Faith Commitment Action

[IAmFCA]

He sounds very patient, tolerant and understanding.

 

Well, yes, its extraordinary.

 

Also, not a parent, and that really is a double edged sword. He has resources of a singe adult - extra cash flow, extra time, extra brain space. But so hard to accept how hard it is to be away from home, or that he doesn't understand how hard it is. Understandable!

[Batya33]

Well, yes, its extraordinary.

 

Also, not a parent, and that really is a double edged sword. He has resources of a singe adult - extra cash flow, extra time, extra brain space. But so hard to accept how hard it is to be away from home, or that he doesn't understand how hard it is. Understandable!

 

I wasn't a parent till age 42 and I got it - I was an aunt, had a lot of experience with kids and just basic common sense and empathy. On the other hand I didn't always get the reciprocity when my work schedule (my "baby" at the time) was so unpredictable and stressful - because I was "single" some thought I had no responsibilities and had no family. It goes both ways. I do remember two incidents as a new mom with one particular friend - in one case she wanted me to leave my sleeping baby alone in the apartment and go in an elevator to the lobby so I could meet her boyfriend who was picking her up -she didn't get that there was no way I would ever do such a thing. And another time I asked her to hold him for a minute so I could pee, she hesitated and I didn't get how strong her hesitation was. When I handed him to her on the couch she put him to the side and he almost rolled off (luckily I was right there). So yes she was clueless. In other cases, parents didn't get it (since we all parent differently) and non-parents went the extra mile and did get it.

 

There is a point where I think parents wear the mantle of "you don't get it -you have the freedom to come and go" to an extent that can get too much - so just IMO as a fellow parent please balance it a bit and empathize about his responsibilities as an adult. And just neutrally repeat your schedule and responsibilities but not as if yours are more onerous than his. You don't know if that's true (and even if it is I don't think it would be effective to even imply it or state the parent/non-parent difference.

[IAmFCA]

All good points, Batya.

 

The way it comes up is about time together. Bottom line, before him, I was home more often. It's a hard reality when time has to be meted out to one or the other. He gets it... but not quite. He knew I had dated others etc and assumed I was out a lot, but I didn't date like that and not so frequently. And he is stuck on the outside of our family fence because my teens are holding him in purgatory for a while - which is fine! It means my time is split between them, and of course they win. He is learning how bottom line it is; either I am home being their homemaker, or I'm not.

[IAmFCA]

This morning he said I have a new appreciation for the conflict you feel.

 

Ahhh how I love a man that learns.

 

I appreciate how hard it is for a man who culturally identifies with the provide protect profess tenets of manhood to step into a life so fully formed before he arrived. No matter how much he saw it get made and loves its contents, if he wants to shape it, he has to accept certain constants that predate him. That must be a new sort of challenge...

[Batya33]

All good points, Batya.

 

The way it comes up is about time together. Bottom line, before him, I was home more often. It's a hard reality when time has to be meted out to one or the other. He gets it... but not quite. He knew I had dated others etc and assumed I was out a lot, but I didn't date like that and not so frequently. And he is stuck on the outside of our family fence because my teens are holding him in purgatory for a while - which is fine! It means my time is split between them, and of course they win. He is learning how bottom line it is; either I am home being their homemaker, or I'm not.

 

And this is why I didn't date single parents (with the exception of two dates with one -until he told me that if I ever stayed over his kids likely would be there, no thanks, and I dated someone for 3 months whose ex girlfriend was pregnant with their child -I couldn't handle it after the baby was born). Anyway - if he really doesn't get it compare it to a situation of unpredictable work and travel schedules - does he have friends with kids? Siblings with kids -his cluelessness surprises me.

 

I don't get why his preconceive notions about manhood are in conflict with your situation -isn't part of providing/protecting having strong family values? I get that he is not yet involved with your family but surely if his instinct is to provide and protect wouldn't he get that in the context of family and be supportive of your need to make your kids your top priority?

[IAmFCA]

And this is why I didn't date single parents (with the exception of two dates with one -until he told me that if I ever stayed over his kids likely would be there, no thanks, and I dated someone for 3 months whose ex girlfriend was pregnant with their child -I couldn't handle it after the baby was born). Anyway - if he really doesn't get it compare it to a situation of unpredictable work and travel schedules - does he have friends with kids? Siblings with kids -his cluelessness surprises me.

 

I don't get why his preconceive notions about manhood are in conflict with your situation -isn't part of providing/protecting having strong family values? I get that he is not yet involved with your family but surely if his instinct is to provide and protect wouldn't he get that in the context of family and be supportive of your need to make your kids your top priority?

 

He is completely supportive of my family, and completely supportive of making our relationship work. In terms of time, that has seemed to him to be in conflict. He is starting to get the concept of acceptance. He wishes he could jump right in, show up for birthdays and graduations, support them at sporting events, as well as the more mundane drive them places as needed, spend a weekend day out in nature, make a family dinner. He gets it. I told him we can be thankful they are neither starving for attention nor easy to redirect, and in that sense "hard to get".

 

The deeper issue is one of them is using their dad's low level of participation as a high water mark, as if someone else's attention that may exceed that benchmark would challenge her affection for her father. Of course, that is not the case; dad is dad is dad is dad. She recognizes my guy's kindness, but rejects it too, because she doesn't get it from her father and isn't going to, and therefore doesn't want it from anyone else either.

 

Am thinking on that one!

[IAmFCA]

Hmmmm let me say this differently.

 

My challenge is that I want other people to accept a relationship with someone, and that is MY issue. My kids don't have a problem. I think they are letting an opportunity pass them by, but they know it will still be there later, and if it is, they will avail themselves of it. If it isn't, they will be glad to have let it go.

[Batya33]

He is completely supportive of my family, and completely supportive of making our relationship work. In terms of time, that has seemed to him to be in conflict. He is starting to get the concept of acceptance. He wishes he could jump right in, show up for birthdays and graduations, support them at sporting events, as well as the more mundane drive them places as needed, spend a weekend day out in nature, make a family dinner. He gets it. I told him we can be thankful they are neither starving for attention nor easy to redirect, and in that sense "hard to get".

 

The deeper issue is one of them is using their dad's low level of participation as a high water mark, as if someone else's attention that may exceed that benchmark would challenge her affection for her father. Of course, that is not the case; dad is dad is dad is dad. She recognizes my guy's kindness, but rejects it too, because she doesn't get it from her father and isn't going to, and therefore doesn't want it from anyone else either.

 

Am thinking on that one!

 

So he is supportive but in a way on his terms - supportive if you are ok and they are ok with him being involved in their lives and activities but less interested in sacrificing time with you when you need to spend time with your kids. I'm not criticizing and it does show, on his part, that he wants things a certain way and with certain timing even though it is your kids, they are teenagers and it's up to them whether they want to interact with your boyfriend. It's great that he accepts that his preference as to how to be supportive isn't consistent right now with the reality of your family situation.

[IAmFCA]

Tonight he took me to a wonderful put-on-a-dress sort of dinner, complete with champagne course, different wines as we went along. He encouraged me to keep me phone out so I would know when they got home, and then he brought me home soon after.they were home. It wasn't his intention at the outset, but he changed course during dinner. He said, earlier today, thank you for helping me see that it is like a zero sum game. He is getting it.

 

I got the whole fabulous teen download. So happy.

[Batya33]

Tonight he took me to a wonderful put-on-a-dress sort of dinner, complete with champagne course, different wines as we went along. He encouraged me to keep me phone out so I would know when they got home, and then he brought me home soon after.they were home. It wasn't his intention at the outset, but he changed course during dinner. He said, earlier today, thank you for helping me see that it is like a zero sum game. He is getting it.

 

I got the whole fabulous teen download. So happy.

 

Sounds like a lovely dinner!

[IAmFCA]

Sounds like a lovely dinner!

 

It was, thank you! He speaks a few languages and was able to converse comfortably in the restaurant's language. I love that (in part because I can follow the convo, not left out. And he isn't being pretentious or whatever. Just is a polyglot. It's like a little vaca.)

 

My young adult is schooling her bf right now. I wish I could just go all neanderthal on him. Tell him to fall in line, or buzz off.

 

She got harassed at work. The bf didn't mean to misstep, but he was giving the basic man treatment: "I'll kill him." "Does it happen to everyone?" She is like, "get off my back. I can handle it." And she can. Can I go beat him up? Sigh.

[IAmFCA]

I am asserting my priorities simply by doing them, and its working! Bf will ask, Are we good, and you are simply focused on your to do list, or am I missing something? I say We good, and he says Ok with a happy tone. It is easy and upbeat. I thank him for asking, it is a way of taking responsibility for the RL. I make a note to show some affection or assurance, such as a note in the mail or a surprise in his fridge (i have keys but we very much do not live together in any way). My time is the most challenging part and somehow he rolls with that.

 

I am grateful.

[IAmFCA]

Bf off exploring the planet.

 

Bff found slush on line & active. His gf (or so it seems???) is model-beautiful, wealthy from her exH, politically conservative, and liked him enough to include him in pics in the social press. Why she doesn't push his buttons I really don't know (or maybe its vice versa).

 

Honestly, I think he looking externally but the answer lies within.

 

Am I over him? Nah. I don't want him. He was so close, but the ways we don't fit are like fatal flaws in an otherwise perfect tableau. Forgetting the fatal flaws, I'd be all over that.

 

And for perspective : my bf knows this, gets it, and isn't bothered. He trusts me and understands my emotional landscape. How unusual is that?!

[Batya33]

Bf off exploring the planet.

 

Bff found slush on line & active. His gf (or so it seems???) is model-beautiful, wealthy from her exH, politically conservative, and liked him enough to include him in pics in the social press. Why she doesn't push his buttons I really don't know (or maybe its vice versa).

 

Honestly, I think he looking externally but the answer lies within.

 

Am I over him? Nah. I don't want him. He was so close, but the ways we don't fit are like fatal flaws in an otherwise perfect tableau. Forgetting the fatal flaws, I'd be all over that.

 

And for perspective : my bf knows this, gets it, and isn't bothered. He trusts me and understands my emotional landscape. How unusual is that?!

 

I was active on an online dating site when I was ultra serious with my boyfriend. Because I wasn't aware that my profile was still accessible and visible. I thought I'd taken care of it. Also I logged on for friends who asked me to, with my boyfriend's knowledge. I still thought my profile was invisible. But it wasn't. Once I found out, I made sure it was gone. That can certainly be the case here and I wouldn't read into it in the least.

[IAmFCA]

I was active on an online dating site when I was ultra serious with my boyfriend. Because I wasn't aware that my profile was still accessible and visible. I thought I'd taken care of it. Also I logged on for friends who asked me to, with my boyfriend's knowledge. I still thought my profile was invisible. But it wasn't. Once I found out, I made sure it was gone. That can certainly be the case here and I wouldn't read into it in the least.

 

He checked out my friend's profile.

 

He could just be bored. He could be looking for something to pass the time while she (gf) is unavailable. Whatever it is, it isn't that he is unaware.

 

But doesn't matter in any case.

[Batya33]

He checked out my friend's profile.

 

He could just be bored. He could be looking for something to pass the time while she (gf) is unavailable. Whatever it is, it isn't that he is unaware.

 

But doesn't matter in any case.

 

So what -I wouldn't speculate and it could have been his GF snooping or someone else clicking around. And perhaps they're both fine with it. I just mean don't go there from second hand information that he clicked on your friend's profile.

[IAmFCA]

I absolutely love that bf is away. I am getting so much done, and he would help me if he were here. I much prefer that he is following his muse instead of getting sucked into my to do list.

 

Meanwhile, home is madness. Its as if we are moving in and moving out at the same time. Make it stop! Ha. Glad for the changes, when its all done.

[IAmFCA]

Bf has been away for a week.

 

I like his traveling style. In the moment. Never a vibe of wanting sexual validation or companionship from anyone, and never a vibe of loneliness either. He is chatting people up, finding out what to eat and where (and how) to eat it. Sending me waypoint messages and literally making up his agenda as he goes.

 

I am starting to look forward to meeting him on return. Also, Without his presence i have worked myself to exhaustion. I am sort of glad for that.

[IAmFCA]

Interesting coincidences btw

 

BF happenstance meet up occurred the day after the anniversary of my marriage and divorce. BF return from unusually long journey occurs the day before the first anniversary of my parent's death. I don't know that I think anything of it. Its as if my beginnings and endings have a season, a pattern. Making note of it.

[IAmFCA]

It will have been a year next weekend, and indeed a year was needed. We've only just emptied the house, I am beginning to poke me head out for broader recognition. It really truly did take a year.

 

The weird thing about my birth order... my friends don't get it. I don't need them to; its okay; that's not what I mean. There is a logic to having kids in your 20s. When the parents die, the kids may be retired. Their own kids our of the house. In a lifestage that allows for some changes. For folks who lose them sooner, or who are lucky like me and have at least one for a long time but were born late in their lives ... my work is on fire, my kids are a full time job, all my resources are extended, and what I really beed is a one year sabbatical.

 

The timing is just off.

[Batya33]

It will have been a year next weekend, and indeed a year was needed. We've only just emptied the house, I am beginning to poke me head out for broader recognition. It really truly did take a year.

 

The weird thing about my birth order... my friends don't get it. I don't need them to; its okay; that's not what I mean. There is a logic to having kids in your 20s. When the parents die, the kids may be retired. Their own kids our of the house. In a lifestage that allows for some changes. For folks who lose them sooner, or who are lucky like me and have at least one for a long time but were born late in their lives ... my work is on fire, my kids are a full time job, all my resources are extended, and what I really beed is a one year sabbatical.

 

The timing is just off.

 

When we were trying to conceive at 40 I knew our parents would be too old to help us with babysitting ,etc (we would be caretaking them, which we did) but in our case I knew I wanted to take at least a few years away from my on fire career (which turned out to be less on fire by the time I announced my pregnancy right after the 2008 crash - meaning who knew if any of us would still have a job) and having saved as much as I did it was comforting to know we had the resources for me to be the full time parent. But I can totally see what you're referring to!

[IAmFCA]

When we were trying to conceive at 40 I knew our parents would be too old to help us with babysitting ,etc (we would be caretaking them, which we did) but in our case I knew I wanted to take at least a few years away from my on fire career (which turned out to be less on fire by the time I announced my pregnancy right after the 2008 crash - meaning who knew if any of us would still have a job) and having saved as much as I did it was comforting to know we had the resources for me to be the full time parent. But I can totally see what you're referring to!

 

Yes Batya, you rocked it with your prep and planning. You are right that it served you well.

[IAmFCA]

Just gotta say, I really dig this bf dynamic. Its been over a week since we have seen or spoken to one another, yet our email communication is clear, casual, and as substantive, or frivolous, as we might be in any other context. He really is a gem, and one who is well suited for me. Bonus, my bf-resistant teen even said Too bad he isn't around.

 

All good things in time. I dig it. :)

[Batya33]

Yes Batya, you rocked it with your prep and planning. You are right that it served you well.

 

LOL not really - my plan was to marry at 23 (I was briefly engaged to Mr. Right Now/Perfect on Paper) and do the parenting thing first, the career thing plus grad school later - the financial planning -yes - I saw the writing on the wall once I was 31, done with grad school loans and Mr. Right nowhere in sight. Not that I wanted to depend on someone else to provide but at 23 I wouldn't have had any of my own $ to contribute - once I was in my 30s I figured I'd better grow that nest egg in case I was a single mother by choice someday, or adopting, or marrying someone who couldn't afford to have me stay home at least for awhile.

[IAmFCA]

LOL not really - my plan was to marry at 23 (I was briefly engaged to Mr. Right Now/Perfect on Paper) and do the parenting thing first, the career thing plus grad school later - the financial planning -yes - I saw the writing on the wall once I was 31, done with grad school loans and Mr. Right nowhere in sight. Not that I wanted to depend on someone else to provide but at 23 I wouldn't have had any of my own $ to contribute - once I was in my 30s I figured I'd better grow that nest egg in case I was a single mother by choice someday, or adopting, or marrying someone who couldn't afford to have me stay home at least for awhile.

 

Good on ya for adjusting, and finding a different way forward.

 

I bought early in life (worked on a house in exchange for rent as a way to save money -- exhausting!), my way of making sure I would always have a place of my own and a sort of savings account. I have been grateful for it ever since!