she says. If you want, you will see other women. If you don't, you won't. Simple as that. ;)

 

The thing about the leaving stuff at the house is she would always say I had stuff at the house but was never in a hurry for me to get it. I decided to finally make sure I got all my stuff on my own so I could be completely out she never really pressured me to get it. I’ve told her I love her even though she doesn’t feel the same about me and that I’m there for her if she needs yesterday. I also told her that I wouldn’t be reaching out anymore that I feel when she is ready she will reach out to me and then yesterday after saying that she tags me in something on FB it’s like she’s testing me to see if I will actually respond. It’s really hard for me to be the one to break it since I was the one who was doing wrong so when she reaches out to me about anything I normally respond. Even today she’s love my posts on FB and liking them. I don’t do that at all with anything she is posting I’m trying to respect her space it’s like she’s going against what she said by trying To have at least one interaction with me a day. Today I was supposed to get my son at 2pm and I got busy and just got done at 3pm and since I told her I should be there by 3pm and I’m not she calls me and says where am I and starts asking me who I’m with because she sees my car in the driveway still. I don’t get who I’m with pertains to our son and I’m actually Across the street because I’m staying with my aunt and she lives directly across the street from my ex. That behavior is weird to me if you don’t want to be with me why does it matter who I’m with? I was respectful and told her even though I shouldn’t have. Then after she just sent me a text telling me the door is open and that she is sick in the bathroom. All I need to know is the door is open so I can get my son I don’t need to know she’s not feeling good in the bathroom it’s like she wants me to ask if shes ok or something. Then I get to the house to pickup my son and she says what we’re you guys doing that you’re and hour and a half late to get your son? I told her hanging out and she said doing what and I said hanging out again and she was like it’s fine you don’t need to explain yourself and she’s right I don’t so get why she’s doing this stuff today. That doesn’t make sense because she sits there and cries that she doesn’t get to spend anytime with him but yet wants to criticize me for not being there at 3. She should be happy she got a little more time with him today. She then texts me and says I’m a little disappointed in your lack of consistency today. Like really instead of criticizing for one day that I wasn’t on time be happy you got to spend that extra time with are son it’s like she’s just trying to get a reaction out of me.

[calikid32190]

So today got super confusing she asked me to stay for dinner and I really was trying to stick with NC but she even told me she is actually reaching out to me and I’m refusing so I said I would stay for dinner. We were laughing and playing around with each other and we were watching a tv show and she actually randomly laid on my lap. I didn’t touch her though and let her lay there after the show was over we just started reminiscing on all the good times we had and as I’m talking she actually kissed my lips and not just once 4 times I went with it but it is super confusing and can’t find out what’s going on. She got up for a second then came back and layed on me facing me and we started talking about more memories we had and she randomly kisses my lips another 4 times and says it’s been so long since she kissed me. I asked her was it a mistake that she just did that and she said no she is happy which is just has me super confused. I was only able to do NC for like 5 days and then this starts happening. We even reminisced on all our sexual things we’ve done which was weird to and we were laughing and giggling. The hardest part was when she whispered in my ear saying she does love me. This hurt a lot because she hasn’t said that to me since the breakup and all of these emotions she’s releasing on me tonight has me so confused because then tomorrow is going to come and then what?

[MissCanuck]

OP, you need to have an honest talk with her.

 

Tell her that while you would love to work things out, these hookups and hangouts cannot continue if she does not want to commit to a reconciliation because it is too painful for you. Period.

[calikid32190]

OP, you need to have an honest talk with her.

 

Tell her that while you would love to work things out, these hookups and hangouts cannot continue if she does not want to commit to a reconciliation because it is too painful for you. Period.

 

To end the night I thought I would go back home like I always do but instead she asked me to lay with her in bed and I did and we’re facing each other and she kisses my forehead twice and tells me everything today has been genuine and she doesn’t know what tomorrow will bring she is holding me right now as she sleeps. I’m so confused I love this woman so much just not sure what’s going on she initiated everything today and I let her it didn’t feel like she was trying to feel something like in the 3 weeks she was trying with me it actually felt genuine like she said.

[MissCanuck]

Again, I repeat: tell her these hookups have to stop if you're not both actively working towards reconciliation.

 

Get yourself into counseling for the abuse that led to the relationship breakdown. You can let her know you're seeking help. Stop hesitating and do something that will benefit you regardless of whether or not she wants to try again.