Please help me understand

[calikid32190]

My gf of 10 years decided to break up with me last month because of me I was verbally abusive and wasn’t open with my feelings. After about a week and a half of the break up she said she wanted to try again which meant she wanted to try to feel something for me and I was able to show her that I was able to change everything she ever wanted I did it for 3 weeks I complimented her everyday, wrote her good morning and good night messages, took on all responsibilities even with are son and wasn’t verbally abusice at all because I realized my mistakes and decided I wanted to be a better man but after 3 weeks she gave up on me again after being basically perfect. Her reasoning was that she just felt to much pressure to make herself feel something that she isn’t feeling right now and she didn’t feel it was fair for her to keep having me try if she wasn’t feeling anything. She has been telling me a lot she doesn’t know who she is anymore and that she needs to find herself and what makes her happy again and that right now she doesn’t want a relationship with me and I asked if that meant forever and she says she doesn’t know it could change. She has went back and forth of what she wants. She has said she wants her family back then she has said she doesn’t want her family back and today when we talk about us she cries and I asked why if she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and she said it’s because she wants her family back but she is the only one in control of that because that’s what I wanted but it’s up to her. So now I’m just giving her space and she said she wants to be friends and see what happens from there and I’ve told her I’m here for her because she says she has no one who cares but me and I’m still trying to be there for her in anyway I can and for our son. She even tells me she has no one who cares about her and I say I do and she says you’re the only one yet won’t let me back in and doesn’t have feelings for me. She does still talk to me and wants me around because she likes when I’m around it’s just weird and I don’t know if there is a chance we can get back together or not. I’m giving her space now and the last 3 days we have been splitting time with are son at separate houses because what was happening before is I was at her house all the time when I was spending time with him and she was right there as well and just 2 days of this so far now that I’ve taken him to my house I think she’s starting to maybe realize and maybe really want to work on having her family. I’m just really confused because she says she wants her family yet she is the only one who can make that decision because she is the one who doesn’t want me because she isn’t feeling anything right now. Everything I was doing in those 3 weeks I was doing for her and I even told her she didn’t have to worry about my feelings because I was there for her and I want to find out what makes her happy and to bring her up and even with her giving up on me after the 3 weeks I’m still there for her trying to help and be there for her in anyway I can which probably makes me an idiot. What I told her today is I do want to be her friend and that I’m going to continue to give her her space since she never really got space away from me. It was always her idea though for me to be over at her house hanging out with are son. I told her I’m going to continue to give her her space and if she is feeling down or needs anything that I’m here for her but I’m not going to text her first or try to find out how she feels because I feel when she needs me or wants to talk she will reach out to me. With everything that has happened What should I do? Is there even a chance?

[Hollyj]

Why did it take 10 years for you to stop the verbal abuse? Have you sought counseling to address your problems. This is the only way I would take you seriously. This does not go away in 3 weeks. Why the bullying?

 

You do realize the disastrous influence (abuse) this has on your kid.

[CubbyBear]

Yeah, it's easy to stop doing something for 3 weeks. Real change takes months possibly even years. Your best bet right now is to continue to give her space while you focus on yourself. Doing anything else will just make your situation worse.

[calikid32190]

The thing is I was only given 3 weeks I wasn’t the one who quit and she said it wasn’t me this time it’s just she’s not feeling anything right now for me. The weird thing is she kinda of freaked out a little bit when I finally said that I’m not going to come around to her house anymore and I would see my son at my house it’s like she wants me over there but won’t just say it. She does say she enjoys my company and that she cares about me and wants my happiness the problem is she is the thing that makes me happy my family.Like I said she said she wants her family back but for some reason she won’t do that right now. I asked her when she figures out stuff for herself could I be the first guy to get a chance with her and she actually gave me a straight answer and said yes. She also told me I will always be her first when she says stuff like that it’s so confusing.

[calikid32190]

Why did it take 10 years for you to stop the verbal abuse? Have you sought counseling to address your problems. This is the only way I would take you seriously. This does not go away in 3 weeks. Why the bullying?

 

You do realize the disastrous influence (abuse) this has on your kid.

 

Because I was an idiot. There was a time where she broke my trust about 3 years into our relationship and it was her sending pics and I could never get over that even though she did redeem herself and was open about everything but when that happened it turned me into this nasty person that I didn’t even recognize because my trust is my most important thing i never trust anyone but I trusted her and that happened. I’ve been able to change very easily because I found the man I used to be the man she fell in love with and she tells me stuff like why couldn’t I do this before she broke up with me and I tell her at least I got him back and I’m not going to go back to that guy anymore because I want to be the best man I can be for her. I’ve listened to her I just never implemented what she was saying and in the 3 weeks I was given I showed her that it wasn’t just all talk she got to witness it. I’ve always listened but I only got 3 weeks not by my choice.

[Hollyj]

Are you going to seek therapy for your abusive ways?

[Hollyj]

Because I was an idiot. There was a time where she broke my trust about 3 years into our relationship and it was her sending pics and I could never get over that even though she did redeem herself and was open about everything but when that happened it turned me into this nasty person that I didn’t even recognize because my trust is my most important thing i never trust anyone but I trusted her and that happened. I’ve been able to change very easily because I found the man I used to be the man she fell in love with and she tells me stuff like why couldn’t I do this before she broke up with me and I tell her at least I got him back and I’m not going to go back to that guy anymore because I want to be the best man I can be for her. I’ve listened to her I just never implemented what she was saying and in the 3 weeks I was given I showed her that I’ve always listened but I only got 3 weeks not by my choice.

 

It is not about being an "idiot," it is about being an abuser. No one is able to change in three weeks. Seven years of bullying needs years of therapy. You do not recognize the severity of this, and you will revert to your old ways, as it is who you have become.

 

You should not be together, but on your own dealing with your problem.

[calikid32190]

Are you going to seek therapy for your abusive ways?

 

It’s not something I need because this isn’t the person I’ve always been this has opened my eyes and helped me find the man I was before I was already working on getting that guy back before she broke up with me but she was just so fed up that I didn’t get enough time to make it happen. My problem was I didn’t think before I spoke and would say hurtful things in the moment of arguments becAuse I was mad. I know what I did wrong and I’ve admitted to everything and I’ve chosen to change because I want to and I’ve told her this.

[Hollyj]

You don't just flip a switch. Damn, you have been punishing her for 7 long years. Wow! You are in serious denial.

 

If you really wanted to change, you would seek help. At least do it for your child.

[calikid32190]

It is not about being an "idiot," it is about being an abuser. No one is able to change in three weeks. Seven years of bullying needs years of therapy. You do not recognize the severity of this, and you will revert to your old ways, as it is who you have become.

 

You should not be together, but on your own dealing with your problem.

 

I was only given 3 weeks because she felt pressure and she felt she had to worry about my feeling when I told her my feelings don’t matter and to not worry about them that I was there for her. I could have easily if kept going I didn’t want to give up this 2nd time and it was really easy to be this man for 3 weeks because i felt good about it and when I want something I go for it and I want to be the guy she fell in love with so I don’t even think about doing what I was doing in the past.

[calikid32190]

You don't just flip a switch. Damn, you have been punishing her for 7 long years. Wow! You are in serious denial.

 

If you really wanted to change, you would seek help. At least do it for your child.

 

I’m not denying what I did I’ve owned up to it and am trying to implement change and I was it’s just I was only given 3 weeks and she wouldn’t care if I went to counseling that’s not what matters to her.

[Hollyj]

We are going in circles. You don;t get it. If you were serious, you would put your ego aside and get professional help.

 

You have been emotionally abusive to this woman and child for seven years, not seven days. You have been punishing her for a long time, and this says something about who you are.

 

If she is smart she will not place your child or herself in this situation, until YOU decide to make an active change. I hope that you make the right decision for your family.

 

Please stop repeating how she would not allow the relationship to continue a second time, she is reluctant to go back, because you are a bully.

[Hollyj]

I’m not denying what I did I’ve owned up to it and am trying to implement change and I was it’s just I was only given 3 weeks and she wouldn’t care if I went to counseling that’s not what matters to her.

You should want/need to make changes for yourself. I know that if I was with a bully, counseling would show that he was willing to address the problem.

 

What are you scared of?

[calikid32190]

You should want/need to make changes for yourself. I know that if I was with a bully, counseling would show that he was willing to address the problem.

 

What are you scared of?

 

I’m not scared of anything but not everyone needs conuseling some people can actually do things because they actually want to get better and push themselves to do so.It takes 2 In a relationship so not everything was my fault but I’ve owned up to most all of it because I wanted to take responsibility.My son is only 1 year and 4 months so he hasn’t always been in the picture.

[calikid32190]

I’m trying to do NC now but it’s hard because when I go over to her house to get my son she still asks how I’m doing and tries to just chit chat with me. The thing is I’m trying to respect her space because she asked for it and what she said she’s means by space is emotional space but that she still wants to be in contact with me. So how can I do NC? Like just today she tagged me in something on fb about if a movie trailer was real when it’s clearly fake and she didn’t have to tag me in anything to start a conversation but I feel if I do NC when she is actually trying to start a conversation that could be bad for me. I’m just confused on it.

[CubbyBear]

Like I said, it's easy to do anything for 3 weeks. If you were serious about changing you leave her alone and get serious help. I only say this because I want to see a positive ending to this situation. If you really loved and cared for her, the kids, and yourself, you would do the right thing. Anything else is you being selfish and/or in denial. You came here asking for help and this is the best advice you will receive.

[calikid32190]

Like I said, it's easy to do anything for 3 weeks. If you were serious about changing you leave her alone and get serious help. I only say this because I want to see a positive ending to this situation. If you really loved and cared for her, the kids, and yourself, you would do the right thing. Anything else is you being selfish and/or in denial. You came here asking for help and this is the best advice you will receive.

 

The thing is I want to leave her alone and give her her space but I don’t want her to feel like I don’t care about her anymore. I want to do NC it’s hard though when she chooses to talk to me like what do I do then? If I just ignore her when she’s talking to me she will be upset.

[CubbyBear]

Tell her that you need to go NC so she can heal and you can work on yourself; to become the man you were meant to be. I can't think of a better way to show that you love her and yourself.

[calikid32190]

Tell her that you need to go NC so she can heal and you can work on yourself; to become the man you were meant to be. I can't think of a better way to show that you love her and yourself.

 

Well that’s what I tried to tell her today that I wouldn’t be reaching out to her to find out things about her and to give her her space like she asked and I reassured her that I am here for her and I do care but that when she wants to reach out to me is when we can talk. Right after that is when she tagged me in the thing on FB which is just completely confusing to me because I’m trying to respect her space but if I didn’t answer her she would think I don’t care or am being mean and ignoring her.

[MissCanuck]

As someone who was verbally abused by an ex - you left scars that you don't even know about yet.

 

That kind of damage runs very deep. It changes something inside you, and even if you want to heal from the insults and abuse, it's a long road to recovery. It also dramatically changes the way you view your abusive partner. You just cannot unhear those abusive words, and it is a complete turn-off. I remember the day I met up with my ex (while we were still together, but getting near the end of the relationship) and I thought to myself: "Ugh. I don't even like this man anymore. I don't want to be here on this date." And I knew it was over between us.

 

Please don't be so foolish to assume you can just stop your abusive behaviour. If you are serious about her and serious about becoming a better person, get yourself into counseling. I pleaded with my ex to do the same and he vehemently refused. So I left, and I left for good. It's not about just the hurtful words themselves; it's also about the fact that you gave yourself permission for 7 years to bully and abuse her. It's about a toxic power dynamic and your desire to hurt her. It's about you not walking away after she betrayed you, and instead using it as leverage to cause her pain for following 7 years. You believing you can just stop being "an idiot" tells me you really don't understand the gravity of this. Show this woman you mean business and get help now.

 

Listen to someone who's been in her shoes.

[calikid32190]

As someone who was verbally abused by an ex - you left scars that you don't even know about yet.

 

That kind of damage runs very deep. It changes something inside you, and even if you want to heal from the insults and abuse, it's a long road to recovery. It also dramatically changes the way you view your abusive partner. You just cannot unhear those abusive words, and it is a complete turn-off. I remember the day I met up with my ex (while we were still together, but getting near the end of the relationship) and I thought to myself: "Ugh. I don't even like this man anymore. I don't want to be here on this date." And I knew it was over between us.

 

Please don't be so foolish to assume you can just stop your abusive behaviour. If you are serious about her and serious about becoming a better person, get yourself into counseling. I pleaded with my ex to do the same and he vehemently refused. So I left, and I left for good. It's not about just the hurtful words themselves; it's also about the fact that you gave yourself permission for 7 years to bully and abuse her. It's about a toxic power dynamic and your desire to hurt her. It's about you not walking away after she betrayed you, and instead using it as leverage to cause her pain for following 7 years. You believing you can just stop being "an idiot" tells me you really don't understand the gravity of this. Show this woman you mean business and get help now.

 

Listen to someone who's been in her shoes.

 

She’s very confusing on what she wants though. She says she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me right now but then says things like she wants her family back that’s what she said today. When we talk about us she cries and says it’s hard for her to talk about us and I asked why if she doesn’t have feelings for me right now and she says it’s bevause she wants her family back yet she is the only one who can do that because that was my goal to and I told her that is no longer my goal because it is unobtainable because she is the only one that can make that happen but she isn’t right now which is why it’s confusing. Not to mention she still wants to be my friend and wants my company. One of the big things is she tells me how alone she is and how no one cares about her except me. I’m trying to be there for her because I don’t want her to feel she really has no one. She posted something on FB and her own mom just put a question mark rather than calling and finding out what’s wrong. The thing is I’ve always been there for her through everything she has ever gone through and I tell her what about her work friends and she says those aren’t her friends and she doesn’t have any family where we live it’s all my family. I’m really confused by the stuff she does she makes me seem like there might be a chance and it’s

Making it hard for me to follow NC when she iniates because if she feels like she has no one and then I ignore her I don’t know what she would do. Also I’ve told her I would do whatever it takes idc what it is to get our family back and she hasn’t said anything about counseling. She just says she just needs her space and for me to be patient and I told her I can be patient but she also said it’s ok if I move on and she wants me to be happy but crying as she says it so it’s all super confusing If she really wants me to move on with another woman.

[calikid32190]

Something I’m also noticing on these threads is when the couples break up they don’t talk to each other for almost a year or longer. In my situation it was only for about a week when she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me and then I just kept helping and doing whatever I could and asked her on a date and that’s when she said she wanted to try even though it only lasted 3 weeks she still wants to talk to me not as much of course like a few messages here and there so is there hope here then? I’m trying to follow NC but when she initiates I answer I just don’t initiate first so I can still respect the emotional space she needs.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you should be getting help regardless of what she wants.

 

You shouldn't need her to tell you to seek help. Show some initiative and do it anyway, for you. Why are you so resistant to taking this step?

 

You're getting wrapped up in the little details without actually addressing the much more serious issue.

[calikid32190]

I could do the counseling but what should I do as far as the other stuff though? I feel like I get mixed emotions from her on things which is making it hard for me to move on. I don’t know if she really doesn’t care if I’m with another girl or not. I don’t want to be with another woman at all and it hasn’t even crossed my mind.

[Hollyj]

He does not want to address the problem: him.

 

Another problem is that you don't listen.