Do his friends not like me or are we just too different?

[benwyatt]

Hello!

 

I've been dating a guy for almost a year now. This is definitely the healthiest relationship I've ever had, which is the case for a number of factors both about myself and about my partner. I'm wrapping up a PhD program in pediatric psychology (one more year! yay!), and my partner is a reporter for a TV network.

 

My concern here has come up with his friends. Most of them, at least the one's he's closest to, are not the kind of friends I'd gravitate to. They're actually the kind of people I'd actively avoid.

 

I have always made it a point to get to know my partner's friends, and as much as I've tried, his friends and I haven't clicked. All my interactions with them have involved getting drunk or some type of partying. While I love to go out and dance, I am not much of a drinker. This had led to uncomfortable interactions where I end up being the only sober person in a very drunk group and then end up getting pushed aside.

 

The last party I went to with them felt very much like a undergrad/frat party: crazy amounts of beer pong/drinking and so much chaos that the police had to come by and check in. I got some hard flashbacks to my days in undergrad, and it's something I never thought would come up again (I am now in my early 30s and my partner in his late 20s). Most of his friend's conversations involve random hook-ups at clubs or one-night stands or other things I don't care much about or have never been able to relate to. I've made attempts to bring in a friend of mine or two to these hangouts, and they too have felt thrown off by what they saw or by how my partner's friends interacted with us. We both got a couple of "stink eyes." haha

 

I have made attempts to hangout with his friends outside of these settings (dinner/lunch etc), but these have never happened. I think they are all "drinking buddies" more than what I would consider "true friends." I've brought it up with my partner, and one thing that came up that threw me off was him calling me and my friends "judgmental." I didn't know how to process this, but it was a little hurtful. I can see where he's coming from, but I don't think the comment was called for unless I really am being that way.

 

What I worry about now is that I have found myself actively avoiding his friends and any interactions with them. They just haven't been fun times for me, and life is too short and time is too precious to do things we don't enjoy or so I think! He's gone out with them a couple of times on his own, and I end up feeling uncomfortable thinking about what's going on or when he comes back wasted.

 

Any advice on what to do here? Am I being judgmental? How should I approach the situation? I want his friends to like me, but I think that desire is one sided only!

[j.man]

I mean, if you're dead-set on being chummy with a partner's friends or combining social circles, then, while unfortunate, you two may simply be mismatched. Your boyfriend's kinda damned either way if you don't like hanging out with his friends and you're not comfortable with him hanging out with them on his own. Do you two not have mutual interests you could make some new and mutual friends with?

 

I have made attempts to hangout with his friends outside of these settings (dinner/lunch etc), but these have never happened. I think they are all "drinking buddies" more than what I would consider "true friends." I've brought it up with my partner, and one thing that came up that threw me off was him calling me and my friends "judgmental." I didn't know how to process this, but it was a little hurtful. I can see where he's coming from, but I don't think the comment was called for unless I really am being that way.

Well, it's kinda expected if you're effectively taking a dookie on his social circle, even if dressing it up with nice words. What kind of constructive conversation do you expect there to be had with describing your misgivings about his friends?

 

Speaking personally, I prefer to keep friendship circles relatively compartmentalized from my relationship. Some overlap is fine for the sake of being able to host parties without things going to hell, but she's got her avocado brunch club friends, her friends she gripes about work with, and her Broadway play friends... a good many of whom I couldn't tolerate having more than a 5-minute conversation with. And that's fine. More power to my fiancee for having people who share and are enthusiastic about such interests. I've also got my own friends who share about 0% in common with her. The vast majority of the time, we hang out with our respective friends separately. Needless to say, I wouldn't dream of expecting her to give up any aspect of her social dynamic or putting her in a position to defend her choice of friends. If they were that much of a deal-breaker, I'd have left her to find a guy who could tolerate her enjoying her social life as she sees fit.

 

But that's me. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be more involved in each others social circles. But if that's a big deal to you, you've got to find a guy whose friends you do click with and vice versa.

[DanZee]

Well, let's do a reality check here. You're hanging around a guy who's in his 20s and who is in the TV industry. Of course he's playing beer pong and talking about picking up drunk chicks in clubs! That's what guys in their 20s who's in the TV industry do! If you're going to hang around with the boys, you've got to act like the boys, or else maybe you ought to sit these parties out and go out with your girlfriends instead. A lot of what you're seeing also includes male bonding, which you may not have experienced much of or understand. And as you pointed out, these are not "friends" in the way you see them, but friends in the way men see them. I would also add that it's not important for his friends to like you. They actually might like you better if you're not hanging around judging them, as in, what a great girlfriend to let you come out and hang with the boys.

 

So the bottom line is let him blow off steam with his friends. Do your own thing on those nights. In a few years, hanging around with the boys might not be as important as it is now.

[IAmFCA]

Well, let's do a reality check here. You're hanging around a guy who's in his 20s and who is in the TV industry. Of course he's playing beer pong and talking about picking up drunk chicks in clubs! That's what guys in their 20s who's in the TV industry do! If you're going to hang around with the boys, you've got to act like the boys, or else maybe you ought to sit these parties out and go out with your girlfriends instead. A lot of what you're seeing also includes male bonding, which you may not have experienced much of or understand. And as you pointed out, these are not "friends" in the way you see them, but friends in the way men see them. I would also add that it's not important for his friends to like you. They actually might like you better if you're not hanging around judging them, as in, what a great girlfriend to let you come out and hang with the boys.

 

So the bottom line is let him blow off steam with his friends. Do your own thing on those nights. In a few years, hanging around with the boys might not be as important as it is now.

 

there is a lot of wisdom in these words

[benwyatt]

Hello all! I greatly appreciate the input. Thank you for taking the time!

 

Just a couple of things, I am a guy! haha (as is my partner). He is 29, and I am 31. His co-workers/friends are actually around our age-range or older (most are in their late 30s) and most of them are girls! haha

 

I do not necessarily want his friends to like/love me etc. I have my own friends and am perfectly happy with them. I just to make those times we have to spend together be less uncomfortable!

[DanZee]

I apologize for not seeing that you were a guy.

[Hollyj]

Is your boyfriend not partaking in this behavior.? You limit the thread to the friends.

[Hollyj]

Well, let's do a reality check here. You're hanging around a guy who's in his 20s and who is in the TV industry. Of course he's playing beer pong and talking about picking up drunk chicks in clubs! That's what guys in their 20s who's in the TV industry do! If you're going to hang around with the boys, you've got to act like the boys, or else maybe you ought to sit these parties out and go out with your girlfriends instead. A lot of what you're seeing also includes male bonding, which you may not have experienced much of or understand. And as you pointed out, these are not "friends" in the way you see them, but friends in the way men see them. I would also add that it's not important for his friends to like you. They actually might like you better if you're not hanging around judging them, as in, what a great girlfriend to let you come out and hang with the boys.

 

So the bottom line is let him blow off steam with his friends. Do your own thing on those nights. In a few years, hanging around with the boys might not be as important as it is now.

I don't agree. This is collage behavior.

 

He should be grateful because he is included in the hangouts. Huh?

[DancingFool]

Hello all! I greatly appreciate the input. Thank you for taking the time!

 

Just a couple of things, I am a guy! haha (as is my partner). He is 29, and I am 31. His co-workers/friends are actually around our age-range or older (most are in their late 30s) and most of them are girls! haha

 

I do not necessarily want his friends to like/love me etc. I have my own friends and am perfectly happy with them. I just to make those times we have to spend together be less uncomfortable!

 

Well....his friends are a reflection of who he is and what he likes to do. Just like your friends are a reflection of yourself and what you like to do. So when you find yourself at such extreme odds with each other, you have to wonder if this is really the right relationship overall for the both of you, or a case of opposites initially attract and then they fight.

 

You aren't wrong to want what you want, but perhaps this isn't the person you are going to get what you want from. Food for thought.

[benwyatt]

No problem! I just wanted to make sure that was cleared out and that gender roles were not mistaken/assumed! Thank you!

[benwyatt]

He has a couple of times. I think h has realized that it makes me uncomfortable/is not my thing and has made it a point to not do so at other hangouts. I feel guilt with this, though, because I feel that if I weren't around he would totally join in with his friends. I know it's what his weekends used to be like before I came around from what he said. In his own words, it was going out Friday after work, day drinking Saturday until the night, and being "horribly" hungover on Sunday. Not at all my idea of a good weekend but it's still what most of his friends do.

[benwyatt]

I apologize for not seeing that you were a guy.

 

No problem! I just wanted to make sure that was cleared out and that gender roles were not mistaken/assumed! Thank you!

[benwyatt]

Is your boyfriend not partaking in this behavior.? You limit the thread to the friends.

 

He has a couple of times. I think h has realized that it makes me uncomfortable/is not my thing and has made it a point to not do so at other hangouts. I feel guilt with this, though, because I feel that if I weren't around he would totally join in with his friends. I know it's what his weekends used to be like before I came around from what he said. In his own words, it was going out Friday after work, day drinking Saturday until the night, and being "horribly" hungover on Sunday. Not at all my idea of a good weekend but it's still what most of his friends do. He has massively cut back on this though and on his drinking, which I did not know was such a large part of his life initially and which he says he feels much better about.

[benwyatt]

Well....his friends are a reflection of who he is and what he likes to do. Just like your friends are a reflection of yourself and what you like to do. So when you find yourself at such extreme odds with each other, you have to wonder if this is really the right relationship overall for the both of you, or a case of opposites initially attract and then they fight.

 

You aren't wrong to want what you want, but perhaps this isn't the person you are going to get what you want from. Food for thought.

 

This is exactly what I worry about. A lot of my friends (at least the ones I feel closest too) are in fact very much like me. I struggle with sorting out if there are his friends just because of work and convenience (he moved across the country four years ago for his current job) or if it is really what he enjoys. If that's the case, I can see him getting really bored by my side and me getting really turned off by his.