How I got the girl of my dreams and then lost her..(help!)

[RegretfulStudent]

I've actually been reading this forum for the past month, but this is my first time posting.

 

Here is my story.. I know it's long but I really do need some help to get her back, so please feel free to give me some advice:

 

I was good friends with my future ex for a long time before we actually started dating. We had common friends and both had a crush on each for about a year. Nothing ever came of this mutual attraction until I moved to the city she lives in to start grad school. She was actually starting grad school at the same university at the same time, but for a different program. Within a month or two of school (last July), we began dating and hit it off. We would stay with each other 4 or 5 nights out of the week and call each other at any given opportunity. I was so happy because I always figured she was out of my league and was always trying to impress her (attention, surprises, gifts, etc). She loved all of this.. she told me things like 'I love you more than anyone else I have ever dated,' 'I love that you are so tender hearted,' etc. Our intense relationship was very inconvenient to do with graduate school going on at the same time for both of us.. often we'd have to go straight home and do work in order to spend time with each other later at night. But even that would be unfulfilling because by the time we saw each other we would often be too exhausted/anxious about the next day of classes.

 

After a couple of months, we began fighting. I began demanding alot out of her because I guess I resented her on the inside. I figured if I was working so hard to free up time for her then she should do the same. I figured she shouldn't go and have a girls weekends every now and then because our time was so limited. Part of me resented her because I felt like I never could go out to bars and have fun like I used to before we started dating. This is ironic though, because she would always tell me to go out with the guys or my classmates and have fun, but I would never go because I would always rather spend time with her. Part of me thought I wasn't ready to settle down, in fact I even told her once that I was having thoughts of seeing other people. She was real sad when I mentioned this, but replied by saying if I need to see other people, then go ahead.. because she will wait for me. That idea left my mind and I decided to stay with her, but somewhere along the lines we stopped having fun and started fighting more often. These fights happened frequently until she began to feel like she was walking on eggshells/always trying to not piss me off. The unhealthy relationship/arguments reached their limits in March, when she broke up with me.

 

That devastated me and finally made me realize what I had done. I got the girl of my dreams and then pushed her away. After a few days of extreme internal pain I went to her house with a rose and candy and asked if I could talk to her. I laid it all out then, how I was sorry for everything that our relationship had become and that I see how it was unhealthy, etc and asked her for one chance to show her I could change. She said she would need to think about it so the weekend passed and then on Monday I called her and told her I needed to know because I felt like my heart was being toyed with. She said she still wasn't sure and I decided to go over to talk to her. Once in each other's presense, we began hugging, crying, and just having an emotional epiphany. It was very emotional and she decided she would take me back, but our school work was busy that week so we decided to take it easy that week and not stay with each other/bombard each other with calls until Friday. So Friday finally came and I was having a party over at my place and she came over. We had a great time and were very happy. She went out of town the next day and came back Sunday just real cold. We hung out from then on until she woke up Tuesday and just said she didn't want to do this anymore. Of course I didn't handle this and pleaded with her but she wasn't changing her mind this time.

 

I left and never called her/emailed her/anything. I was trying the whole no contact philosophy. But I broke those rules because we would run into each other on campus every week or so and talk for a little bit. She would always be very cordial, because that's in her nature and she never wanted to lose me as a friend. I would never call her and I still wonder why she never calls me after an intense 8 month relationship.

 

Finally, on day 30 I couldn't take it anymore and went to her house to tell her I still have feelings for her. She was very nice and let me in and I basically just laid it all out. I told her that I realize that I cracked under the pressure of school, but also that I am a young and that should be understandable. I told her that I still loved her, that I am still emotional almost every day because of her, that I have become a more balanced person since we have broken up (I definitely have because I've enjoyed hanging out with alot of new people and going out without any responsibility). That last item was the biggest improvement, because when I moved her for school I made her my life and crutch. I told her that I wasn't trying to win her back right now, all I want is to maybe try to give it another shot this summer when we are out of school and less stressed. I told her I wasn't trying to jump back into our intense relationship, I just want to maybe go to a casual lunch/dinner, baseball game, etc once the summer starts and take it from there. She was real nice the entire time but she eventually had to say 'sorry, but I don't feel that way.' She said 'honestly, I've spent some time by myself and I honestly don't miss us hanging out', 'I am happier now that the relationship is over and feel less stressed all the time.' Of course she feels less stressed, I do too.. it's alot less stressful going to school when you don't have to come home and automatically start studying in order to make time for someone.

 

The summer doesn't start for a few more weeks. Part of me regrets jumping the gun by going over there and asking for a chance in the future. I know I should go ahead and record this one as a loss, but part of me still wishes that we could just take a chance this summer. Another thing that gets me is that she is taking all this so much better than I am. Maybe because she had her mourning time in between our 2-3 breakups.

I know I will see her at a wedding this weekend and am nervous. Who knows, it's been 5 weeks.. she might even be there with someone.

 

I still can't stop myself from having feelings/ideas for trying to get her back. She's all I can think about.. what should I do?

Thanks for reading.

[drowning_in_pain]

Hey i really enjoyed reading your post. I feel bad for you. I think that you just need to try seeing other people and it sounds to me that she doesn't want to have a relationship like you want anymore so you should move on. Hanging out with your friends more too helps with the situation.

[RegretfulStudent]

I know she is enjoying her freedom and friends, but deep down she wants to have a serious relationship. Unfortunately, it sounds like she knows she doesn't want to have one with me. How should I act at the wedding this weekend? I would really like to ask her for a dance.